A/N - (a small troll since i'm glad i have my PC back)
Okay, so both Maya and Alex kept screaming at me to update this, so here it is... It's mainly dialogues, since i'm not good at describing surroundings and stuff like that... And no lemons this time.. It probably sucks, since i desperately wanted to play Skyrim instead of writing, but SOMEONE just had to yell at me to finish this...Like i couldn't do it tomorrow...or maybe next week...or idk !
*Wild Alex and Maya approaches*
*I quickly ran away*
Alex reads what i wrote, and says "What Lurker here wanted to say that she doesn't own us, but we surely own her"
Both of them laughs and i'm embarrassed.. "Gee, thanks Lex..."
Alex realizes that i'm not writing this chapter, she points a gun at my Katana Blade..."Keep writing..."
I cry out loudly, and i start to write..."Okay okay dammit"
Alex smiles and friendly pokes my head..."Good girl.."
Alex leaves and i can write freely again..."Help ;("
Maya makes an ehm voice, and i'm screwed... "Lurker here will write like a good little girl, and you will try to enjoy. And do leave reviews please"
First hour of our ride was quite silent. Nikita wouldn't tell me where exactly are we heading, and i kept thinking that this trip was indeed very important for her. But why all the secrecy ? It was more than strange. I could tell that the trip will be a long one, since she packed food and water for us. We left town, and i was thinking that maybe it was time for a quick nap. I was still pretty exhausted from our morning and shower activities, and since the car music Nikita switched was so very relaxing and so very calm, i closed my eyes and let the singer's voice calm my mind. She was right. There was absolutely nothing wrong with oriental music. The sweet and calm sounds of drums, mixed with violins and the singer's enchanting voice was really something very magical. There was something in those sounds that made me entirely peaceful and Nikita surely knew that, since she was stealing side glances at me from the moment i closed my eyes. I knew, because of the muffled voices and laughter. She knew exactly what was the music doing with me, and it was not much longer before i gave myself entirely to the music. Sweet sounds of drums stopped my every thought, and i let myself wander into my dreamland. And the last thing i remembered was Nikita's hand, gently caressing mine.
I woke up few later, her hand still on mine, the other one on the steering wheel. She was silently nodding to the melody, and i started too. It was just too enchanting for me to ignore. Nikita, of course, saw this and smiled. She picked my hand and kissed it, a sentimental move, but oh so sweet.
"Amazing, isn't it ?" she asked, setting the volume a bit lower. I nodded and yawned, still unable to speak since i was deadly tired. Seeing that i wouldn't talk, she continued. "You know, most people can't appreciate art, even if its right in front of them" she said, her smile faded away. I yawned again, scratching my eyes. Somehow, music and everything around art seemed to bring sadness and pain. Strange. "You alright ?" i asked when i heard her sob a little. "Yeah...Everything's alright" always that act. Everything was always alright with her. But not this time. I took her hand into mine and kissed it. The same thing she did moments ago. I was amazed by how quickly it worked.
"Stop lying. I clearly see the sudden sadness in your eyes" i told her, making sure she knew of my concern. She laughed and shook her head.
"Always the clever one huh ?" Nikita asked, turning the music off since she knew i wouldn't let this go. I looked at the horizon in front of us and with a smile i said "Someone must be" it was slowly getting dark, but the sun was still radiating its heat in full power. I saw our backpack on the back seats and i tried to reach it.
"You know...Back then, when with Division, i hated music...It was nothing for me. Just a sound" Nikita said, small anger evident in her voice. But she was now listening and praising music, so something must have changed. I finally reached the backpack, and i sit back on my seat.
"Apparently something changed your opinion ?" i said, searching for water. Her eyes drifted to see mine, a pained expression in her look. And i knew what exactly caused this pain. I almost felt sorry for asking, since i knew this topic would only hurt her.
"Someone...Daniel showed how to enjoy simple things in life...Like art. Paintings, statues, literature...Music. Things like that. We used to just lie on the bed, listening to any random songs we could find...We closed our eyes, and then the true magic began...When he died i...left it behind me. It caused only pain...Bad memories..." i saw a lonely tear escaping her eye, and if she wouldn't have been driving, i would hug her tightly, never letting her go. I would protect her from this pain. But right now i couldn't. So i did the only thing i could at the moment.
"I'm sorry" i said, even thought i knew it was a poor gesture. Words could never cure this kind of pain. What she needed was love, a kiss and a promise of better times. She was silently sobbing, and i knew she was in lots of pain right now. It was apparent on her look. People say, time could heal wounds, but scars will remain forever. I know mine did. With her help, they slowly started to heal. And i wanted the same for her. To heal her ached heart, her shattered soul. Few moments of silence passed, and she took my hand in hers again. She smiled slightly, shaking her head.
"Don't be" she said, taking the bottle of water from my hands, drinking the water in it with hunger. But there was something strange, something that didn't quite made sense. Why was she willingly reliving the pain, when there was no need ? I had to ask..
"Why are you listening to it if it only brings back bad memories ?" i asked, taking the empty bottle back, placing it into the backpack. Suddenly she looked at me, ignoring the road and everything in front of her. I was confused at first, but when she said what she did, my heart melted.
"Because i want to forget them, and the person who lived them with me. And because i want to make new ones with you" those words. What her words could do to me was magical. Never in my life i would have predicted to be so in love with somebody. As a kid, I've always believed in true love and happy endings. All children do. But after everything that happened, those things became nothing more than mere illusions for me. Something that people made up, just to feel safe, wanted. Just another human lie. But this moment right here, those words and her tears...Those were evidences that true love truly existed. And what was even more unbelievable ? I was feeling it. A small, evil part of me hated Daniel. After all this time, he was still with her, even if only through memories and silly reminders. He caused her pain, even thought it wasn't his fault. And the thought of someone having Nikita before me was just...infuriating. Unbearable. Another part of me wanted to thank him. Thanks to his death, Nikita finally managed to cut off Division entirely from her life. Thus saving me from drugs and stuff that poisoned my life. And now she was mine, and i knew it was partly thanks to him.
I couldn't get to open my mouth. Words were hollow, and my voice dead. There was nothing i could say, nothing i could do. I was just sitting there, staring at the perfect woman next to me, and i kept reminding myself that she's all mine. "We're here" she said as the car abruptly stopped. Nikita went upside, stretching her arms and legs. I did so as well. The moon was slowly making its way on the sky, and the sun was already falling. I could tell this would be a warm night. Nikita told me to get the backpack as she took something from the back seats of the car. She took her keys with her, just in case.
"It's not far. We just have to go on foot" she pointed at the forest entrance, and i only nodded. I just couldn't get my voice to work. I was afraid to even open my mouth. We were walking for what felt like an eternity in silence, both unable to comprehend what Nikita said back in the car. Did she really meant it ? Was i supposed to replace Daniel forever ? Was she really ready to forget him ? So many questions, but i couldn't ask any of them. The strength to speak left me when i heard her words. Suddenly we stopped and i could see a small, but extremely beautiful lake. I was in awe. I've never seen something so beautiful and peaceful in my entire life.
"This is...just... wow" i said, surprised to have my voice back. Nikita chuckled and put her backpack on the ground, then taking mine too. I stretched my muscles, since the backpack was quite heavy. "Yeah, exactly" it was indeed very beautiful. And still untouched by human hands. How was that even possible ?
"How did you..-" i tried to ask, but Nikita already answered my question. "Luck" really now. Just luck. She took the empty bottle from my backpack and went to the lake to fill it. Water was still evidently drinkable in here. And again, silence. When she was finished, she gave me the bottle, and i looked at her with sadness. She cupped my face, gently caressing my cheek. One of her fingers went to caress my lower lip, and i let out a silent moan. Her touch could always bring me to oblivion. And as abruptly as she started, the sensation ended when she left to search for something in her backpack which was on the ground.
"When i found Daniel i...ran. There were Division agents everywhere, but i manged to slip away. I ran, not knowing where or what to do...There was just emptiness everywhere. I ran and i accidentally found this place. By pure luck. I never even knew something so beautiful was so close to us. Michael found me here, and he was so persistent that i let go of my past. That it weakens me.." it was so hard to listen to her memories, which were filled with pain and suffering. Maybe even harder for me, than for her. I wanted to go hug her, but she swiftly stand up, a small ornament box in her hand. And i had feeling i knew what exactly was in it.
"And he was right... I can't be with you. Not entirely. Not with Daniel still on my mind. I want to be only yours, Alex. And for that to achieve, i need to forget" her words were so sharp and filled with so much emotions. She wanted me, so much as i wanted her. This love was true and right and perfect and there was nothing in this world that could destroy it...But I've never seen her like this. It would seem that she was ready to crumble right there in front of me, and i knew i had to do something, or she really will. I wanted to say something, but she interrupted me again.
"I wanted you to see this place. This solitude of mine. I come here in my dreams when i feel alone. When i miss him. I want you to see what his death did to me...Because when you'll see it, you will realize how much i will suffer if something happens to you" she slowly walked towards me, her emotions still under tight control. She was gripping the box tightly. Almost crushing it. She was both angry and hurt at the same time.
"Nikita.." i said, but she put a finger on my lips, silencing me. And i knew she wanted me to be silent. She had a lot more to tell, and i slowly nodded. She looked into my eyes, and i could see all that pain and suffering that she had to endure and hide for years. She was letting it all go on the surface. Finally.
"I want to stop coming here... I want to be finally happy, with someone i love and care for. I want to bury my memories, along with this box. I want to love only you" it hit me pretty badly. Daniel surely never had a proper burial. Of course she wanted to do SOMETHING for him. But then, was she doing this for him, or for herself ? Or maybe for me ? Maybe even for both of us ? I nodded, silently saying that i'll help her with anything she needs. She smiled, kissing me slightly on my lips. I gently caressed the side of her face, and she let out a slight moan. When the kiss ended, she took my hand and we went to find a proper burial place for the box. As predicted, it was filled with two engagement rings. Hers and Daniels. It must have been hard for Nikita to bury her memories like that, without a second guess, but i was partly glad. This means she was ready to start over. She could finally start to heal, and i was more than happy to lend a hand.
After we were done, i hugged her from behind, my head on the crook of her neck. I held her tightly, not wanting to let her go. Never. She placed her hands on mine, and i could see tears going down her face. "You have to promise me that whatever you do in Division, you will always look for yourself. You will ALWAYS defend yourself, even if it means hurting others...Hurting me..."
"I could never hurt you..." of course i couldn't. Why would i ? I loved her more than anything. She shook her head almost instantly, breaking free from my tight grip. She turned around, staring directly into my eyes. Her own were filled with fear and pain.
"You have to promise me. Or i won't let you go there" she said, almost yelled. I could feel the desperation in her voice, and i was starting to think that maybe this was not a good idea after all. Maybe we could just run. Be happy in some foreign country. But i know her, and i know myself. This was not up for debate. Division needed to be destroyed, and then will we have our happy ending.
"That's not for you to decide Nikita. I've made my choice, and i will have my revenge. But i won't hurt you to achieve it" i said a little colder than i wanted. Revenge was something that kept me walking, breathing...That kept me alive. But now, Nikita. Her world is crashing down, and i was offering mine. I needed her, that was the hard truth. Fairy tales always foretold that love is the most powerful and dangerous weapons of all times. I could only agree on this. I stared into her eyes, i could feel tears running down my face as well. She quickly swept them away and smiled sadly, looking at the ground.
"You will have to, one day" she backed up, and i was more and more confused. She accidentally hit her back on the tree, and i went closer to her. "What ?" i asked, still not understanding what did that comment meant. I caressed her face, then kissed her tears away. She looked at me with those beautiful eyes again and she gripped my shoulders, holding me in one place. "Promise me. I love you too much to lose you Alex. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something happens to you" i knew exactly how she felt right now. I wanted her to promise the same thing yesterday. But now i realized just how hard it was. How can i promise such a thing ? I shook my head, breaking off her hold.
"Promise me the same" she was staring at me, and i could see those gears in her head working on a tactical plan out of this. But i knew her better. And she knew me. There was no way out of this. She sighed, a sound of defeat.
"I promise.." she said, eyes quickly averted from mine to the ground. I just stared, unable to accept this false promise. Surely she was bluffing. Or... Was it really that easy ? To promise her pain for my safety ? An exchange of her life for mine ? No... This is not my way. I loved her too much for that.
"Yeah, but i can't ! I just can't switch my emotions on, off anytime i want Nikita ! How can you even ask such a stupid thing from me ? How can i hurt you when i need you ?!" i yelled, now knowing what to do, or what to say. She was doing this extremely hard for me. And i was losing my control. Anger was back and it was only her fault. She went to me, she caressed my face. "You can live on when i'm gone. Be happy again. I can't.." what was she even saying ? How could she even think about such things ? I was amazed by how stupid this all sounded...Was she really willing to give up on us so easily ?
"Are you even listening to what you're saying ? How can i live on without you ? You're the only person i have in the entire world. You're the only person i ever loved... If you die, i'll go with you" her eyes widened as i was finished. But, deep inside i knew she was happy i said that. I surely was. My emotions were finally outside. I was angry. At her for saying this. At Division for separating us. But i needed her to know that i won't give up on us. Not now, not ever. She tried to calm me down, she even tried to hug me but i quickly went backwards. "Alex..."
"No.. You said enough. Nothing you say will ever change what i feel for you. I won't hurt you, you won't hurt me. And if so, we'll die together. End of story" i smiled, finally letting those damn words out in the open. It felt good to let go. Nikita stared at me, confused. I figured that she was the one who wanted to protect me. But i wouldn't let her. We have each other. We will protect each other. We will stand together. And we will die together.
"How can you say this..." tears were flowing down her face, like a wild river. I went to her and hugged her tightly, letting her know that i'm here. And i will always be here. I kissed her very lightly on her lips, and i could feel her tears in our heated kiss. When the kiss ended, we rested our foreheads on each other's. A defensive move that we created. Just for us.
"I just know what i want in life...Someone very important taught me that" i said as we both fell to the ground, in each other's embrace. Moon silently illuminating our wet faces, and i kissed my wild assassin like there was no tomorrow. Because i knew my infiltration will come soon. I have to cherish every moment with her. And this here, right now. This place, her statement. Her promise.
It made me realize that no matter the obstacle, no matter the enemy, no matter the situation or the pain. Nothing will change my feelings.
My world is crashing down right at the moment. It was crashing for a long time now, but this moment of weakness burned it all down. Daniel was still on my mind, every time i woke up i saw his face, i heard his voice, his laughter, his words of love. But there was no longer room for that. Alex claimed that position in my heart. Now, when i wake up, its her face i see. Its her voice i hear, her laughter that i enjoy. Her words of love that i listen. Alex, even if unwillingly, was slowly destroying his memory. I no longer could remember his favorite color, or his favorite food. Those stupid things that never mattered. Now they were gone, and his memory is only a tiny fragment of what it first was. In my heart, there was no room for both of them. He was my past. Destroyed past, full of death and lies. And Alex was my future. A future with a tiny chance for happy ending. There was only one thing i could do. I need to bury my past, and i need to start building my future.
So much feelings dammit...I'm sorry Niki for letting you suffer like this..EVERYONE ! GO AND GIVE NIKI A BIG BEAR HUG RIGHT NOW ! i feel so bad now..I know even a hardcore assassin like Nikita has to take off her armor once, twice..to show her emotions and stuff like that... But, oh damn this was so bad from me...Im so sorry, Alex will make it up to you in the next chapter, i promise ! ;(
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