Hello there! Thank you for stopping by! There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.

This was my first attempt at writing anything other a flashfic and all those essays I wrote in high school with my friends google and Wikipedia.

It came 3rd in the Public Vote for the Make Me Laugh Contest! Thank to everyone who read and voted. Y'all made my life.

M for My mother wouldn't approve of the naughty words.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight saga; otherwise I would be a lady of leisure. Please note, chat up lines don't usually work. Trust me I've tried.


After a long week, all I needed was a drink and my bed. The drink section of the night was underway. I was on my second drink, and my best friend, Alice, was half way through her list of 'Reasons Why Bella Needs to Get Laid'.

"There's a hot young thing trying to get your attention," Alice said, looking over my shoulder. "Scratch that. He's a delicious young man, and he's right-"

"Does he want me to buy him a drink because he's underage, Alice?"

"No. I would simply like to buy a drink for a beautiful lady," came a voice from behind me, the-Ryan-Gosling-without-a-shirt-of-voices. "And I promise I'm of the legal age. Not just to buy you drinks but to do a plethora of other things as well." He winked at me, and all I could think was how his head would look between my legs. Shit. Stop it, Bella. Having my dad bail me out of jail for doing unspeakable things to a minor was not how I wanted to spend Christmas.

"I was going to come over and give you a really bad pick up line; then I realized how atrocious it actually was, so I'm just going to order you another Mojito." I wanted this guy to get me a Screaming Orgasm. Multiple Screaming Orgasms.

"I'm Alice, and this is Bella, who has lost the ability to do anything but gawk." Fucking Alice, her words pulled me out of my green-eyed-boy trance. I want to lick him up and down and tie him to my bed and…

"Bella, the gawker, would you like to dance?" he asked, offering his hand and a smile that wouldn't be out of place in a Colgate commercial. Alice, the evil bitch, all but pushed me off my bar stool and into the firm chest of this boy. Holy Zac Efron! Well played, puberty. Well played. "I'm Edward Cullen, by the way; I like my women to know my name before they feel up my chest."


I was on my couch in a panda onesie, low crotch, tail, ears and all. Jerry Springer had just cut to commercial - the guy with the tattooed forehead and six kids with four different women was definitely the father. While I was considering how many sane women actually walk down the street whipping their hair everywhere and what fairy dust was in this bottle of L'Oreal making this woman's hair glow, my phone vibrated.

Good Morning, Bella. I hope we're still on for our date, despite your agreement laced with sarcasm and four drinks. I'll pick you up at 7 – Edward 'jailbait' from the bar x

All thoughts of unrealistic glowing hair went out the window, and I was calling Alice.

"I have a date," I sighed, slightly panicked.

"Hi, Alice. How are you? Gee, Bella thanks for asking. I'm great. Glad you got home safely," Alice mocked down the line.

"Hilarious, how are you then?"

"Oh, I'm fine, just messing with you, I can't help myself when you sound so distressed. So a date, huh?"

"Yeah, that man-boy from the bar last night. Somewhere between calling him jailbait, my 4th drink, and feeling up his freaking sculpted chest he managed to get my number, and we have a date tonight."

"I remember him. You put some change on the bar and said, 'Go phone your mom and tell her you won't be coming home tonight,' and you gave him your number while doing a sexy Christine Baranski rendition of 'Does Your Mother Know' while we waited for a cab. It's great that you're finally listening to me. Maybe you'll only end up with 3 cats instead of the original nursery of 26."

"Fuck off, Alice. It's a clowder of cats. And seriously, did you see him yesterday? He's hot, spicy Indian take-out, and I'm a bowl of oatmeal. Without any sugar or honey to get rid of that cardboard taste."

"Seriously, Bella, how do you come up with this shit? You're only 34 and still a hot spice. Now put on a pair of heels and a top that makes your rack motorboat-able and go– Bella is on the prowl."

"I do not appreciate the cougar reference. I'm still a few years shy of 40, bitch. What do I do?! What are we going to talk about? Do I listen to Justin Bieber? Watch MTV Cribs?"

"Bella, you have a date with a man in his 20's, not a 16 year old girl." With that, Alice hung up.

Shit, I have a date. I should just open the door dressed like a panda and send him running.


There was a knock on the door at exactly 7. I gave my reflection one last glance-skinny jeans, chiffon blouse, and a pair of heels that hurt. The higher the heel the closer to God, and all that jazz. I opened the door to be greeted by another one of Edward's smiles, teeth straight and white like that Taylor Lautner kid. Snap out of it! This is not the time for jailbait fantasies-New Moon edition. Seriously, that man-boy had a perfect smile, but the other man-boy on my doorstep was a close second. He was wearing a crisp shirt tucked into jeans with a blazer thrown on top. On his feet were a pair of Chucks. I was slightly jealous of his feet, no matter how pretty these shoes were, they we're freaking uncomfortable.

"You look beautiful, Bella. Are you ready?" I smiled, grabbed my purse, and tried to surreptitiously smell him as we walked to his car. He opened the door to the passenger side of his car. "It's Dior Homme." He winked at me before closing my door and walking around to his side.

Subtlety, thy name is Bella.

The final chords of a beautiful classical music piece came to an end, merging into Andy Samberg's equally beautiful voice.

'Lock eyes from across the room

Down my drink while the rhythms boom

Take your hand and skip the names…'

"Interesting music taste." I couldn't help but giggle at 'Jizz in My Pants'.

"Thanks. You can change it if you want. My iPod has a ton of random shit," he said, turning a little red. Poor boy. I took a deep breath, now scared that the iPod could potentially be home to some One Direction and that shaved head guy with the screaming music. Get a grip, Bella. He's not a teenager…

"So, Edward, how old are you?" I closed my eyes, scared for the answer. Please don't be twenty. Please don't be twenty. Please don't be twenty.

I heard a snort and opened my eyes to see his green ones staring right back at me, shining with mirth. "I'm 26, Bella. I have a job, an apartment, and a car. I'm also slightly flattered that you think I look young enough to be jailbait."

I am never getting drunk again.

The car stopped and Edward opened my door. I reached out for his hand which he didn't let go of until we were seated on the terrace of a quaint little Moroccan restaurant.

"Have you ever tried Moroccan food before?" he asked.

"Alice and I usually go to this Lebanese place near where I work. If it's anything similar I'm sure I'll love it. We've been belly dancing before though."

Foot meet mouth.

Edward's eyes zeroed in on my chest, leading to me smile and clear my throat. "Ahh, ahem, the food, yes. It's similar, very, definitely similar." I made the poor boy nervous for checking out my goods. Maybe I do still have it…

"After I saw you at the bar, I honestly didn't think I'd convince you to go on a date with me, considering the god awful pick-up lines going through my head."

"Do share."

"Oh, hell no. I can't tell you. We haven't even ordered yet. You may just do a runner when you hear them."

"Please, Edward. Firstly, I can just about walk in these shoes, and secondly, I live for bad jokes and cheesy pick-up lines."

"I have so many it's embarrassing. In college my friends and I used to dare each other to go up to girls way out of our league and hand out the most embarrassing one-liners like, 'Excuse me, but I think I dropped something. My jaw.'" I let out a very lady-like snort.

"And which one would you have used on me then?" I asked. Edward's ears turned red, and he took large sip of his wine.

"I don't know. The least cringe worthy one maybe? Is it hot in here or is it just you? I'm so glad I didn't use that. Your friend would add 'delusional' to her very kind 'hot young thing' description of me."

I couldn't help but laugh at him, he was so adorable. He had a pained expression on his face, obviously flustered from sharing his attempt to get my attention.

"Oh please, Edward. You don't know anything about bad pick-up lines. Here, do you have a sunburn, or are you always this hot?"

We ate, we drank, and we got to know each other. Edward Cullen was 26, currently doing his residency. His parents, Edward Senior, a doctor and Esme, a director of a women's charity, divorced when he was a teenager. His mother then married Carlisle Masen, a corporate lawyer with whom she had two daughters. Doctor, philanthropist, and lawyer. The 'winning at everything in life' gene didn't fall far from the tree, did it then?

"Sophie and Kate are twins. They just turned ten, so everything is pink, sparkly and has Justin Bieber's face on it. Once I fell asleep on the couch and woke up to a Hello Kitty tattoo on the back of my hand and my ringtone changed to 'Boyfriend'. My friends haven't let me live that down yet."

Don't think about the fact that his sisters could easily be your kids. Stop it… Stop it…

"What about you, elusive Bella?"

"I've always loved art. I studied mechanical engineering and now work in R&D. I take the stuff independent entrepreneurs come up with, sketch it out, and work out the mechanics of it all. My parents divorced when I was four. My dad recently remarried, and my mother became a modern day Cleopatra, sleeping and dating her way through whichever town she's living in. And I'mthirtyfour." I rambled on but made sure I mumbled the last bit, stuffing a Joey-sized portion of lamb couscous into my mouth.

"Wow, that sounds amazing. I didn't quite catch the last thing you said." He said trying to hold in a laugh. Bastard.

"I'm 34. There, I said it. I'm old and withered. Old enough to be your sister's mom, half-way to collecting my pension, and getting free travel on public transport," I blabbed, taking a fat-Monica-sized piece of pitta and hummus. Why do you open your mouth Bella? Did you learn nothing from last night's word vomit? Edward was still smiling at me, this time his perfect pearly whites on display.

"What am I going to with you, Bella?" he asked, leaning forward. Love me and let me memorize the contours of your abs and the curve of your… "You're only 8 years older than me, and 34 is not old. Not that you look 34 at all. Plus, you're hot. Smoking hot." He smiled unapologetically, but then the know-it-all look faded as soon as it appeared. "Not that I'm objectifying you! You're beautiful and successful and have nice and shiny hair and smile, and you're apartment looks nice from what I saw and…" I stopped his adorable ramblings leaning over to kiss him.

"I like you, Edward. You know how to boost my ego. I think I'll have to keep you around." I winked at him.

"Bella."

"Yes, Edward?"

"Did the sun come up, or did you just smile at me?"


I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Literally, my head was on his rock hard abs and there was a very hard situation pathetically hidden by my white bed sheet. His arm was wrapped around me, locking me in place. I tried to nudge him, but the beast of his arm wouldn't freaking budge. So I went with the next best option and ran my fingers up and down his length, causing him to stir and slowly open his eyes while loosening his hold on me. With that, I ninja'd out of bed and into the bathroom, leaving a confused, befuddled Edward staring at my buck-naked ass as it disappeared behind the door.

After brushing and throwing on a robe, I walked back out to see Edward sitting up against the headboard on his phone, the pathetic white sheet still doing a pathetic job. While he was engrossed in whatever it was on his phone, I got a chance to fully admire this man in my bed.

He looked up and locked eyes with mine, giving me the 'I caught you checking me out' smirk. A blush crept up my neck. Well then, two can play at this game. I huffed and went to my cupboard, took out a pair of lacy boy shorts, slowly pulled them up my legs and did a little shimmy when they reached my ass. After throwing on a t-shirt, I then turned to him and said, "I'm going to make breakfast." And with that I stalked out of the room.

I heard water running while I put some bagels into the toaster. Who the hell has time to be making pancakes and waffles in the morning, regardless of how many orgasms he gave me last night? Edward walked into the kitchen in nothing but his black boxers. The toaster pinged behind me, but I just stood there - cream cheese in hand, staring. I'm really living up to the 'Bella, the gawker' title aren't I?

"Look at you!" I said, pointing at his chest with the butter knife. "You have more six packs than my dad's cupboard devoted to beer!" He blushed and looked at me wielding a butter knife at his torso and laughed.

"I used to have the body of a pubescent Sheldon Cooper. My friend, Emmett, is a gym buff, and he got me into working out. And you're one to talk," he said, eyeing me from top to toe.

"I do Pilates and yoga and avoid diving head first into pizza and Ben & Jerry's to stop looking like Mrs. Blob."

Edward closed his eyes and had a devious grin on his face.

"Why are you smiling?"

"The image in my head is hot."

"What? A fat Bella wearing an extra-large 'Eaters Anonymous' t-shirt and wiping ice cream off her third chin while she eats her feelings?"

He made a pained face. "No, actually, the idea of you in those stretchy pants women exercise in is hot. And then I thought of you and ice cream. More specifically you on the table and me eating ice cream and you simultaneously."

"Fuck, there you go being all smooth-operator Cullen again. I bet you and Emmett spend your gym time checking out everyone else's firm gravity-defying asses" I turned around to pull out the bagels from the toaster. Just then, I felt Edward behind me, more specifically his hands grabbing my ass cheeks.

"I love this." He slapped my ass and then moved his hand up and tapped the side of my head. "I worry about what happens in here, but this..." His hands trailed down my sides again. "I freaking love this. In fact, how about I just show it some appreciation."


If I thought pre-first-date jitters were bad, going to meet his friends for the first time was worse.

"Alice, he wants me to meet his friends. I bet they're all young and cool with Instagram pictures of fancy Starbucks coffee and their ombre nails and their stupid dip dyed hair."

"I'm great, thanks for asking. Well actually, I'm mortified. This morning I answered the phone thinking it was Jasper, went into explicit details about what I wanted to do him when he got home. Turns out it was his dad calling to say Jasper left his phone at their house."

"Holy crap, Alice. That's hilarious. By details you mean?"

"By details I mean, I should have written down what I said and published it as erotica. Urgh, anyway, how's your Junior Doctor?"

"He's fine. I'm scared out of my mind. What if his friends don't like me? What if they think I'm old and boring? Should I change out of my work clothes?"

"They'll love you. Just wear a snapback and a shirt that says YOLO, and greet all his friends by saying 's'up homie,' and you'll fit right in."

"Thanks, Alice. I forgot his friends were Eminem and Snoop Dog. I hope you and Papa Whitlock end up sitting next to each other at Sunday dinner and enjoy the awkwardness to the absolute maximum."

"I hope you find more wrinkles when you look at your face tomorrow morning." And with that she hung up.

A minute later Edward walked in sans shirt, looking lickable. This guy needs to walk around with a warning for his hotness. Evidently the filter between my brain and mouth was still buffering as I gave Edward a small nod and said, "What up, dawg?" Oh god, do you never learn, Bella?

"Are you trying to act like someone my age? Because I'm not Wiz Khalifa, and my friend Rose-her name is short for Rosalie not Amber Rose."

I scowled at him and reminded myself to Google this Wiz Khalifa boy. And find out whether his parents were druggies to name him Wiz?

Meeting Edward's friends went well. They were normal people, not the cast of The Real World I had imagined. And let's be honest, I had nothing but respect for Emmett for turning Edward's 'prepubescent Sheldon Cooper' body into freaking Captain America.


Three months after our first date, after countless flirtatious texts and sex against every surface of my apartment, Edward gave me a fish bowl with a little Dory-esque fish and said, 'Hey, sugar-momma, you're the only fish in the sea for me. Will you be my girlfriend?' I punched him and said yes. Now he wanted to officially introduce his girlfriend to his parents.

"Alice, he wants me to meet his parents."

"Hi Alice, how are you? Thanks for asking, Bella. I'm actually not okay. My boyfriend wants me to dress up and go to Comic Con with him," she retorted.

"Oh boo-fucking-hoo. It's the least you can do for Jasper. What does he want? The gold bikini girl with cinnamon swirls on the side of her head?"

"Princess Leia? Oh, I wish. Knowing Jasper he'll want to go as Dr. Who, and he'll make me follow him around dressed like a Tardis."

"Puh-lease. My money's on Catwoman or Scarlett Johansson from The Avengers, all cleavage and leather."

"I'm sure all the Howard Wolowitz's will love that. Anyway, why are you freaking out about meeting toy-boy's parents?"

"He wants to go and stay there for the long weekend. I'll have nowhere to run when his mother realizes that I'm robbing her only son of his innocence!"

"You'll be fine."

"We're sleeping in his childhood bedroom. I bet he still has Star Trek sheets. Can you imagine riding him and seeing Han Solo staring back. I mean, if it was Chris Pine's face then I might not mind. But Chewbacca or Darth Vader with the helmet - I'm not into that kinky mask shit."

"I don't think Darth Vader always wears the mask to engage in spontaneous BDSM, and you're mixing Star Wars and Star Trek, your boy toy would not approve."

"Don't call him that!"

"Calm your tits, you'll be fine. Don't flirt with his dad. Dress conservatively, but don't wear a frumpy cardigan to really show your age." And I hung up on her. Some help she was.


I stood outside this beautiful house praying that Esme Masen wasn't a Jane Fonda of a 'Monster-in-Law'. Now is not the time to think of crazy in-laws. And you wish you had J-Lo's ass. I took a deep breath and got out of the car, running my hands down my chiffon blouse, as if it would iron away any creases. Idiot.

"Bella?" Edward's voice snapped me out of my trance. "Are you Willy Wonka's daughter? 'Cause you look sweet and delicious." I slapped him on the arm, appreciating his attempt to get me to calm the fuck down.

Two girls came running down the stairs that led to my impending doom and into Edward's arms.

"Edwardddd! Daddy is taking us to see Justin Bieber!" He reached down and picked up one girl in each arm. Holy biceps. It was like pictures of Chris Hemsworth walking around with his baby. You couldn't help but drool. Gah! Stop staring at his muscles and acknowledge the Beliebers.

"Kate, Sophie, meet my girlfriend, Bella. Bella, these two hellions are Kate and Sophie Masen."

"Hi, girls." I waved. It was more of a one handed, limp lettuce of a wave because I was still checking out their older brother. And by checking out I meant thinking of ways to get this man to impregnate me.

"She's weird."

"She's pretty."

"Yeah, she's pretty weird but I lo… really like her," Edward joked, but I caught that slip. Lo… Love? He was going to say love. Holy shit, I can't… My crazed thoughts were interrupted by a voice from the front door.

"Girls, let Edward come in." Looking at her, I could only assume that she was Charlize Theron's older sister, not a mother of a 26-year-old. Why are they all so freaking good looking? Do a public service and share these crème de la crème of genes, please. If you're not feeling altruistic you could charge and fix the national debt.

We followed the girls up the stairs that led to the main door. Edward's hand at the small of back was the only thing stopping me from tumbling down the stairs in my Jane Fonda and the 'L' word haze.

"Hey, Bella. Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?" I love this man and his stock of bad one-liners ready to make me feel better. Crap. I do love him. And there I go throwing the 'L' word around.

Esme Masen was a beautiful woman, with a house and husband to match. Carlisle Masen, Edward's step-father was hot. Hot-hot. So hot that you have to change the spelling and say Hawwwttt. And then add in a profanity for emphasis.

We sat around the table which has a light lunch spread, getting to know each other. The twins struggled to understand how I was indifferent to Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez breaking up, and Carlisle seemed genuinely interested in what I did.

Jane Fonda, I mean Esme, was silent.

"So, Edward tells me you're a little older than him," Esme finally said. I swear she could see right through me, knowing how I defiled her son on every vaguely sturdy surface of my apartment. And that one time in the car and twice in the on-call room.

"Yes, ma'am. I'm 34."

"Hmmm…"

"Es, don't be a hypocrite. That's only three years more than us, and look how happy we are." Honest to God, I could kiss this Rob Lowe of a man. That seemed to take Esme down a notch.

"Edward, why did Daddy call Mommy a hippo?" With that, the awkwardness of Esme-gate had ended, and I went back to devouring mini salmon blinis like popcorn.

The rest of the meal passed relatively smoothly with Esme slowly warming to me. By 10pm it was just Edward and I getting ready for bed in his childhood bedroom. And no, there weren't any Star Wars or Trek sheets or Battlestar Galactica memorabilia for that matter.

"Your sisters are really sweet and your mom was so lovely after she realized that I wasn't some sugar momma coming to rob her son of his innocence," I joked. Edward's face grew serious. Abort jokes about the monster-in-law. I repeat: Abort.

He pushed a strand of hair off the side of my face. "I love you, Bella. It semi-slipped out before, but it's true. I love you." He stared at me, waiting for some sort of response while I just stared back like he just told me he was secretly a woman with an extreme couponing addiction. Shit. Bella, say something. Make words come out of your mouth. Tell him you love him. Say 'I love you too, and I want to have little doctor babies with you and spend my life tracing the contours of your torso with my tongue'.

His face lit up, and he leaned forward to kiss me. Shit, I must have said that out loud. Hell, it didn't matter. I loved him, and he was making me lose my stream of coherent thoughts with this kiss. I gently pushed him back, reminding him that his mother didn't need to hear me scream out his name and more profanities than all of Pulp Fiction. Neither did his sisters. The memories of their Belieber days would be enough to scar their teenage years; we didn't need to add to the list.

Edward kissed his way up my arm, reaching the column of my neck. "Will you still need me, will you still feed me when I'm sixty-four?" he sang in my ear, placing a hot kiss just below.

"You know I'll probably be six feet under. Or in a care home while you're out with a hot, young girl with perky tits from the gym. I've seen your dad, Edward"

"Please, Carlisle isn't my biological dad - that doesn't even make sense."

"You have pictures of Edward Senior in your apartment, and let me tell you, that man is hot. He's got that whole Kevin Costner, John Stamos, Liam Neeson thing about him that's just yum."

"Yum?"

"Yes, yum. The rest of the words I'd use would probably creep you out, because I think your dad and Carlisle are hot as faaak."

"Oh god, I tell you I love you, without the aid of a cheesy pick-up, and you tell me how hot you think my dad and step dad are? What do I do with you?" He pouted, and I kissed his stuck out lip and then pulled back, looking into sparkling eyes.

"Edward, my love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in."

"Let's leave the bad chat up lines to me." He groaned, reaching over to turn the light off. "Goodnight, Bella. I love you."

"Sweet dreams, Edward. I love you too."

"Rest your legs now, Bella. They must be tired from running through my mind all day."


Apparently my mother could tell by my voice that I'd 'finally got some' since I didn't sound so 'damn PMS-y all the time'. Ouch. And now she insisted on coming to meet me and the new man in my life.

"Now that you've got a taste for older women, when you get bored of Bella, you call me alright?" she said nonchalantly as if we were discussing the weather or the ridiculousness of calling your child North West.

"MOM!" I shouted while Edward nearly choked on his drink.

"What? He's cute. I could teach him a thing or two, and I bet his stamina is incredible."

"Okaaaay, now that you've seen him, Edward has to go to work. Lives to save and all – he hasn't got time for his puma-girlfriend's crazy cougar-mother."


"Hey, Alice. How are you?" I was met by silence. I checked my phone to see if the call had actually connected.

"Wow, Bella. This must be serious. Pleasantries before a conversation. Whatever is the matter with you?"

"Shut up. Seriously, how are you?"

"I'm good. We're settled into our new place; Jasper's brother got an eyeful of all my goods when we christened the living room floor instead of unpacking or locking the door." I couldn't help but laugh at her misfortune.

"Just Mama Whitlock left to corrupt with your whorish tendencies then?"

"Oh, no. She's crossed off my list too. I can't look her in the eye for at least a month. She texted me asking if I wanted a trifle or small vanilla centered pastries, and I replied saying Jasper and I prefer small pussies. What next? I send his great uncle pictures of me dressed up as a French maid? Anyway, what's up with you then?"

"I think Edward might propose."

"How do you know?"

"I found the ring."


I knew Edward had a ring. I was just waiting for him to propose any day now. In the meantime, I was driving myself crazy. I felt my biological clock ticking like the annoying-ass alligator in Peter Pan. I should get Botox, right? I mean, these wedding pictures were going to be around for a while, and I couldn't exactly click 'Report Abuse' on every non-photoshopped picture on Facebook. I felt sick. Was I pregnant? Good Lord, what if it's menopause? Get a grip Bella. What if he found someone else with not an inch to pinch, and I'm left here with all this flab to grab? Jeez, woman, become a goddamn poet. Marriage was the right step for us. I loved him, he loved me, and the added perks of wearing matching rings meant people would stop thinking I was his hot aunt.

I was ready, he would ask, I would say yes, and we'd have our happily ever after. I had gotten over my aversion to committing myself to my very own Jordan Catalano.


Any plans for tonight? Shall I grab some Chinese? We can watch Scarface, and then I'll let you say hello to my little friend - E

He didn't seem that little last night – B

I'll let you guys get reacquainted later, and we'll see how big he really is – E

"In his country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the woman. That's why you gotta make your own moves." It was official. Al Pacino was added to my list of 'Yum'.

"So, did my moves get me my woman then?" Edward said, kissing up the column of my neck. All Tony Montana fantasies left the building as I ran my hands through Edward's hair, pulling him for a kiss.

"Oh, yes. How about you show me some more of those moves." I winked at him. He pulled back, and I fumbled for the remote to turn off the TV, looking back to see Edward down on one knee smiling up me. Holy Tony Montana.

"The first time I saw you I should have come up to you and said, 'We would look cute on a wedding cake together,' because we will. And then I can tell every guy out there to not give up on cheesy pick-up lines. Bella, I will still love you when I'm sixty four. You'll be my hot, older woman. You'll have wrinkles and grey hair because I know the mixture of my good-looking and your crazy genes will create hellions who will drive us up the wall, but I don't want it any differently. I love you so much, Bella. My love for you is like the energizer bunny. It keeps going and going, and I would rearrange the alphabet and put U and I together. Will you marry me?" I loved this man so much. For my birthday he made me a treasure hunt around the house. Each clue has an awful pick-up line and a present. One of them may have been 'Sugar mommas for Dummies,' which I threatened to throw at his head when he joked about my mom being hot, but I loved him. He was kind, caring and OHMYGODOHMYGOD. SAY YES BELLA. Open your mouth. Make words leave your mouth.

While I sat there trying to rewire the severed connection between my brain and mouth, Edward started a round of adorable ramblings. "We can have a long engagement if you want. Is this because I slotted three pick-up lines into my proposal? Shit. Bella, will you be my Demi Moore?"

"Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher got divorced, doofus." You can finally talk and that's what you say?!

"Shut up, woman. The floor is cold, and my knees aren't what they used to be. I'm sure you know the feeling," he joked.

"Yes. Yes. YES! Of course I'll marry you." I pushed him onto the floor, climbing on top of him and kissing him. I kissed him like it was the last scene of The Bodyguard, and the Mayan calendar had stuck its middle finger up at me.

"Even if I slip four pick-up lines into my vows?"


You're here which means you read it all! Why thank you lovely person! :)

I'm thinking of writing a little more of Bella and Pick-Up-Line-Ward, so feel free to tell me in a review what you want to see these two get up to and share your favourite pick up line!

I need to thank Sparrownotes24 and TheWolfsWriting for their help and support, guiding this lost noob.

Lellabeth for being the most awesome thang that she is. I mean I could probably write another 5k on her. Before you Lella, my life was like a moonless night. For reals. ILY like strawberry laces and chocolate cake. So,

There once was a girl named Lellabeth

And I loved her beauts face to death

She fixed my plot bunny

In real life she's fucking funny

When I think of her I loose my breath.

And GeekChic for being amazing. So I wrote her a limerick, because I'm cool like that and she's a spectacular beta and person. You should also check out all these peoples fics because boy can they write…

My words once looked penned by a potater

And then swooped in my beautiful beta

So all my reviews

Are really for you

GeekChic I'll tell you why I love you later

Oh, yeah. I'm a modern day Shakespeare.

Thank you again for reading, please leave me some love. I get bored and lonely; your reviews will make my day.

I was going to say something else but you're so beautiful that you made me forget my pickup line.

Fiyaaa x ( Shneezles)