Total and complete crack. I blame chat and inventive ways to interpret Virgin!fic. I don't own Doctor Who and now we know why.

It was finally happening, Rose thought as she turned her back on the Doctor to kit off. She wasn't a cowering virgin, not really. She had done it before with Jimmy, sort of. He wasn't very skilled and was stoned a good bit of the time. Then there was Mickey. A little better but still he'd never, you know, gotten her off.

Now was not the time to be thinking of past shags. Now was the time to be focused in the Doctor and what was finally going to happen. All the tension, all the flirting, and now they were going to do something about it. She turned around, a big smile on her face to find a stark naked Doctor.

Her eyes raked down his body appreciatively, but she stopped when she reached his crotch. "What the hell is that?" she exclaimed, pointing at the appendage jutting out from there.

"I know." He waggled his eyebrows and swayed his hips slightly, the snake usually hidden in his trousers moving almost hypnotically. "I am impressive, aren't I?"

She blinked rapidly, and her eyes shot back up to his face. "But you're sooooo big. Is that an alien thing?"

Glancing down at his erection, the Doctor studied it for a bit. "No, I don't think so. I was under the impression that this was normal for a human. Maybe a little bigger but still within the realm of normal."

"Well, not from what I've seen," Rose mumbled, taking a step back. Honestly, she was a little scared. How was that going to fit inside her?

The Doctor's eyebrows shot so far up his forehead they almost disappeared into his hair. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, I've been with Jimmy and Mickey," Rose said, shifting uncomfortably from one foot to the other. "And Jimmy was about like that." She held up her fingers a little less than two inches apart. "And I was with Mickey. He was a bit bigger." Her fingers spread by about another half inch.

The Doctor stared at the gap between her fingers and then down at his vastly longer penis. "Erect?" he asked, his voice cracking.

Nodding her head, Rose closed her eyes and the Doctor howled with laughter.

"Stop it," Rose said, feeling like an idiot. "They told me that was normal. How was I supposed to know?"

"Oh, Rose." His voice softened. "I wasn't making fun of you. I'm laughing at them for lying to you like that." Taking a step forward, he grabbed her hand. "You never looked in a magazine or on the internet and thought that maybe they were just a teeny tiny bit small?" He was barely able to suppress another giggle.

"I dunno, I just thought they were photoshopped or something." Pulling at her hand, she tried to walk away. "It's not like I'm whore or anything."

He flinched at the dig, but he refused to let go of her. "Rose, I told you nothing happened with her."

"I know, but at least she knew what a normal one looked like."

"Knowing the time period, all the ones she saw were probably ripe with venereal disease." He grimaced, and she chuckled. "Was that a laugh?"

"No," she replied, biting her lip.

"I think it was." He grinned at her. "You laughed."

"No, I didn't." She yanked at her hand again. "This isn't going to work. I'll just get dressed and go back to my room."

This time he yanked her forward and wrapped his arms around her waist, his penis pressing into her stomach. "The first time with anyone can be awkward." His lips nipped at her earlobe before traveling down her jaw. "We'll go slow, and I promise that you'll enjoy this. In fact, I'm willing to bet I can get you to climax many, many times tonight."

"Seriously?" Rose panted as one of his hands moved to massage her breast. "You can have more than one? I always thought that was a myth. Not that anyone else has given me even one before."

He pressed his lips to hers to stop her from elaborating further. A moment later he pulled back and growled. "Oh Rose, there is so much for you to learn, and I am a willing teacher." He ground his hips into her, and she moaned. There was no doubt in her mind that this would be fantastic.

...

Ninety minutes and four orgasms later (three for her and one for him since apparently Rose could give a brain melting blow job despite the lack of experience with his size) he was finally poised at her entrance. "Ready?" he asked, kissing her temple.

"Yes, please," she begged, arching up trying to get him to take the final plunge.

"You are a wanton minx, aren't you?"

"Only for you," purred Rose.

Slowly he started to push inside her and was met by a barrier he wasn't expecting and hadn't noticed before. "Um, Rose, I think we may have a problem."

"Doctor, what is it?" She sounded concerned and a little scared. "What's wrong?"

"Not wrong so much as, this might hurt just a little bit."

"Hurt?! Oh god, you said you weren't too big." She sounded like she was crying now.

"Shh, shh Rose," he whispered soothingly. "It's not going to hurt because I'm too big... It's because your, well... I'm going to... Well, I'm going to pop your cherry."