Someone To Watch Over Me
In the wake of Drakken's retirement after "Graduation, Part Two", Shego finds an unusual new job with great perks.
Mr. Dr. Possible stumbled into his kitchen one morning and reached for the coffee pot. As he did so, he paused and turned his head. It appeared as if there was a dark, amorphous blob perched at the kitchen table.
He waited for a moment. The blob didn't become any clearer. Obviously the mystery would have to wait until he'd had his coffee.
"Ah, that's better," Mr. Dr. Possible said brightly, his vision instantly resolving itself as the first jolt of caffeine hit his stomach. No more of that squinting business! He looked to his left again.
The dark blob was now a full head of wavy black hair. The hair presumably belonged to a person whose back was to him, judging from the newspaper being read, the coffee being drunk, and the feet being propped up on the table. Come to think of it, Mrs. Dr. Possible hadn't come down yet. So this person must have prepared the coffee. By gosh, it was good coffee.
Casually he walked around to the other side of the table. The mystery remained unsolved. The newspaper was blocking his view. Since there was a stranger at his table, even if one who prepared damn good coffee, he tried a more direct approach. "Er, excuse me? Can I help you?"
The paper lowered itself slowly. It appeared to be a woman with very pale skin wearing dark sunglasses. She was dressed in a bodysuit of some kind of tight fabric in a wild green and black pattern. "Could you please identify yourself?" she asked calmly.
"I'm sorry, but - "
"I'm going to have to ask you to give me your identity, your connection to Kim Possible, and your reason for being here," the woman said.
Hrm. She was VERY efficient. "Mr. Dr. James Possible," he found himself saying. "Kimmie-cub's father. This is my house. I, uh, live here. This is my kitchen table. I'm having my morning coffee."
"Can I see some ID?"
"Now look here miss - whoever you are - "
"That's on a need-to-know basis. Until I can verify your identity, you don't need to know."
Grumbling, Mr. Dr. Possible fished out his wallet and handed it over. The woman scanned his driver's license. "Okay, you're clear. My name is Shego, sir. I'm your daughter's bodyguard."
He blinked. "Kimmie-cub has a bodyguard?"
"Is Kimmie-cub another name for your daughter?"
"Then yes, she does."
"And, er, how long will you be working for her?"
"It's an open-ended engagement."
He snapped his fingers. "You're that circus girl!"
"I worked for a clown, yes."
Mr. Dr. Possible was perplexed. Since when did Kim need a bodyguard? She'd always taken care of herself before. "Why are you working for Kim?"
"There are a lot of dangerous people out there, sir," Shego said. "Your daughter's made a lot of enemies. What if someone were to attack while she was sleeping? While at school? I'm here to make sure that doesn't happen."
"Er, well, yes, that does make sense."
"I'm also here to protect her from the unwanted advances of boys. Teenage boys are pigs. You can never be too careful."
"My God! So you're also here to make sure Kimmie-cub doesn't - "
"Park? Canoodle? Engage in hanky-panky? Lock lips? Swap spit? Yes."
"Even with Ronald?"
"Especially with Ronald."
"What do you charge?"
"Nothing, except for a small service Kim will provide me from time to time. Nothing onerous or illegal, I assure you."
"Would you be interested in making your open-ended arrangement a lifetime contract instead?"
Shego smiled. "Maybe."
It was at this moment that Mrs. Dr. Possible came in. "Mmm, coffee smells wonderful, dear," she said before she saw Shego. Her reaction time was much better than her husband's.
Shego looked at her. "Can I see some ID?"
"Kimmie-cub's new bodyguard. I heartily approve."
Anne Possible looked at her husband, then at Shego. "Kimmie! Would you mind coming downstairs!"
"I'm not finished getting dressed, Mom!"
"It can wait!"
Anne continued looking at Shego. "Do you have an optical condition?"
"They're regulation. Will you be identifying yourself at some point?"
Kim came in, dressed except for her shoes and socks. "What's the - Shego!"
"I'm going to need your itinerary for the week, Kim," Shego said. "You'll have to clear all future plans with me. You never know when you'll be walking into a security risk."
"Shego," Kim repeated, shifting from surprised to confused. "What the hell is this?"
"You didn't tell me you'd hired a bodyguard, Kimmie," James said.
Kim's head snapped towards him. "A what?"
"A bodyguard. I found her in the kitchen when I came down. By the way, how DID you get in here?"
"You don't need to know," Shego said.
"Shego, what are you doing here?" Kim asked.
"Protecting? ME? From what?"
Shego put her paper down and began counting fingers. "Professor Dementor. Duff Killagan. DNAmy. Senor Senior Senior. Gemini. Frugal Lucre. Camille Leon - "
"Boys," James said.
"I did not hire Shego to be my bodyguard!"
"I have a signed contract," Shego said. "Are you asking me to break my contract?"
"I didn't sign anything!"
"Never said it was signed by you."
"Dad - "
"Now, now, Kimmie-cub, I think it's an excellent idea. I expect you to keep your new bodyguard with you at all times for as long as necessary." Which, he didn't add, was about seventy years.
"Mom!" Kim said, appealing to a higher power.
"May I see this contract?" Anne asked Shego.
Kim put her hands over her face.
Shego handed some papers over to Kim's mother, who began scanning them. "Kimmie, according to this contract, Shego is agreeing to be your employee. She'll be working for you, for free," she said, emphasizing the last four words.
Kim paused. "Shego works for me now?"
"Well, if you sign this, then yes. But - "
Snatching it from her mother's hands, Kim grabbed a pen from a nearby pencil jar and signed the bottom of the contract. "You work for me now, Shego. So get out of my house."
"Keep reading, Kim," Shego replied. "I don't have to follow any orders that could conceivably interfere with my duties protecting you. I think me leaving the building while you're still home qualifies."
Kim gritted her teeth and began rereading the contract in full.
"I'll need to see Kim's room," Shego told her mother. "So I can evaluate any security risks. Perhaps Kim could show me?"
Kim gave Shego a look of pure death. "My room! You're not - "
"I'll find it on my own if I have to. The contract gives me free use of your house so I can detect any flaws in your security system."
"Well, honey, this is why you shouldn't interrupt your mother."
Grumbling, Kim grabbed Shego out of her chair. "Come on."
Kim's parents watched them leave. "This is the best money I'll never spend," James said, wiping away a tear.
Upstairs Kim stopped and shoved Shego against a wall. "What do you think you are DOING? And what's this bit about Renumeration? I have to fight you once a week!"
Shego grinned. "It's like I told Warmonga, Pumpkin. Destroying you is MY job. Not anybody else's. And you live very dangerously. If I don't keep an eye on you all the time, how do I know one of your other enemies won't defeat you before I do?"
"Before you do? What makes you think you WILL?"
"That contract. We fight once a week, every week, my decision when and where, until I destroy you. Fifty-two chances a year? For X number of years? Face it, Kimmie. The odds are in my favor." Shego's grin got wider. "Now let's go check out your bedroom."
Kim's eyes narrowed and she clenched a fist.
"A-ah-ah, Cupcake. I don't want to fight. And you don't want to have an employee lawsuit on your hands."
"I should have left you on that spaceship."
"Hah! Like you had a choice."
"And I order you to call me Kim, not Cupcake!"
"Eh, all right, you got me. Under the contract I'll have to comply with that, KIM." Shego walked past Kim into her bedroom. "Now, I need to evaluate how safe you are when you go to sleep every night . . . " Her eyes caught something on the bed. "Curled up with your Cuddle Buddy."
Kim narrowed her eyes. One of them was going to break this contract, and it was NOT going to be her.
A/N - Inspired by "Mad Dogs and Aliens", obviously. If being the one to "destroy Kimmie" is so darn important to her, then she would need to pay closer attention. And Shego could conceivably find herself no longer working for Drakken after "Graduation" if he goes legit. So she has a lot of free time on her hands. Also indirectly inspired by Gene Starwind and Twilight Suzuka from "Outlaw Star".
The title is borrowed from the movie of the same name starring Tom Berenger and Mimi Rogers.
I can't say if this would've been Kigo or not. I had no idea at the time. All I know is that both women would probably spend a lot of time thinking of ways to use the contract provisions against each other. At first that was entertaining, and then it got . . . dark. I started thinking of the ways this "relationship" gave each control over the other, and how that control could become twisted, and eventually lead to one or the other suffering serious physical or psychological harm. So I walked away.
Still, I say that "Yes, I worked for a clown" is one of the funniest one-liners I've ever written.