Ice and Darkness Omake: Return to Mahora
Naruto blinked stupidly as the blinding light finally died away.
"The heck?" He asked, a bit dazed by the strange environment surrounding him.
"Huh, weird." Eva admitted, her head titling curiously. "A summoning?"
"Master!" A slightly panicked voice exclaimed from somewhere to their left.
Eva paused, her eye suddenly twitching dangerously as she began to slowly turn around and face the owner of that voice.
"Boya? Is that you?"
Naruto felt his mouth drop open, as he realized that Eva actually knew these people. As in: they were probably back in Mahora, where she'd originally been sealed by the Thousand Master.
"Master!" Negi confirmed, looking horribly revealed, and yet somehow also managing to look terrified.
Apparently, the kid could see that Eva wasn't in a pleasant mood, and was appropriately worried over being selected as a target for her displeasure.
Not even Naruto was foolish enough to piss off Eva unless necessary. Like, giving the two of them a good reason for amazing make-up sex, or because he thought she was really cute whenever she snarled angrily and leapt for his throat.
Admittedly, most people thought that Naruto's reasons for pissing her off were beyond stupid, but he was used to being considered an idiot. Even if he was technically a super-idiot.
Then Eva started to laugh. A slightly deranged cackle that would've made any and all small woodland creatures in the area run and hide.
That was the moment that Naruto realized something.
"Fuck!" He cursed. "I was one year off! One year off from beating the old man's record! One year! You fucking wankers! Send me back! I'm not settling for second longest mandate! No way! I'm immortal! I won't lose to some wrinkled old bastard!"
"Umm... who are you?" Some redheaded girl with bells in her hair asked him.
Naruto froze, staring at her red hair with an expression of horror. "No..." He moaned pathetically. "Not another redhead... Why must there always be redheads?"
"Oi! What's wrong with being a redhead!?" The girl demanded indignantly.
"Naruto. How long do you think it would take you to overthrow a government and change the legal system into accepting Evil contracts?" Eva asked with an almost absent air.
Naruto turned to glare at his lover. "No. No way in hell. I'm not driving through a law like that ever again. Do you have any idea what kind of shit I got for that law the first time around?" He nearly spat out.
"They got over it." Eva waved his protests away.
Naruto was suddenly assaulted by the memory of being forced to walk through Konoha wearing nothing but a giant sign around his neck saying 'kick me, throw stuff at me, I'm a complete and utter moron, I deserve it'.
He suppressed a shudder. "How did Sasuke even arrange for there to be fish-pies on sale for the entire way?"
"He was always good with planning things." Eva reminded him with a negligent shrug.
Naruto suddenly smiled. "Heh. He didn't see that marriage law coming though." He grinned evilly.
Eva shook her head in exasperation as she realized exactly what law he was thinking about. There was only really one marriage law that could incite such a gleeful response from the blond.
The law allowing polygamy if all parties were willing, being also oddly specific about what kind of relationship was necessary between the ones seeking to marry in such a way.
Basically, Naruto had written a law that stated that a person known as 'Sasuke Uchiha' and fulfilling numerous criteria that only he did – such as having had a large percentage of his clan executed for the good of Konoha by another clan member – could marry several women – the exact number being one that he'd interviewed the women formerly of class 2-A on – as long as they'd both seen each other in the nude – which by then, pretty much all of them had since they ambushed him in the shower sometimes.
So, yes, Naruto had taken away the only real defense Sasuke had against the girls trying so enthusiastically to get into his pants. And the bastard hadn't even noticed it until it was too late for him to do anything but grit his teeth and buy some rings.
Apparently, the jeweler gave him a discount on those since he ended up buying them in bulk.
By now, their audience was even more confused, but Naruto didn't particularly care, because now he was actually in a good mood.
"So, this is Mahora then?" He looked around at the place that his wife of so many years had hated so passionately.
"Who are you?" The redheaded girl asked again, glaring at him. "The spell was only supposed to bring Eva back."
Naruto twitched, a little bit annoyed at the thought that if these people's plan had turned out right, he would've been separated from his wife. "I'm Naruto Uzumaki. Her husband." He told the girl bluntly.
Their reaction was, from what he'd heard of Eva and her school-days, perfectly understandable.
"He kind of reminds me of Sasuke, actually." Naruto admitted to himself as he stared at the flustered boy-teacher trying to keep his crazy students in line.
"Well, they did both start teaching from a rather early age, they're both highly intelligent, they've both suffered tragedies in their youth, and they're both in serious risk of getting stripped by their respective students." Eva shrugged.
"Yeah... but this kid is polite." Naruto shook his head, slightly awed at such a thing coming from someone with so many parallels to his old teammate.
Eva paused, considering this for a moment as she compared the idea of 'being polite' to everything she knew about the man called 'Sasuke Uchiha'.
Then she started to laugh.
Because the idea of Sasuke being polite to anyone without having a scheme in mind to use their goodwill for something that he wanted for himself... well, it just didn't really compute. There was a big 'error'-sign flashing across her train of thought as she attempted to visualize how that could be possible.
"I know, right?" Naruto threw an amused smile at her from where he was obviously trying and failing to imagine similar things.
"Gesundheit." His daughter answered happily.
"Stupid dobe, I bet this is somehow related to him." The father of more than a dozen children muttered grumpily as his nose tingled in the after-shocks of the sneeze.
"At least you didn't get stuck being Hokage." His daughter reminded him of the only bright spot in the idiot's disappearance.
Okay, technically not the only bright spot. He didn't have to startle awake to the sound of an exploding house in the middle of the night, because the two super-powered assholes couldn't fight during noon like normal people.
Konohamaru had revealed that a note had been left behind, stating that Sasuke was never allowed to wear the Hat, because he'd ruin the awesomeness of it with his stupid-looking duck-hair, and that Konohamaru was only to be allowed to wear the Hat if he was capable of getting off his ass and actually confess to the girl he'd been crushing on for half a decade.
Hanabi had blushed as red as her elder sister when Konohamaru had declared that Naruto was being an ass and trying to take credit for shit, since he'd already been planning on doing it because he wanted the girl to know that he loved her, and that if someone tried to give him the Hat for something like this, he'd lit them on fire.
It should perhaps be noted that in a move of unusual foresight or – more likely – sheer dumb luck, Konohamaru managed to make this romantic threat of fire in the presence of the girl in question. The girl who also happened to be a bit of a closet pyromaniac.
She'd convinced her father to draw up an engagement contract by the next day.
The two of them actually had lit the first person who asked Konohamaru to be Hokage on fire. More out of the principle of the thing than any actual spite. They'd agreed with the second person, after all, and he'd been given the Hat in a proper ceremony before the end of the week.
Sakura had been reported as telling the victim of the burning to 'walk it off, you big crybaby', which did indeed sound like something that she would've said. There were also reports saying that he would make a full recovery, despite the horrible state that he'd been on arrival – mostly thanks to the fact that Sakura had actually returned to aid the patient some time later with a dazed grin and an unusually cheerful disposition.
Kakashi had been noted to have been casually threatening Itachi with severe bodily harm, if his 'indiscretions' caused any future problems for his favorite student, but Sasuke tried not to think too much about that part of things.
He really didn't need to know about his brother's sex-life.
All in all, with the exception of the sudden decrease in explosions, noise-complaints, and random missives from other Villages and a whole slew of civilians alike, saying things like 'please, please, oh god please, revoke the Law of Evil Contracts', things had settled down to be much like it'd been when Naruto had been the Hokage.
Though obviously, just to spite them, Hanabi had upon receiving all those missives, written a contract of her own, stating that she was allowed to lit such requests on fire, and that if the messengers holding the missives happened to be caught in the flames, then that was a terrible shame but of no actual consequence.
The missives stopped shortly after that, though Konohamaru could often be seen cheerfully paying Yamato for missions to make wood-clones and send them in with just those kinds of requests, mostly in an effort to keep the girl of his dreams entertained.
Sasuke considered it rather romantic, for him to provide her with stuff to light on fire, whilst at the same time admiring his efficiency in providing Yamato with some comfortable C- and D-Rank missions in the sudden lull he was experiencing now that he wasn't endlessly tasked to repair the woods surrounding the Uzumaki home.
His wives considered it a perfect example of what their daughters should look for in a man.
Sasuke however, had met Hiashi enough to know that the man was nearly frothing at the mouth at the two's loving relationship, and could honestly say that if his own daughters ever picked a boy that caused that amount of stress for him as a father, then Sasuke would be having words about their relationship, regardless of how romantic they were being.
Iruka usually just smirked and called him adorably overprotective whenever he mentioned that.
"No. I refuse." Eva rejected him.
"Oh come on. It's just a little meeting, I promise I won't do anything drastic?" Naruto pleaded.
"No. I don't care what you say. You're never allowed to meet him. Ever!" She hissed back at him.
"What about that guy underneath the tree?" He tried a different approach.
"Not him either! None of them! All of Ala Rubra is forbidden!" Eva declared fiercely.
"But I just want to learn more about your life here." Naruto tried to reason with his wife.
"No, you're trying to find blackmail material on me. And I won't let you." Eva growled.
Naruto clucked his tongue, vaguely annoyed at being so easily seen through. "Fine."
He'd have to find someone to distract her for him before he met up with the Ala Rubra to exchange Eva-stories.
He'd heard rumors of one of those stories involving cat-ears and an adorable nickname, and there was no way that he was going to let this opportunity slip through his fingers!
A/n: There were a lot of reviewers who wanted to see them returning to Mahora. Unfortunately, I couldn't figure out when they were supposed to return (it felt wrong to infringe upon Negi's arcs of awesomeness with Naruto's unstoppable-ness), so I had to write something a little bit disjointed from the time-line.
Hopefully, it wasn't a total let-down.