Written by some madao
Gintama is the creation and property of Hideaki Sorachi, whereas Touhou Project is the creation and property of Zun.
A simple job, really. "You're in, you're out, and then you're sitting at the beach, sipping whatever the Amanto equivalent of a Margarita is, and, most importantly, you can afford to do so, for the rest of your life!"
Sounded too good to be true.
Gintoki Sakata wearily stumbled past another tree.
He clearly remembered he'd turned down taking the suspicious job, so... why was he here, lost in some forest in some land he'd never been to?
And why was some little girl he'd never met before chomping down on his head, despite his repeated kindly requests for her to take a hike, preferably over the side of a cliff?
"Yer hea' i' rea''y touff!" said the girl, her mouth still full of Gintoki's cranium.
"I've been chewed on by a pro," said Gintoki. "Your weak ass bites couldn't even make me break a sweat, much less break through my toughened up skin. But I might break wind if you keep this up."
"I' tha' so?" The girl gave up. She spat out some permed silver hair, and then flew in front of Gintoki. "What's wrong with you humans?" she asked, annoyed. "The last two humans I tried to eat beat me up, and now you're here, and can't even be eaten!"
"You're not a human?" asked Gintoki, barely surprised.
"Maybe if I fry you, you'll soften up?" said the girl to herself, ignoring Gintoki's question. Her hands lit up with energy, which she began to... shoot at Gintoki.
"Oi!" Gintoki dived away from those energy bullets, only to witness the girl launch into an all out attack. Thousands of the energy bullets impacted around him, destroying the landscape. Fortunately, she wasn't aiming, merely attacking, indiscriminately. He was easily able to weave his way through the bullet storm, putting a bit of distance between himself and the girl.
However, she then tried chasing Gintoki with random shots interspersed with aimed shots. He weaved best he could, both dodging bullets and ducking under tree branches. However, he lost sight of one, and it hit him in his chest. Or rather, it passed through his chest, for whatever reason.
"Che! Missed your hitbox," said the girl, annoyed.
Gin was shocked enough at surviving the girl's shot, that he didn't even react when she fired hundreds of more bullets at his torso. Not one touched him, though, all passing through him faster than even sour strawberry milk.
"Where is it?" she shouted, angry.
Gin smirked. So her bullets had to hit a particular spot on his body? And he didn't have that spot?
The girl, furious upon seeing Gin's expression, shot at his face, but it too passed through him. Then she aimed at his scrotum. Instinctively, he moved to dodge her shot.
Her bullet just grazed one of his... golden souls.
Gin's eyes teared up.
"There it is, but it's kind of small," said the girl.
Gin's eyes teared up even more. "It's cause it's cold," he said, muttering.
The girl spread apart her arms, as though inviting a hug. But Gin knew, she was really preparing a big attack. He jumped away, best he could despite the dull growing pain in his groin, in preparation for all the bullets the girl was now aiming at his crotch.
He took out his wooden blade. He really wasn't up for this fight, but he had the protect the possibility of some day having children, however unlikely the prospect seemed.
Three barrages. All a bit slow, but still with very little room to manoeuvre. He did his best to avoid all the bullets, but it felt as though both his... hit boxes were grazed multiple times.
With tears in his eyes, upon (mostly) avoiding the third barrage, he leapt to the flying girl, and lightly struck the back of the girl's torso, knocking her out.
He landed, and then crumpled forward. He asked of himself whilst weeping, just what did he win in this fight?
He preferred nurses. He slowly trudged up the stairs to the shrine, reflecting on this one fact. In terms of power, rank, and prestige, shrine maidens followed nurses but possibly marched ahead of kunoichi. He was unsure of this last musing, but he was determined when he had a free day he'd clarify his feelings on this matter.
He saw standing at the top of the stairs a shrine maiden.
Well, to be sure, he'd have liked to encountered a nurse, somehow, but that wasn't to say he was displeased at the possibility of meeting a shrine maiden.
He climbed higher, anticipating his encounter with the girl at the top of the stairs.
However, the girl shouted down to him, "You're the new one? I was warned about you." She pointed a gohei at him. "I'm in no mood for any of that yokai's games, so I'm warning you to turn around right now."
Gintoki was certain he'd seen the girl, somewhere before, long ago. "S*yo-chan?" he asked, suddenly remembering where he'd seen this girl before.
The girl threw the gohei at Gin as though it were a spear. It impaled his head right between his eyes.
"Who the hell is S*yo-chan?" the girl asked, angry and embarrassed.
"My mistake," said Gintoki. "I just had a flashback to the olden days when I used to live in a mysterious ghost world, and spent my days with S*yo-chan and M*nuke fighting against the forces of..." He couldn't finish what he was saying as another gohei was thrown at him. He dodged it, and shouted at the girl, "Oi! What the hell? Is that how you greet people?" He removed the previous gohei from his forehead, and pointed it at the shrine maiden, accusingly. Blood spurted out from his forehead, but he ignored it.
"Only damned fools who can't tell the difference between shrine maidens and video game franchises!" said the girl, annoyed. She quickly corrected herself: "Or worse, idiots who can't tell the difference between reality and fiction."
Gintoki decided to put all this disagreement behind him. "Anyway, to be honest, Miss, I'm lost, scared, and all alone. Can't you put me up for the evening?"
The girl looked at Gintoki. Really looked, as though she were reading his soul. She said, slowly, after a few moments, "You look like you've been lost your whole life, so I don't know what good'll come of letting you in here for the night. And you don't really look scared at all. And I can't do anything about your loneliness. You'll just have to bear with that until you die."
"So cold," said Gintoki, his heart now aching a bit. "Just for tonight, Miss?" He really was doing his best not to start crying from her harsh words.
The girl sighed, annoyed. "Damn it! If I didn't have to accept everything, I'd tell you off right now!" She gestured for Gintoki to climb the stairs, and then turned around. "I'll dig out a futon for you."
Gintoki climbed the final stair, and entered the shrine grounds. Seemed a bit run down, but hell, he'd slept in many a dive, and this shrine was almost up to those standards...
An orb flew from where the girl had gone. It smacked Gintoki on the head.
"I just had a feeling you were thinking something insulting," said the girl, returning from behind the main building on the shrine grounds. "Anyway, get a move on, you."
Gintoki followed the girl to the rear entrance, where the living quarters for the shrine were.
"Oi, I guess we should introduce ourselves," said Gintoki. "I'm Gintoki Sakata."
The girl was silent, but only for a moment. "Reimu Hakurei."
"Nice to meet ya. By the way..." Gintoki held up the girl he'd concussed, earlier. "What should I do with this thing?"
Reimu turned around to look. "I didn't see that, before. Where were you keeping her? And why'd you bring a yokai to a shrine? Did you want it exorcised?"
"Yokai?" Gintoki asked. He lifted the girl up to eye level, and took a closer look. "Just looks like some brat to me."
"Just toss her aside. She'll wake up, eventually, and see herself out," said Reimu. "And yes, that's a yokai. A particularly stupid and annoying one, too. Used to always try to eat people, but now she's always playing down near the lake. Didn't she try to eat you?"
"Wasn't she flying?"
"And she was shooting magical energy at you, too, right?" asked Reimu.
"Then what did you think she was?"
"An amanto?" said Gintoki.
"Haa?" Reimu then clicked her tongue at Gintoki's answer. "As if those appear so easily! And the lake isn't that close to here, and you walked here from there carrying that? Just how long have you been wandering around lost? And you only encountered that one yokai?"
"Well..." Gintoki pulled from behind him another small girl who for whatever reason had icy wings floating behind her back.
"Get rid of them!" shouted the girl. "What are you doing? Picking up any piece of garbage you happen across? Did you think if you collected enough fairies and yokai you'd be granted a wish?"
"I thought they were amanto!" replied Gintoki.
"And why, in you deluded mind, were you picking up amanto? Were you trying to catch 'em all? And did you even think of your appearance packing around two unconscious little girls? Don't mistake your perversion for kindness!"
"Oi! I ain't got a thing for brats! I just picked them up cause it didn't feel right leaving 'em out there alone for whatever to do whatever to them!" Gintoki pulled one more girl from behind him. This time it was a brat with green hair, and she also had white butterfly-like wings. He placed her down near the other two girls. He dusted off his hands, as though to show off he'd done some good work.
"I ain't running a night care nursery for yokai and fairy brats!" shouted Reimu, angrily. She waved her gohei as though she was casting a spell. She chanted a few words, waved her gohei one final time, and then the ground under Gintoki's feet lit up. The light enveloped him, and then it exploded.
Gintoki opened his eyes. He collected himself. He quickly checked his body for injuries. His hands went to his crotch: one, two, he counted. And then he breathed a sigh of relief.
He heard Reimu click her tongue in annoyance. "So it doesn't work on humans?" she muttered to herself.
"What did you just do?" asked Gintoki, shocked, just noticing the little girls he'd brought with him were gone.
"I tried to blow away all my problems to the other side of Gensokyo," said Reimu. "But my spell didn't work on the biggest pest here."
"Gensokyo?" asked Gintoki. "Is... here close to Edo, at all?" He knew there was a region called Gensokyo in Japan, to the west, but the way the girl said it, made this Gensokyo sound as a different world entirely.
"Edo's on the other side of your dreams, now," said Reimu. "You were either cast off from your world, or you were called here. Gensokyo exists in its own place, apart from the world you came from." She waved at Gintoki to follow her. "Let's speak some more inside."
Gintoki looked at the girl, Reimu. Damn it! He suspected she was speaking the truth.
They entered the living quarters of the shrine, sitting down at a kotatsu.
"I think I was hired to do a job by some lady from here," said Gintoki. "I turned her down, but I'm here anyway. I guess she doesn't take no for an answer?"
Reimu crossed her arms. "I know who you're talking about. She's... somebody I have trouble dealing with."
Reimu asked Gintoki, "What job were you asked to do?"
"Improve relations between Gensokyo and Edo," he replied. "Turned her down, though. Said that's a job for bigwig diplomats and politicians. She said it had to be me, though. Dunno why."
"Edo? What sort of place is Edo like?" asked Reimu.
"It's loud, and busy, and rude," said Gintoki. "In a word, it's rowdy."
"Hmm. Sounds like a lively place," said Reimu. "Well, Gensokyo's a land separated from the rest of the world. A powerful yokai created it for whatever reason, and now I'm the newest shrine maiden whose job it is to go around exterminating yokai who cause problems within the land's borders."
"You're an enforcer, then?"
"But one that goes around exterminating yokai that get a little out of line, like some yakuza enforcer."
"You make me sound like some cold blooded killer. I only exterminate yokai that cause incidents, and yokai that get in my way when I'm on my way to solve said incidents."
"That actually sounds worse, like you create a massacre, and then remove any and all potential witnesses."
"Oh, shush. I never exterminated a yokai in my life that didn't have it coming to them."
"Sounds like something some gangster said in some movie," said Gintoki. "Real cold."
"Fine. Believe whatever you want."
Gin stared outside of the room to the darkness. Just how long had he been wandering? Since before noon, at least. What was time the now?
There was a sudden inrush of air into the room. And then a girl. She stood, or actually wasn't standing but instead floating, sitting on a broom, facing Reimu.
"Big news! There's some new warrior from the outside world in Gensokyo! I heard he's already fought and beaten some weak ass yokai."
Reimu pointed at Gintoki, while staring at the girl.
The girl turned, and upon seeing Gintoki, frowned. "I came rushing all the way here in the dark for this? Damn it, Reimu! You better have some booze for me to make up for this-ze!"
"And how exactly is this my fault?" asked Reimu. She stood, and walked into her kitchen. When she returned, she had a sake set. Sure, it seemed cheap, and the tokkuri and choko appeared a bit cracked and chipped, but Gin wasn't one to complain. In fact, Gin couldn't even recall if he even had a set of his own.
"So, how'd you find out about this fool?" asked Reimu to the girl, waving dismissively at Gintoki.
"That annoying little yokai who's always playing 'round the lake crashed through my roof a little while ago. Scared the heck outta me!"
A nervous sweatdrop appeared on the side of Reimu's head. "Really? Right through your roof? Wonder what she was doing, that stupid yokai?"
"She said all she remembered was some warrior beating her easily, and then nothing, and then an explosion, and then crashing into my house-ze!"
Reimu poured the drinks. They each had small sips.
"So, can you do anything special?" asked the girl of Gintoki.
"Hmm? I can quote J*mp, religiously, I suppose," replied Gintoki. "Not that it's a skill I'm particularly proud of."
The girl turned to Reimu, who shrugged. "Is he already drunk?"
Gin was a bit drunk, already, having an empty stomach, but he'd imbibed stronger drink in his time. "You know, Ze-girl. You haven't said your name yet!"
"Marisa Kirisame, Stranger."
"Where ya from, Mister Sakata?"
"Edo?" Mirisa tilted her head. "That sounds a bit... off."
"What d'ya mean?" asked Gintoki.
"I've read a little bit about the outside world. Read that there's no more Edo, and it's called Tokyo, now-ze."
"Hmm? News to me," said Gintoki.
"We'll figure this out, tomorrow," said Reimu, as she refilled her guests' choko.
"Are you interested?" asked Marisa.
"A little. And otherwise I'd only be sweeping and drinking tea all day tomorrow, anyhow. It's been some time since the last incident, so I'm getting curious as to why that gap yokai brought this creature here."
"Oi," said Gintoki.
"Think she's planning something big?" asked Marisa of Reimu.
"She's always got some annoying plan going on. It's our job to make sure it doesn't fall completely on us to resolve when it gets crazy."
It was originally gonna be, "Oh, shush. I never exterminated a yokai in my life that didn't have it coming to them. You got that? All I have in my life are my yin-yang balls and my word and I don't break them for no one."
Felt a bit forced, though. It's funny, but just doesn't belong. But I wanted to share it with all of you, and I do sincerely apologize for sharing it.
As for my next release, it'll probably be Chapter 2 of A Certain Cursed Martial Artist. I have the former release version of it, however, I feel it needs quite a bit of work to bring it up to a quality I can feel comfortable releasing.
Finally, I'm seeking a story I removed over a year ago from my profile. If anyone has a copy of it, I'd appreciate it if it could be sent to me. It's a Gintama fanfiction. Can't remember the name of it, though. It was pretty funny, and I had a number of ideas for the next part, but I lost the drafts I'd written up, and lost all motivation to continue it. However, with the release of Balls of Fire some time ago, I've had the motivation to continue my first Gintama story as the next chapter in Balls of Fire, but have had little success. Can't remember if I'd released that story under my old pen name, Drosselmeyer, or some madao. Thanks in advance if anyone is able to help with finding it.