Quark's Guilty Conscience

J.J. Quark navigated his Q-ball ship down towards the Earth's atmosphere in hopes of being able to conquer it (again). Several times he tried taking over before, but was foiled by the world's greatest secret agent, Danger Mouse, the secret agent so secret even his codename had a codename. Part of Quark's failure had to do with the fact that Grovel, his robot, did that very thing whenever his name was called, forever frustrating Quark. "Who was it, that idiot who programmed you?" Quark had bellowed several times towards Grovel. "Get up!"

The first time Quark tried taking over the Earth, he had appeared on television screens everywhere around the world and lied to the world by claiming he was the owner of Earth because his great-great-great-great grandfather was given a deed of ownership. Quark made the whole thing up to try and scare people. No one believed him because common sense would prevent them from doing so.

Whenever people would praise DM for being the greatest secret agent in the world, which was the absolute truth, he wouldn't accept it in fears of getting a big head or otherwise getting arrogant over it. Even his boss, Col. K., would use such praise. Whenever Ernest Penfold, DM's assistant, would introduce DM to others (indirectly), he'd use those words. A long time ago, Penfold had met DM while running away from his aunt, Doreen, a total idiot for not believing DM and Penfold really were secret agents (she once insulted the agency so much she was arrested and tried for two life sentences on the basis of threatening a governmental agency, which DM was considered part of). Penfold never regretted that day because it was a day that changed his life forever. The UK often showed her gratitude towards DM, and on occasions, so did the USA and Canada.

Today, DM had answered Col. K.'s call after Penfold informed him of the alarm sounds. "Ah, Danger Mouse!" Col. K.'s voice came over the intercom.

"I'm here, sir, but I can't see you," said DM.

"Well, the screen's gone blank. I've got Miss Hackett working on that right now. But at least you can hear my voice. J.J. Quark's back, and I think it's the same routine as before, as far as that lie about his great-great-great-great-grandfather given a deed of ownership of planet Earth. I'm not sure, because I just heard about it as I was pressing the button to ask you if you had turned in that lab sample from Professor Squakencluck."

"I sent that back, sir, yes. I'll go see what Quark's up to, and I'll be in touch." The connection cut off. "Come on, Penfold. Let's go."

"All right, as long as I don't have to go down in the…AAAH!" Penfold shrieked, showing his hatred for the sofa part that always led the duo down a lift to DM's famous car, the Mark III. The part of the curb below the pillar box opened up and the car took off. DM transformed it into an airplane after pressing button number two on the control panel. Penfold regained consciousness before getting sick over the whole thing. "I'd do anything just to take the stairs," he said to himself.

The duo got to the desert area where DM's radar was showing Quark's Q-ball had landed. This time, Quark was without Grovel or his Fangboner monster. This surprised DM and Penfold. "Chief, he's without that monster!"

"He doesn't have his robot, Grovel, either," said DM. "He's got some trap up his sleeve."

"Unless he wants to surrender," said Penfold.

"I doubt it, Penfold. Let's see what his trick is." The two walked over to the area where the Q-ball was located. "I see you are back for more, Mr. Quark," DM said sternly. "What are you up to?"

"Nothing, Jimmy," said Quark, using an overgeneralization name habit of his, and feeling sad. "I'm just taking a breather from the stress of taking over the universe. But I'm done with Earth. I just came to let bygones be bygones. I just want to relax. You understand, don't you, Jimmy?"

"My name is not Jimmy," DM replied, "but I can see you feel bad about trying to take over Earth. My sensors are indicating, however, that you've been hiding weapons that could potentially destroy the Earth, or at the very least, my home country, the United Kingdom. Is that the case?"

"It was, Jimmy, but as you can see, I have no use for them." Quark walked into his spaceship, took his weapons, and dumped them into the Mediterranean Sea. "As you can see, I came here to raise the white flag. I want to call a truce."

"Oh, good," said Penfold. "Now Baron Greenback is all we have to worry about, I hope."

"Yes. Just what I was thinking, Penfold." DM paused to clear his throat. "What happened to your robot, Grovel?"

"I got rid of him, Jimmy. He was too much a pain in the neck. I was calling him half the time, not telling him. Just tell me if I'm going to jail?"

"The only reason you are is because you are considered a threat to the world for telling a lie about your great-great-great-great-grandfather given that deed of ownership of the world."

"I did make up that whole thing, Jimmy. Do whatever you are going to do with the Q-ball. I'll never see me beloved spaceship again."

"I think my organization is going to actually put it to work for our side rather than just destroy it." DM escorted Quark into the back seat of the Mark III, with Penfold riding in the front, after the Q-ball was totally emptied of everything considered a deadly weapon or otherwise any form of contraband. DM drove back to London, found the city's main police station, and informed the prison authorities of how Quark was on the top ten most wanted list at number two, only to be surpassed by Greenback. Quark was placed in solitary confinement after talking to the police about his previous two attempts.

"Good show, DM," Col. K. congratulated while DM returned to base. "How was I supposed to know Quark wanted to surrender? And why do I have the feeling he's going to plot something big?"

"Not sure he is, Col., but if that's the case, Penfold and I will be ready for him," DM replied as he drove the Mark III back into the garage. "DM out." He and Penfold walked up the stairs back to the living room part and went to the kitchen to get a drink of water.


Danger Mouse © Cosgrove-Hall Productions, talkbackthames, and FremantleMedia