First of all, I have only seen one episode of Evolution, so if there are some discrepancies forgive me. I do want to continue this, but I want to see which direction the new season heads in before I do. Hopefully their will be a few more stories in this kind of diary/reflection format before I get into the bulk of it. If you are wondering, it will be mainly focused around Rogue, possibly a certain Cajun as well as some Sinister villain. (Gee, I wonder if anybody caught that?) Anyway, this one is just a short exploration of what goes through Rogue's head.







The X-man, or woman, called Rogue silently rose out of bead and walked to her desk. Flipping on the small reading lamp she looked across the room to her sleeping roommate to make sure she was in fact still sleeping. Picking up a pencil and a few sheets of loose-leaf paper she started to write.





…Apparently Xavier can see that I'm managing to hide things even from him. So he suggested that I start writing out my thoughts, beefs, confessions exc... to help me cope. First things first, this isn't a diary, that's something Kitty would do.

Since I', not really into this I guess I'll start from the beginning. Not my beginning as a person, but my beginning as a mutant.

I grew up in Mississippi. Hot, humid summers and pleasant winters. I can still remember sitting on the back porch with Irene after a rain, listing to the cicadas hum and sing as the breeze swayed the moss in the trees. I guess Irene showed me how wonderful the sounds of the south really were. I grew up believing that I had a rare skin condition, something about my skin soaking up too much sun and possibly giving me skin cancer later in life. So I rarely went out without long sleeves and gloves, or thick sun proof makeup. I know it seems retarded now, but I grew up listening to Irene's warnings and it became a force of habit.

His name was Cody; I remember noticing him well before he ever talked me into that dance. I dreamt of my first kiss, going to the prom with the star football player. I know it was farfetched but I was fifteen and naive, you know how that stuff pops into your head. I remember telling him: "where's the harm in one dance." Open mouth, insert foot.

Then it happened, we tripped, and he reached to help me up like a true southern gentleman. Truth be told I got a lot closer to him that many married couples ever do. In an instant I was him, and I couldn't tell his memories from my own. By the time I came to my senses I realized I was in his house, looking through his room.

Then the whole mess with Mystique, X-Men, and Brotherhood started. I found myself absorbing people left and right, Kurt, Storm, Scott, and Blob. Finally I was able to get my hands on Mystique to set things right. So I guess that's how I came here to Xavier's school, just to spite Mystique.

Sometimes I wish I was back with the Brotherhood though, they treated me for who I was, and outcast. Although I wasn't huge and strong or small and green they knew I would never fit in. Here it's always a touchy subject and everyone's walking on eggshells around me. "Don't say this or that around Rogue, don't kiss in front of her." What's the worse is when they don't see me coming, and they wind up nearly jumping out of the way to avoid getting close. To be honest that's mostly the new kids, once they settle in they do get a lot better, but I can always tell that they are watching me.

How can they understand? Its not like I enjoy using my powers. Every time I get physically close to someone I break out in a cold sweat. My mind screams to get away. Even with my clothes covering me, something as simple as a reassuring hand on my shoulder is like someone flirting with death.

The make up is a mask, a protective mask that I still use today, one that has saved me more times than I can remember. It scares away most of them, face it pale skin with black lips and eyes is hardly a welcoming image. How many times has it saved me physically? A careless brush against my cheek and I can feel my skin burning, my power trying to claw its way out and reap them dry. But the layers of makeup does its job, keeps the demon inside me at bay long enough.

I wish I could lay by the pool with Kitty and the others. Let my skin soak up its rays, now that I know theirs nothing going to happen later in life. But that's all it takes, one slip up, someone accidentally stumbling, and I've clamed another victim.

They hurt me without even knowing. Just walking hand and hand. The way Kurt and Kitty are getting closer, even if they can't see it. A high five after a goal. A kiss. It all reminds me how different I really am.

I don't even remember what it feels like, another person's skin that is. Now, in the event I do touch someone it burns. Not bad, but it stings as my power pulls them into me. Have you ever heard "Crawling" by Linkin Park? That's what it feels like, like theirs something under my skin trying to get out. Sometimes I hold myself at night, imagining my arms are someone else's. But I'm not going into that right now.

I tried to end it once. It was just after I formally joined the institute. I couldn't take them; I couldn't take all the kids my age doing the normal things they do. Moreover I couldn't take the fact that I could never join them. So I cut my wrists in a bath of hot water and waited for the end. It felt awkward, feeling the life slowly pulling away from me. I still think of it now, is that what my victims feel as I pull their life away from them?

It was actually happening until Logan, apparently alerted by the smell of blood, broke down the door and ran in. I can remember seeing him, the alert expression on his face. Then he did something I never expected, he put his bare hand on my face.

He held on longer than I expected and I remember screaming in my head for him to stop, I knew it would kill him. But then I felt him in me. He wasn't mad, angry, or even pitying me, it just felt like he understood. Then were his powers. I guess it took a while, but I groggily watched as the wounds on my wrists closed, and felt the blood replace itself in my veins.

Then his senses hit. Imagine being totally aware. The first thing that hit me was the sickening smell of my blood in the water. Soon, I could tell someone was slightly burning spaghetti o's in the kitchen across the mansion. Then I heard a light curse in a German accent, alerting me that it was Kurt who just discovered his meal was nearly ruined. From the air vent I could tell that Jean had just put on some of her perfume downstairs. Someone was cutting grass a mile to the east. I don't know how, but I knew these things.

I was sitting on the edge of my bed wrapped up in my sheets crying when Logan regained consciousness. It had only been about fifteen minutes, apparently his healing powers work against me to. I expected a scolding or worse, they don't call him Wolverine for nothing. But he just got up off the tile floor, walked over a little woozy, sat on the edge of the bed and asked if I was all right. I'm still not sure what or if I replied between sobs, but he just put an arm around my shoulder and sat there for a while. For the first time since I got my powers I felt alive. Through the sheets I could feel the heat of his body, but my power couldn't get to him. He told me if I needed anything he would help, and we haven't spoke of the incident since.

Most of them, the people I absorb that is, don't stick around that long; I guess it just depends on their willpower. Actually, all but two have left me. Mystique I can't put my finger on, she just hangs around, and I can feel her watching in my head. At first it freaked me out, I'd be alone, working on my homework or something and I could almost feel her hand on my shoulder. I guess I've gotten used to it now, she isn't plotting anything or trying to get me back to the brotherhood, maybe she just wants to see Kurt again. It must have been horrible, trying to free her son from whatever experiments Magnito did to him, then to lose him like that. I know that he will never see her as his mother, but I can tell she is happy when we are in the same room together. The only other time I have ever felt her that strong was when I tried to commit suicide, although I was pushing her out I could swear she was yelling at me to stop. Now don't think because I'm sympathizing with the Mystique in my head means I'm going to get all buddy buddy with the real one. She's done enough stuff in the past couple of months to taint her record for a long time.

Creed is another story, I wish he would leave. Unlike Mystique I keep him locked away, most of the time that is. The best way to describe him is Logan, on a bad day, a reeeeally bad day. He can't seem to accept what happened; he just keeps fighting, trying to get out. It's better now, but for a while I couldn't even sleep. He would scare the living shit out of me so bad that I would usually wake up screaming in the night, covered in a cold sweat and checking my hands to see if they had formed back into claws. I don't think even Prof. X could sit through an entire dream with Sabertooth pulling the strings. They were predictable however, either images of him disemboweling Logan, or some weird lab with green tubes and people in them.

Out of everyone that I've touched Kitty had to be my favorite. It was a quick touch, just enough to help me dance, but it was enough. Instead of her emotions, memories, or powers flowing into me it was just a feeling. This warm feeling, like everything was the best it could possibly be, and no matter what tomorrow was going to be even better. But as always it was a blessing in disguise. I wonder what she would do if she knew I touched her since that day with Evan.

It was innocent enough, I was having nightmares again. It was Creed, right after I had absorbed him. He was the worst then, and Xavier hadn't taught me how to keep people out of my head. It must have been about the third or fourth night that I couldn't sleep on account of him. I just wanted to feel at ease Kitty, so I touched you. It was just on the cheek, just a light tap; you didn't even flinch or roll over in your sleep. It worked, Creed disappeared and I got this warm feeling all over. But the next night he was back, and I needed you again to make him stop. Before long it was every night, and it got to the point I needed you whether Creed showed up or not.

So I went to the only person I trusted, Logan. I told him everything; he didn't say a word, never scolded or threatened me. Just said that he was going on a survival training mission in the woods for a week, and he could convince Xavier to let me tag along. I didn't understand, but I went with his suggestion.

I've never been addicted to drugs, alcohol, or anything like that in my life, but that week was torture. I didn't need you Kitty, but my body did. Creed was amused by my weakness, and he told me so every night. I don't think Logan slept the entire time we were out there. During the day he would hunt and cook, and whenever I woke up at night I could see his silhouette out by the fire, keeping watch.

When we returned he told me he could pull some strings and get me another room if I wanted, but I didn't need to run from it. I haven't touched you since we came back. I've wanted to, I've needed to, but I never have.

The Professor says that I'll learn to control my powers in time, that I've just discovered them and no mutant has full control of their powers when they first arrive. I can't help but think of Scott, what if I end up like him and it can't be controlled? They can't just slap a pair of fancy Ray-Bands on me and call it a day.

I guess Scott has thought about it too. Just look at what he and Alex did with Magnito and that whole gym of Cyttorak thing. I can't help but wish it had been me, I could have controlled it, Scott was able to break out from Magnito's control and so could I. Personally some more white hair wouldn't have bothered me any.

Why am I an X-Man? Am I just the failsafe? If get things get out of control just send Rogue in to stop whoever or whatever it is? Do they know, do they really know what its like to be the Grim Reaper? I know I haven't killed anyone yet but it's going to happen eventually, it's just a matter of time before I hold onto someone too long…






Rogue put her pencil down and looked at the sheets of scribbled paper before her. Maybe she would share some of this with the professor tomorrow? Or maybe not. She thought slipping them under the edge of her mattress and crawling back into bed. After all, tomorrow was another day.








…Well, what did you think? Please review. Oh, and if anyone knows of a good Evolution web page with episode transcripts could you please tell me, I'd like to catch up before the new season starts. Thanks.