A loud clang was heard amongst all of the weeping and coughing of the city, followed by a cry of "Bring out ye dead!"
This repeated about once every eight seconds if one had to guess, as Ruunuske, the very soulless redhead, walked about the burnt ruins of Fuyuki city with glee.
A white-haired, rather cracked-up looking bloke came up, accompanied by an enormous knight in black armor, who carried a short, shriveled old man over his shoulder. "Here's one," he said, as he gestured over to the smoking dark knight.
"I'm not dead!" Ruunuske looked behind Berserker to see the old man still flailing his wrinkly arms, and kicking his sandaled feet about.
"What?" he asked, as he grasped the situation.
"Nothing," Kariya insisted, handing Ruunuske a few yen. "Here, just take this and the old man-"
"I'm not dead!" Zouken shouted from Berserker's back.
"There, he says he's not dead," Ruunuske said.
"Yes he is, just take him-"
"I am not!" the raisin-looking old man cried.
"He isn't?" Ruunuske was getting confused.
"Well, he will be pretty soon, he's gotten quite old," Kariya reassured him.
"I've BEEN old, you retarded little git!"
"No you haven't, 'cause if that were the case, you'd be stone dead already. It should happen any moment now."
Ruunuske looked at the squirming elder. "I can't take him, it's against my regulations…I only take dead people. They're guts are cooler to look at."
"I won't go to the morgue!" Zouken didn't want that little brat to win this.
"Oh, don't be such a baby," Kariya chided.
"I can't take him."
"Aw, do us a favor?" Kariya pleaded.
"I FEEL FINE!" Zouken yelled.
"I can't! I really can't take him, though I would if I could…"
"Well can you come back around in a couple of minutes? He won't be long," He was bound and determined to get this old worm out of his life.
"No, I gotta go all the way to the Kotomine church. They've lost the preacher and they found Tohsaka there," Ruunuske informed.
"Well when's your nest round?"
"I FEEL HAPPY!" Zouken wasn't sure he could wrm himself out of this one.
Ruunuske sighed. "Look, you're really not going to fool anyone…Isn't there anything you can do?"
"I REALLY DO FEEL HAAAPYYY-"
Ruunuske had snuck around behind Berserker, who made no attempt to stop him, and drew a small knife from his pocket and stabbed the old man's squishy head.
"Oh, thanks for everything," Kariya sighed as Ruunuske took the wrinkled body and plopped it in the back of the van he was carrying bodies in.
"No problem," Ruunuske did a little salute to Kariya as he continued to drive about the town, hollering with joy, "Bring out ye dead!"
All of this was yet again pierced by the sound of clacking coconuts and the light rattling of armor as King Arthuria rode on through, Noble Steed Shirou tagging behind her.
"Who's that there? Ruunuske asked Bluebeard, who was chanting in the passenger seat.
"HOOOOO. She must be a holy virgin king.
Ruunuske looked at him. "How can you tell?"
"Well, for one, she hasn't got blood and ash all over her…"
"Oh, coooooooool!" Ruunuske hooted.
Arthuria rode up just behind a figure with long, green hair and a blonde-headed young man with oversized golden earrings.
"Young woman-" she called out to the green-headed one.
"Man!" the figure turned to glare at Arthuria.
"I'm a man, not a woman."
As Arthuria approached yet closer, she could see the….Its face was flushing. "I'm sorry, but you look terribly feminine, especially from the rear," she couldn't help but be honest.
"Do not!" Its face got even brighter red, and he said further, "You could just call me Enkidu!"
Dear Lord, he even sounds like a girl, she thought. "Well I didn't know you were called Enkidu…And are you sure you're not a girl?"
"Of course I'm not!" Enkidu shouted, enraged. "Gil, tell this chick that I'm a guy!"
Up until then, Blondie hadn't even bothered to look at the woman trotting next to them, but when he did, he nearly tripped over thin air. Enkidu had to lift his jaw back to his head from dragging on the ground.
"Gil!" Enkidu grasped his shirt and tugged on it, snapping him back into reality. "Gil, tell her that I'm a guy!" he pleaded with his bestie.
Gil shook his head, as it was still swimming from seeing Arthuria first hand. "Oh yeah," he said casually. "See, look." He grabbed the end of Enkidu's long tunic, and went to lift it up, and was very near his waist when Enkidu let out an "EEEIIP!" and his hands flew to his legs to anchor the tunic back down. His face was as bright red as Christmas now, and without thinking (not that he would have needed to, as he would always be forgiven), socked Gil in the jaw. "I didn't mean to tell her like that, you idiot!"
After recovering his jaw yet again, Gil stood back up and looked to the stunning woman in blue, and asked, "Well any hew, whaddya want?"
"Well, you would appear to be a person of higher status, judging by your terribly expensive looking earrings and snake-skin skinny jeans, and thus I must ask you, would you care to join me in my court of Camelot?"
Gil and Enkidu started laughing hysterically. "Hahhahaa, who do you think you are, little zassu?"
"Bless you," she offered.
"Who sneezed?" Enkidu asked, confused.
"Him," she pointed at Blondie Gil.
"What? I didn't sneeze."
"Yes you did. You were about to finish your sentence, calling me a 'little' something, and then you sneezed!"
"I'm telling you I didn't sneeze," Gil insisted.
Arthuria sighed through her nostrils. "If you say so. And to answer your question, Sir Goldy, I am Arthur, King of the Britons."
"King of the who?" Enkidu asked, clearly confused.
"The Britons," She reinstated.
"I've not heard of any Britons," Gil scoffed.
"Only everyone on the freaking Emerald Isles, save for crazy Ireland," did she honestly have to explain who the people were that she ruled over?
"Alright, but that still doesn't make you King over me, zassu," Gil scoffed (again. He seemed to enjoy scoffing very much).
"Bless you again. You know, if you have allergies-"
"I didn't sneeze!"
"But I swear you did!"
"Well your ears are wrong!"
Arthuria looked to Enkidu. "Honestly, how do you put up with him sneezing so often when he's trying to finish his sentences?"
"He's calling you a mongrel in Japanese," said Shirou from behind her, though his lesson on linguistics seemed to go unheard.
"Anyways," Gil hastened, "What makes you think you're a King?"
"The Lady of the Lake," she began, as heavenly choirs sounded from nowhere. "Her arm clad in the purest shimmering sunlight, held aloft Exucariba form the bosom of the water. Signifying from divine providence that I, Arthuria, was to carry Exucariba. THAT is why I am King!" The background music faded as her speech ended.
"Alright, listen, pretty zassu-"
Gil rolled his eyes and continued. "Strange women lying around in ponds distributing swords is no basis for naming a King. Supreme executive power comes from birthright, not some farcical aquatic ceremony."
"Oh, shut up!" Arthuria shouted.
"I mean, come on! You can't expect to wield supreme executive power, just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!"
"If I went around, saying that I was an emperor because a moisten being lunged a cemetar at me, no one would have let me work their asses off!"
"Shut up! Will you shut up?!" She went fort to strangle the man out of rage, and though she was met with countless shinny weapons, she continued to rage upon his throat.
"Oooh, oh, do you see this? Enkidu, you see it!? Look at how the mongrels think they can rule me!" he managed to choke out.
"BLOODY TYRANT!" And with that, Arthuria stormed off, Shirou in tow.
"Oh, that was such a give-away. Did you hear that, Kidu? Huh? I'd say we've got an uprising on our hands."