Disclaimer: Once again, everyone belongs to J.K. Rowling, except Bridget Jones who belongs to Helen Fielding. Read, enjoy, review and please don't sue.

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The Morning After

Ugh…buzzing…what?

Ooh, that was a big yawn. Neighbours probably heard that one.

Bright sunshine outside. But still not enough sleep.

Why is that alarm buzzing like that? Why do I have to get up? It's so early.

Hang on a sec, I remember now. James and Lily get married today…and I'm the best man…have to wear a suit…got my hair cut especially…I bet Lily will look beautiful.

Lily…Lily…why does thinking about her make my stomach churn?

How strange…hmm…will sleep some more. It might make more sense after a nap.

One sheep, two sheep, three sheep, four, five, sex…hang on, sex? What happened to six?

Sex…Lily…

………………………

Oh good God, what have I done?

Lily…here…kissing…bedroom…oh, yes…oh, no! No, no, no! Bad Sirius!

Help!

Maybe if I keep my eyes closed she won't know that I'm awake. Maybe she'll leave, and we'll never mention it again.

Damn, it was good though…no, wait, it was bad. Very, very bad. In fact, I'd say excruciatingly so.

Aw, who am I trying to kid? It was terrific!

I can't believe I've done that to James, though. I feel awful. What was I thinking?

Not a lot, actually. Apart from how much I wanted Lily, that is. But that's not really much of an excuse now, is it?

Speaking of Lily, I wonder if she's awake yet. She doesn't seem to be moving…or breathing!

But I don't want to open my eyes, just in case she sees me and wants to talk. I can't talk about this yet. I'm not ready.

So I will just casually reach out - like so - and make sure she's all right. She'd better be okay. I can't even begin to think how I'll explain this to James if she isn't.

Why is my hand patting a big empty space?

Where is she?

Well, she's not next to me…and unless she's hiding in the wardrobe, she's not in the room.

She hasn't gone, has she?

She can't have!

Lily? Lily?

Ah, there you are.

You made coffee? Ooh, that's nice. Just what I needed.

You want to talk?

We need to talk?

Oh, God. I was afraid you'd say that.

OK, talking…think I can remember how to do that…right.

You know, I don't know why I'm so worried about this, brain.

It'll be fine. I'll just come right out and say it. She'll understand. She has to understand.

Lily, I love you, I really do. I really, really do. God, how can I ever make you see how much I love you? You're the last thing I think about before I go to sleep, and the first thing I think about when I wake up-

Wait, that's too much. Way too much. I'm letting her down gently here, not confessing undying love.

Even if that's what I really want to do…

Okay, can't think about that right now. Must remember James. Think…James. The one and only James Potter is in the house. Or in da house, or whatever that silly phrase is.

She really does have a gorgeous smile, though.

Gah!

Brain, you remember James, don't you?

Hey, I was just checking! No need to picture him mad at me, thanks. I don't need that distraction right now.

Although I do feel I should point out that it's Remus who's a wolf, not James. And I don't think he'd tear me limb from limb quite like that…

Anyway, let's try again, shall we?

Lily, I care about you a lot. Having you in my life means so much, more than you could ever know. But James is my best friend, and I can't hurt him like…well, like this would hurt him, that is if he knew about it, of course, which will never happen...you're not going to tell him, are you? Are you?

Hmm. Better, although maybe a little too desperate at the end. Or a lot too desperate, depending on your point of view.

I'd better hope Peter doesn't find out about this. He'll tell James for sure.

That guy never was any good at keeping secrets.

But back to Lily. I probably shouldn't neglect her. Don't want to upset her, not on her wedding day. James would kill me.

Oh, I should not have gone there…

How can I tell her it was a mistake? How can I possibly-

You think it was a mistake?

You're sorry?

If circumstances were different then we might have had a chance, but James is the man you're going to marry?

You love him? You can't live without him? You don't want to live without him? Right…

This, I must admit, I was not expecting.

Don't you want me just a little? I mean, I'm quite a catch, you know. Any girl in her right mind would want to date me…

Did I just say that out loud?

Oops.

No, of course I'm not suggesting you're crazy. Lily, calm down! Please?

Yeah, just put the butter knife down there. Okay. That's better.

She's right. Well, she always is. That's why I hated her so much at first. You know, before I loved her and all. Just because she could make the feather rise up into the air and I couldn't…hey, it was my wand, all right?

Last night…well, it was just a stupid mistake, that's all. Enjoyable, but nonetheless the dumbest thing I have ever done in my entire life.

Let me revise that for you, brain. It was the dumbest thing, but also the best thing…

Can't tell Lily that, though. Must retain some dignity, even if I do want to just collapse in a snivelling heap at her feet and beg her to marry me instead.

Must maintain inner poise; it is essential in times of crisis. Hmm. Who was it who talked about inner poise all the time? Was it Professor Dumbledore?

Ah, Bridget Jones. Still, close enough.

Deep breath now, Sirius. Be the bigger man here.

Or the only man here.

James is a great guy, and I know you two kids will be very happy together.

That doesn't mean you have to go, though! Where is she going?

Okay, you have to go. You have to get ready. People will be heading to the church soon.

I understand.

I wish I didn't but…I do. It's James. It's always been him, hasn't it?

Wait, don't ask her that. I think I'd rather not hear her say it. There's only so much punishment I can take, you know?

Still, I'm sure this previously undiscovered ability to withstand all of the pain and suffering someone can through at me will come in handy at some point in the future. So this hasn't been a total loss.

Let me help you with your coat there…wow.

Her skin is still incredibly soft.

I want to kiss her again.

I can't.

If I do, I don't know if I could let her leave.

And on top of everything else that's gone on here, I don't think I could cope with being arrested for abduction. That would really be the cherry on top of the icing on top of the cake…ooh, am getting hungry now.

Just say it already.

Lily, I don't want you to go. Stay with me. Love me.

I mean, what's the problem? It's not like it's in French or anything…

The problem is, she belongs to James. And I can't do that to him, I can't.

This is it. This is my last chance. Stop her, damn it!

I want to…how I want to…but I can't!

So I'll wave like an idiot instead. Real smooth, Sirius.

She's gone.

Lily's left me.

That sounds weird – even in my twisted head. How can she leave me when she was never really with me in the first place?

Ugh, it's too early to think about that. Instead, will file that particular idea away for discussion when I finally get around to seeking psychiatric help. I have a feeling it will take a trained professional to unravel that one.

I miss her already. How pathetic is that?

Oh, God.

How can I watch her marry James today? How can I be happy for them?

How can I not be happy for them? They love each other so much.

It's not James' fault that I love her too.

My head hurts. And so does my heart.

Lily…