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It's so unfair. You survived Red John and now this tears us apart. I'm so sorry, it was my operation, not yours for once. I think you even tried to warn me of the danger I'd missed, but I was angry with you because of that stupid argument we had in the morning. I can't even remember the cause. It was all going so well, but then hell broke loose as shots were fired. I was struck with horror and disbelief as a bullet tore through clothes and flesh, releasing blood. Too much blood, too fast to sustain life. We said goodbye, tears mingling with our kisses.

I look back on the memories of our short time free of Red John. You came back, he was dead and you were free. We thought we were making up for lost time as we rushed headlong into expressing what we had buried for so long, but maybe deep down we suspected that it was too good to last. It was frantic, hard and deeply satisfying. Then we took our time, exploring, experiencing, fulfilling. You were down on one knee and my life was complete.

The wedding was simple, attended by my brother's and our friends. You were devastating, I'm certain no-one was looking at me, except you. Life as husband and wife was everything I imagined it would be and more. Free of your guilt I discovered a loving, tender, attentive Jane. Someone determined not to make the same mistakes, you felt, you made with Angela. With you I smiled all the time, you have a great propensity for having fun. You taught me so much about the joy in experiencing every day things. That doesn't mean you weren't still manipulative and irritating, somethings are just in grain and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. They're part of what I love about you. I admit, it gave me great pleasure when I got one over on you.

I can't stop a smile crossing my lips even now. I had Cho, Rigsby and Van Pelt as co-conspirators, keeping you away from me. I told them that I was organising a surprise for our two month anniversary and I didn't want you guessing. That had been a lie because I knew you would figure it out and confront them. It's easier lying to them. When you came home to candles on the table and dinner in the oven, you didn't drill me on it. I handed you a little gift after the meal. The shock on your face, when you opened a pair of booties, is a memory I will always cherish. After a moment your brain kicked in and pure delight filled your whole being. You engulfed me in a hug and broke down in my arms.

The next few months were about doctors appointments, baby names, paint colours and Charlotte. You shared tender memories, your love for her oozing out of your pores. I imagined watching you doing the same things with our child. excited about sharing parenthood with you. Our daughter's birth and the weeks getting to know her are exquisite memories to cherish forever. Although you're experienced with babies and I have barely held one, you didn't make me feel inadequate. You encouraged me and allowed me time and space to learn it for myself and grow in confidence.

Our time was short but we filled every moment with love and memories. I don't regret a single hour or minute. we had so many plans to fulfill together and now you will have to do them alone. I'm so grateful that you have our little girl to give you a reason to keep living your life I know she is safe in your hands. Teach her all you have taught me. I wish i could wipe away your tears, but, know that you are not alone because in the really really big stuff, you're wrong. There is a next life and those who love you, are supporting you and watching over you. So darling, know that I love you and am here waiting for you, along with Angela and Charlotte, until we are together and can hold each other once more.