Dave the minion had fallen madly in love with his boss' charming wife, Lucy. Never had he wanted anything as much as he wanted her, and to get her love he would do whatever it takes... A dark tale that's definitely not for children.

Disclaimer: I do not own Despicable Me.

Essence of Gru
by: Thumb Mode

Dave still remembers the day he first met Lucy Wilde. She had the most winsome smile and the kindest eyes he had ever seen, that melted his little heart the moment he set his gaze upon her sweet face. He had never been in love before, so that magical point in time hit him hard (in a happy way) like a rampaging truck on a clear highway in Nevada, and Dave was never the same again.

Unfortunately for him, Lucy had fallen in love with Gru, the bald, overweight and grumpy ex-villain whom Dave worked for. At first, he thought he had a chance even when the two had begun dating ("In the looks and humor department, I'm certainly much better!" Dave thought bemusedly), but then when Gru married Lucy, he was crushed.

It certainly seemed unfair because, on that first day, who would have thought that Gru and Lucy would eventually become a couple? They could not be any more different. Lucy was a quirky, cheerful nymph-like angel, while Gru was a boring, over-the-top serious swine with a perpetually angry look on his face. Gru had even said that he didn't like Lucy. Obviously, that had changed.

Meanwhile, Dave had been smitten from the start. He had immediately envisioned a happy future with her. If only Lucy had widened her horizons, then she might have seen that Dave was a far better match for her.

Still, there was something about Lucy being a human, and Dave being a gibberish-speaking unicellular minion, that came in the way of any possible relationship between them.

After the wedding, something inside him just clicked. Like that evil purple serum, only more evil. It was the feeling that he had lost everything, that he had nothing more important to lose, and that he would do anything, absolutely anything, to get her love. Even if it meant betraying the boss who had cared for him. Even if it meant even worse...

As the saying goes: All is fair in love and war.

Gru does not seem to be able to do anything on his own ("the impotent twat!" thought Dave) so he brought a few minions with him on his honeymoon. Luckily, he brought Dave. On their wedding night, Gru instructed his minions to stand guard outside the suite to ensure that nobody came to disturb them. Naturally, with Gru being an ex-villain and Lucy being a secret agent, with a good share of enemies between them, the hazard of unwanted visitors was very likely.

Mischievous as they were, the minions knew enough to respect their boss' privacy and need for peace on this special night, so they did just that.

But not Dave. He had other plans (love tends to do that to people or to, in this case, minions). And he came to the honeymoon well-prepared. Surreptitiously he took out an AV recording bug that he had smuggled out of Gru's laboratory. It was a fairly obsolete, but no less useful, piece of technology that Dr. Nefario had invented on a lazy night. No bigger than an ant and capable of flight, it was the perfect tool to secretly record the goings-on on the marital bed.

Dave let the bug loose into the room via the space beneath the door, then directed its motion using a remote control. As his fellow minions were already tired and sleepy from a day-long party, they weren't alert to what Dave was doing. Perfect, thought he. He perched the bug atop the headrest, then watched and listened.

Lucy was giggling. (Dave blushed. Oh, how her voice gave him the fuzzies!) She was a bit flushed in the face, evidently from at least a couple of drinks. The spaghetti strap of her white negligee hung precariously from the edge of her left shoulder. Her red hair was unkempt. Still, Dave thought she was the loveliest creature she had ever seen.

And then, Gru came into view. He had already disrobed, save for a small towel that barely hid his crotch area. Dave had to suppress his gag reflex to keep himself from barfing. No wonder Gru insisted on wearing full body clothing even when the climate was hot. He was flabbier and saggier than a partially deflated Mizhelin mascot balloon.

Lucy sat herself on the edge of the bed. Gru grinned. He knelt before her and, taking her hand in his, asked, "My dear Lucy, why do you love me so?" (Dave had the same question.)

"Oh, Gru," she giggled, "haven't I already told you, like, a hundred times and fourteen times?"

"I want to hear it again."

"Well, okay." She smiled. "I love your voice, especially your accent. It reminds me of Arnold Swazinigger. It's so sexy. And I love your bald head. I just love running my hand over it. It's so smooth and oily, like the head of Buddha, which is a big plus to me since I'm Buddhist. But, above all, do you know what I love most about you?"

"Come on, say it."

Suddenly, like a tigress, Lucy sprang from the bed and tackled Gru down the floor. "Your smell! Oh, it's so intoxicating! Oh! It drives me so wild, aaaahhh! Especially down here. Oohhh! And your cute little peepee, I love it too, mmm..."

Dave permitted himself to throw up at this point.

They returned home a couple of weeks later. Gru and Lucy were exhausted, but apparently very satisfied. So were the minions who were brought along on the trip. Dave was the only unhappy minion after the honeymoon, though he did his best to not show it.

Nonetheless, despite the heartbreak and the disgust, he came away with very important information that was crucial for his mission.

(to be continued)