A special ChristmAss Epi for my pre-reader, Lolo, and my beta, Capricorn. I love and adore you girls!
Thank you to both CrackedFic and Hadley Hemingway for helping me with this one. I appreciate it so very much xo
Christmas is a lot like anal sex. It's better to give than to receive
I have a confession to make. I'm not exactly the most romantic guy. I mean, I'm the guy who proposed to my wife by way of a "knock, knock" joke. Birthdays and Christmas I fail with the gift giving. When "Bloody Hell" tampons were being prototyped, I gave Bella a box for her birthday. It went over like a fart in church. The year I bought her a membership to Weight Watchers for Christmas, I slept on the couch for a week. In my defense, she was frequently asking "Do I look fat in this?" so I thought if she lost a few pounds she'd feel better about herself. You see where I was coming from? Yeah, she didn't.
But, damn it, this Christmas was going to be different. This year I was going to find Bella the perfect gift. Something romantic, sexy perhaps. I wanted to give her the unexpected - but what?
Once again I procrastinated and found myself wandering aimlessly around the mall on Christmas Eve. Inspiration struck as I walked past the display window of Victoria's Secret. The headless model (and how creepy weird is that?) was wearing a silky red Santa outfit and very little else. Countless times Bella had bought lingerie to surprise me with, but I'd never reciprocated. I was about to rectify that.
Unfortunately, Victoria's Secret had nothing in my size. Damn.
I found myself in Target, where I purchased a traditional red and white fur trimmed Santa hat. I also bought a smaller one, intended for topping a wine bottle except I had a special plan for that one. Heh, heh. I'm sure you can guess where it would be going.
Why stop at sexy wear for myself? There was another idea for Bella in the far reaches of my mind. The idea brewing would be the epitome of unexpected. It was so wild, so crazy, there was no doubt we'd both wind up on Santa's naughty list.
I was going to let Bella peg me.
Totally bat-shit crazy, right?
It would certainly shock the hell out of her. Not to mention offering up my ass was atonement for all previous, and future, shitty gifts. A little ass play was totally worth it.
As I left the mall, I called my little brother for advice. I could have asked my dad, who, as you know, was always a wealth of information on all things anal, but I couldn't bring myself to call him. Besides, Jake also had firsthand experience and advice to give. And trust me, he was more than happy to oblige. A little too happy, in my opinion. He's a lot like our Dad, apparently. Anyway, Jake reassured me I wouldn't die from a little back-door play and might even enjoy myself. I wasn't convinced of that, but I was willing to give it a try – you know, for Bella.
After talking to Jake, I had another stop to make on my way home – a sex shop. Pulling my ball cap low to conceal my identity, I entered through the back door. Snort! That's what she said. I bought everything I needed and made it in and out, heh heh, in thirty minutes. All I had to do when I got home was make a minor modification to the strap-on I'd purchased.
That night, Bella and I hosted Christmas Eve dinner for my family. The annual event was a gong show with my parents, Rosalie, Emmett and their five rambunctious boys in attendance. Jasper, now fire chief, and Alice, a nurse, were both working the night shift, but we had plans to meet up the following afternoon. Though we had a feast, I ate very little. Partly due to nerves but also to avoid having to, uh … void later. That would certainly … complicate matters.
Around ten-thirty Rose, Emmett and their demons, I mean boys, left. My parents were staying overnight in the downstairs guest room so they didn't have to travel home on the icy roads. After they retired for the night, I went up to bed. I asked Bella to give me a few minutes before she came upstairs so I could get my surprise gift ready.
In our room, I dimmed the lights, lit candles, and put on romantic music. On the bedside table I set out the strap-on, and lube – lots and lots and lots of lube. I also grabbed the handcuffs from our "special" drawer. They were the Chief's, bequeathed to Bella after he died. And no, they weren't for kink factor … this time. I was going to have Bella handcuff me to the bed so I wouldn't chicken out. And, if I stayed conscious, I was pretty sure it was going to be an epic Christmas. Epic!
With the room ready, I stripped naked, put the regular sized Santa hat on my head and went to put the wine bottle topper hat on my cock. It was too small – you know it, baby – so I took some scissors and cut it a bit. That worked - it slid right into place, then immediately fell off. What the hell? I put it on again and it slipped off a second time.
I went into the bathroom and found an elastic band, and secured the hat to my…YOW! Never mind that it hurt, I was worried about permanent damage.
Well, shit. What was I going to do? Sure, the Santa hat on my cock wasn't mandatory, but it added a little … je ne c'est quoi, ya know? If only it would stay on.
I scratched my head – my actual head – because I was thinking. And then I got it.
A Santa hat wasn't going to stay on a flaccid penis; I needed to work up to that. I'm not gonna lie - I'm pretty proficient at "working up" to that - years of practice. I wasted no time. Ta-da! Just like that, the hat stayed on. Go me. Perfect timing because Bella quietly knocked on the door.
I stood in the center of the room with my hands on my hips and both Santa hats firmly in place. I took a deep breath.
"I'm ready, come on in."
Bella entered and I shook my Santa hat-covered cock at her. Trust me, I made it look sexy as fuck.
"What's all this? Candles, soft music…" She walked over to the bedside table. "Why are there," she quietly counted, "five bottles of lube? And a strap-on?"
I grinned. "I'm going to let you peg me, baby."
Bella's eyes went wide. "Wh-what?!"
"Uh huh. You once said there was one thing we hadn't done and that's it. I want to do that with you. I mean, have you do that to me."
"I do? I mean, yes, I do."
"So, why did you cut the cock off this?" She held up the strap-on and smirked.
"I didn't cut it all off. I cut some of it off. Okay, most of it. But in my defense, it was like a twelve-inch cock. I just cut it down to size."
"Half an inch is down to size?"
I grinned sheepishly. "I need to ease into something like this."
'Ease in' was definitely wishful thinking.
"Are you sure about this?"
"So, uh, how do we do this?" Bella toyed with the modified strap-on as she asked.
"Well, I called Jake. He said it's probably better if I'm on my stomach. You just have to strap that on, lube up, put some lube on my ass, and guide yourself in. Jake said it should be easy."
Bella snorted. "Says your gay brother who's been having butt sex for years."
I shrugged. "That's what he said."
"Why the cuffs?"
"You need to handcuff me to the bed so I can't chicken out."
"Are you sure about this?" Bella gave me a pointed look. I nodded.
"My ass is my gift to you." I spanked it for added effect. Again, totally hot.
"Okay, then. Let's do it."
Her enthusiasm was a little disconcerting.
After I situated myself on the bed, Bella handcuffed me to the headboard. The click when she fastened the strap-on in place made me jump. When she popped the lid on the bottle of lube I started to re-think the whole "my ass is my gift to you."
Bella dripped lube on my butt crack.
Oh fuckity fuck fuck fuck!
Oh my God. She was actually going to go through with it. Why didn't I just give her tampons again?!
Okay, I admit, I kind of expected her to not want to peg me. I thought she'd see through the façade that I wanted to do this. It was supposed to be one of those "it's the thought that counts" gifts. She wasn't actually supposed to take me up on it! Did she not know me at all? What the fuck!
I started sweating. Like, profusely. I squeezed my eyes shut thinking that would help. It didn't. The image behind my lids was not pretty.
I gave myself a pep talk.
Edward, you'll be fine. It's a small dildo up your ass. Dad does it. Jake does it all the time. It's not a big deal.
Fuck that shit. It was a very big deal. It's a DILDO up your ASSHOLE, Edward.
What if I passed out? Would Bella peg me while I was out cold? Would that be better or worse?
I was going to die. A slow, and very, very, very painful death.
I was scared shitless … literally.
First, I started hyperventilating and then I started crying.
"Bella! Stop! Please, stop! I can't do this! It hurts so bad. Oh my God, you have no idea! This is horrible! Ow! Ow! Ow! Please, don't! Oh. My. God! Noooooooooooooooo! I'll do anything but this! Please! Oh God, please!"
I was writhing on the bed in agony.
"Edward, I haven't even touched you yet."
"What?" I whipped my head around and saw Bella, still fully dressed, and grinning from ear to ear.
"Nope. Haven't laid a finger on you. Look, you don't want to do this as much as I don't want to do this."
"You – you don't want my ass?" I pouted.
Bella laughed. "Don't look so disappointed."
"No, it's just-"
Did you remember my parents were spending the night? Yeah, well, like a dumb ass I forgot. I remembered when they both barged into our bedroom.
"Is everything okay? We heard a woman screaming ... oh … uh… uh," Mom stuttered, then stopped talking abruptly. "Edward, awww." She smiled.
"Ma! Get out!" My ass cheeks were blushing.
"It's nothing we haven't seen before."
Bella quickly shooed them out of the room. "You should go. We're fine."
Dad paused in the doorway. "Son, can I say how proud I am of you right now?"
"Now's probably not the time." Bella coaxed them out.
"Remember, dear, if you relax it's a much more enjoyable ex-"
Bella sat down on the bed next to me.
"Well, that certainly ranks up there with 'MasturGate' and the 'Hyundai Hump.' "
"We can refer to it as the 'Pegging Predicament,' " Bella suggested with a laugh.
"Or the 'ChristmASS Catastrophe,' " I offered.
"Failed Fornication: Backdoor Edition."
We both dissolved into laughter - her more than I.
"Bella, I'm sorry. I really wanted your gift to be different this year. Something exciting."
"You know what would be exciting? Having sex on the beach in Fiji."
"Well, fuck. That's a hell of a better idea than pegging." If my hands weren't cuffed, I would have smacked my palm on my forehead.
"You don't say?"
"Can you grab the keys and un-cuff me?" I asked. My wrists were starting to get sore. And, in all honesty, I felt a tad vulnerable in the current position.
"Sure. Where are they?"
"On the bedside table."
Bella moved the bottles of lube out of the way.
"I don't see them."
"Check the floor. Maybe they fell."
She got on her hands and knees which would've been hot, but I wasn't in the mood anymore.
"Sorry, Edward. Nothing here."
"Under the bed?"
She continued to look for a few more minutes to no avail.
"Go get a hacksaw, and saw through the headboard."
"Edward, it's wrought iron."
"Cut my hands off, then! I'll figure out another way to jerk off later."
"I'm not cutting your hands off. Maybe I should call the fire department."
"No! You can't call the fire department. Jazz is on shift. If he sees me like this, I'll be the butt, pun intended, of jokes for decades to come. No! They have to be there." I tried to keep the panic from my voice but, yeah, I was in full-on panic mode.
"This is your Dad's final 'fuck you, Edward,' I know it. The ghost of Charlie Swan hid those friggin' keys." I groaned.
Though I begged and pleaded profusely and even offered to let her go through with the pegging, Bella picked up the phone and dialed 9-1-1….
You really don't need to know the specifics
But, trust me, my brother's jokes were prolific
He snorted and snickered
And I wasn't in a position to dicker
Once again I took it in the ass
From my brother who lacks class
Eventually, when I was freed from the cuffs
I sauntered over to Jasper, still in the buff
I clocked him right in the jaw
That shut up his stupid gaffaw
He fell to the ground with a thump
And Bella gave me a fist pump
My final word on a dildo up your butt:
Don't try it, just read about that smut.