Title: Deathwish (1/?)

Author: Brooke

Email: yabbadabbadome13@yahoo.com

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I might someday though. It's a goal of mine. Buffy and friends are owned by Joss, Mutant Enemy, 20th Century Fox, UPN, and whoever else has rights to the show.

Summary: Adventures in slaying

Spoilers: I'm not good with eppy titles, but it's pretty much just some stuff I borrowed from season 5.

Distribution: My fic is your fic. Just let me know.

Feedback: Definitely!! Tell me if it sucked or if you liked it. Whatever. Just write back!

Authors Note: … indicate thoughts. Happy reading all!

--Buffy

            As I squatted behind a rather large tombstone I thought the events of the past few days. Or weeks. No, it was probably months. Alright, alright. Years. I thought about all the major events in my life since I was 15 years old.

            I did this everytime I went to go fight now. I reviewed my life and criticized my every mistake before I went to my possible demise.

            If it makes any sense I figured out why I do this, Why I tear myself apart inside night after night.

            I do it because I realize the most inevitable truth about myself. I realized that I deserve to be hated, and alone. I've messed up a lot.

            But nobody hates me. Even people who should, don't.

            They all should.

            I've been a real bitch in a desperate attempt to push my friends away, but they won't go. They keep holding on.

            I have to hate myself enough for everybody, so that I'm not afraid to lose, to die.

            Now I'm sitting behind a tombstone crying. Just like always.

            I'm crying because I know that one day I'll lose, and it scares me that I don't care. It scares me that this thought is the basis for my every action, just to see how far I can push myself.

            A sick part of my mind yearns for that moment. My final moment, when I'll be alone and no one will be able to bring me back. The one moment that is destined to come. The time that I'll lose.

            Xander would be so pissed if he knew I was thinking like this. That I always thought like this. I'm his hero and I'm envisioning my own demise.

            I wonder if he would cry the most if I didn't come back one night.

            He, of all people, shouldn't. I hope with all my heart that he wouldn't.

            I don't deserve his tears.

            Spike was right. I have a deathwish.

            I watch as the seventeenth vampire enter the mausoleum that I had been casing.

            As the steel gated door closes I silently make my way to the entrance.

            I'm too tired to fight it anymore. If I die I deserve it.

            I push the door open again with a shaking hand and watch as the grotesque faces within all turn to me.

            "Spike's right." I say, my voice trembling, my eyes red and stinging.

            And they charge.

--Xander

            I've counted seventeen vamps that have entered that mausoleum. I'm relieved that none of them saw me on my perch above one of the neighboring tombs.

            I'm more relieved that Buffy didn't see me though. She would yell, I know that for a fact.

            I'm worried about her. That's why I follow her when she hunts. She doesn't know that I know that she does this everynight.

            Now I watch as she crys behind a tombstone with her knees hugged to her chest.

            I hate it when she crys.

I hate it that she doesn't want me to help make it better.

            Maybe if I wasn't such a doofus all the time I could help her more. The thought that I could be helping her and don't tears me up inside. All I ever want to do is make Buffy's life easier. I'd sell my soul to Satan, without hesitation, if it would make her life easier. Ok, maybe a little hesitation, but the point is that in the end I would do it.

            She peers around the side of the stone she is sitting behind. I'm awestruck as the moonlight bounces off her hair. Buffy is so beautiful to me.

            I wonder what she's thinking. If she's thinking about me?

            The door to the mausoleum closed and she turns around again. I duck so she won't see me.

            She's standing up. What is she doing? She wouldn't. Who am I kidding? I know Buffy well enough to know that she would.

            I try to scurry down the side of my mausoleum as she starts toward her destination. My foot catches of the vine gate and I fall.

            God I'm such a loser. If she dies because I'm clumsy…

            I push myself up hurriedly and sprint to the steel gated door I just saw Buffy walk into.

            Why is everyone who lives on the Hellmouth mentally suicidal?! I scream to myself as I crash to the ground again. Damn stones.

            But I'm up again in no time, and I hear Buffy say in a shaky voice, "Spikes right."

            I see the vamps charge at her as I step into the room behind her. My Slayer. My Hero. I'll kill them all. I'd die for her.

*End Part 1*