Summary: At the insistence of the higher ups, Keith must teach the 104th training squad about 'the birds and the bees', to put it lightly. Chaos ensues.
(notes: based off a gen/crack humor request on the SnK Kink meme where, if you can't tell already, I practically camp out every day when I get a chance to write. As usual, I disclaim all rights to SnK.)
THE BIRDS AND THE BEES
by Teargarden Dreams
'Maybe I shouldn't say it, but - it's ugly.' Ymir had a blank look on her face, a pointer finger raised toward the picture pulled down onto the board. 'Oh, and what the fuck is a foreskin? It sounds like a pigskin. Is this football, or is this an anatomy class?'
Keith's eyes looked like they were about to explode from his head. But most of them were pretty much used to this already, and it certainly didn't phase Ymir.
'What the hell did you just say, you little trouble making shit?!'
'You heard me. That penis is ugly.'
And so, it began.
Keith Shadis had been put in charge to handle the lovely task of teaching the 104th training squad about 'human anatomy' for at least one class session this week. In layman's terms, he was going to have to teach them the basics of sex education.
The higher-ups had insisted upon it, no matter passionately Keith argued that it was best to let mother nature decide who would be knocked off the military line-up by getting impregnated or contracting herpes from some other unfortunate soul. Evidently, they couldn't afford the loss of any soldier due to a lack of awareness on good sexual health or unplanned pregnancy. And they all knew that as they hit puberty, young women and young men especially, had a tendency toward…experimentation. And it was usually fueled by their raging hormones.
Disgusting pricks, Keith thought miserably before entering the classroom. He had a particularly intense distaste toward anyone who gave into his baser desires, probably because he had been celibate for years.
So, here they all were. Sitting in the classroom together with an enormous picture of the male reproductive system and an illustrated penis up on the board, and a sexually frustrated teacher. The male reproductive system was the first thing Keith had started out the day with, so of course that had garnered quite the reaction.
And of course, Ymir couldn't keep her mouth shut about it.
Eren didn't know whether to be horrified or amused. He watched as Keith began screaming at Ymir about the 'rugged beauty' of the male form and so on and so forth, all while the girl stared at him with a very disinterested expression. When he kept shouting in her face, she merely raised a brow and looked far from convinced of the likability and attractiveness of the male figure - her expression had an obvious Are you done yet? written all over it.
Keith practically looked like he wanted to spit between her eyes, but instead he stomped back to the blackboard, got a basket from underneath the podium, then started tossing everyone tiny foil packets in every row.
Eren had never seen this kind of packaging before. What was it, exactly? The foil packet didn't say anything on the outside. It was a tiny square with a circular shape on the inside. Beside him, Armin opened up his while Eren merely watched in curiosity.
Armin picked up a deflated, unused condom. Of course, neither of the boys knew that it was a condom. 'Is this some sort of training device?' He wondered while thinking out loud, curiously holding it up and observing it from multiple angles. Armin pulled at the latex material, noting its strange shape and wondering what purpose it served.
Eren merely shrugged, just as confused himself, though instinct told him that it probably wasn't. A weird feeling was in his lower stomach and it was making him uncomfortable - he wasn't sure what it was, though it was there all the same.
After Keith finished handing out the condoms, he walked back with a half-empty basket toward the podium. He clicked to the next slide. On the screen was a series of images, an instructional diagram of sorts, Armin saw. He looked at it with a morbid kind of curiosity, instantly recognizing that it was a male's sex organ, and it was being sheathed in some sort of…
Armin looked at the rubber in his hand; then he looked at the board again, and when the pieces fit together in his head, he flung the unused condom away from his books at lightning speed without a second thought (for once). His reaction was almost too comical. Unfortunately, it ended up falling onto Marco's lap - and Marco, who had been more than just a little high strung since he discovered what today's lesson was about, gave a squeak that even Eren felt a degree of secondhand embarrassment over.
'Bott! What the hell do you have your balls in a knot over there for?' Keith spat. Marco merely stammered and shook his head, all while trying to inconspicuously get the condom off of his lap underneath his desk without Keith noticing. Next to him, Jean couldn't help but snicker, though he knew how much something like an 'anatomy' class was torturing his friend. Marco had always been easily embarrassed.
Keith curled his upper lip in disgust before going on to explain exactly how each male cadet was to put on a condom if he desired to engage in sexual intercourse, and why condoms were necessary. He went as deep as: 'It keeps the girl from getting knocked up, period. So wrap that shit up if you're going to bump uglies, you got that?' Marco looked nauseated, and Franz and a few other guys in the front row were visibly humiliated. Yeah, they all got it…
This wasn't anything shocking or extraordinary to Jean, however. While he scanned the room in boredom, observing his peers' reactions to Keith - Armin's face resembled a tomato on the verge of implosion and Eren was so hilariously uncomfortable that it looked like he had swallowed a rock - he felt little discomfort himself. Since the age of twelve, Jean had always been a little…well, interested in this kind of thing. He could tell by the faces around him that most of the girls had never seen a penis before, and it would become very obvious as to which of the guys had never seen a naked woman yet in just a moment.
Even in a shitty, uptight place like the training grounds, getting pornos wasn't impossible. After much begging - and occasionally being his bitch when it came to offering up blankets on cold nights and seconds in the dining hall - Jean finally got Reiner to share one of his dirty magazines with him. Reiner was two years older and he had this weird kind of superiority complex when it came to stuff like that, thinking that Jean couldn't have handled it.
And he was sort of right, though Jean never would admit it - when he had first flipped through the magazine Reiner smuggled in, his heart dropped, though not necessarily because he was aroused. It was a little - a lot of a shock to see women portrayed like that for the very first time. He had never seen a girl naked before up until that point, except for his older sister when they had washed up as kids back home.
But at least now, looking at the magazines had gotten him prepared for something like this. Jean almost smirked, feeling a little proud of himself and his composure. Where they all were floundering, he was already rather experienced.
And then, Keith went onto female sex characteristics and Mikasa had to go up to the board.
She seemed reluctant, Jean noticed. She walked up slowly when Keith called on her to help him fill in the blanks on the diagram. Each student tried to name different parts of the female form when Keith called on them; he was obviously going for anyone who wasn't paying attention, per usual. Jean knew that Keith was testing their knowledge and at the same time, their stamina at enduring such an embarrassment, too. The guy was a sadist, so he hadn't even separated the class and instructed just the guys away from the girls. (Or maybe he just didn't give a rat's ass to even consider the idea. Who knew.)
Jean watched as Mikasa walked to the board. It was as hot as hell out today, so she was wearing less conservative clothing, and it suddenly became a little more obvious that there was a condom on his desk and she was wearing cropped pants and a sleeveless shirt. If he tried, Jean could make out her breasts underneath her shirt - they had been getting bigger since he had first met her, not by a lot, but enough for him to notice it. Like he was noticing it right now, which was giving him an inconvenient sense of a sudden tightness in his pants. Shit.
'I want to know where children come from. I've been wondering it the entire time…are we ever going to learn that?' Mikasa asked boldly, staring at Keith with an unnervingly blank look as she turned around from the board, still holding her dry erase marker.
Keith merely glowered at her, forehead bulging a little. 'No, Ackerman, because if I tell you, you'll want to have one!' He was absolutely seething, and Jean wondered if on the inside, way down in there somewhere, he was as embarrassed as they all were.
His ridiculous logic was far from true, of course, but they didn't know this. Mikasa's face broke into a frown, and she appeared perturbed. She intuitively sensed that he was probably bending the truth, and didn't see why she would necessarily want to have one if she knew how a baby was created. Not bothering to start an argument like Ymir had, since she was certain that it would only further delay the class, Mikasa turned back to the board in silence. She figured it would be easy enough to ask around about it later if anyone else happened to know.
After calling on a few of his students to fill in the appropriate blanks on the board, which all of them got wrong except the majorly easy ones (like breasts, of course, or 'titties' as Connie had called out with a snigger before being hit on the back of the head with a notebook by Mina), Keith began talking about the importance of 'good breast health' and self-checks. Then, he flipped slides and began talking about the role of the vagina in the menstrual period and child birth along with 'natural lubrication for sex' and half the girls in the room looked like they wanted to sink below their desks or die.
The part on delivering was by far the most gory - it had a few nasty screenshots for their viewing pleasure of a woman going through various phases of birth. Keith figured this would probably be enough to scare them all into abstaining for years. Christa groaned quietly to herself (which Ymir found to be rather cute, really), and more than a few of the girls reddened with embarrassment at hearing and seeing all of this with the boys around them.
But Jean was hardly phased. He didn't notice how most of the guys were grumbling and making immature gagging noises, or that most of them had taken the incentive to look away or hide their eyes. In fact, he stared at the board as Keith practically screamed out the explanation to each slide, eyes glazed over, a little dreamy. In fact, all this talk about breasts and female health was making Jean even more aroused… because he couldn't help but start to really wonder about Mikasa's breast health. No, scratch that - just her breasts.
It was almost like until this point, he had tried not to think of her in that way. It had just felt…almost wrong of him, probably because if she ever discovered the horrendously perverted nature of his thoughts toward her she would beat him into a pulp.
But Jean couldn't quell the fantasies that were beginning to flood his mind, seemingly out of nowhere - all because of Mikasa's sleeveless shirt, the way her breasts had jiggled a little when she wrote with too much pressure against the board. Suddenly, it became impossible not to realize that Mikasa was more than just beauty and brilliance - she also had fully functioning vagina and two breasts. And they were probably beautiful, perky, soft. And her…'pussy', as Reiner had crudely said before, probably wasn't half-bad either. Jean probably should've felt guilt thinking in such dirty terms about her, but he just couldn't.
There was lump in his throat and Jean shifted in his seat, throwing a notebook over his lap as casually as possible in order for Marco not to notice his budding issue. Holy crap. He was seriously popping a stiffy in the middle of class over this. This really wasn't good -
'KIRSTEIN! I see your eyes wandering back there.' Jean absolutely almost died when he heard Keith single him out. He felt everyone's eyes on him.
'What the fuck? You shirking my lesson? Think it's too boring for ya?' Keith snarled, slamming the basket of condoms on the podium in emphasis of his rage. Jean jumped a little, scrambling to keep the notebook over his lap; Marco shot him a worried and questioning look. His cheeks were still stained pink underneath his freckles.
'You OK, Jean?' Marco whispered anxiously.
Jean merely nodded, swallowing heavily, mouth thick. No, he was far from OK, but he wasn't going to open his mouth and admit that he had a boner at the worst time possible in class to his friend. His head would probably have exploded if he did.
'All right, Kirstein. I'll alleviate your boredom by asking you to grace the class with your holy wisdom,' Keith said, his voice dripping with malicious sarcasm, 'on the subject of a woman's health. Now stop staring like a googley-eyed faggot and get the hell up here!'
Keith stared at him expectantly at him from the front of the class. He was seriously expecting Jean to go up to the board with… with this?! Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, Jean thought like a mantra, shitlessly terrified. He seriously wished he had a sweater or something he could have used, but it was a thousand degrees outside and that would've looked dumb and way too obvious anyway.
Shit! What could he think of... Keith showering. Not good enough - Jean almost smacked his head into his desk when the vision of Mikasa with the same body of the naked illustrated woman that was on the screen, but hotter, kept popping into his head.
OK, OK... Keith showering with Jaeger. That was pretty damn disgusting. He sighed, feeling himself get a little less hard -
But then, Jean looked over at Mikasa and saw the way she had put her hair up. He hadn't noticed it earlier, so she must have done it just now to beat the heat. It showed the creamy skin usually hidden from the sunlight at the nape of her neck, her shapely shoulders and arms... and near her arms were her breasts.
Breasts. The very word was haunting him, and it was even freakier that he kept hearing it with Keith's voice in his head. The guy had practically screamed it like they were pieces of artillery on the battlefield. Oh man, was this bad. Just when he thought that he had softened to half-mast, Jean Jr. had fucked him over and raised the sails full force once again. There was no getting out of this shit show now.
Awkwardly, Jean waddled up to the front of the classroom with his Health textbook covering his crotch. It was a last resort, but better than showing the class his erect dick. From the back row Reiner snorted so loudly and obviously that Jean literally almost died.
What a prick. He would never know how embarrassing this felt! Then again, Jean hoped with every atom in his being that one day, that asshole did find out for himself so that he could pick on him for it.
Keith glowered at Jean suspiciously. 'What shit are you exactly trying to pull, Kirstein? You think my class is some kind of joke?' He pointed toward Jean's textbook with a withering glare. His voice was absolutely sinister, but even that wasn't enough to will his hard-on away.
Then, Jean met eyes with the girl of his fantasies herself, and that hardly helped. In fact, looking at Mikasa made him impossibly hornier. He couldn't help but have bits and pieces of his daydream earlier come back into his head: her panting beneath him while he ran his hands up her torso, his thumb against her nipple while he squeezed her breast, her moans for him to take her soft and insistent. He knew that a lot of the older guys joked around a lot about how they could get so-and-so 'wet' for them with just a glance and other stupid stuff like that, and it hadn't really made sense as to why they would want that to him until today. Even worse, Jean couldn't help but be twice as turned on picturing getting Mikasa wet for him just by touching her and kissing her, and not in a degrading way, either. It was because he really liked her.
Focus! Jean told himself in his head. He was sweating, and from more than just the heat. 'No, sir. I don't think this is a joke, n...not at all.' His voice was embarrassingly strained.
Keith leaned down closer toward him, eyes menacing and a little Satanic (per usual). 'Then what, exactly, is that fucking book doing on your crotch?' He asked, voice dripping with malice -
'He has a woody, sir!' Reiner called, half-snorting and half-giggling like a freak from the back row. Annie merely rolled her eyes, but even Bert had a weird kind of smile on his face that made Jean absolutely want to hit them both until they couldn't see straight into next week.
Keith raised his eyebrows and actually looked surprised, before his expression morphed to one of disgust. He seemed a little caught off of his guard for once, which was disturbing.
'Christ, Kirstein,' Keith muttered, eyes wary as he gave him a shameful look; Jean felt his face burn. 'Just... just sit the hell back down,' Keith sighed, shaking his head to himself and turning back toward the board.
'All right. Moving on,' he called out to the class as Jean quickly waddled back to his desk in utter humiliation, still taking cover underneath his textbook. Hell, even Mikasa was staring at him, and everybody was whispering. Connie, of course, was giggling to Sasha and whispering to her. Fucking idiots, Jean thought miserably.
When he sat back down, Marco patted his back sympathetically, and although Jean appreciated it he knew he would never live this one down. He couldn't even stomach Jaeger's reaction to all this, so he spared himself from daring to look.
The lesson continued, and things only took a (hilarious) downward spiral from there. When Keith got to the slide on the difference between 'love and sex' he looked like he was going to be sick before he skipped over it entirely. He then went onto the male's physiology - the lessons were bizarrely and haphazardly out of order, making each new topic a lovely surprise - and why pre-ejaculate is normal. Jean peered up from where he had buried his head in his arms against his desk and saw that Marco was twiddling his thumbs, jerking his knee around, and looked like he was considering how severely punished he would be if he decide to fuck it and bolt. Jean almost wished he had the guts to do that himself.
'When can we learn about why people say 'Oral sex makes your day, but anal sex makes your entire week'?' Connie asked out of the blue with his hand raised, calling out before Keith could even call on him. Obviously, he had been wanting to crack out that one for a long time. Beside him, Sasha was snorting and biting her lower lip, clenching her fists and trying to hold onto laughter that probably get her a week of latrine duty if she let it go.
Keith walked up to Connie slowly, taking his time. Both Connie and Sasha were looking at one another and giggling with geeky grins on their faces. Then, Keith's shadow loomed over them and their smiles quickly disappeared.
'Hey. Springer.' Keith leaned down until he was nearly eye-level with Connie, who now looked terrified beyond belief.
'I think I should be asking you all about anal sex…considering that YOU'RE going to get MY FIST. Up your pathetic little ASS. As SOON as this God FORSAKEN CLASS. IS OVER!' Keith shouted, voice rising to deafening levels. Sasha winced on Connie's behalf. There there had been a pretty bad spray with that one, she could tell - his face was glistening a little. Poor Connie. Everyone knew how Keith was a spitter. You never wanted him to get too close…
'Can you become pregnant from anal sex?' Someone called out weakly.
'ENOUGH ABOUT ANAL SEX ALREADY!' Keith roared, face beet red as he slammed his hands down on Connie's desk. Jean turned around in his seat, looking in the direction of where the question had come from; Dazz was slinking lower in his seat, so it had likely been him. He never seemed all that bright, anyway.
Now that Keith was being absolutely bombarded with all of their idiocies, he seemed like he didn't know what to do. He knew he couldn't murder them for asking questions in a sex ed class, so he seemed…stuck. Jean sat up a little straighter, an interesting idea coming to mind.
'Hey. Marco,' Jean whispered underneath his breath. 'I bet if we ask Shadis a bunch of shitty questions, he'll just go off and cancel the lesson. How much do you wanna bet?'
Marco swallowed heavily. The idea didn't seem appealing to him in the least. 'Jean, I… I can't ask anything. I'm sorry.' He knew that Marco was really religious, so he kind of felt bad for the guy. Jean wondered half-jokingly if this entire sex ed lesson had compromised something in his faith - he probably wasn't allowed to even see a naked woman until marriage. Jean couldn't help but pity him for it.
Mustering up all of his courage - and hoping Marco wouldn't hate him for asking this - Jean called out: 'So - how can you delay orgasm if you don't want to come too soon?' At least it was kind of relevant to the topic.
It seemed like his question hit Keith out of left field; not only that, but it inspired an entire string of questions from some of his evidently, very curious classmates who had been forcing themselves to keep quiet until now. Jean had started a domino effect he couldn't take back.
'Yeah, what if you can't even come at all when you beat off? Does that mean your dick is broken or something?'
'I wanna know why a girl gets wet!'
'Is there any way to keep myself from getting pregnant besides shoving a latex-covered banana up my cunt?' (That was Ymir, of course.)
'I still want to better know, how exactly are babies made?'
Of course, Mikasa's question went ignored. She sighed audibly in frustration. It didn't make her feel any better that Keith was really ignoring them all in favor of shouting at them in the most degrading way possible.
'It's OK, Mikasa,' Eren said weakly. Armin probably would've said something to make her feel better too, but he was totally shell shocked and couldn't speak. His brain was going into overdrive, and Eren was a little worried.
This entire lesson had taken a toll on him too, honestly. Eren hadn't even had it in him to revel in Jean's earlier embarrassment. He wasn't used to dealing with anything besides the weaknesses of titans, learning the best way to slash at titans, and… yeah. Titans.
Then, like a Godsend, the fire alarm went off - and so did the sprinklers.
'FUCK!' Keith screeched, looking like he was going to snap off someone's head in a moment (likely Connie's, because of before).
A few of the girls shrieked in surprise and tried to cover their hair with their books. Some of the guys reveled in being able to cool down on a hot day… never mind that there was a fire somewhere in the building.
'Hey, look Sasha!' Connie was unabashedly cracking up now that everything had gone to hell and his peers were running out of the room, completely ignoring Keith as he tried to get them into a single file line up. Sasha gave a mad cackle as she saw Connie rip out his condom and, standing on his desk chair, held it up to one of the sprinklers. It slowly started to fill up with water; Keith was so distracted that he happened not to see them. Within minutes, the condom was the size of a hotdog.
'You think this could fit up Shadis' butt?' Connie asked, and soon both he and Sasha were laughing together, slamming their hands on their desks. (Again, never minding that there was, you know, some sort of fire somewhere…)
Suddenly, someone picked up Connie - by his head. Oh, yeah, Connie thought to himself as he verged on passing out from the pressure on his temples, Sasha's shrieking in his ear. This was just like his initiation day, when Keith had - oh shit Keith.
After that, things were hazy. Apparently, some of the cooks were smoking in the kitchen again and it had set off a false alarm. When the sprinklers finally went off, everyone was dripping wet. Half of the building had gone through the wrong fire exit which created a huge, confusing stir; Connie was still half-uncosncious from Keith's death grip on his head, so two trainees had to carry him off to the infirmary. Jean had stuck together with Marco, and the two of them had merely bypassed all of the traffic and slipped out the window, since the classroom was on the first floor. The two stood outside, their clothes immediately beginning to dry in the sweltering heat.
'H-hey, Jean,' Marco said, clearing his throat a little. Debating on whether to wring out his shirt or not to save himself from heat stroke, Jean turned toward his friend.
'Yeah? What is it?'
'Have you… well, you know - have you ever 'beat off' before, like one of the guys said back there? I mean…how do you do something like that?'
Jean didn't know whether to laugh now or later. He merely slapped a hand on Marco's back and led him off to find a nice, shady spot where he could explain everything.
For some reason, Mikasa noticed that Marco looked particularly flustered that night in the dining hall, even though the lesson they had on human anatomy had ended hours ago. Oh well.
She sat at their usual table in the corner, chewing on some bread dipped in stew. Armin was looking in his Encyclopedia again, and she noticed a slight pink stain had still remained on his cheeks from earlier.
Thinking about today's class made Mikasa realize that she still hadn't truly had her question answered yet. Digging deeper and probing life's more complex questions has become important to her, and she had been wondering about the process of life and death for some time. Mikasa felt she knew plenty about the cycle of death by now; therefore, it was reasonable that she wanted to know now more about how life began.
She didn't feel the least bit guilty for it, really. She simply had to know. 'I'll be right back, Armin,' Mikasa said slowly, getting up as a fairly decent idea came into her mind about who could possibly explain it to her.
Before Eren could come back from the dinner line and ask her where she was off to, Mikasa slipped out and headed toward the kitchen. Back behind the dining hall was a tiny porch where some of the trainees apparently snuck cigarettes or read dirty magazines every once in a while when Keith wasn't around, from what she had heard - and dirty magazines meant sex, and sex meant a potential explanation on how a baby was made.
Mikasa quietly closed the door to the porch behind her, glad that the cooks hadn't noticed. She saw the subject of her interest as soon as she stepped out smoking like a chimney, though he wasn't holding any magazines. Still, this was a stroke of luck.
'Hey. Reiner,' Mikasa said a little less curtly than she normally would. She was never one to be too friendly, but she tried to act a little kinder in order to get him to listen.
Reiner raised a brow, appearing as detached as always. He always struck Mikasa as rather arrogant. The cigarette smoke reeked.
'Yo,' he said, not too interested.
'I know you look at dirty magazines,' Mikasa said bluntly. 'Do they explain how children are made? Do you know, I mean.'
At her inquiry, Reiner was momentarily affronted - but then, he puffed out his chest and naturally put on a suave front, smirking to himself. Was this chick seriously asking him something that fucking stupid? All the same, she was hot - and she was Asian, too. (Jackpot!)
'Well,' Reiner said, chuckling a little, walking toward her. He leaned down and captured her chin between his fingers, using his size and height to his advantage, trying to be slick, 'I don't know about any magazines, but I can show you just how-'
Before Mikasa could knee him herself, Eren was behind him - and hitting him for her on the back of the head with that Encyclopedia Armin had been reading earlier, one of the heavier one's he had brought with them to the training grounds. Really, he was as overprotective as she was, though this time it had come in handy. But hey - they always had each others' backs, that would never change.
Reiner, not expecting this sneak attack, moaned in pain and clutched at his head, vision blurring; he sank to the ground. 'Just walk away. Just walk away,' Eren kept muttering underneath his breath as he and Mikasa did, indeed, quickly walk in the other direction.
'My nuts!' Reiner moaned, curling into himself in utter agony. Eren had given him a swift kick in the crotch before going back to the dining hall for good measure (and at this point, Mikasa really didn't care what happened to him). They slipped back inside, thankful that neither of them had been found out by anyone and that Keith hadn't been around. They both knew that Reiner's ego was more bruised than his balls, so he wouldn't narc on either of them.
Mikasa sighed, merely giving Eren a grateful look, not wanting to say anything in front of Armin. Evidently, he had seen her go out of the dining hall after all, but it was a good thing he had suspected something strange going on. Eren nodded in understanding, slipping Armin's Encyclopedia back onto his lap, then resumed eating his jell-o as if nothing had happened to begin with.
A moment of silence passed between the three of them, and Armin just sighed internally before picking at his beef stew. He really didn't want to know.
Then, Mikasa suddenly said: 'Hey, Armin. Can you do me a favor and look up 'conception' in your book for me?'
Eren choked on his jell-o cubes.