It hurt… It burned like acid to my body… the feeling of no longer having something for me to fight for… to protect…
Bethany… my only little sister… the only daughter of my family… was gone first… taken from us by the ogre… the blighted dark spawns... Mother first blamed me for his death, but later apologized for doing so, knowing that there was nothing I could have done to protect her… but she is right… so very, very right. I should have been the one that was close to her protecting her. I am the oldest, and my mistake cost Bethany her life. She and I always shared a connection that was very special. She could get away with just about anything and I couldn't get mad at her. All she had to do was beat her lashes at me innocently and I would cave. I miss my sister dearly.
Carver… my stubborn, thick headed little brother, he was next, taken from my side by the dark spawn… I shouldn't have let him come, I should have talked him out of wanting to go. Should have talked him into trying to talk Aveline into giving him a chance at being a guard. I would even take him being a Templar if it meant saving his life from the taint. Anything is better than what he got. We never honestly, truly, got along. But we could have understood each other after we grew up some more. No one would ever know now… Now that one, I know mother blames me for, no matter what she tries to tell me after she calmed down. My mother, always wanting me to have some peace at mind.
Oh mother… my last dear family member… murdered and turned into a horrible puppet in hopes of a fool man's dream… She was the only person I had left to look after, but I wasn't fast enough. I did not act quickly enough. I could have pushed myself to move faster, or I could have warned her about the murderer… even though I had no idea the lilies were the connection to it all, I could have told her to be more careful… Once again… my mistake killed another member of my family.
Threw all the good I have done, for all the people I have helped and saved… they all seem to mean nothing now. Everyone that I love dies or leaves me… My father, sister, brother, and my mother… That handsome elf I have grown to truly love over the past 6 years even left me.
Sense I took the Arishok down, I try to use any time I have going out, hunting slaver, bandits, and all the kind to keep my mind off of the pain. But, more so than not, I am at home, counting my sorrows. I know the others worry for me for my overall lack of interest in anything that could be considered good for Kirkwall but… it's hard to protect a city that has taken so much out of me and not shown any sort of gratitude… I do get praised for my help and rewarded with coin, but I know better. I know they are only doing so because, in the end, they fear what I am. A tainted person with the curse of magic.
I need a family… someone I can hold, trust and protect… Yeah the gang is a second family to me, but they can all hold their own and so there really is no need to protect them… the only one who would need any sort of protection is Marrell, but she has Varric and Isabella. Aveline has herself and Donic, though she never needed help in the first place, while Fenris and Anders usually keep to themselves.
Bodahn and his son were still here, and take the best care of me, but I know that eventually they will leave me as well. Living here wasn't exactly helping with his business. Sooner or later I will be completely alone here.
Well, that's not true. Orana will be here working still. But I know the others would watch after her.
Right at this moment I am sitting on my bed looking into the fire, deep into my own thoughts, but they were soon broken once Fenris came bursting through the door.
"Hawke!" He called out. "I have information on some slavers outside of the city! They have a large group of elves and humans a like that they plan on selling off!" He yelled out, not wasting even a second, same old Fenris.
"We better go stop them before they get a chance then." I answered back to him as I stood up, my voice sounded as if it was the most important thing that needed to be done in my lifetime, but I knew my eyes told a different story. The only reason why I agree to do any missions now is to simply use up my time that I have so much of now days, though at the same time I knew this was very important to Fenris, so, though I didn't feel like it, it's important to me as well. Scratching the stubble on my chin I walked across the room towards my armor and grabbed the pants off the rack.
"I'll run and get Anders –", I cut myself off as I got a glare from him. "I know you REALLY don't like him, but his healing magic is very useful, you know that I honestly no good at that." I stated as I rolled my eyes from his stare. "But anyway, go grab Varric then we will meet right outside the city." By this time I had at least gotten my armor pants and boots on. Looking up Fenris was still giving me his glare. "If you keep glaring at me like that then I'll make you go get Anders instead." I glared back at him.
"Fine, just make it quick…" Fenris sneered and quickly left the room.
Letting out a sigh I got my top armor on, along with my clawed gloves, and to finish it off, I threw my large staff across my back.
"Honestly, why Fenris still talk to me? I know his great dislike of mages. And after what happened a few months back… " I started to think, but shook the thoughts out of my head as they formed. "No point thinking about it now… What's done is done. It was a fool's notion to think that anything would become a mage and a man who hates everything mages are." I finished with a sigh as I headed to the door.
"Today is going to be a long day… I just know it…" I let out a sigh and left my home and headed off to Dark town.