Chapter 10: August 28, 2013 – Jon

Chapter Summary: **The 'Real Family' Part of the 2013 LiveJournal's Twisted Shorts FaD** series. Her family is now a sci-fi Jerry Springer episode.

Timeline: Five years after Chapter 7 'Tony and Sam'; during what would be season 5 for BtVS.

Challenge: for the livejournal 2013 August Fic-a-Day Challenge. There used to be a challenge on TtH (#2792) about Buffy being Clone Jack's 'mom', but it's disappeared.

A/N: For the last entry in this collection, I decided to make a fun/strange chapter even more strange…and hopefully fun. Thanks for all the encouragement and ideas; sorry if I didn't get to your choices.

Disclaimer: BtVS/AtS characters belong to Joss Whedon/Mutant Enemy. I claim no rights to any copyrighted material. Please do not copy or take this story without my permission.


Buffy decided to check out the place where she got the glowy orb thing while the gang researched it at the shop. There she found a skanky blonde chick who hit like the Hulk or Thor and a beaten guy in a robe. She figured the guy was the one who lost the orb. At the very least, he probably didn't deserve being tortured by the skank demon.

After she jumped out of the window with the guy, she tried to get as far away as possible, but that wasn't very far considering he was dying. He must have realized that she was the Slayer, though, because he started talking about a Key. "No. For centuries it had no form at all. My brethren, its only keepers. Then the Abomination found us. We had to hide the Key, gave it form, molded it flesh... made it human and sent it to you as a sister."

Confused, Buffy said, "I don't have a sister. Are you sure you sent it to me? There is another Slayer named Faith who's in jail."

Even though he was clearly weakening, the monk managed to shake his head slightly and insisted, "The Key was sent to the Hellmouth…to you. You must find it and protect it. It does not know what it is; it- she is an innocent you must protect."

Before she could say anything else, he gave one last sigh and died in her arms.

Magic Box

Next day…

"What the hell is going on, Giles?" Buffy shouted. "How can I protect this Key thing when I don't even know where it is or what it looks like?!"

Giles pulled out a book and mentioned, "Anya said something about a 16th century French sorcerer by the name of Cloutier who had a spell to see the residual effects of other spells. If you could manage to cast it, you might be able to find the Key-person."

"Mom! I'm going to the store for beef jerky and beer!" Jon called out from the back door.

"Stop!" Buffy yelled back. "You'd better mean root beer, mister."

Jon growled in frustration; he had really hoped that catching her while she was distracted would work this time.

Buffy smiled at him and said, "I don't care if you have the mind of an Air Force Colonel, I'm not letting any child of mine drink alcohol before I'm the legal drinking age. Whoa, how weird does that sound?"

"Fine! Do you want anything?" Jon asked resignedly.

"Nah, all good."

After he left, Giles stared at the door thoughtfully, then asked, "Do you think that perhaps it might not be a sister, but somebody else? After all, Jon's appearance in your life was rather unusual."

"That's an understatement!" Buffy snorted. "My teenage son who's only about five years younger than me because he's the clone of a forty-something year old Colonel who impressed some aliens, but they screwed it up and they needed some Slayer DNA to keep him from dying…not to mention that said Colonel and clone both have a crush on my bio-mom who was the surrogate for my parents who decided to have the baby of two geniuses, one of whom is a multi-billionaire. I forgot, what was my point?"

"That Jon couldn't be the Key the monk was referring to," Giles finished for her.

She shrugged. "That I seriously hope that he isn't the Key the monk was talking about," Buffy corrected him. "Finding out he was Jack's clone sent him for a big loop; finding out his 'mom' is the daughter of his co-worker-slash-romantic interest? I'm surprised his brain didn't explode. But this Key thing? Way too much to put on him!"

Unfortunately, with her family's luck, that probably would turn out to be the case. Sighing, Buffy said, "Okay, let's do the spell so I can find out one way or the other."

Bonus Scene:

How to defeat a god, the SG1 way…

"How did you get the President to authorize such a gigantic expense?" Sam asked her commanding officer, General Hammond.

"I just explained that it involved the fate of the world as verified by SG1 and the Slayer," Hammond replied. "Apparently when you agree with Buffy on world security, there's very little we can't ask for."

"What do you say…could the world's safety depend on each of us having a box set of 'The Simpsons'?" Jack asked Buffy. Sad thing was, she was willing to bet he was a tiny bit serious at that.

"Let's just get this thing set up so we can kill Glory before she gets Jon," Buffy pleaded. He might be some mystical Key shoved into a genetically-engineered clone, but he was still her son, and she'd do anything to keep him safe.

They got the backup Stargate into position and hooked it up to the massive generators.

"How does this work again?" Giles inquired.

"Well, we're hoping that even though the zats didn't affect Glory, the unstable vortex created by the wormhole will be strong enough to disintegrate her," Sam answered. "We're setting it up here because we don't want to risk the SGC being destroyed by her."

Second Bonus Scene:

How to defeat a god, the Avengers way…

Thor and Buffy took turns pounding the Hellgoddess with their respective hammers, kind of like they were playing a bizarre game of tennis, but without a net and with Glory being the 'ball' they were using. After a few rounds, she shifted back into Ben, which made Buffy pause in her hitting. Thor – more used to magick tricking the senses into allowing an enemy to escape – did not.

"Whether the Beast was in control of the body or not, this was not an innocent being," Thor explained. "In comparison to the Beast, the male body might seem that way, but he did his fair share of evil acts which allowed her to continue in her own evil."

Meanwhile, Hulk was busy smashing all the scabby minions as Black Widow and Hawkeye used less lethal methods to subdue the humans. They saw the demon named Doc come flying off the tower as Iron Man hit him with a repulsor blast just before he could make the first cut on Jon.

A/N: The events of the episode are slightly twisted to serve my purposes.

As for the second bonus scene, I highly doubt Glory would have gotten that far in her plans, but I thought it'd be a kick to see the fight using the Avengers.