A Bit too Far

It had started out harmlessly. Well, as harmless as Bones can be. It had started with Jim hacking into the replicators and programing them to fill all of the CMO's donuts with Mayonnaise instead of strawberry jam. The Captain had run out of the Cafeteria faster than anyone had ever seen him run as the doctor ran after the blonde.

That had led to Bones putting red dying powder in Jim's bathroom sink. Kirk had freaked out, thinking the faucet was leaking blood but he had barged into the Medical bay laughing his ass of telling Bones to get the dye off of him. He stopped laughing when McCoy had flat out told him no.

Which led to the Captain reprogramming every door on the Enterprise to say, "Welcome, Dr. Sexy," in one the sexiest voices anyone on board could imagine. It had startled Alpha shift when Doctor McCoy had stormed onto the bridge and it happened. The Captain had just about died of laughter at the look on the CMO's face. Bones demanded that the Captain make it stop but Jim flat out refused, raising his still red hands defend himself. The Doctor had turned to the Navigator-who whipped around, completely straight faced, back towards his station-and demanded he undo whatever Jim had done. He really had no choice but to obey.

After which Scotty 'repaid' the captain for messing with his sweetheart by beaming down Jim down to a neutral planet for negotiations. Completely naked. Jim had called back to the Enterprise, calmly asking where his clothes where. Scotty had-with a falsely innocent tone-told him there was a malfunction and the Captains clothes were still on the transporter bay. When he asked if the Captain wanted him to beam down the clothing, he had surprised everyone by denying and commencing with the mission. Completely naked.

It just got crazier from there, because whenever Jim got either Bones or Scotty, both would retaliate; since they were 'not dating' it made a lot of sense to the crew of the Enterprise. No one had expected the tiny Russian kid to hop up and defend their Captain-no one wanted to get on McCoy's bad side-and they definitely weren't expecting him to go after McCoy himself.

Bones discovered the Scissors on his desk had been zip tied together. Bones knew instantly it wasn't Jim; he always ran to avoid bodily harm or his 'neglected' vaccinations and he was sitting in Bones office talking business. When he went to get another to cut the Zip Tie he discovered it had been too. As was the next one; and the next. They were all sabotaged. Bones spent twenty minutes trying to cut it open with a knife while Jim spent an hour laughing his ass off. If anyone noticed the Captain calling him 'Pasha' from then on, they didn't say anything.

The next one happened on leave to Santarine. No one had been suspicious when Pavel brought the whole group what he called 'Candy Apples'. Everyone dug in, pleasant hums going around until Hikaru bit into his and let out an undignified gagging sound, dropping his 'apple' immediately. He'd run to the nearest stall and gotten the first drink he could. From behind him he can hear Chekov trying to apologize while laughing along with the rest of the group. Hikaru, drinking as much as he can to get the onion flavor out of his mouth, flips them all the bird.

In retaliation, Sulu joins Bones' team. He set Pavels' clock to three a.m. ship time. He also brought in fifteen other clocks and set them each five minutes later than the last, hiding them in odd and unreachable locations. With no snooze. That day on shift, Pavel glares at him. Harrumphing and ignoring Sulu completely.

No one knows what happened to Carol Marcus-and no one is admitting to pulling a prank-but she joins the Captain and Chekov when she switches all of Dr. McCoy's drawers around, resulting in him stomping up to the bridge and demanding to know who messed with his system. When Carol says she did it, Bones actually calms down and walks away. Everyone is pretty sure he's the one who pissed her off now. They still don't know how.

And then Uhura gets involved by accident. Sulu had been aiming for Carol-who shares a bathroom with Uhura-when he filled the hair dryer with Talcum powder. They'd heard the yell on the levels above and below. Jim-who had been in the area-quickly ran in, shocked to see Nyota seething. Of course, she was too mature to actually get involved.

Until Jim reprograms her station to change languages every thirty minutes and tell her things-in different languages-about each of the members of Alpha shift. She sits there, outwardly calm, trying to find Jim's meddling-because they all know it was Jim when it started spouting out dirty facts-and eradicate it.

She gets everyone back when she puts an 'out of service' sign on the turbo lift. Scotty spends three days trying to figure out what's wrong with it. No one can use it and Scotty's in a bad mood, seething and snapping at any one who even tries talking to him. They all shy away from Uhura after that.

That doesn't stop the prank war though. Chekov had released fifteen Tribbles throughout the Enterprise. There were numbers sprayed on them in order of; 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, and 16. Only Carol and Jim knew there was no number three, but if the Captain kept ordering a search for the missing Tribble, well…no one could object.

Of course Bones retaliates by rounding all fifteen Tribbles up and storing them in a vent. Until Jim walks by and they all pile on top of him. Jim just keeps walking, unfazed, towards his quarters.

Then Jim and Pasha get together in Sulu's room while he's sleeping and moves his low legged table onto his bed, over him. It's three a.m. –in a revenge plot for what he did to Pavel and his alarm clock, and he still hasn't found them all by the way-when they pull out the air horn and blast it right next to Hikaru's ear. They're out of there before Sulu's completely out of bed and they're out of the hallway by the time he gets out of his room.

So Sulu, apparently, soaked the Captain and Chekov's toothbrushes in hot sauce. When the captain had an allergic reaction, everyone kind of freaked out, but Bones fixed it and there was no harm done. Jim had been laughing when he'd shown up on the bridge later.

Pavel, somehow-and seriously no one knows how-replaced all of the powder in Sulu's tea bags with Gravy powder. Sulu had spit his coffee all over Bones and Scotty who were sitting opposite from him. Jim, Carol, and Pavel spent twenty minutes in the mess hall laughing hysterically.

It all goes downhill from there, honestly. Scotty and Bones had replaced Jim's shampoo with bleach, knowing he took a shower every morning. The three from their team were waiting on the bridge, along with Chekov and Dr. Marcus who were looking rather pensive. Even Uhura was waiting to see what they'd done. But when the Captain strolls into the Bridge looking more chipper than usual and, more importantly, with his normal colored hair, the three look at each other rather confused. Pavel looks to Sulu, as if expecting an explanation.

They get one when Spock walks onto the bridge, looking absolutely hateful and yet stoic all at once. His arms are folded behind his back, his uniform is spotless, and his face a perfect mask of Vulcan logic. Oh, and bleach blonde hair. He looks around the bridge, as if daring anyone to say something. No one does.

Chekov looks mortified, as if he can't believe they'd bring the Commander into this situation. Bones looks confused and frustrated. Scotty looks bewildered and has his jaw hanging open. Sulu looks almost as horrified as Chekov, scared he's going to get strangled to death. Uhura is trying not to laugh-because let's face it, there's no way that she could get reprimanded for this-while Carol is outright laughing with the Captain.

And then it clicks for Bones and he turns to gape at the Captain. Jim is just smiling at him, knowing he's made the connection. Scotty gets it next, and there's a string of shocked curses strewing from his mouth. Sulu has to explain it to Chekov once he gets it and every woman on the enterprise knew before the Captain and his First Officer did.

Then the Captain asks Sulu how the Enterprise is running and Spock stalks to his station, outwardly unperturbed but no one is going to cross him in any way any time soon. Bones and Scotty go back to their work stations, Uhura goes back to her console while Carol goes back to her lab, and Sulu and Chekov go back to their station, giving the captain their coordinates and status. After a few minutes, Chekov turns to look at the Captain, who is still sporting a grin from ear to ear, and asks;

"Does zis mean zat I ken ask 'Karu out?"