This is a fill from the Iwatobi Swim Club Kink Meme on dreamwidth.

Prompt: I just want Nagisa sad and hiding it from everyone. I want him to fall into self harm and hide it under his swim suit. Worried that it might ride up while swimming and expose him.

There are heavy triggers for self harm as well as graphic depictions.

I do not own Free! or it's characters.

Calm down Nagisa.

He stumbled into his room, thankful that his house appeared to be empty.

Almost there. Just breathe.

He could feel his hands start to shake with nervous excitement. The promise of relief just a few feet away.

Just a little further.

He frantically leafed through his drawers, searching for a small box hidden amongst the clothes. Kind of an obvious place if anyone came snooping, but he didn't much care at this point. He just needed it easily accessible and ready for him if he needs it.

Well it's more when than if at this point.

He popped the lid off of the box, almost crying for joy when he saw the tiny razor blade that he had taken from a pencil sharpener a few weeks ago. Just feeling the tiny weight in his hand as he picked it up make him let out a heady sigh of relief. It felt like no more than a feather, but it calmed his frayed nerves all the same.

He almost felt scared when he realized that he was about to take this razor to his skin without taking the time to disinfect anything, but it was a fleeting thought, easily overpowered by excitement as he pulled off his clothes and the damp swimming shorts underneath.

I'm running out of room, he thought with dismay as he looked at his mutilated thighs. His swimsuit was already threatening to ride up and expose the myriad of cuts and scars that littered his pale flesh, but he figured that a few just a bit lower wouldn't hurt anyone. If worse came to worse he could always start wearing the long ones like Makoto wears.

He ended his inner ramblings and placed the blade to his skin, letting out a high pitched whine as he dragged it hard and slow across his skin. He watched the blood bloom across his pale skin before his eyes screwed shut at the sharp but oh so familiar pain that came with the entrancing streams of red running down his legs.

He lost himself in it. One cut became two which then grew to 10 which then grew to 20 brand new, heavily bleeding cuts marring his once blemish free flesh. He sighed in relief as his jitters subsided, as the need to just hurt faded away and the harsh, painful tang of guilt and sorrow rushed through his veins to replace the blood currently pooling against his hardwood floor.

He knew he needed to stop the bleeding.

He knew he needed to disinfect his wounds before even the threat of infection set in.

He knew he needed to clean up the mess before he had hard to explain bloodstains littering his floor.

He knew he needed to do all of those things, but he could only sink to the floor, his razor falling out of his limp hand as he curled into a little ball.

And sobbed…

And sobbed…

And sobbed…

"Nagisa-kun! Oi Nagisa-kun!"

Nagisa turned his face away from his friend for a minute schooling his face into the same bubbly expression that the blue haired male was used to seeing. "What is it Rei-chan?"

"You just usually pounce on me when I get on the train. I was wondering if something was wrong."

A somewhat nervous laugh bubbled up out of the blonde's throat. "Sorry Rei-chan. I was just brooding about that math test we have today and didn't realize you had gotten on." His smile turned a bit mischievous. "Why? Did you want me to jump you or something?"

"Don't be stupid," Rei grumbled. "And anyway why are you nervous about a test? You've never seemed to care before."

Nagisa's eyes narrowed in annoyance. Why couldn't Rei just let it go and leave him alone? It wasn't like it was any of his business anyway. However, he didn't let his smile falter, even though the pain of keeping up appearances was eating him alive.

Ne, I haven't even gotten to school yet and I already need a cut. That's pretty pathetic.

Nagisa managed to get out of class early to change into his swimsuit before practice. Though Rei's stares had followed him the entire time. Panic made him stumble on his way to the bathroom when he considered the possibility of his friends discovering his secret. He could see their sneering glares and the way their lips would curl up in disgust as they laughed at his cuts. His scars. His pain. A few weeks ago he would have never even considered the possibility of the ever caring Mako or stoic Haru looking at him with contempt, but that was before he realized to what a pathetic leech he was. Always clinging to and bothering his friends. His shrill voice grating to even his own ears. They must be staying with him out of pity.

He crashed into the boy's bathroom reaching into his bag to pull out a pen. It was a ballpoint so it wasn't very sharp, but it got the job done as he pushed it in hard and dragged it across the skin of his forearm. It was more painful than the quick kiss of a razor and the damage wasn't as visible, but it left a comforting red line on his pale flesh and the burn continued as he went into a stall to put on a his swim suit.

Normally he would change with the rest of the guys (excluding Haruka) and just position himself in such a way near the corner of the room so that his cuts were nearly impossible to see unless you were looking for them, but with Rei breathing down his neck, he didn't want to risk it. Besides he had to make sure that his swimsuit covered up his destruction from last night.

He stripped off his pants and boxers, gazing at his legs with a mixture of guilt, disgust, and fascination. He really did some damage last night. Some of the wounds had opened just a bit and had littered the inside of his pants with little pinpricks of red. The entire area felt raw as he slipped on the spandex, wincing as it clung to his legs in the most painful way. With a quick check to make sure that everything was hidden, he walked out of his stall only to bump right into the person he was trying to avoid the most. "Rei-chan!"

"Why did you leave class early Nagisa-kun?"

"Ah well you see… I just…" His heart raced as he tried to dig through his frazzled mind for a believable excuse.


"The lunch today didn't agree with me is all… I..I-I wasn't feeling good?"


He inwardly cursed as his voice had the inflection of a question at the end, making Rei raise his eyebrows in a suspicious manner.

The blue haired male crossed his arms. "Is that so?"

Using what little will he had left, Nagisa pushed most of the panic to the back of his mind and gave his usual winning smile to his friend. "Yep! Is Rei-chan worried about me?" He stumbled back against the wall dramatically. "Do you want to carry me to the nurse's office?"

Rei wasn't deterred in the least bit by the blonde's act. "You know you could've just told me you put your swimsuit on in here. I heard you jostling around."

The panic that he had managed to suppress came back with a vengeance with those words. He felt his heart sink low into his stomach and nausea turn his insides into a painful ball of mush.

. . . !

He braced himself for the words that he had been telling himself for the past few weeks.




But Rei just shook his head and tossled the blonde's soft hair. "Idiot. If you're embarrassed to change in front of us then you could've just said something."

Nagisa smiled weakly up at that taller man. "Sorry. I just didn't want to bother you."

"Besides," Rei continued as the final bell rang and the two made their way towards the pool, "we're all guys anyway so it's not like there's a reason to be embarrassed."

Please, Nagisa thought as he kept his fake smile firmly plastered on his face, we both know with my girly frame and lack of muscles I could've walked into the girl's bathroom and no one would've questioned it.