Disclaimer: Stephanie owns the characters and the marvelously tame world of Twilight. I however took her characters and exposed them to sex and my not so real world. I bet they like my world better.
Summery: I have a temper like a flair gun and Alice Brandon is a vengeful, conniving imp. This is what led to the Forks Fiasco of 2013 also known as the day the adults of Forks First Self-Righteous Church were hypnotized and 'liberated' of all their inhibitions. Sexual chaos ensues. I'm sure that Forks will never forget Edwards' and my contribution to the fun and festivities. Too bad they wouldn't remember their own.
There's some heinous fuckery goin' on mon."
― Christopher Moore, Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings
AN: Please God don't strike me dead for basing this at a church picnic. My sister dared me to do it, *jerking her forward*, hit her first.
This was written for the Make Me Laugh Contest and I just want to say that I had a blast writing it. Thanks go to Idreamshoes for pre-reading and putting up with my odd emails. Thank heavens she isn't easily offended.
Note to those who are easily offended: If you are offended by something folks turn around and walk the other way or turn it off. Free world folks, God gave us choices.
See the note on granny at the bottom AN.
Love ya'll! Oh, if you value the computer you are reading this on, put the cup down and swallow.
Revenge is Best Served in the Buff
I have a temper like a flair gun and Alice Brandon is a vengeful, conniving imp. This is what led to the Forks Fiasco of 2013 also known as the day the adults of Forks Alabama's First Self-Righteous Church were hypnotized and 'liberated' of all their inhibitions. I'm sure that Forks will never forget Edwards' and my contribution to the fun and festivities. Too bad they wouldn't remember their own.
Flair guns are amazing things. Picture yourself lost at sea surrounded by water, stars bright in the night sky, and said gun is your only hope for rescue. Point it to the sky and boom, what occurs is a radiantly bright burst of light burning for a minute or so, then it goes out forgotten to the night. My temper is just like that. It takes a lot to anger me but when it goes over the last line and into the red zone you had better run. I curse, I gesture, and I am an obnoxious bitch. I don't just burn bridges when I get mad I napalm their asses.
For example last year I caught my boyfriend of a year screwing Lauren 'I fucked all of Forks' Mallory. Needless to say all hell broke loose. What would you do if you found someone you thought you loved with the town skank hooked up like two dogs in your living room? Listen to what I just said, in my living room! Mike doesn't live with me; he brought her to my apartment to screw the skank!
He told me while I was twisting his nuts that the chance of being caught added to the sexual energy. Unfortunately the cops broke in about then and I wasn't able to twist them completely off. I have always wanted a pair of those balls to hang from the back of my Jeep and I nearly had me a real hairy set.
I was evicted from my apartment soon after because of a list of damages I did to it. Damages included were the front door which I kicked in when I heard the sex riot going on inside. The living room window because I threw Lauren out of my apartment through it. And finally the living room carpet which had blood, puke, and urine stains. I broke Mike's nose and that is where the blood and piss came from. The puke is from his nuts doing the twist. They are lucky I think because he looked like he was going to shit himself when dad and the patrol officer came in and demanded that I let him loose.
My dad had a look on his face that I will never forget. It was twisted between horror and humor. I got out of jail time on one condition, that I take anger management courses.
Luckily I have Alice Brandon as a friend and now roommate. She is also psychologist and offered to take me on for the anger issues. Our anger management classes consist of hypnosis and banana splits down at the Dairy Queen. I flat out refused any other type of therapy. Any way I like ice cream therapy. Does the hypnosis help with the anger issue? I can't really say, because I haven't been pushed far enough yet to blow up.
Alice used to have an office here in Forks but last year the preacher at Forks First Self-Righteous went after her for her use of hypnosis on the locals. She had been using hypnosis for a variety of things, weight issues, fears and phobias, addictions, pain management, and even smoking.
Her method of hypnosis isn't the kind with the shiny object wagging in front of your face. Alice's hypnosis method uses her voice, music, and sometimes she taps the pulse points on your wrist. I really have no clue how it works just that it does. All I know is that I start off listening to her voice then I wake up to her counting backward from ten.
Emmett McCarthy claims she cured him of his arachnid phobia. He now has a pet tarantula named Jezebel.
She had treated half the town for one thing or the other using hypnosis. Her methods worked well and no one in town complained. At least that was until Pastor Murphy had a little problem he needed Alice's help with.
Pastor Murphy wanted Alice to 'fix' his gay son and when she refused him on the grounds that his son wasn't broke and just preferred the male gender the fun started. Next thing you know he is preaching that she is some sort of witch and is doing perverse things to the community when she has them under. The asshole pretty much ran her business out of town. Now she practices an hour away in Birmingham. She makes twice what she made here but she is still to this day pissed at the whole congregation of that church.
Piss Alice off and she just smiles, threaten her and she just smiles. Most leave frustrated thinking she is a twit but some leave with their hair standing on end and rightly so. Things just sort of happen in the presence of Alice, crazy shit.
We are best of friends, been that way since she told me my shoes were crap on the first day of kindergarten. I guess with her spooky smiling and my blowing up we make a perfect team.
It's steaming hot here in July and Alice has one of her goofy smiles on her face. The closer it gets to the day of the Fourth of July church extravaganza the bigger that smile is getting. I don't know what she has planned but if I was on her shit list I would pack a bag and go out of town for the week.
Every Fourth of July the church has their annual fireworks extravaganza. It's massive and most of the town shows up for it. It's well organized, and everyone has an area so that they can enjoy themselves with no worries. The church nursery has kids up to the age five. Six to ten year olds get the gym. The tweens and high school age kids are bussed half a mile away to the river for their own extravaganza away from the adults. So everyone is well segregated, and there is no mingling. So knowing this I have a feeling Alice plans to pull something this year. Really it's the only way possible to get them back without collateral damage.
My grandmother is one of the blue bloods of Forks Southern Baptist. To the blue bloods it's all about status and saving face.
They are always dressed impeccably in the latest uncomfortable fashion. They always drive the latest expensive car. It's a rigid class system and everyone is judged by who has what and who doesn't.
Don't go out in public without your 'face' on, always wear panty hose, and never wear the same outfit more than once a month. I can hear it now "Ladies never act common." Common was a very big thing for those old birds. If you didn't fall into their cookie cutter existence you're considered common.
I bet grandpa had to pry her knees apart with a crow bar to get a piece of her ass. I'm amazed dad was ever conceived. It must have been a onetime poke and run. He had to have feared for his balls or his head because I swear to God sometimes she reminds me of a praying mantis.
Gran doesn't like me. Two reasons why. I look like my late mother who she detested and called common, and I act like my dad who doesn't put up with her snobbish bull shit. Dad loved my mom and rejected Grans lifestyle choosing a blue collar existence as the town sheriff. She hasn't forgiven him yet, or my dead mother.
The day of the extravaganza was upon us and Alice was at her pepped up best. I was in the kitchen making strawberry shortcake for the gathering and I could hear Alice fiddling with her laptop in her office. She was humming some disjointed tune and giggling every so often. Sometimes I wonder if she writes her own prescriptions for Ritalin. I thought shrinks were supposed to be reserved and quiet but not Alice.
"Bella, my dear can you do me a little favor this afternoon?" She called from her home office.
I walked from the kitchen and into the spacious room. This is a dream of an office. Three walls of books with a massive wooden desk placed in front of a large picture window overlooking a fountain in the back yard. The most comfortable and seductive chaise lounge for patients or enjoying a book placed to the side under a lamp. You would think that this is a man's study but for the lady like touches, not too many but enough to give it a slight feminine air.
"That depends if you get that Cheshire cat grin off your face. Honey, your kind of scaring me."
"Silly Bella." She pulled a CD from her laptop. "Can you give this to the DJ about an hour before sundown when you are sure all the latecomers are there and the kids are well out of the way?" She said as she slipped the CD into a pink jewel case and handed it to me. I took it warily like it was a bomb.
"Alice, you aren't thinking of showing up over there after all that went down with that bunch are you?"
If her smile could have been any bigger I would have sworn I was talking to a great white shark. "Do you really think I'm going to let that small town asshole and his group of holy rollers run me off Bella?" Her voice dropped to a lower octave, similar to the one she uses when she practices her hypnotism.
"Oh shit Alice, what are you planning?" I plopped down on the chase lounge; just the thought of what she may have planned was beginning to make me feel weak in the knees.
Funny peppy Alice just walked off stage and American Psycho Alice took her place. "I lost my business here in town Bella, which cost me a lot of money. I had people whispering about me in the grocery store. Some little shit egged my car." You know that was probably the final button to punch for the crazy train. Alice is quite fond of her bladder infection yellow Porsche.
She ran her hand through her spiky black hair and turned her back to me bowing her head. I was about to jump up and go grab some Kleenex when instead of the sound of tears I hear the sound of giggles. "Do you know that programmers working on computers sometimes leave back doors in their programs so they can get back in if they want?"
She turned back to face me. Honestly I was expecting only her head to turn so it was a surprise to see the body follow through with the head.
"Isn't that what Jasper does? Programming computers and such?" I asked. I wonder if it's too late to get her drunk. If she is under the table drunk she can't go all nutso on the good church folk. Would she nail me in the head with her Ferragamo's if I made a break for the phone? Call Jasper or who the hell do you call when your shrink goes nuts? Save me Steven King!
"I have back door into every head in this town."
"Monkey says what?" She giggled at my wide eyed expression.
I stood by my disapproving grandmother and her crowd and watched as Pastor Murphy walked through the crowd toward the podium. He really knew how to work a crowd. He smoosed, kissed cheeks, and shook hands like a Democrat at a fundraiser. I have no love for the greasy bastard. Gran however, couldn't keep her eyes off him. Wonder if she dreams of parting the red sea for the middle aged pastor?
He climbed the stairs to the large outdoor stage and pulled the mike from the stand and tapped it twice to get everyone's attention. His wife jogged up the stairs and stood beside him smiling like an Orbits gum commercial. Those teeth were really blinding, she should give the bleach strips a break.
"I would like to thank you all for coming out this year to our Fourth of July Extravaganza. It means so much to Caroline, our son Seth, and me to have our church family with us. Now all the kids are gone I want y'all to get together, relax, and socialize and have a good time. Don't worry about the kiddies they are well taken care of but I must insist however that you pick up your teens at the end of the night." There was sporadic laughter at that. "Caroline has arranged for us to have a DJ this year so we will be playing some nice family approved tunes while we eat and wait for dark." He waived to the crowd and thumbed up some men in the crowd.
The deacon of the church said a prayer over the food and everyone made a dive for their favorite dish. As we sat around in our groups eating fried chicken and gossiping I wondered anxiously what Alice planned for us all? The CD was awaiting its trip to the DJ and I swear the longer I waited to take it up there the more nervous I got. Did she put some sort of whammy on me too to make sure I follow through with my part of the plan?
I finished up the last of what was on my plate and made the excuse to Gran that I was going to get some desert. I pulled the CD from my purse and approached the DJ. It was Edward Cullen, how did he of all people get suckered into DJ'ing the church picnic?
Edward was, like his father, a doctor at the small hospital in our town. Actually his specialty was pediatrics. Every mommy in the area was close to being accused of Munchhausen by Proxy because of the hot young doctor. Heck I would put my kid under a heat lamp for an office visit with him. I heard Lauren Malory rushed her neighbor's kid to the emergency room a month ago for an umbilical hernia. For Pete's sake the kid has a well-known outie belly button and she only knew of that medical condition because she was watching a Catharine Hagel movie and that was in it. I wouldn't ever let that tramp baby sit a child of mine.
"Hey Bella, you enjoying everything?" He asked me smiling. He actually looked happy to see me. I knew of Edward through Alice and Jasper. In fact Alice has been hinting that she and Jasper wanted to set us up on a date. I squirm at the thought of a date with him. I wish they would hurry up and do it, before he hooks up with some nurse at the hospital.
"I'm great, um; I mean I'm having a great time. How about you?" I stutter and flounder back.
"Same ole same ole." He shrugged.
"So," we both say at the same time. "You first." He said with a smile.
"I'm glad you are up here doing the DJ thing. How did you land the job?
"Funny girl. Actually Seth asked me."
"He is a great kid. I hear he is escaping out of state for college."
"Yeah, Dad and I suggested Emory and sort of ganged up on his dad. He is a talented kid. Very bright."
"Yep, a bigoted dick for a dad, but he's a cool kid. Hey, I have a CD that is just begging to be played; will you give it a whirl for me?" I pulled the CD from my purse and handed it to him. He had a look in his eye and raised a brow.
"What?" I asked defensively. "It's something someone made for me. A collage piece."
"OK, as long as it can be played to the easily offended crowd. I don't want an uprising on my hands."
"Oh I don't think anything will happen. Like I said give it a whirl." I started walking backwards. He pulled the CD out and placed it into a slot on the stereo. Should I take off running and get out before the shit hits the fan or should I get out my iPhone and record the outcome of this fiasco for evidence later? Decisions, decisions, decisions. Yep, iPhone it is. Smile ya fuckers.
I swore as I walked away I heard, "I'd like to take you for a whirl." But when I turned my head back to Edward his head was down and he just looked up and smiled at me innocently. Must have been my imagination, Alice has me jumpy.
The current song ended and Alice's music started. Oh crap, it was the meditation music she used in her hypnosis sessions. We are all so screwed. I observed the crowd in front of me. It was like they all paused for a moment then continued what they were talking about. She couldn't have got to all of them could she? Knowing Alice she was probably tap tap tapping and worming her way into their minds at the beauty shop, boutiques, and grocery store. By that collective pause I think she has them all.
The music continued and slowly as if from a distance you could hear Alice's voice start to come forward in the CD.
"Stop all conversation, shut your eyes, and take a deep breath." The voice was Alice at her most hypnotic, slow, articulate, and an octave or two down from how she spoke in normal conversation. She was Kaa and the whole lot was a bunch of tasty Mowgli's. Amazingly, as I watched the audience they did just what she asked of them. Collectively they shut up, shut their eyes, and all at once took a deep breath. "Slowly, breathe out. Exhale to the bottom of your lungs and then slowly fill your lungs" The noise of the multitude exhaling at once sounded like a group of hissing snakes.
"Now, please count backwards with me silently to yourselves starting at three hundred. Three hundred, two nine nine, two nine eight," on top of the counting was another layer of her voice, "Your, doing very well, continue to count to yourselves as you listen to my voice. You are in a dream state, aware of your surroundings but open to me, open to my commands."
"Rut row shaggy, the shit's piling up like a snow bank," I whisper to myself and then I thought of something else. Edward! I turn around quickly only to see him with his eyes shut and lips slowly moving in a quiet count. "Oh no."
I hear a giggle behind me and turn to see Alice. "Having fun yet Bella?"
"I don't know Alice, should I be having fun?"
"Oh yes, most certainly. Hmmm I caught Edward too, how surprising. Want to do some naughty things to him?" She asked me with an arched eyebrow.
"Alice, I would love to do the nasty with Edward. But I would like him to want the same from me. This, well it would be like seducing a sex toy. I want the real boy." I couldn't help but giggle at the situation. I've wanted that real boy for a while now.
"Yeah, real boys are fun, but Bella, I have Church Barbie and Ken dolls to play with. Want to play with me?" She cocked her head to the side and I thought to myself, defiantly a Steven King situation here. I hope no sharp knives are anywhere around.
"This isn't ethical Alice. You're going to lose your license and serve jail time."
"Nope," she said popping the p. "I've programed the police and the local Judge. Got it covered." She chirped with a bounce. "Come with me!" She said and started toward the stage.
"Na, I think I will just stand here and watch the show."
"Suite yourself." She said with a giggle and took off.
She made it there quickly, mounted the stage and picked up the mic. Then in her most hypnotizing voice she said. "It's so very hot this July. Let's loose our clothes and cool off. Slowly remove your clothes and place them folded on your blankets and chairs."
The captivated audience started peeling and folding. Now I can tell you honestly I have never felt any desire to see what was under most of Forks, Alabama's clothes. Edward yes, the pastor, deacons, mayor, and the assorted church folk no. Let's just say after a certain age grooming habits become lax, things sag. Baggy asses and flaccid stubs dressed in grey brillo pads, tits brushing saggy bellies. It was nauseating. Yeah there were a few of the younger crowd that was nice to look at but oh God, they were disgustingly over shadowed by the older folk.
I know fate has it out for all of us in the end and one day I will look like these folk. But I would like to avoid that thought at the moment.
Edward! I peeked back at him and he had his clothes folded and sitting on the table. I couldn't help but look at his package and gasp. It was very impressive. I swallowed the lump in my throat. It was heavy, long, and impossibly thick and at full salute. Oh pretty, pretty, you should be framed with midnight sheets in a large four poster bed. I licked my lips and it jumped. Alice giggled on the stage and I looked back at the tiny mad woman. She was smiling out at the crowd and her eyes were twinkling with mischief and secrets.
Alice continued speaking to her audience. "I know your secrets, you have told me your thoughts, I will free you from your inhibitions and let you live today as you have never lived before. Free to do as you feel. Let your innermost wishes and desires take shape, picture them in your mind, and now as the thought takes shape do it. Slide into your dream persona and live it till the first blast from the fireworks. At the first blast you will return to your clothing and redress yourselves, and as you zip the last zipper and button the last button you will forget everything that has happened since the music started and we started counting. I say to each of you live free, NOW!"
Alice's voice drolled on and among some of her victims smiles began to form. When she commanded them "Now", I looked up to see my Grandfather approach his next door neighbor the widow Cope and embrace her and between the two of them Debbie Does Dallas couldn't keep up. He must be making up for lost time.
Grandmother had removed her dentures and was on her knees giving the Pastor head for all she was worth. A shop vac had nothing on granny. "You old Hoover you." The words just jumped from my lips before I could stop myself. I put my hand over my mouth before I let something else out.
Not far away the pastor's wife shared a blanket with two other deacons' wives. Now I know which side Seth inherited his love of the same sex from. They looked like a knot of middle aged snakes writing on the blanket.
I just shook my head and looked out at the crowd. A naked game of twister was going on by the grand stand. Six upstanding citizens, including our illustrious Mayor had joined in. Councilman Bradley had some sort of foot fetish thing going on the bleachers. He masturbated furiously all the while licking and sucking on the toes and feet of the Singles class leader and several members of her class. I don't need to tell you where their hands were and what they were up too. I think it was some sort of race to see who could finish first for the odd group.
The high school principle who was a rather obese fellow was laid out on the picnic table which held all the deserts. He was lying atop it making snow angles in the cakes and pies. He had cool whip on the tip of his stubby penis which was doing its best to reach for the sky. I could almost hear a chant from that direction, "I think I can, I think I can." I snorted a laugh and I could feel hysteria creeping in.
Alice was doing some sort of twisted laughing dance among the players in her little game. She held her camera and would circle one group or another with it snapping pictures and giggling madly. Then she would flutter dance on to the next group. I wonder if she was going to get hard copies of the pics?
"Dance, my puppets, Dance!"
Just then a hand fell heavy on my shoulder. I felt myself turning getting ready to fight off whatever perverted town member who had me in their twisted grasp. But I stopped myself just in time. It was Edward! I had forgotten about him with the floor show going on around me.
He smiled at me his eyes never leaving my own. Pulling me close he took my lips in a scorching kiss. He pulled back from the kiss and grabbed me by the hand. Leading me away from the rest of the gang we made our way toward a grouping of live oaks in the distance. I leaned down and grabbed an unused blanket as we passed.
We made love under the live oaks on a borrowed blanket. Slow, fast, we tried it all. As I came for the fourth time riding Edward hard to my finish fireworks exploded all around us.
He however wasn't finished and flipped me onto my back, pulling my legs up high he pounded into me for two hard strokes only to almost stop and stroke me slow and deep for several minutes. He continued this ebb and pull teasing me into another orgasm until I begged him loudly to finish me.
I was beyond rational thought as I screamed my orgasm at the top of my lungs. It was so amazing, I felt like I had no care in the world, I just fell limp around Edward and he collapsed atop of me. I just wanted to lie there and relive every moment of pleasure we had experienced tonight. But that desire came to a screeching halt because around us were armed men bearing flashlights and disapproving looks. My father was one of them, damn my rotten luck.
"Oh shit," I exclaimed, hitting an almost unconscious Edward on the shoulder, trying desperately to wake him from the stupor of good sex. "It's the pussy posse!"
"Bella!" My dad bellowed.
"Hi dad, you know I never thought about this but you have a porn stash." Humor didn't help.
"That's it Bella, you have gone too far this time!" Dad looked like he was going to blow a valve.
"Someone please locate their clothes," he bellowed to his officers. "And book their asses. I'm going home for the night!"
After we hurriedly dressed a pair of officers pulled us away from our nest under the oaks toward the patrol cars with their flashing lights and throngs of onlookers. The upstanding citizens were back to their normal selves.
Granny was rubbing her jaw like she had an ache all the while murmuring, "She gets it from her mother's side." I plan to beg Alice for some of Granny's pictures. Maybe she will get them as a Christmas gift from me.
As were being led away I looked at Edward and he looked at me and smiled. "I wasn't under her spell you know."
"Monkey says what?"
He laughed, "I just saw an opportunity for something that I have wanted for a long time. I wasn't brave enough to take a chance on my own so I went for it. Do you forgive me?" He asked with a desperate look on his face.
I lunged for him, pulling the officer holding my arm over in the process. Our lips met and I think he got the answer he wanted to his question. I pulled back and looked at him. His smile was contagious; I grinned up at him and went to kiss him again. The officers however were not amused and pulled us apart forcefully and continued pulling us toward the cars.
Maybe we would share a back seat on the way to police headquarters. Maybe I could dry ride him all the way to lock up?
Alice had better post bail for us. Anyway, wow what a picnic, I'm sure that Forks will never forget Edwards' and my contribution to the fun and festivities. Too bad they wouldn't remember their own.
AN: The grandmother in this fic is based on my dad's adoptive mother. When I wrote the line that she didn't like me because I look like my mom and don't give a flying fuck like my dad it was the truth. She lies down the road apiece now in a coffin which has an inside that is polished to a glossy mirror finish from all the spinning she has been doing.