Make Me Laugh Contest Entry

Title: Suit Up

Picture prompt used: 13

Rating: M

Disclaimer: All characters are the intellectual property of Stephenie Meyer. This story is the non-intellectual property of yours truly.






I blame my current obsession with water sports on last year's summer Olympics. Seeing all those speedo-clad hotties with the great pecs and abs made me curious enough to attend the swim meets at my own university. The athleticism, and let's face it, the attractiveness of the men, made the meets exciting. In more ways than one.

Because that's where I saw him.

And I couldn't help myself from falling. (For him - not on the floor like a klutz. I'm very coordinated.)

Unfortunately, he didn't fall.

Like for me or on me. Either one would work, honestly.

But I'd really prefer both.




"Boo," my friend Alice says, coming up behind me and making me jump. "You need to stop lurking around the swimming pool, Bella. I swear someone is going to call security. It's bordering on stalking now."

If she knew how many times I've stared at him or asked about him, she'd drive him to the courthouse herself.

"I'm not lurking. I'm just showing my support for the team while I eat lunch," I retort, angry that she caught me again. I really should get a telephoto lens so I don't have to get so close to the pool. The video on my phone just isn't adequate. I need to get the upgrade to HD. Or maybe I need to stop spending my downtime watching guys (well, one guy) swim. "And the practices are open to the public, so shut it."

"Support, right. You want to support Edward Masen's fine ass with your hands," she teases and takes a seat next to me in the stands overlooking the pool where the swim team is practicing. Edward glides through the water, muscles rippling and stretching, every stroke long and strong.

Fuck. Me. This is water porn.

"Bella? I think you're drooling." Yeah, I'm wet somewhere...but it's not my chin.

I shrug. "I freely admit that his ass is fine. Though his abs and crotch deserve to be cradled with the same care and adoration. His speedo is like a frame on a work of art."

"You have no shame."

"I am a student of anatomy, Alice. His is flawless. Though I'm going by my observations from a distance. I'd really like to examine him close up," I say dreamily. "And maybe sniff him. I bet he smells like coconut and sunshine. And you are one to talk about having no shame."

"Oh, you got it bad. And sunshine doesn't smell, sweetie."

"This judgment is coming from the woman who gets spanked by her rich boyfriend to get her off. It's like bad erotica. What's next, handcuffs and a whip? Oh, I forgot, you're way past that stage," I tease.

"At least I'm getting what I want from Jasper and not just staring at him from afar."

"Ouch. That hurts. But you like that, don't you?"

She raises an eyebrow. "Truth, Bella. You are a beautiful, successful woman. He'd be lucky to have you. Make a move already," she insists.

I sigh. "The truth does hurt. I already did try to make a move. I got ignored. But it's okay. I'm just going to watch him. Like a pretty painting. Enjoy the view."

"Oh Bella, I'm sorry. I didn't know. What exactly did you do to get his attention?"

"I waved at him from the stands. I tried to call him over to talk to me and he ignored me. So that's it. I'm not going to humiliate myself any further."

"Maybe he didn't see you. I think you should try again. Girls are probably throwing themselves at him constantly. I mean, look around." We both look toward the front row of the stands where there are actual swim groupies.

"S'okay. I still have a modicum of self-esteem left, obviously, since I'm lurking in the shadows of the pool still pining away for the most gorgeous man on earth," I joke. Okay. It's not really much of a joke - more like sad fact. Really sad now that I've said it out loud. I know I should go out on a date with someone else, but no one measures up to Edward. Literally. He's like six foot three with giant appendages. All of them. I shiver all over thinking about it.

"Well, if he doesn't notice you, then he's an idiot. He can't be that pretty and smart too," she offers.

"Yeah, he can," I sigh. "He's been accepted to law school. He's Phi Beta Kappa, reads to elementary school children in his spare time, and spent last summer building houses in Central America."

" he for real?" she asks in awe. "He can't be human."

"I'd like to get close enough to check for myself. Just one nibble. Maybe a blood sample."

"Hey, seriously, Bella, are you like a private eye in your spare time? How do you know so much about him?"

"I asked my boss, Esme, about him. She's his aunt."

"Bella...that's genius! But why hasn't she introduced you?"

"I made her swear not to set us up. I don't want him to feel obligated to like me. I want him to like me for me."

"Um, he needs to see you first. And he's never going to do that while you're hiding up here."

"It's fine, Alice. I know it'll never happen. I'll get over him." She raises her eyebrow and gives me a look. "After swim season," I say.

We both laugh.

"Well, he probably has a tiny dick," she offers, most likely in an effort to make me feel better.

At that moment, Edward pulls his long, lithe body out of the pool, pulling off his swim cap and shaking out of his hair like he's in a shampoo commercial.

We both zero in on his crotch. And laugh. Because Edward is packing heat.

"Alien sex robot," Alice says. "That's my final answer."

"Perfect man," I say, watching his golden skin glisten from the droplets of water rolling down his chest toward a reddish-brown line of hair that makes me so happy it should be called a giddy trail.

"Are you working this weekend? Jasper needs a new suit for the spring formal," she says, changing the subject.

"Yeah, and this afternoon. By the way...we're getting a new shipment of ties in," I say suggestively.

She laughs. "No, not today. We have plans."

Yeah. They probably involve leather and chains and resemble a Rihanna video.

"Okay, I'll expect him this weekend."

"Make sure the ties are silk. Anything else chafes my ankles." She then looks at her phone and jumps up. "I gotta go. Jasper texted me. I don't like to keep him waiting."

"Yeah, he might get out the flogger."

"If I'm lucky." She bites her lip and her eyes glaze over. Gross. I love Alice, but it's weird when your friend likes pain. One time I stepped on her foot accidentally, and I think she came.

"Bye, Alice. Say hi to 'Fifty' for me."

"Whatever. I'll tell him tomorrow. Tonight I'm not allowed to speak, or I have to spend the night kneeling on the wood floor."

And she says I have it bad.




"When you're done with that can you please finish unpacking the ties for the display, Bella? The new shipment just came in," my boss, Esme, asks as she rings up another customer.

"Of course, Esme," I reply with a smile as I finish dressing the mannequin.

"So have you had any interesting dates recently, Bella?" she asks.

"No. No dates at all."

She sighs and frowns. "You're such a beautiful girl, Bella. Why won't you let me talk to Edward for you? I know you'd be perfect for each other. You both have similar personalities and goals."

"Thank you, Esme. But no. I'd like things to happen naturally. I told you that don't want you to force him to like me."

"Sweetie, trust me. I wouldn't have to force him." She shakes her head. "You really need some sex, Bella. You're getting that look that Carlisle gets when it's been more than a few days without it."

A few days? Try a year. She and Carlisle are like rabbits. Happy, sated rabbits.

I've been working at Urban Couture for a year know. It's the perfect job for me while I'm in medical school. Esme is a great boss - she gives me flexible hours when I have class or need to study or...ogle her nephew. She really understands my schedule because her husband is a doctor and on the faculty of the university. I, in turn, do everything and anything around the store. Including cleaning up after her sexcapades with the good doctor. Those two can destroy the stock room.

I'm in the back when the chime alerts me to a new customer. I continue unpacking the ties until Esme calls out to me that she's going out and for me to take over. I walk over to the counter where she's gathering her things.

"There's a customer in the dressing room, Bella. He's trying on a suit. I'll be out for a while. Carlisle just sexted me. In fact, I might not make it back, so lock up when you're done." She winks and waves as she rushes out.

Lucky. Esme is gettin' some afternoon delight from her sex god hubs. Again. This is a frequent occurrence, and not surprising. All the female med students, and some of the male ones, lust for the hot doc. He's hotter than Clooney and has a British accent. And an amazing bod. Hmm...judging by the flush on Esme's face and the speed at which she high-tailed it out of here, Dr. Carlisle Cullen just sent one hell of a text message that set Esme's lady parts on fire.

Not that I would know. No one has even warmed any of my parts in a long time. My cat, Jenks, licking my big toe doesn't count. Not really. Okay, only when my whore cousin Tanya calls and asks if my kitty got any action. Then it counts. Because I'll be damned if she knows my sex life is deader than the cadavers in my gross anatomy class. At least they get touched by men in the lab. My life is like existing in one of those sexless dystopian worlds where no one has feelings or urges. Only without the promise of the hot guy at the end.

Complete. Fail.

"Excuse me, can you help me with this?" a voice calls out from the dressing room. A voice I recognize.

Fuck. It can't be. Not him.

Not when I look like this. I reluctantly walk over to the fitting area, hoping I'm mistaken.

"May I help you, sir?" I say outside the fitting room door.

"Mmm, yes. You definitely can," he says as he walks out.

Damn. It is him. And I look entirely too sexy today. I square my shoulders and try to look uninterested. Which should not be hard considering who is standing in front of me.

"Hi, Mike. What do you need?" I ask with the barest amount of civility I can muster for this douche canoe. I can hardly look at him for all the eye-rolling I'm doing.

He tries to smirk as he looks me up and down. It makes him look constipated. "You know what I need, Bell-uh."

Yes. A new personality and a swift kick to the balls. But I can't afford the bail money. "I know what you want, Mike. But we both know that will never happen. Never ever. Like not now, or next week, or if we were the last two people on Earth."

"What about if life as we know it depended on our procreation to prevent extinction?"

I pull out my iPhone and scroll to a particular song and tap play.

"It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine."

His face falls. "Wow. That was harsh."

"I'm sorry, Mike. But I want to be clear with you. This is the only way we're going to avoid a restraining order." The irony of me not wanting a stalker is quite clear.

"Okay, Bella. I swear I'm just here to get a suit for the spring formal." His eyes shift around and he licks his lips. "You wouldn't want to-"

"No, Mike," I say forcefully. He looks like someone kicked his puppy. "Why don't you ask Jessica? I know she has a crush on you." And on half of the Delta Chi fraternity, but I don't say that.

"Really?" he asks hopefully. "She's pretty hot. I mean she's not you, but..."

"Ask her."

"Okay. Thanks, Bella. Now can you help me with the suit?"

"Sure. Let's see." I look him over. "Yeah. It's good."

"What about my inseam?"

"What about it? The pants look the right length."

"I need you to measure know my inseam?"

I roll my eyes again. "Yes, sir." I get my tape measure because I'm a professional. I carefully measure his inseam, completely avoiding his junk. Not that it's hard to do. He doesn't seem to be packing much. Poor Jessica.

"How you doin'?" he asks, winking and smiling. Oh god. "You going get that other side? You can move it over. I can't promise it won't twitch."

Barf. If his dick touches me I can't be responsible for unmanning him with my dressing room keys that I will wield like a scalpel.

"Mike, I am not going to be moving anything in your pants...voluntarily, and I'm sorry I ever told you about my favorite episode ofFriends."

I think he's ruined it for me forever. Could I be any more disgusted?

"Okay, okay. Let's change the subject. Where's your friend Alice? She's cute."

"Yeah, she's...tied up at the moment." I snort because she probably is. Jasper likes rope play.

"Is she seeing anyone?" he asks hopefully.

"Um, yes." Though probably not literally. She said she gets blindfolded often. "Look, Mike, are you going to take the suit? I bet Jessica will think you look really handsome in it."

He flushes and grins. "Yeah, I'll take it. Thanks, Bella. I'll go talk to her."

Well, my matchmaking is in effect again. The first time I tried to hook someone up was Jasper with Alice. He was buying suits here, and I texted her to visit me. And a year later, they're still hooking up. With carabiners and other god knows what...but it works for them. Who am I to judge?

I ring up Mike, and he leaves with only minor prodding and a promise that I will put in a good word for him to Jessica. The rest of my shift I spend assisting other customers and setting up the new ties into the display. I'm holding my particular favorite up when I hear someone walk in.

"Hey...I really like that one," a soft voice says from behind. "Do you think you can find me a suit and shirt to match?"

"Of course, sir. Would you like to..." I say as I turn around to great my customer and get an idea of what he'd like to try on. When I see who it is, my knees nearly buckle. "Fuck," I whisper in panic.

His eyes widen and then his lips pull into a grin that's so dazzling, I may have gasped at the sight. He cocks his head slightly and asks, "Pardon? Did you just ask me if I wanted to-"

I interrupt quickly before he finishes that question and I die. "How may I help you, sir?"

"Edward," he replies, shoving his hands into the pockets of his low-slung jeans that must rest right below the devastating v-shape of his abs. I grab onto the display table to steady myself.

"Sir Edward," I reply, breathily. He smiles again, and I realize my mistake. I hastily blurt out, "I mean, Edward. Sorry...I've been watching a lot of Merlin on BBC." Geez, that sounds sad. It would be sadder if I told him about all the Merthur fanfiction I've been reading.

He laughs. "It's okay, I thought it was cute."

Great. Cute is not good. Cute is for puppies and the platonic friend that nobody fucks. I sigh.

"You're Bella?" he asks. He looks at me from head to toe, and it's not creepy at all. Now I'm glad I'm wearing one of my best outfits. This skirt does wonders for my figure.

"Um, yeah."

"My aunt said you'd know what would look good on me." Yes. Because I observe your body daily. I may have sketches. I may have so many that the police could use them to search for you if you were missing.

"So..." we both blurt out at the same time. He smiles shyly and looks down. I just stare.

"I was hoping to-" he starts before I interrupt, trying to recover from my blundering.

"Yes, get a suit. We have an excellent selection - what is the occasion, may I ask?"

"Um, a dance - you know the spring formal?" Of course he's going. He probably has a ton of girls fighting over him. Maybe he has a raffle going to select his date - all proceeds to benefit Habitat for Humanity or something because he is an alien sex robot, only with social consciousness.

"Yeah. Do you want a certain color...maybe to match your date's dress?" Whoever that lucky whore is.

He looks me in the eyes and says, "I don't have a date...yet. I was thinking that maybe-"

I stop his thought because I don't want to think about him asking someone else. "You would be gorgeous in gray with your skin tone. Maybe a green shirt to bring out your eyes." Of course he'd be gorgeous in one of those sumo wrestling costumes and a mask.

"Whatever you think will look best, Bella. I trust you to make me look good."

I snort. "Like you could possibly look bad." I walk over to the rack of our best suits, pulling out some that I think will work. Which is every single one because the guy is like a model.

He grins widely. "Yeah? You should see me in the morning." If Mike Newton had said that, I'd probably slap him. But from Edward it's playful. And hot. Too bad it's not an invitation.

"I'd - I...that's probably quite a sight." I'd likely pass out. Bronze hair tousled from my hands gripping it during sex. Sleepy eyes looking down at me. Holy shit. Then Edward emerging from the bathroom after his morning shower. His towel wrapped low around his hips. Wet. Steamy. I fan myself.

"Hot?" he asks, stepping closer to me. I can smell him, oh god, - and if I live through this encounter, I'm going to tell Alice to go fuck herself because he does smell like sunshine and coconut.

"Definitely." I exhale shakily. I can't help it. He's too close.

"Good to know." Yeah. He knows I'm talking about him and not the temperature. It's bordering on cockiness. But it's a good look on him. "Because I'm feeling warm myself." He reaches a fingertip out towards my collarbone and asks, "May I?" When I nod, (erratically, like a bobble head) he gently swipes a drop of perspiration from my neck.


Is what I am.

Because I'm pretty sure he's flirting with me.

I try to get myself together. It's really hard to do when he's looking at me like that. Like he wants to lick the sweat off my body. I'm ready to offer him a perspiration buffet if he wants.

"Uh, let's get you out of those clothes then," I say, eyes widening when I realize what I've said, "and into a suit," I add hastily.

He laughs. "Okay. I'll be 'getting out of those clothes' right now. But maybe you should lock up. Isn't it time for you to close up this place?"

I look at my watch. "Oh, you're right. You don't mind if I lock the doors?"

"Why do you think I came in so late? I wanted your full attention, and no interruptions," he says softly.

I let out a small gasp. "I'll just go...and yeah...I'll come right away. Come back, I mean." Fuck. I'm a mess. "Go ahead into dressing room one. I'll bring you some choices."

"Don't you need my size? I'm sort of hard to fit. I'm longer than average."

Holy shit. Truer words have never been spoken. I really want to measure him (using only my tongue) and prove that hypothesis. I bet he's thicker too.

"I'm a professional, Edward. I bet I can fit you perfectly." Eep. That came out wrong. Or right. Depending on if he's as horny as I am.

"I have no doubt that you would fit me perfectly. And Bella, make sure you bring me what you'd like to see me in." He turns around and saunters towards the dressing rooms, leaving me speechless.

I quickly lock up and return with three suits (because I can't bring him my bed - which is what I'd really like to see him in), including my favorite - the one he always wears in my fantasies before he strips down and rocks my world.

I knock on the door and hang up the suits on the hook, dropping one of the ties I selected on the floor in the process. I crouch down to pick it up and his bare feet appear before me, startling me. He grabs my shoulders to hold me steady so I don't topple over. Jesus. Even his feet are pretty.

"Are you okay there?"

"Yeah, sorry. Thanks," I say, embarrassed. I kneel and look up - and I'm eye level with his crotchtal area (I know that's not a real word - but I can't think of anatomy at a time like this). And he's shirtless. All I see is highly defined muscle covered by golden skin. His arm muscles flex as he grips my arms. This is so much better than the cadavers. I wonder if he would let me study him. Maybe if I told him I could get extra credit in anatomy.

I groan when I see his jeans are button fly and the top button is undone, letting his briefs peek out. "Are you for real?" I blurt out. I clamber up to my feet before I do something hasty, like pull him out of those boxers and give him head until he sees stars.

Oh, how I long to be hasty.

"What do you mean?" he asks, confused.

"I mean...all this." I wave my hand in the vicinity of his gloriousness.

"I don't take steroids if that's what you're asking."

"No. I's just really unfair that you look like this. And apparently you're smart and care about others."

"That's unfair? To whom?"

"To every other guy," I admit.

His smile is so radiant, it's nearly blinding. "You like me."

My eyes widen. "Damn it. Esme told you about my massive crush, didn't she?"

"You have a massive crush on me?" He steps forward so that we're almost touching.

I nod. I'm unable to speak. He reaches for my face, his thumb brushing over my bottom lip.

"Awesome. So we're even then," he murmurs.

And he kisses me like my life depends on it. And it does. Because after this, I won't be able to live without the taste of him.

His hands glide across my body, one hand grasping my hip, the other in my hair. The soft slide of his tongue is sure and unhurried, slow flicks driving me insane. I rub myself against his bare chest, touching all the warm, smooth skin I've dreamed about. And seriously, my dreams are sadly lacking.

"This okay?" he whispers against my lips.

"Amazing," I say, before returning to the warmth of his mouth. I want to crawl up and live in there, though I know I'd run out of oxygen. It would be worth it.

I gasp softly when he turns us and presses me against the wall, pinning me with his hips. "Oh god," I groan. I can feel his hardness against my stomach.

"Did I hurt you?" he asks, pulling back.

"Only when you stopped touching me."

He barks out a laugh. I latch my mouth onto his neck, biting and sucking. I might have enough of him in my mouth to produce a tissue sample in the lab. He slides up my skirt, lifting and rubbing my ass. He rolls his hips and I hop up, legs around his powerful thighs. I grind against him, hoping the heat of my pussy will make our clothes spontaneously combust so I can feel his cock where I desperately need it.

Edward turns me from frigid spinster to porn star in about two seconds.

He pulls my shirt open and kisses and licks the tops of my breasts, exposing my nipple when I arch towards him. His tongue circles and swirls around it, and I nearly chew off his ear trying to keep a part of him in my mouth. Thank god his cock wasn't near my teeth, that would be a true tragedy. Those reattachment surgeries never seem to produce attractive results.

"Jesus," he breathes out. "I want to be in you so bad."

"Yes," I moan.

"Not here...not for our first time."

"I won't tell anyone." I kiss his jaw, licking the stubble. Only on him would this be hot.

"I don't want us to be a secret, Bella. You deserve more than a quick fuck against the wall."

"Do it slow then."

"Not like this. I want more."

"Me too," I whine. It's almost pathetic. Okay, it's totally pathetic.

I sigh when he lowers my legs from around him. I straighten out my clothes, popping the girls back into my bra with as much dignity as possible. Which is hard to do when you have lipstick smeared all over and your hair looks like a haystack.

He laughs. "Oh, I plan to take my time when I get you in my bed. But it won't be here and now. I want to get to know you better, take you out." He holds me close. "I've wanted to talk to you since I saw you at the pool."

"You saw me? Then why did you ignore me when I tried to get your attention?" I try to step away from him, but he keeps me pressed against him.

"I never saw you do that, I swear. I saw you a few times up in the stands, but I figured that someone as beautiful as you had to be somebody's girlfriend. And I knew about the amazing 'Bella' from my aunt, but it didn't know you were the same person, until today."

"And now?"

"I'm hoping that now you are somebody's girlfriend." He looks at me meaningfully.

I shake my head and throw up my hands. "Whose?"

He rolls his eyes. "My girlfriend, Bella. You. Me. Together."

"Oh." I grin and nod. I'm sure I look like an idiot. But I don't give a fuck because I have the hottest boyfriend ever.

"Are you sure you're a medical student?" he asks, teasing. I hit his rock hard chest. Damn. That's some amazing muscle formation. All that stroking paid off.

"All this," I gesture towards him, "makes me slow."

He kisses me softly. "Then we need to get you accustomed to all this. I prescribe many nights with me, though you're the future doctor."

"I second that opinion."

"Then, let's get started with that treatment. And I'll take that suit you picked out for me."

"Oh, I wanted to see you in it." And out of it.

"You will...when I take you to the formal."

I smile at him. The bossiness is turning me on. Maybe I've been hanging out with Alice too often. I'll have to draw the line at sleeping on the floor without him. That's some bullshit right there.

"That will be two out of the three - I still need to see the most important suit."

He looks at me, puzzled, until I touch his bare stomach, slipping down below his waistband, and he realizes what I'm referring to. "Right. I guess all this," he gestures towards me, "makes me slow too."

"Slow is good... in your birthday suit."






A/N: Thank you to the hosts and judges of the Make Me Laugh Contest, and everyone who voted for this O/S. It won first place in the public vote and the judges' pick.

Thanks to my prereader, twilover76, who told me to make it funnier.

And all my love to my solemeat, Cosmogirl7481, who beta'd this and told me I would win.

Check out her awesome story, Sandstone Cove, that she wrote for my birthday. It's complete.