This oneshot is brought to you by Infamous Storm
The village of Konoha was aloft with life; birds were chirping, bees were buzzing, and kids were giggling in joy. The sun shimmered in the cloudless sky, as if to highlight the joy throughout the townsfolk. It was clear everybody was enjoying the splendid afternoon. Minato Namikaze was not one of those people.
Garbed in a simple t-shirt and pants, he sat alone on a bench in Konoha's park, a figurative cloud of gloom swirling over his sunken head and shoulders, warding off any by-passers that dared approach him.
"Oh my god..." The man whispered, shaking his head. "I'm so hopeless." It was as if his entire world had been crushed, shredded, and burned. There was no hope, no act that could alleviate his sense of doom. He doubted anybody could undo what he just did.
As if an answer to his almighty gloom a phenomenal figure appeared. One so unbelievably manly and suave that whenever he approached, women's nether regions would burn in an explosion of passion and lust! He was a man's man, a role model to all, a true genius among geniuses!
Immediately, in a poof of smoke he had appeared. His masculinity stunning all, his white mane radiating with the sheer gusto of a thousand lions, his sheer presence blowing the minds of all those around him, causing their jaws to drop and their eyes to bulge.
"Mommy! Mommy! It's the weird man who stole your clothes!"
"Just ignore him dear! Maybe he'll go away." said an utterly stunning beauty as she ran off with her son.
That being said, some people's minds were blown in different ways .
"Yo kid, you called?" spoke the gallant Jiraiya of the Sannin. The man had long, spiky white hair, was wearing one of the most ridiculous outfits one had ever seen and had the most unbearably smug smile on his face.
"Yeah..." Minato replied dully, not even looking up to acknowledge his teacher.
In response, the white-haired man blinked, opting to take a seat next to his student.
"So why'd you call?" The man said jubilantly, his happiness unabated by his student's despair.
"Me and Kushina... we tried going to third base..." His blush was so intense that Jiraiya could have sworn the blonde should have swelled up from the overflow of blood.
"Oooooh!" Jiraiya grinned. "I remembered my first time..."
Minato looked to his sensei. A building of hope had been erected to cast away his despair!
"I was 16 and she was 50..."
And that same building was promptly smashed with a wrecking ball. The sheer amount of wrong in that sentence was immeasurable, indescribable. In fact it deserved an entirely freaking new word.
It was... it was...
Needless to say, he stuck to inventing jutsu.
"Oh god..." Minato suddenly turned green. He felt bile rise up in his throat.
"You may puke now, kid, but they're all the same down there." Jiraiya whispered with a glimmer in his eye.
"Oh dear god!" The blonde ran to cluster of nearby bushes, the sound of gagging filling up the park. After a few moments the blonde returned, deathly pale. "Don't... don't ever do that again."
He exasperated, sitting down.
The Sannin gave a hearty laugh before directing an inquisitive look at the boy.
"So exactly what happened to make you call me?"
Minato quirked his head, giving an inquisitive look. "Huh?"
"You know..." Jiraiya tried to look for the right words. "Bow-chika-wow-wow..."
Minato face returned to a brilliant shade of red. "Ummm..." He just remained quiet. The
situation was the most embarrassing in his life. He didn't think he could ever live down something so... so shameful! It caused him to retreat into himself, the cloud of doom and agony growing larger by the second.
The Sannin frowned as his prized student retreated into himself. Trying to reassure him, he laughed and patted him on the back. "Say it like a man kid!"
Minato shook his head feverishly. "I... I can't..." Now that the thought lingered, what he did was just too embarrassing.
Jiraiya had an evil gleam in his eyes. "Oh, Let me guess then."
At that response Minato brought his head up, waving his arms frantically in sheer terror.
"No, no! Don't guess! Please, for the love of god, don't guess!" The horrors that unleashed from that man's mouth was something no person should ever suffer.
"Then...?" Jiraiya drawled, that stupid grin of his plastered on his face.
"I... I..." The words wouldn't come out.
"Out with it, boy!" The white-haired man spat, shaking his student.
Minato suddenly grabbed the man, whispering in his ear.
In response, Jiraiya's eyes grew to the size of dinner plates. This was something that was confidential between two men. Uttering this would be a disservice to their student-teacher bond.
"YOU JIZZED IN YOUR PANTS!?" Well so much for that bond.
What was left of the park population suddenly depleted.
"Did you have to scream it!?" Minato shouted, rubbing his ears. What dignity he had left had been destroyed.
Wait, there was still a little bit left.
"Well I can understand," Jiraiya laughed. "Some men aren't using to having a party in their pants."
Nevermind, it was gone now.
Minato crossed his arms. "You're not helping!" Why did he have to have such a strange teacher? Honestly!
"I mean seriously! Not that I think about Kushina..." Minato did not like where this was going.
"She's beautiful, she's strong and she's got huge..." Jiraiya suddenly had a very lecherous grin, which caused a rush of anger to swell up within his student.
Minato took out a very peculiar kunai. "Finish that." there was a very dangerous gleam in his eyes. "I dare you." Only a man with magnificent, truly magnificent balls would continue with their thought process.
"Amounts of chakra..." Jiraiya chuckled nervously. Needless to say, he did not have those tremendous testicles of steel.
"Nice save." The blonde nodded, his rage doused out. However, his glare remained fixated on his sensei, as if he was staring into his soul After a few moments of awkward staring the young gave a sigh.
"So... any advice?" The blonde was in a pickle to say the least.
"What are you asking?" Jiraiya said as he shook himself off the stare.
Minato shook his head. "I'm wondering how I can fix..." he searched for the right word. "the awkwardness between us." To be honest, 'awkwardness' was an understatement.
"Ahhh..." Jiraiya stroked his chin, deep in thought. "Well, you can't." Minato suddenly became gloom again.
"Oh..." The blonde shook his head. "This is going to suck..."
"Buuuuut!" Jiraiya began, bringing forth the blonde's attention again. "I can give you some tips to impress her, and stop you from having an..." Jiraiya gave a small laugh at his student's expense.
"Erm, 'episode' again."
Minato glared once again. Yeah, give it a nickname!
The conversation from then on became the most awkward sort known to mankind. It involved some of the most interesting secrets known to man, so interesting that the future fourth hokage took out a notepad to write it down.
Some were revolutionary.
"... So there's a K-spot?" Minato asked in awe and wonderment.
"Yes, above the G-spot." The man finished matter-of-factly. "But the K-spot can only be activated by the most skilled of lovers. It requires dedication, passion, and a flexible tongue." Jiraiya suddenly shivered as he thought about his snake-like teammate. "But upon reaching the K-spot the woman will reach a level of pleasure that surpasses the most extensive of positions! She will worship you! WORSHIP YOU!"
Minato nodded fervently, scribbling it down like a man possessed.
Some were factual.
"Also, love making is not so much what you do, it's what you say."
Minato looked at his teacher weirdly. "Huh?"
"Woman have been statistically proven to be aroused by emotion. So you have to say something that makes her feel special."
"How do you know if she feels special?"
"Have you ever said something and she gets this glazed look in her eye?"
"Ohhhh, that's what that was?"
"... wait, what?"
"I just tell her how much I love her every day and she always gets this strange look in her eye and kisses me."
"Wait... so you just tell her the truth?" Jiraiya threw his arms up in astonishment. This was completely revolutionary! It went against all his ground rules, his traditions, his motto!
"Aren't you supposed to do that?"
Jiraiya was too busy scribbling down in his notepad to answer. This would be an excellent idea to his new book!
But as weird as the information was, it had results.
(Seventeen years later)
Minato stared at his son within the seal.
"And that Naruto, is how you were born."
The boy was wide-eyed. "WHHHAAAAAAAT!?"