Disclaimer: The author does not own any of the characters from the Twilight novels and movies, which will be barely recognizable here. He does, however, own the fuck out of this plot.
Note: This was my entry in the Make Me Laugh contest. It took third place in the judges' vote, which shocked the everloving hell out of me. It's really, really strange. Be warned.
After the tabs got ahold of my story, I quickly got a reputation as just another pop-tart because I have blond hair and I was wearing tiny shorts and I have nice tits and a flat stomach and, basically, I'm so hot you could fry an egg on my ass cheeks.
But I'm not an idiot. I'm just in love. Plus, I didn't pick that outfit. It came with the body, OK?
But Edward? He is kind-of an idiot, but he's so fucking adorable I can't help myself.
I should have known all along this was going to happen, the cops and the cuffs, the news crews and the infamy.
Oh, the infamy.
You don't fall in love with a guy like Edward and expect everything to turn out OK.
"It's not a crazy idea," he'd told me, laughing and dancing a jig. "It's magically delicious!"
I rolled my eyes so far back in my head I could see the produce section from the cereal aisle.
We weren't supposed to be together, but a little girl dropped a box of me onto the floor late on a Tuesday afternoon this past February. By the time the night cleaning crew came around, I'd been accidentally kicked under the shelves so many times my head was spinning. I had no idea where I was or how I was supposed to get back home.
I was scared, to be honest. I'm used to hanging around the snack foods. You know, nuts and applesauce, that sort of thing.
So when the lights went out for the night and all I saw were overly colorful cartoon characters, I freaked out a little. I don't have a problem admitting that.
"Who are you?" a bird with an enormous beak asked me. I grabbed a fallen box of granola bars and tried to hide behind it.
"Cuckoo!" he said when he got no answer, and he waddled off.
I hunched back down under the shelves and hoped nobody else would notice me. Maybe I'd be found by a stockboy and returned home in the morning.
Soon, though, I heard voices.
"Someone stole me Lucky Charms!"
"Trix are for kids!"
Feet flashed before me, as if there were a parade going by. I'd figured out by then that I must be in the cereal aisle. There'd always been rumors.
The mascots, it was said, sneaked out late at night and defiled the store. They opened the liquor and ate the fruit and, once, even turned off the freezers until the meat spoiled.
The store smelled like a death factory for a week after that, and so they learned to be more careful.
I never saw any of it, sheltered with the healthier foods like I was.
"Was it you stole me Lucky Charms? Hmm? Was it you?"
A little man in a green suit and matching top hat stood before me. He was so short he didn't even need to bend over to see me under the shelves.
"No," I said. "I. I. I."
"Out wit it, girly. Haven't got all day. Did ya steal em?"
I decided I'd had enough of being afraid, so I flicked him on his bulbous nose.
"I stole nothing," I said, and I crawled out from my hiding place. I stood, and I towered over the little man in green.
"You're the newcomer around here," he said, puffing out his chest. He removed his hat and ran his fingers through his hair, long and messy locks that weren't exactly brown or red. More of a coppery color, to be honest. He had pale skin and deep green eyes and he exuded the kind of confidence you don't often see in children's mascots.
"I wouldn't steal your stupid sugary Lucky Charms if they were the last food left on Earth!" I told him. "Now leave me alone."
He tried to stare me down but I broke out in laughter. He didn't look angry anymore, just hurt. He folded his arms and turned his back to me.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I didn't mean to be rude. It's just that I'm lost and I don't know how to get home."
He turned back around with a smile on his face, as if it had never happened.
"Well let's get ya home, lassie," he said. "You're the Sunbeam Raisin girl, aren't ya? You're from aisle two."
"Bella," I said. "My name is Bella."
He removed his hat again and bowed slightly.
"A more beautiful name I have never heard," he said. He took my hand in his and kissed it. "Pleased to meet you, Bella. You may call me Edward."
What followed was a whirlwind romance like none the world has ever known.
Every night after the store closed, I would sneak down from my shelf and meet him halfway, usually in the potato chip aisle. Edward showed a side of himself to me that I don't think anyone else ever got to see.
He told me of his upbringing, an orphan who was adopted by this big cereal conglomerate ages ago. They were good people, he said. But he wasn't sure he could fully adapt to the nuts and grain lifestyle.
"Be careful of me," he told me one night as we kissed under the heat lamps in the bakery. "I'm dangerous, Bella. I'm no good for you."
I started to unbutton his shirt, but he put his hands on mine to stop me.
"I'm serious," he said, and his look smoldered.
I giggle-snorted and went back to his buttons.
"We've been dating for almost the whole spring," I said. "It's time, Edward. What's wrong? Don't you want me?"
He pulled back and put his hands on my shoulders.
"You don't think I want you? Are you out of your mind? I want you like a spider monkey wants the trees, Bella. I need you like a vampire needs blood. Your smell alone, so sweet and fruity, is enough to drive me crazy.
"But I'm dark and mysterious and dangerous. Haven't you heard me say that? Do you need some kind of evidence or something?"
I smiled and pulled him back down to me. "Go get a feathered pillow from the bedding section," I whispered, kissing his freckles. "It'll make us more comfortable."
He came back with the pillow and a placemat to use as a blanket and laid them down beside me. I removed everything but my bra and underpants and quickly covered myself with the mat.
"Your turn," I said, reaching for the large golden buckle that fastened his belt. I removed the belt and unbuttoned his pants.
His Honeycomb was already hard, and I lightly ran my fingers over his Frankenberries as he strained to be released from his Underoos.
Edward moaned. "Blarney," he mumbled.
I pulled gently at the elastic top of his Underoos and gasped when his Frosted Flake came free. It was enormous, nearly half the size of his entire leprechaun body.
"Oh my," I said.
Edward removed the rest of his clothes and laid down beside me. He ran his fingertips over my stomach, slowly making his way upward. When he reached my bra he slid his hand inside and pinched my Sugar Smacks.
He nibbled on my Raisinettes while I slid my hand up and down his Eggos. His Count Chocula became even harder, if you can believe that, and he began to slide his way down my body, kissing all along the way.
He reached my underpants and kissed me there. "You're so sweet," he said. His nose rubbed against my Nutter Butter, causing me to jerk uncontrollably. "Mmmm," he said. "Like dehydrated marshmallows in the springtime."
We moaned and nibbled for hours that night. I caught Cap'n Crunch lurking once, the perv. I shooed him away with a look, and Edward and I went back to our business. Thankfully, Edward didn't notice. He and the Cap'n have been feuding for years. Something about pirates and leprechauns not mixing well.
Either way, Edward was a beast that night; he never once got soggy.
When the light started coming in the windows the next morning, we knew we had to stop. Violating the One Rule was unthinkable. We couldn't let the humans see us.
"I'll clean this up," Edward said, and I looked around for the first time in hours. The entire bakery was covered in feathers. Feathers floated in the light breeze created by the overhead fans. Feathers were in the cake display window and on the top of the pie oven and even in the dough mixer.
Edward had ripped the pillow apart in the night.
"Nonsense," I said, slipping my clothes on quickly. I grabbed a broom and started sweeping.
"Bella. Stop," he said, putting a hand on my arm. He leaned in and kissed me hard on the mouth. He tasted like chocolate.
"Let me do this," he said. "It's my responsibility."
That's the night I fell in love with him. I had lived my life so sheltered, so closed-off from the real world, I had no idea what true passion and devotion were. Not until Edward showed them to me.
Which is why I was so blinded the next night when he suggested we break the only rule that matters.
"It's not a crazy idea," he told me as he danced. "It's magically delicious!"
He wanted to break out of the Thrifty Mart. Legend had it that the Burger King around the corner was able to grant wishes if they were grounded in True Love.
"Think about it, Bella," he said. He put his tiny arm around me and pulled me close. "We could escape from this. From all of it. Live our lives out there, like normal people."
He looked up at me and I could see a single glittery tear roll down his cheek.
"We could be human," he said.
I rolled my eyes and danced a jig to lighten the mood. I knew Edward would like it.
"Why not?" I said. The truth was, since Edward had opened me up to new experiences, I'd been craving more. Who's to say we weren't ready for the world out there?
Lucky for us, the BK was open all night. We sneaked out the mail slot just before midnight, hoping to avoid traffic.
The door to Burger King was way too heavy for either of us, so we had to wait in the shrubs for someone else to open it so we could sneak in.
Once we were inside, the place was a disaster zone. We hadn't given much thought to how we'd find the king without being spotted by the humans.
"He's probably in the back," Edward whispered.
"But if this place is open twenty-four hours, when does he come out?"
Something caught my eye, and I looked down the hallway toward the restrooms.
A tiny court jester was waving us over. His bells jangled and his hat flopped around.
"What do you think you're doing?" he whisper-screamed at us. His voice was so high-pitched I could swear he'd been sucking on helium balloons.
"We were hoping to see the king," I said. I gripped Edward's hand tightly and smiled. "We're in love, and we heard the legend. Is it true? Do you know if it's true?"
The jester scoffed. "Of course it's true," he squeaked, looking us up and down. "If you're really in love."
"Oh we are," Edward said.
"We shall see," the jester said. He turned and headed toward the storage closet. His shoes squeaked like dog toys as he walked. "This way. Quickly. Hurry up, hurry up."
We entered the closet and he closed the door behind us. It was pitch black and it smelled like a moldy old mop.
"Be patient," the jester said, sensing our discomfort.
A minute passed. Then another. And then a small door opened up behind the Spic-n-Span.
"Come now. Come on," the jester said. "The king is right through here."
"He lives in Fairyland?" I said. Everyone knew that fairies lived behind small, hidden doors often found in the human world.
"He's the king of all Fairyland," the jester said. "How did you think he got his powers?"
Once inside, I was mesmerized by the surroundings. A palace of French fries towered over a river of molten licorice - the red kind, because nobody likes that black kind. Besides, it looked like ketchup.
"Bow to the Burger King!" an announcer called out.
All around us, fairies bowed their heads and fireflies stopped flying and circus animals ceased performing.
The king strode out, surrounded by a flock of seagulls.
"Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand!" he bellowed.
"Hallelujah," said the fairies.
"Danke schoen," said the lions.
"Just like that river twisting through a dusty land," Edward said, and the crowd gasped in unison.
"Who goes there?" said the king.
"Edward and my Love, Bella," Edward said. "We've come for True Love's Wish."
"Inconceivable," said the queen.
"Now now, dear," said the king, patting her elbow. "I do not think that word means what you think it means."
He turned to us. "Let us hear them out. Just because we haven't discovered True Love in a hundred years doesn't mean it won't happen today."
The queen scoffed and the fairies danced and the circus animals began to perform again. The zebras donned rainbow-colored Afros and sang a song.
Ra da da da da da da da circus
Da da da da da da da da afro
Circus afro, circus afro,
polka dot polka dot polka dot yo.
"Come," said the Burger King, motioning Edward and me toward him.
We approached and we bowed our heads because we didn't know what else to do.
"What shall you do to prove your Love?" the king asked.
"Why, I'd do anything," Edward said. He put his hands on his hips and beamed. I adored him in moments like that, so strong and confident, despite his diminutive size.
"Me too," I said. "I'd do anything you ask."
The king smiled. "But it is not I who is asking," he said.
I was confused. "I don't understand."
"Blarney," Edward said. He frowned and smoked a pipe.
"The human world is a terrible and wonderful place," the king said. "It will test your Love and it will kill your Love dead as a well-done Whopper if it is anything but True."
He gazed at the queen, who was watching the circus strongman, who was himself watching the pink fairy, who was dancing with a rainbow zebra on an innertube full of Jello. Squirt-squirt, the Jello went.
"What flavor is that?" Edward asked.
The king smiled. "The human world will demand things of you," he said. He steepled his fingers before his face and furrowed his brow. "It will seem to make no sense and it will frustrate you and it will make you wish you had chosen a different path."
"I'll never wish that," I said, gripping Edward's hand.
"Nor shall I," said Edward. He snickered and jumped into the air, kicking his heels together.
"Yes, of course," said the king. He smiled and he looked at the queen.
"Promise me this and I shall give you what you want," the Burger King said.
I squeed just a little bit. "Fuck," I said. "Sorry."
"Make a public showing of your Love in the human world," the king said. "And you will get your wish."
The fairies gasped and the fireflies buzzed and the king simply waved his hand in the air. "Now be gone. You will either succeed or you will not. We won't see one another again in any case."
We left, hand in hand, and didn't say a word to each other until we were clear of the Burger King.
"What do you think he meant?" Edward asked.
"Since it's not entirely clear," I said, "I think we should do the most loving thing possible in the most public place possible."
Edward smiled. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" he said.
"Depends on what you're thinking."
He looked me in the eye, dead serious. "Hallmark cards."
I snorted laughter. "I'm not sure that's what he meant, Edward."
He looked dejected.
"It's very sweet," I said. "I just don't think it's quite public enough."
"Yeah, I guess," he said. He kicked a pebble and watched it skid across the parking lot. "What should we do then?"
"We'll have sex in the middle of Yankee Stadium," I said.
"Yeah. While the game's going on!"
"On top of the dugout!"
"And. And. And. We'll be naked."
"Yes, Edward. We'll be naked."
I didn't count on the cops. Or the cuffs. Or the infamy.
It's weird being turned into a tabloid queen when that's not what you set out to do. Because of a picture, snapped in an instant.
Me, half-naked and with obvious sex hair. Edward, unshaven and without shoelaces. Both of us handcuffed, being led away by the cops.
Everyone imagined a story behind the photo. But none of the stories were true. How could they be? They didn't know what I knew.
The police escorted us out as a throng of reporters and photographers waited, eager to find out how two cartoon characters came to be fucking on top of the dugout during a baseball game.
We ignored them all.
"I love you," Edward said as the cop holding his elbow started to pull him away.
"I love you too, Edward," I said. I reached for him, and I was suddenly overtaken with a sense of calm like none I'd ever felt before. My body became warm, and I felt the cool air rush over my skin as if I'd stepped into a new world.
I looked at Edward, only he wasn't the same Edward anymore. He was human, and he was leaning toward me again, trying to say something.
I leaned closer so I could hear.
"You make a beautiful human being," he said.
I pulled my new body closer to his, dragging the cop with me.
"Kiss me," I said, and I felt his breath on my skin. His lips brushed mine quickly and he nibbled on my ear.
"I told you," he whispered, smiling wide.
"Told me what?"
"You're magically delicious."