If you want to listen to the audiobook, here's the address: (www) youtubecom/ watch?v=Tq3aucqugnY
A Video Ohima Project
And From The Mind Of Chris King Brings You...
METAL GEAR SOLID: LOGIC FUCKER
Soviet Union... The Year Was 1776... Err, I mean 1964, my bad.
Naked Snake was running across the bridge in Dolinovodno, when all of a sudden, he gets caught by a muscular Russian guard.
Russian Guard: I'm going to break you until you are broken.
He then grabs Snake, lifts him up, and shouts:
Russian Guard: Back Breaker From Hell!
The Russian guard throws Snake to his knees, breaking his spine.
Out of nowhere, The Boss arrives from the scene with a nuclear warhead.
Boss: Damn, son! You broke his back.
The Boss then lifts Snake from the bridge and attempts to throw him off the bridge.
Snake: No, no, no, no, no!
The Boss then throws Snake off the bridge. Snake then screams from the top of his lungs, and slams onto a boulder.
Snake then falls into the river, with it carrying his unconscious body. Once Snake submerges from the river, he wakes up in pain, and he calls Major Tom, whimpering for help.
Snake: Major! I need to fix my back. It's broken.
Major Tom: Don't ask me, you wanka! Ask Para-Medic!
Major Tom: No "buts"! Now piss off!
Snake then calls Para-Medic, and Para-Medic replies in a seductive tone.
Para-Medic: Hi Snake. How can I help you?
Snake: Para-Medic, how do I fix my back?
Para-Medic: Go climb a tree, jump off it, and land on the log. Right next to it.
Snake: Okay. Seems legit.
Snake then takes Para-Medic's advice to adjust his back by climbing up the tree, jumps off it with little amount of strength. He misses the log and rolls down a hill, grunting angrily.
Snake: Hert hert hert hert hert! Why is this happening to me?
Snake once again breaks his back, but a lot worse, and whimpers in pain. Just then, the very same Russian that broke Snake's back spots Snake again.
Russian Guard: I thought I broke you.
After the guard does another Back Breaker From Hell, Snake began to scream panic-like grunts.
Snake: Hert! Hert! Hert! Hert! Hert! Why do you hate me, Maaaaaaaaaaa?
Snake's Ma: I told Jack not to join the military, but did he listen? Nooooooooooooooo.
Snake quickly takes a fake death pill, shitting his pants, with the Russian kicking him away, saying:
Russian Guard: AW! He smells like dead asshole.
Then he leaves the scene. Snake revives himself, screaming in agony.
He then notices that he had defecated his pants.
Snake: Aw, dammit! I've done shit myself!
One clean up later...
Snake: Okay! Let's give this another go.
Snake makes another attempt, having to crawl his way back to the tree where he fell from. Snake misses again, and once more he rolls down the hill.
Snake: This is fucking bullshit!
Before the third attempt, Snake attempts to push the log closer with a little amount of strength. With no success, he calls a deer for assistance.
Snake: Help me, woodland creature! I need your help.
What Snake does not know is that it's a male deer. It then charges at Snake, shoving the antlers up his ass, with Snake screaming out grunts.
Though despite the pain he is going through, he successfully pushes the log to the right spot.
Snake: Get your antler outta my ass!
Snake climbs the tree and jumps off of it for the third time.
Snake: Okay, here I go! And I'm freeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Free faaaaaaaaaaaalling.
Snake finally lands on the log with his back. Snake then sheds a manly tear.
Snake: Totally worth it.
After successfully landing on the log, though still in pain, Snake is hungry due to the fact that it took him 20 hours for him to adjust his back. He finds a dead deer, eats the dead carcass, and then somehow hallucinates to something called "The Snaketrix", though really it's Metal Gear for the MSX2.
Snake: Where the fuck am I?
Big Boss: You're in The Snaketrix.
Snake: The what-trix?
Big Boss: The Snaketrix, you dumbass.
Snake: Why do I look like something out of a NES game?
Big Boss: Because this how the world really is. Listen, Snake, you need to save Gray Fox, then you can leave.
Snake: Seems legit. I'll do it.
Big Boss: Good luck!
Snake leaves to save Gray Fox. On his way he finds a gun, key cards, missiles, and hounds.
Snake: Wait, what?
The hounds then notice Snake, and they start to growl with foam coming from their mouths, then begin to bark their brains out despite not being programmed with one.
The hounds start to chase Snake.
Snake: Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit! Why does this keep happening to me?
Snake takes out his remote-controlled missile launcher and aims at the hounds.
Snake: Missile, use Explosion!
He shoots the missile at the group of hounds, setting an explosion so loud despite that hardly anyone but Snake can hear.
That was super effective! Snake's Missile gains 5000 EXP! Missile levels up to 100! Snake gains $20 Bucks.
Snake: Now time to find Gray Fox!
Snake searches the rooms for Gray Fox, but could only find hostages.
Male Hostage: Help!
Snake: Nope, not Fox.
Male Hostage: Prick!
Snake leaves the room and searches in the next room.
Female Hostage: Help me, and I will offer you sex.
Snake: Dammit! This isn't Gray Fox either.
Snake leaves the room, but realizes he was about to pass up free sex.
Snake: Wait... There was a fine-ass chick and I'm about to pass that up?
Big Boss: Snake, don't be queer and go tap that!
Snake makes a perverted smile and replies:
Snake: Time to go tap that ass!
Activate Hot Sex Sequence!
10 to 20 minutes later, Snake breathes heavily after having sex with the female hostage.
Female hostage: Damn, you were amazing! I'll just get your number and... Now guys!
Out of nowhere, the guards come out of their hiding spots.
Guards: Get the dumb fucker!
Snake: What the fuck?
They pin Snake to the ground, grabbed a hold of Snake's arms, and lift him to his feet.
Snake: You two-timing whore! I should've just left you to die.
Female hostage: Silly man! I will kick your dick into an oblivion! Bitch Style Dick Kick From Hell!
The female hostage kicks Snake in the groin.
Snake: Heeeeerrrrrt! Why... Does... Everyone... Hate me so?
Snake is unable to fight! Snake blacks out! Snake goes to prison!
Hours later, Snake wakes up near an unknown stranger.
Snake: Where am I? Am I in heaven?
Stranger: Nope. Prison.
Snake: THAT FUCKING BITCH!
Stranger: Hey, you're not the only one who got screwed by her, man!
Snake: Tell me about it. Hey, are you Gray Fox?
Gray Fox: Yep. That's me.
Snake: Yes! I can now leave! Wait... Why am I still here? Why am I still FUCKING here?
Gray Fox: Because you haven't learned the truth.
Snake: What truth?
Gray Fox: That there is no logic.
Snake: No logic? So that means I can do anything?
Gray Fox: Yes Snake. You have the power!
Snake: I have the power!
Snake makes a transformation similar to He-Man, but only it's...
Gray Fox: Now go, Snake! You must defeat the Russian Guard!
Snake: Wait, what about that two-timing bitch?
Gray Fox: Don't worry about her. I gave her AIDS.
Snake: You what?
Gray Fox: Don't worry about that, Snake. You need to wake up!
Snake: No! I still have questions.
The Snaketrix begins to fade in white.
Snake leaves The Snaketrix, and wakes up from his hallucination.
Snake: I'm awake... Dammit! I'm still in pain.
The Pain: Did someone "PAIN"?
Snake: Get out of here, you Bug-Fucker!
The Pain: Okay.
Snake: Now to call my team.
Snake tries calls his team, yet no one responds. Snake calls out again, but to no avail. He calls again, yet no one answers.
Snake: Answer me! Did The Patriots win the Super Bowl? Answer Me!
Elsewhere, Major Tom ignores Sigint who tells them they should help Snake since he is a good guy (and Snake's home-dog), yet Tom believes that Snake is dead.
Sigint: Major, Snake has been trying reach us. He needs our help.
Major Tom: No, Sigint! That pussy-ass bitch is dead. Say, Sigint... How would you like to be Big Black Boss!
Sigint: Aww hell naw! You did not just say that! I decline, you racist fuck!
Major Tom: Okay. Para-Medic, how you like to be Big Boss Medic?
Para-Medic: Major, I have no combat skills. Plus, I know Snake's out there alive. We need to save my loveÐ Er... I mean my "friend".
Major Tom: Fine! We'll see if that wanka is still alive or not.
Meanwhile, Snake talks to a Russian coconut since he ate a small piece of the deer carcass 3 hours ago.
Snake: Wilson... I have no regrets. If I die now, I'd be okay with it.
Then a helicopter arrives, and Major Tom gets out of it and approaches Snake.
Major Tom: Snake, good news. We're going patch you right up.
Snake: Go away, you talking butt-fairy!
Major Tom: I believe the boy has gone daft. No Snake. I'm not a butt-fairy. I'm Major Tom.
Snake then regains his sanity and shouts at Tom for being a dick.
Snake: Huh? What the hell? What took you so long?
Major Tom: Never mind that. Snake, it's time for a robotic surgery sequence!
Snake: Wait? What the fuck?
Activate Very Painful Robotic Surgery Sequence
Snake: HEEEEEEEERRRRRT! HEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRT! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Major Tom: Snake! Don't die on me! Snake? SnaaaaaaaaaaaaaÐ Oh! He's still breathing! Continue the painful surgery!
Snake: Mother of God! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! HEEEEERRRRRRRRRT!
A week later, Major Tom is renamed to Major Zero, and Snake sports a robotic suit and the bandanna that he stole from The Boss when she threw him in the river and an eyepatch because it looks cool.
Major Zero: Okay, now get your ass back to Russia and out of my sight!
Snake: I fucking hate you! I hope you die later on in this story!
Snake returns to the Soviet Union as quickly as he can by running on top of the ocean, smashing through the forest, and shouting at the world.
Snake: There's no logic! Keyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-
Meanwhile, The Boss is standing on the bridge where she threw Snake off of it and hears screaming from afar.
Faint Voice: -aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
Boss: What the fuck is that noise?
Then Snake jumps on the bridge, and wails like a fucking banshee.
Boss And Volgin: OH SHIT!
Snake then charges The Boss, going in for a booby kill with his robotic sword and starts stabbing The Boss like a murderous psychopath.
Activate Brutal Stabbing Sequence
Boss: Ow! Snake! You're stabbing me in the booby! You need therapy!
Snake kills The Boss in a fit of rage. Volgin tries to calm Snake down.
Volgin: You need calm down there, Pal.
Snake: Activate Shoulder Gun!
A machine gun comes out of Snake's robotic shoulder.
Volgin: Wait a sec-
Snake: THERE'S NO LOGIC!
Snake shoots Volgin into a crisp.
Volgin: No! I'm supposed to be gorgeoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooous!
Volgin's crisped body falls off a bridge and onto a random rock spike.
Snake: THERE'S NO LOGIC! IMMA FIRIN' MAH ROCKET!
Snake shoots a rocket launcher at the Shagohod, which then explodes, with Sokolov complaining about the logic behind it.
Sokolov: That is impossible! The Shagohod cannot be blown up by a mere missile! Unless... Could it be... That he is The Legendary Super Boss? No, that's not logical! I need to get the hell out of here.
The helicopter comes and Zero arrives to save Sokolov.
Major Zero: Need a lift, Sokolov?
Sokolov: Yes! I'm going back to America!
The very same Russian that broke Snake's back is then revealed to be the main antagonist.
Russian Guard: You're still alive? I will have to break you until you are broken!
Snake: Russian guard! Just like Gray Fox foretold of this battle, you're the main antagonist.
Russian Guard: Yes! Now I will break you until you are broken into tiny bits!
Snake: You fool! I will beat you in one-second!
Snake then lunges at the guard with his Charging Punch Attack, only for the armor to come off.
Snake: ... Shit...
Major Zero: By the way, Snake, your robotic armour sucks ass! Also, it was I that set this up from the very beginning. Oh and one more thing. You're on your own.
Snake is shocked to learn that Zero was evil the whole time, and Major Zero makes an evil laugh.
Major Zero: MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Snake: Why does everyone hate me so? Why, Ma? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?
Meanwhile, at Snakes Ma's house...
Snakes' Ma: I wished Jack would've listen to me about joining the military. Did he listen? Nope. It's his problem now.
Russian: Back Breaker From Hell! Break him until he's broken!
The guard proceeds to break Snake's back while he screams in panic.
Snake: HEEEERRRRRRRT! Why does everyone hate me?
And with that said, the Russian guard continuously attacks Snake's back. He releases Snake, and Snake then notices that the rocks are forming into spikes.
Snake: What? The rocks are forming into spikes?
So he finds his robotic sword and rushes to it.
Snake: If I cut these ropes, the bridge will fall, thus killing this bastard. It's so brilliant, it's stupid.
Snake cuts the rope and starts to laugh like a smartass.
Snake: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Welcome to Payback. Because Payback is a-
However, only half of the bridge collapses... Which Snake happens to be on.
Snake falls on the spikes and, miraculously, breaks his back.
Snake: Ah-oh... Why does everyone hate me so?
Snake then gets off the spike, and proceeds to climb the walls to the other side of the bridge.
Snake: Climbing walls sucks.
Activate Boring Climb Sequence
Snake: This is soooooooo borrrrrrrrrrrrrring! Can't we just skip this shit?
Voice of God: Nope.
Snake: Screw the rules! There's no logic!
Activate The Hyper "Fuck This Shit" Sequence
Snake: Fuck yeah, SNAKE-KING!
Snake runs to the other side of the bridge to start his final battle with the Russian guard.
Snake: I'm back to kick your ass!
Russian Guard: You're still not broken? I'll have to break you even more until you are broken.
Snake smirks with an idea in his head.
Snake: Oh! I'm in so much "pain" right now!
The Pain: Did someone say "PAI-"
Snake then snaps The Pains neck and takes away his Tommy gun.
Snake: Nice Tommy gun. I'll take that thanks.
Snake fires at the Russian guard, with smoke coming from the gun.
Snake: HUHUUUHUUUUHUUUHUUUHUUUUUHUUUUH! DIE, YOU SUNVABIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!
As the smoke clears, the Russian guard does not appear to be harmed.
Russian Guard: My turn!
Russian Guard: Russian Punch!
The guard punches Snake, with red and yellow lightning coming from his fist, sending shock waves in a 10 mile radius, sending Snake flying and smashing trees and rocks. As Snake lands, barely even alive, the Russian guard approaches the nearly dead American soldier, and as the almighty Russian approaches, Snake hears a familiar voice in his head.
Voice of Gray Fox: Snake. Remember. There's no logic. Remember. Who you are.
Snake: Fox. I... I remember that you gave that two-timing whore AIDS and passed it to me!
Gray Fox's Voice: No Snake. I did not, because in The Snaketrix, logic and reason do not exist. So you don't have AIDS.
Snake smiles in relief that he does not have AIDS, and begins to mutter.
Russian Guard: Who the fuck where you talking to?
Snake: There's no logic...
Russian Guard: What?
Snake Shouts: I said, "THERE'S NO LOGIC!"
Then the song from the Fist of the North Star movie, called "Heart of Madness", kicks in.
Snake: This ends now! Hokuto Snake-ken: Hundred Crack Snake Fist!
Russian Guard: The what now?
Snake then throws a barrage of punches on the guard, being able to finally hurt him.
Russian Guard: Da da da da da da da da da!
The attack was so strong that it was able to send the Russian guard flying to the broken half of the bridge. The former-masculine Russian stands on his feet, though he is about to fall off the bridge. Snake approaches him with enough balls.
Russian Guard: This is madness!
Snake: Madness? No! THIS! IS! AMERICA!
Snake then kicks the Russian with a Big Boot off the edge.
Russian Guard: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The Russian guard then impales onto the spikes. Snake pulls out his grenade.
Snake: Burn in hell with this big fucking grenade attack!
Snake drops the grenade, and it explodes all over the guard's body, and the explosion sends Snake flying.
Snake lands near a river.
Snake: I did it... Heh heh... And I'm unharmed too.
Over at the river, another familiar voice calls for Snake. It is none other than Para-Medic.
Snake: Para-Medic? Aww, dammit!
Para-Medic: What was that Snake?
Snake: Nothing. Anyway, why are you here? I thought you work for that PRICK Major Zero?
Para-Medic: Me and Sigint decided to quit because he was fucking evil. Also, we wanted to work with you instead, because you're a good guy, unlike the Major.
Snake: So does that mean you're here to save me?
Snake gets a super happy face.
Snake: "If" what?
Para-Medic: You have sex with me.
Snake then slowly becomes super unhappy, starts to sob quietly, and pulls out his fully loaded gun to kill himself. He pulls the trigger, but the gun would only click, making Snake break into tears.
Click. Click. Click.
Snake: Someone kill me...
Four guards come out of nowhere and surround Snake and Para-Medic.
Guard 1: Freeze! We will shoot!
Snake: Thank God! I can die!
Para-Medic screams at the top of her lungs. However, just as the guards were about to shoot Snake and Para-Medic, a mysterious man with a revolver aims at the guards.
Guard 1: Fi-
The mysterious man shoots the guard in the head.
Guard 2: What the-
The mysterious man shoots the other two before they could even blink.
Guard 4: What kind of bitchcraft is this? Never mind, take this!
Unknown Voice: Revolver Style: Revolver Shield No Logic Jutsu!
The bullets were deflected by the shield. Snake, having witness the exhilarating battle, is pissed since they were stopped from "saving" Snake from Para-Medic.
Snake: What the fuck? You asshole!
The last guard gasps in disbelief.
Guard 4: Who are you?
Ocelot: The name's Ocelot, and guess what?
The lone guard pisses in his pants.
Guard 4: What?
Ocelot: You're already dead!
The guard head begins to swell, as well as his neck and chest. The head cracks open to where the blood tinkles down to the guard's left shoulder and from the nose. The chest rips open and the eyes pop out. The guard screams in agony. He then explodes from the inside, with chunks of meat and organs scatter and half of the spinal cord is exposed, leaving a trail of violet red blood.
Ocelot puts away his revolvers and looks at the couple.
Ocelot: Are you guys okay?
Para-Medic blushes and giggles.
Para-Medic: We are now.
Ocelot: Okay. Hey, can I come with you guys?
Snake: Fuck no!
Ocelot: But my revolvers are awesome!
Para-Medic: Snake... Let him join.
And so, the trio set off to God-knows-where. Para-Medic then puts her hands behind her.
Para-Medic: Look what I got!
She reveals to have The Philosophers' Legacy.
Snake: The Philosopher's Stone! Er... I mean, The Philosophers' Legacy! But where'd you get it?
Para-Medic: Oh... I found it on The Boss' dead body. It was in her booby area!
Snake makes a Hank Hill "bwah" sound.
Snake: Did you touch her boobies? Were they big and soft? Heh heh...
Para-Medic becomes furious at Snake.
Para-Medic: You pervert!
Para-Medic smacks Snake.
Moments later, Para-Medic makes a suggestion to Snake.
Para-Medic: Hey Snake. You can probably run on top of the sea, all the way to home.
Snake: Seems legit. Okay. Here I go!
Snake dives into the water. He merges from the water, lifting the boat with Para-Medic and Ocelot on it and runs on top of the sea at the speed of Sonic the Hedgehog. A big fucking shark then attacks Snake.
Big Fucking Shark: Oh happy day. A man I can eat today.
Snake: HEEEEEEEEEERRRRRT! WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE ME SO?
Snake struggles against the shark, while Ocelot believes that it could be an elaborate joke.
Ocelot: Hahaha! Snake is getting eaten by a big fucking shark! Hahahahahahahaha! Good one, Snake!
Para-Medic: I don't hate you, Snake!
Snake gets back on the boat, and is furious at Ocelot for laughing at his misery.
Snake: That wasn't funny, Ocelot!
Snake throws a punch at Ocelot.
Ocelot: OWWWW! That hurt! I'm going to bust your nuts!
Activate Slapstick Fight Sequence
Pow! Bam! Pow! Crunch! Splat (Pie-to-the-face)! Poke!
Just then, Para-Medic notices that they're heading for Cuba, since there is an offshore facility.
Para-Medic: Hey guys, look! We're heading for Cuba!
Snake has a bruise on his right eye and nearly three-fourths of his face is covered in pie.
Snake: Look, there's an abandoned facility. Let's make it as our new home.
They arrive in Cuba, and for some reason Snake's outfit went from a camouflage outfit to a white sweater, an orange ascot, and blue pants.
Snake: Okay, gang. Let's split up and look for clues. Ocelot, you and the talking dog go that way, and me and Para-Medic go this way.
Ocelot: Nooooo way!
Talking Dog: Ruh-uh. No rway.
Snake: Would you do it for a Calorie Mate and a talking dog snack?
Ocelot: Oh boy! Oh boy!
The talking dog steals the food.
The talking dog chuckles.
Talking Dog: Reheheheh...
After Snake splits up with Para-Medic, he asks Para-Medic.
Snake: Uh... Para-Medic?
Para-Medic: Yes, Snake? What is it?
Snake: Since this will be our new home...
Para-Medic: Yeah, Snake?
Snake kneels on one knee, takes out a ring box and opens it to reveal a diamond ring.
Snake: Para-Medic. Will you marry me?
Para-Medic smiles with tears in her eye and gleefully jumps and claps at the same time.
Para-Medic: Oh yes, yes, yes, Snake! I will! I mean... Yeah... Sure. All right.
Activate A Very Passionate Romantic Kiss.
Snake and Para-Medic kiss for 60 straight minutes.
Para-Medic: Oh, Snake, I'll call Sigint and tell him about the news and have him come live here at the facility.
Ocelot has tears in his eyes.
Ocelot: I love romantic moments.
Ocelot begins to weep of joy.
Activate Suspicious Phone Sequence
The phone rings and Sigint answers the phone.
Sigint: Para-Medic! How've you been?
Sigint: You and Snake gettin' married? It's about time you two settle together!
Sigint: Does Snake want me to join?
Sigint: Good. Hey, I have a friend who may be able to help us out.
Sigint: His name's Huey Emmerich. A weapons scientist who's workin' on The Enders Project.
Sigint: So he's lettin' Huey join in? Good. I'll let Huey know he's in. Oh, and thanks for the call... Mrs. Snake.
Sigint hangs up the phone.
Dun Dun Duuuunnnnnn!
One year later... Para-Medic is giving birth...
Snake: Push, Quack! Push!
Four babies come out of Para-Medic and fly at Snake.
The newborn babies hit Snake like rocks and one of them hits him in the balls.
Snake: HERT! HERT! HERT! HEEEEEERRRRRRRT!
Two days have past and the kids are now 10, with the other one being 12.
Snake: Ten hut! Fall in, brats!
The first son steps forward and smokes a cigarette.
Kid 1: I'm here, daddy!
He then blows out a smoke. Snake sheds a manly tear.
Snake: They grow up so fast... Kid 1, your name will be David.
David (Solid): Sweet.
The second son speaks with an English accent.
Kid 2: What's my name going to be, daddy?
Snake: What's wrong with your voice? It sounds lame. Therefore, your name will be Sean since you're boring.
Sean (Liquid) : Why do you hate me so, daddy?
Snake: Because of my Ma, Sean. Because of my Ma...
The third son, who unlike the others, is 12-years-old, yet he is more muscular than his siblings and already sports a beard.
Kid 3: What's my name?
Snake: It will be Gus, 'cause it fits you.
Gus: Why is my name "Gus" and not something normal, like "George"?
Snake: Would you like to be called "Dickshit" instead?
Dickshit: *sniff* No...
Para-Medic: Snake... Name him "George"!
Snake: Fine! His name is "George" now.
The fourth child is a cute little girl who is always cheerful.
Kid 4: So what's my name, daddy?
The daughter giggles.
Snake: Well... I'll name you after The Boss. I think it was Sarah or something...
Sarah: Yay! My name is Sarah!
Sarah giggles once more.
Para-Medic: Sarah is a beautiful name, Snake.
Sean: Daddy, why do you hate me and only love David? Is it because I have the lame genes while he has the good genes?
Snake: Well, if your jeans suck, we can go to that new suspicious store over there and buy you new ones.
Sean: Not those kinds of genes, daddy!
Snake and Sean go to the new store to buy some new jeans. Snake rings the bell and a suspicious store clerk merges from the desk.
Vamp: Oh! Customers! I "love" customers!
Snake: Hi. I'm here to buy some jeans for my son.
Sean: But, daddy. I keep telling you-
Snake: Sean, be quiet. Big kids are talking.
Vamp: Oh. Is that your son? I just love the innocences of a child.
Snake: Yup, he sure is my boy. Sort of.
Sean: Daddy. I think we should leave...
Snake: Sean. Men are talking.
Vamp: Well, there are some pants in the basement.
Vamp's eyebrows begin to bounce in a hilarious way.
Sean: I don't like were this is going, daddy...
All of the sudden, Snake is wearing a dress and has make-up on his face.
Snake: Sean. The women are talking.
Sean expresses shock to see his father dressed like a woman.
Sean: Dad? What happened?
Snake: What the hell?
Vamp feels uneasy now that a customer is wearing make-up for no reason.
Vamp: Okay... I'll just get your jeans and you can just get the hell out my store!
Vamp gives Sean some jeans that would be considered "badass". Snake and his son left the store and Sean puts on his new jeans.
Sean: I love my new jeans, daddy.
Snake: And now I love you.
Sean: Really, daddy?
Sean makes a tearful face.
Snake: Just playing. I love you the way you are.
Sean: This is the happiest day of my life.
Sean gains self-respect.
George: What about me?
Snake: You need to impress me before you can gain my love.
Meanwhile, Sigint calls Huey to convince him into joining Snake's crew. Huey answers the phone.
Huey: Sigint, my man! How've you been?
Huey: Really? I can join this Snake guy's group?
Huey: Can my family come too?
Huey: Okay. Peace, my brotha-from-anotha-motha!
Huey hangs up the phone.
Huey: Emma! Hal! Julie! Pack your shit! We're moving to Cuba!
Emma: Why are we going to Cuba?
Huey: Well... That was my old college room mate on the phone. He wants us to go to Cuba so we can join Snake's crew. Just thinking about him... Man, those were different times.
A flashback takes place. Huey and Sigint were in a college dorm room, smoking pot, and Huey for some reason has an afro.
Sigint: Why do we need this college shit anyway man?
Huey huffs a smoke.
Huey: I think it's for our minds to grow, man.
Huey blows the remaining smoke out of his mouth.
After the flashback, Huey remembers that there is no logic.
Huey: Hey, wait a minute. I forgot. There's no logic. I don't need this fucking wheelchair.
Huey gets off his wheelchair and kicks it.
Huey then strolls like a pimp.
Julie: Holy shit, it's a miracle! My husband is a pimp!
Elsewhere, in a prison, Zero approaches Roy Campbell, a 60-year old man, though he looks to be in his 20's or 30's, is keeping watch of the prisoners, and makes an offer.
Zero: Roy, I have an offer for you. How would you like to be "Big Boss Hoss"?
Roy Campbell: Zero, I'm too old for that shit.
Zero: Aww dammit!
An unknown white-haired boy comes up to the prisoners.
White-Haired Boy: Hi prisoners!
Zero then gets an idea.
Zero: Roy, I think I found someone worthy. He will be called "Jack the Ripper".
However, despite the name, Jack appears to be cute and innocent like.
Jack then spots a puppy.
Jack: Hi, mister Puppy! Hug the Puppy!
Roy Campbell: You can't be fucking serious...
Moments later, Zero forms The Zero Unit, consisting of children: Jack, Fortune, Rosemary, Gray Fox, Naomi, and Raven.
Zero: Okay, you filth. Listen up. On this day forth, you all are a part of The Zero Unit. Jack, your code name will be "Raiden".
Raiden: Seem legit.
Rosemary, a girl who is bat-shit crazy over Raiden and stares at him while he and The Major are talking.
Rose's Thoughts: Why doesn't he love me?
Naomi's Thoughts: Why doesn't Rose love me?
Raiden's Thoughts: I wonder if the Patriots won the super-bowl.
Major Zero's Racist Thoughts: I wonder if all black people like fried chicken.
Gray Fox's Thoughts: Zero, you racist fuck. I hope you die soon.
Fortune, a very emo girl, looks at everyone thoughts and then rolls her eyes and says...
Fortune: Whatever. I can't feel pain.
Raven then tells a story that no one wants to hear.
Raven: I am the son of the late and great and muscular Russian guard. He was killed by an evil man they call "Naked Snake". That murderous psychopath attacked my father, who was an innocent bystander. I remembered it like it was yesterday.
Activate False Flashback Sequence
Snake has an evil smile with blood foaming from his mouth.
Snake: I thirst for your blood!
Russian Guard: I am an innocent guard.
Snake: I'll kill you!
Snake literally snorts like a pig.
Russia Guard: But I did nothing wrong.
Snake then rips the Russian guard into shreds. He then snorts again and drinks the guard's blood. Gray Fox then interrupts Raven.
Gray Fox: Da fuck is wrong with you man?
Zero: Thanks for the story, Raven. It was total bullshit.
Zero gets back on the briefing.
Zero: Now listen, everyone. Snake is a terrorist. To prevent him from doing any harm, we must kill the women and children in a sea of blood. Leave none alive.
Fortune: "Sea of blood"?
Zero: What part of "sea of blood" did you not understand?
Raiden: Seems legit. Okay! Let's go kill some kids!
Naomi: But we are kids!
Raiden: Wait. I'm killing my own kind?
As the kids argue that the plan is fucked up, Zero leaves them and goes to the rooftop balcony.
Zero: Soon, Snake, I shall have my revenge.
Zero makes an evil pig snort. What he does not realize is that someone is eavesdropping.
Rose: I've got to warn Snake.
Meanwhile, the Cuban police come to Snake's facility.
Police: Sir, do you own this?
The officer shows Snake a "candy cane".
Police: We've heard a rumor that you were selling drugs to children.
Snake: No, officer. We sell "candy canes" to children.
Police: Okay, then that's all right.
Then somewhere in Cuba, a dad is forcing his son to eat the "candy cane".
Dad: Eat your damn "candy cane"!
Son: But dad, I don't want to.
The dad shoves the candy cane in his son's mouth, and his son projectile vomits all over his dad.
Para-Medic reminds Snake that selling drugs is unnecessary since they have the Philosophers' Legacy, which the amount is like 1.3 trillion US dollars, making Snake the richest motherfucker alive.
Para-Medic: Snake, you do realize that you have The Philosophers' Legacy. That's a net worth of 1.3 trillion dollars, so you didn't even need to sell the "candy canes" in the first place.
Snake: Are you fucking kidding me? You mean to tell me that I've been selling "candy canes" to children when I have like a fucking trillion dollars? FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
Snake then takes a deep breathe and relaxes.
Snake: Well, on the bright side, we're together like Dragon Ball Z.
Which, all the sudden, a turtle hermit comes.
Turtle Hemit: Hey! Can I join you guys?
Snake: NO! You'll get us sued!
Snake kicks the hermit in the water and the same shark from earlier attempts to eat the hermit, yet it only got his leg.
Later, Snake builds a dozen houses and, for some reason, they have yards full of grass.
Snake then introduces his children to their new uncles, Sigint, Ocelot, and recently Huey.
Snake: David! Sean! Sarah! Dickshit! Meet your new uncles
Sigint: Yo the name is Sigint.
Sean: Uncle Sigint, why are you black? Do you have the lame genes while uncle Ocelot and Huey have the good genes?
Sigint: What's up with you British people being racist?
Snake: Sigint, he's just being curious. Right son?
Sean: I'm not being curious, I'm-
Snake: Going to behave, right son?
Snake then shows Sean his fist, suggesting he would physically hurt Sean if he continues to question Sigint.
Sean: *Gulp* Yes daddy...
Ocelot: Hey kids! Do you like revolvers?
Sarah: Sure do, uncle Ocelot!
Ocelot: Well I think we'll get along just fine.
Huey: Hi! Since I'm your uncle, I guess I should probably introduce you to your cousins, Hal and Emma.
Hal: Nice to meet you all!
Sarah: Wow! Another girl I can play with!
Emma: That's right, Sarah. We play all you want.
Meanwhile, a vampire is looking for his lover, which later turns out to be Vamp's future husband.
Husband: *Sniff* I smell you honey! I'm coming home! Oh yeah!
Vamp's future husband then runs super fast on the ocean to Vamp's store and the two final see each other again.
Activate Disturbing Vampire Make Out Sequence
And so they decide to get married and run the store together.
Meanwhile, The Zero Unit were on their way to Snake's facility. Raven tells another bullshit story.
Major Zero: We're almost there, team. Soon, we will kick some major ass. Get it? "Major" ass?
The crickets make some noise with no one responding.
Major Zero: Piss off!
Raven: I will soon avenge my father, who was ass raped by an evil American dog they call "Snake"! I remembered it like it was yesterday.
Major Zero: Oh god not again!
Activate Another Bullshit Flashback.
This time, Snake has a face of a dog.
Snake: *Growls* I wanna fuck you!
Russian Guard: I am an innocent guard.
Snake: Dog Style Time Bitch.
Snake violently attacks the guard while howling.
Russia Guard: But I did nothing wrong.
Snake then rapes him and rips him into shreds.
Russian Guard: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
End Bullshit Flashback!
Raven then sheds a manly tear of sorrow.
Zero: Raven, you need some serious help!
Raiden taps his fingers on Zero.
Raiden: Major! I've got to go wee wee.
Zero: You have to what?
Raiden: Go wee wee!
Zero: Copter Boy, take us to a bar or a strip club so he can go... *sighs* "Wee wee".
Pilot: Okay, Mr. Zero.
Then the Zero Unit fly by to a bar.
Zero: Copter Boy, stop here.
Zero and the kids then enter the bar. Raiden leaves so he can go Wee Wee. Zero then spots Kazuhira "McDonell Benedict" Miller, who was just sitting there getting his ass drunk. Zero then approaches him and sits by him.
Zero: How would you like to join The Zero Unit?
Miller then turns around and makes a drunken smile.
Miller: It'll be my pleasure...
Miller then pukes on the floor and countertop, much to Raiden's disgust.
Meanwhile, Snake is writing a 300-page letter to EVA, then shoves the whole letter down the envelope.
Snake: Get in there, you sunvabitch! KYYYAH!
He then throws it all the way to China and the envelope hits EVA in the face.
EVA then grabs the envelope and opens it. It reads:
I am happily married to Para-Medic, so please stop calling me, as I have no need to have children with you. You're a bitch...
-297 pages later-
bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch fat ugly bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch your cunt smells you fat bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch. Did I mention that you're a bitch?
P.S. You're a fat bitch. Did I mentioned that?
EVA: ... Why does he hate me so?
EVA begins to, literally, cry a river.
Snake: I know, right?
The next day, Snake hears a knock on his door. He opens the front door.
Snake: Look, officers. We quit selling "candy canes" a while back.
Snake then notices that the officers weren't there, but rather a girl.
Snake: Oh? Oh, I'm sorry, but I just told the officers that weren't there, we no longer sell "candy canes".
Girl: What're you talking about? I have an urgent message that's more important than "candy canes"!
Snake: So what is it? Are you one of those prostitutes that get trafficked? 'Cause you're a little too young.
Rose: What? NO! My name is Rosemary, and I'm here to tell you about-
An explosion interrupts Rose.
Rosemary: MOTHER FUCKER! DON'T INTERRUPT ME, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!
The Zero Unit arrives, as Zero shouts to get Snake's attention.
Zero: SNAKE! YOUR ACTS OF "TERRORISM" IS OVER!
Zero then turns to face Raiden and give him an assault rifle.
Zero: Now Raiden, remember. Kill all of the children.
Raiden then notices Rosemary and Emma deciding who he loves more.
Raiden: D-do I really have to? I'm still debating on which one I love.
Raven then shows himself to Snake.
Raven: I'm going to break you, until you're broken!
Then Miller states that everyone will follow The Way Of Arnoldism! (A religion that follows Arnold from Hey Arnold!)
Miller: Soon! Everyone will join Arnoldism! We're going to make it a religi-
Then Raven does a death punch to Miller.
Snake: Nooooo! Why'd you kill him? Why'd you kill someone I don't even know? He was a war hero!
Raven then uses his chain gun to massacre everyone that was in Snake's crew, when Ocelot uses his revolver shield to deflect all the bullets.
Ocelot: Everyone! Get behind my Revolver Shield! I'll protect you with its awesomeness!
Then Raiden attacks Raven by shooting him in the back of the head. Despite the injury, he would not stay down.
Raven: Is that the best you got?
Raiden backs away in fear, as Raven will not stand down.
Raiden: Damn! He's strunk!
On his dying breath, he said that he would not go down until he was satisfied! Raiden repeatedly guns Raven down, but only to weaken him.
Raven: I will not go down until I get satisfaction, and that is breaking Snake until he is broken!
Then Raven punches Snake in the back, making him scream a painful grunt.
Snake: HEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT! WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE ME? WHY ME? WHY ME?!
Raven: I have no regrets...
Raven then falls to the ground, now nothing more than a corpse. Naomi and Sokolov, who came out of nowhere, then joins Snake and Raiden, which angers Zero.
Zero: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
Fortune also joins Snake's side.
Zero: You too, Fortune?
As well as Gray Fox.
Zero: Not you too, Fox!
No longer is anyone on his side, but now on Snake's side, Zero comes in a major breakdown. His blood boiling, his mind becomes hell bent, and leaving an expression of disgust and of insanity, Zero has snapped.
Zero: Nevermind, I'll take you all on!
He then grabs Raven's chain gun, and looks at Snake's group.
Zero: Once this is over, I'll gladly piss on all of your graves!
Zero then makes an insane laugh.
He then aims the gun at Snake. Just as he was about to whoop some ass, he gets arrested by the British police.
Police: David Oh, you are under arrest for treason and for using children in war.
Then they handcuffed him and send him in the police helicopter. Snakes wonders what they're going to do with him.
Snake: I wonder what they're gonna do to him?
Later in Great Britain...
Queen Elizabeth: David Oh. For your crimes, you will be hanged at the gallows.
In the gallows, the English people watch and chant as they witness Zero's execution.
English People: JUSTICE! KILL THE CROOK!
Zero: My only regret was not killing that black asshole Sigint and piss on your grave, your majesty.
The rope drops, hanging Zero in his final seconds.
Zero remains lifeless.
And so the facility was renamed to Militaires Sans Fronti res and Raiden gets chased by Vamp.
Vamp: Ooooooo... Innocence...
Raiden: Get away from me, you rapist!
Vamp: Come back here, my little pigeon.
Raiden: No means no!
Vamp: But I love you so muuuuuuuuch!
Raiden then shoots Vamp by accident.
Husband: NOOOOOO! My lover! My l'amor! Don't worry, I shall save you by biting you and turning you into a vampire. Oh, and I'll fuck you, but it has to be weird.
The vampire husband bites Vamp in order to save and fuck him.
Vamp: OH YEAH! That's the stuff!
Activate Disgusting Vampire Sex Sequence
And so... They were at peace. For now...
Written by: Chris King
Proofread by: Bommy Koshy