Hold Your Breath After Earthquakes and Rain - Chapter 1

On a windy day, I saw her standing there,
Underneath the jacaranda tree.
With purple blossoms in her hair,
Amidst a purple sea

~ Juan Olivarez ~

„I can't do this anymore. Call me, when you grew up."

She supposed that this was a wake up call for her, considering this sentence swirled in her head the last few days. The problem was that she never had to take anything too serious, because someone always helped her out or took over for her. It was easy to play dumb, to be honest. But what it actually caused was not so clear for her before, as it was made clear three days ago when her only - and by now - last friend quit the friendship.

This sentence was said in such a cold way that it felt like a car driving into her forehead and spinning her around until all her limbs fell to the sky. Her first instinct was to laugh and call him ridiculous, then her eyes locked with his and the way he guarded his gaze. Something inside her snapped and broke.

The sound of the cold voice was accompanied with the scraping of the wooden chair, as the person stood up from the table on which they were seated in the small and home-y café. Numb and without a clue how to react she just saw the back of Mike's body, his shoulders slumped in defeat and his head hung low as he retreated.

It was like the time slowed down, the only noise existing were her shallow breathing and the ring of the bell as the door closed behind him, she couldn't even concentrate on the chatter of the few people at the approximately twenty tables that were in this café. Nor could she decipher what the waitress asked her, standing before her with a friendly, but slightly confused face. She could only imagine how she must look like. Sunken in herself, no body structure recognizable and her eyes as empty as her brain often felt.

"Miss?"

She blinked. It was real. It has to be, she never experiences blinking in her dreams, and so this has to be reality.

"Miss?!"

"I'm sorry," she coughed and shook lightly her head, still dazed and overwhelmed.

"I asked if I can bring you something else?"

She furrowed her brows and swallowed two or three times, feeling as if her intestines would escape any minute. "No, thank you…" she managed to whisper and immediately focused her gaze on the half empty tea cup in front of her. At least this made sense. The tea made sense; it was there and would be there as long as she needed it. It would only change place if she decided to drink it, or throw it away. Although why she would throw it away didn't make sense. In the end she had the power to leave the tea behind and let it be forgotten. Yet knowing how it felt to be left behind she couldn't do it, even if the object of her thought were just tea in a cup.

Now sitting in front of her open – and very much dark - fridge with nothing inside it she felt as empty as this metal case. The coldness of the floor crept up her skin and into her bones and the darkness around her brought nightmares into her mind. The electricity was turned off because she forgot again to pay her rent and she didn't leave her bed for the last days, except to go to the toilet or order take out. Inevitably she missed the last warning letter. It was not like she could hide in her apartment, it was merely big enough to twirl yourself in this small room, which combined living, sleeping and cooking space. The other room was the tiny bathroom with the damaged shower curtain which she always has to tie to the wall, so the floor doesn't get too wet. Doesn't matter.

Normally Mike would have pointed it out to her, thrown her out of bed and gave her a pep talk. She still couldn't believe he left her, although it surprised her that he held onto her for so long. She admired him for that, but couldn't escape the thought of pity for him having faith in her when she gave up such a long time ago. Every day was for her a new struggle, and some days she gave up completely, never leaving the bed.

For the first time in years she felt the despair and especially the tears creeping up her throat. She was so angry, angry and tired at the same time. A sob escaped her lips. She tried to keep it in with her hand pressed onto her mouth, but she could feel the tears cascading down her fingers, tripling over her wrist. Another sob followed and she could no longer control the roll of emotions which overtook her body. She shook with each new breath and new thought that plagued her mind. She was alone, utterly and completely. She was 24 years old and nothing to show for her, no steady income, no friends, no partner and in a few days she wouldn't even have a home according to the eviction letter taped onto her front door.

In between the suffocating from hyperventilating and the tears the only thought that came up circled around the question how it could come this for with her.

"Hey," she heard a voice next to her which was laced with confusion but also indignation. Scared out of her skin she let go of the lavender colored flowers and looked up with her big eyes towards the voice. In front of her stood a girl with hair that could only be described as a wild mane of dark brown curls. With the years she will learn to describe the color of the hair as a dark rich chocolate (among many other descriptions). For now she only knew dark brown.

"What are you doing?" her hair flew everywhere the minute she stomped with her left foot onto the ground and stood with her hands on her hips, the red dress so fitting for her skin color, wrinkling in all the wrong places.

"N-Nothing" she replied mumbling and felt like she did something wrong. She never liked doing something wrong and thinking about being too stupid to make something right brought tears into her eyes.

Obviously it startled the other girl as she loose posture and her brown eyes widened largely. "Don't cry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be mean," she spoke fast and came closer.

This little girl picked up the purple bloom and first put it into her hair and then proceeded to stick a bloom behind the blond of her own. Her fingers grazed softly her cheeks and she immediately forgot about her thoughts.

"Thanks," she whispers to the little girl, who could not be much older than her, she assumed.

"Look," the other girl exclaimed, „we are now bloom buddies!" and both started to giggle.

"My name is Brittany," she whispered as if it was a secret. In the same voice the other girl replied "I'm Santana."

Over the years she learns as much as she can about Santana, the different ways her eyes would express her emotions with just a different nuance of her eye color and so many more things. And over the years she would learn to forget about the things she knows about Santana, till she will remain only a memory.

A/N: Hello dear reader folk. I started a lot of fan fics attempts and never quite knew where to go. This story is different though. It hits close to home in the regard that some things that I will address in this story were or are important for me right now. So in the big scheme of things I have the story figured out and what will happen.

And I have to warn you. This is not a story about love or about Brittana. It is a rocky story about Brittany, who will definitely hit bottom in the next few chapters and work through her problems.

I will mostly make this story canon, but will also include headcanon in this fanfic. I had a lot of problems deciding the title of the story. Obviously the Jacaranda Tree plays a part in this story, but will not be a main theme. The name of the story holds for me the closest meaning of what our journey together with Brittany will be. And I don't even know how many chapters it's gonna be. I will be as surprises as you ;)

Two things that are important to me:

1) I am not a native English speaker and will apologize in advance for mistakes. If the mistakes are sooooo cruel I would appreciate it, if you can point it out to me.

2) I am working really hard on making the story realistic. Like I said the big story points are worked out and I am not a fan of the author changing the story so everyone will love it, BUT if you have the feeling - along the way - something is terribly amiss in this mess I want to create, please point it out (via message or via here in the reviews)

Soooo, in the end. Thank you for reading. I will update the first chapters fairly fast in the next few days and after that I will have to see how often I will update.

Enjoy!