Written by some madao
Gintama is the creation and property of Hideaki Sorachi, whereas Touhou Project is the creation and property of Zun.
"Looks like my home," said Gintoki. "Except not as big and stylish." He was standing at the gate for the estate of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, staring at the manor.
Reimu sternly poked at Gintoki's head from behind. "Quit lying," she said.
"I'm telling the truth," said Gintoki.
"I know you're lying. You look so run down that it seems like the only things you could even ever own are the clothes you're wearing. And even then, I'm not so sure."
"Oh, I'm sure he probably owns those clothes," said Sanae, cheerfully. "Even if he looks like he couldn't afford them, he at least might've taken them from the trash behind a thrift store. I mean, even a thrift store has clothes they can't sell at any price, and they have to do something with them."
"Oi. You two. You might be losing out on an opportunity here," said Gintoki. "I could very well be a super wealthy man disguising himself as a poor shmuck."
"You're doing a heck of a job, then," said Reimu. "Looking at you, all I can see is a poor shmuck. Bereft of money, home, and character. Actually, your character is so stricken in poverty, it's a wonder you're still somehow human in appearance."
Gintoki ignored the last comment, and instead pushed open the gate. It creaked as it opened, ominously. "Oi, that's how horror movies begin," he said.
"That's also how steel gates with rusty hinges open," said Reimu. "Get inside the house already. We weren't coming here to begin with, but seeing as how we're here now we might as well go loot these vampires for all they're worth." Aside from Gintoki and Sanae, she asked herself, "What's a horror movie?"
Sanae huffed eagerly, standing side by side with Reimu. "Actually, why are we here?" asked Sanae, a moment later.
"You're just asking that now?" asked Reimu. She pointed, accusingly so, at Gintoki. "We followed him and that silly magician girl here. And they were coming here because that silly girl's plan went sideways due to her magical ability for making things crazier when they can otherwise be nice and simple."
"So Marisa does have an ability?" asked Sanae, ignoring Reimu's explanation.
"Yes, her ability is one where she can make a plan that goes awry from the very first step."
"She makes plans?" Sanae asked.
"She makes explosions," Reimu replied. "Somehow, by using mushrooms, somehow. And afterword through all the smoke and debris, it can sometimes resemble something that had been carefully thought out."
"Gosh." Sanae was impressed. By what, it couldn't be told, but she was impressed, in general.
Reimu pushed Gintoki forward, and shoved him toward the front door to the mansion. "Let's just get inside, and then do what needs doing, and then get out of there."
"And what's that, exactly?" asked Sanae. "What do we need to do?"
Reimu sighed, and then nudged Gintoki. "Why were you and that magician girl headed this way?"
"She had a flying carpet, but it flew off this way," said Gintoki.
"Hmm, okay. We're swiping that carpet, then. And maybe the silverware, too."
The power of the gods can overcome great trials, defeat terrible enemies, and achieve grand ideas. The power of the gods can also blow open the front door of a mansion with a considerable force. Enough force, in fact, to wrench the door apart from the frame.
Gintoki stared at the devastation in shock. "Is that how... is that how people knock around here? I'll need to remember this."
"I hope you're not considering mimicking Reimu on how to enter a house. That's not good girl behaviour, at all!" said Sanae, flustered.
"It is good gorilla behaviour though," said Gintoki. He was quickly punched in the gut.
"We needed to get the attention of the household," said Reimu, massaging her knuckle. "So that we can split their forces. We'll each go separate ways." She started to float. She pointed. "Here come the fairy maids. Watch your backs, and be careful." She flew away into the house.
"Oi!" Gintoki shouted at Reimu.
"Jeez. What kind of plan is this?" asked Sanae. She started to float. "But I guess this is how things are done here in Gensokyou." She too flew away into the house.
"Oi!" Gintoki shouted at Sanae. He was left alone, and there were hundreds, perhaps thousands, of fairies barrelling down on him. "Who the hell leaves someone behind to face this?"
The fairies reached Gintoki, and they started throwing kunai at him. He dodged, ducking under the assault. He unsheathed Lake Touya, and struck down the first wave of fairies.
A thousand or more kunai were thrown at Gintoki. He jumped backward, and then weaved to his left away from the corridor wall, which very quickly had thousands of kunai impaling it. He then ran up the wall, using the impaled kunai as steps, launching himself at the flying fairies, who seemed to be out of ammunition to throw at him.
He cut through a half-dozen fairies at once, and landed. The defeated fairies all landed behind him, in a crumpled heap.
Gintoki looked toward the rest of the hundreds or thousands of remaining fairies, and then made a decision.
Away from the kunai tossing fairies.
He wasn't scared, and he didn't have a kunai comically sticking out of his forehead. He just didn't feel like fighting through hundreds and hundreds of psychotically happy looking girls wielding sharp weapons.
He darted through a door. He ran through a room. He found a different hallway through another door. He then entered a new room, which had a window to the outside. He rushed over to it, intent on opening it and escaping outside. However, when he arrived there, he was just in time to be kicked in the head by someone crashing through the window.
"Success-ze!" said a girl, her voice familiar. The girl'd had landed on Gintoki, and was now standing on him, her foot on one side his head, pressing the other side into the glass covered floor.
Gintoki pushed himself off the floor, forcing the girl, Marisa, to step off him. He noted she appeared a little roughed up, but hardly beaten, which meant that other girl was probably knocked out somewhere? He also noted that he didn't now have shards of glass sticking out of his head, to go along with the kunai from earlier that wasn't impaled in the middle of his forehead. He totally wasn't bleeding to death right here and now.
"Oh, hey! It's you, the one who needs to be exterminated!" said Marisa, cheerfully, raising her magical tool, the Mini-Hakkero, toward Gintoki.
Gintoki had seen what that little device could do to trees, earth, boulders, and tall sexy Chinese girls who added 'aru' to the end of their sentences. It transformed them into smoking craters. Excepting that last one, as the Chinese woman had the sense to dodge the blast from that thing. He tried to do the same.
He kicked down a door leading away from the room. He did not look back, as he knew there'd be laser death chasing him. All he could do was run forward, toward the future. Run toward his fate. Or away from it, considering the current circumstances.
However, Marisa wasn't so easily lost as the fairies from before. She chased.
And what was with this mansion? So many rooms and hallways... It was like one of those video game mazes where you kept looping back to the same rooms over and over again. Or maybe it was closer to being like that original Z*lda map glitch?
From behind, he heard the telltale sign of a big laser attack. He leapt out of the way, but was surprised by Marisa, who'd choked up on her spell just long enough to goad him into trying to dodge. She hit him square and flush.
She blasted him through a wall.
Gintoki did his best to ride the wave, and he hoped he appeared awesome trying to do so. Doing five cartwheels and landing on your head probably counted as cool. Especially considering the impact knocked out any and all objects that had been stabbed into his cranium.
"Ah, that felt good. Like a huge relief," said Marisa, walking toward Gintoki, who was struggling to stand on his feet.
He felt like newborn B*mbie. That was a heck of an impact.
"Aw, yer still able to stand?" asked Marisa, annoyed.
"It'll take more than a wooden wall and an explosion to take me down," said Gintoki, brashly, to two floating twin Marisa's. He was sure that was some kind of hallucination, brought on by blood loss and concussion. "In fact, you'd be better off bringing your strongest booze to knock me out."
Well, now make that five Marisa's, and another five total strangers standing behind her.
"What are you doing to the mansion, Miss Mousrisa?" asked the five strangers.
Correction. Gintoki's sight was returning to normal. One stranger, wielding knives. And looking like a maid.
Where were maids in the social pecking order? Nurses were number one, while shrine maidens were near the top, too. But maids? He'd never anticipated meeting a maid. This really threw into chaos all that he knew. He'd have to reconsider everything, from his birth till his death, in clear order!
"M*tsurika?" he asked of the maid.
"Ara. Father K*nae?" the maid replied, smiling benignly.
Marisa replied to the maid's earlier question of her, "I just came to borrow something."
"I don't see how destroying the mansion qualifies as borrowing."
"I didn't come to destroy anything. It just sorta happened."
"It always seems to occur whenever you visit. Is it coincidence? Or fate?"
"You know me. I always like to tempt fate when I visit here," said Marisa, grinning ferally.
"Not today, sadly," said the maid. "Your fate, I've been instructed to say, is to be restrained here until you're needed." She waved a hand. The room filled with thousands of floating motionless knives. Half were pointed at Marisa. The other half were aimed at Gintoki's crotch.
Sweat started to form on Gintoki's brow.
"I have learned, to my displeasure, how you have the dirtiest hitbox in all of Gensokyo," said the maid.
Marisa appeared disgusted.
"Um, there might be days I don't wash all over, but I don't think my hitbox is the dirtiest of anywhere. I'm sure there's dirtier. In fact, it could even be said how my hitbox is the most well-maintained of anywhere in existence."
"Whether you keep your hitbox maintained is not the issue! In fact, all your self-maintenance probably contributes to its further soiling!"
Gintoki's response was a sheepish and shamed smile.
"Wipe that proud smirk off your face. It's disgusting!" said the maid. She raised her hand, and then let it fall as though signalling for something to begin.
The knives aimed at Gintoki's crotch began to fly forward, straight and true. However, because he was twisted and false, he was just barely able to leap out of the way.
The knives impacted the stone floor with enough force to carve out a somewhat large crater.
"Oi! Just what do you have against my hitbox? What has it ever done to you?" screamed Gintoki, fearfully.
"Its very existence is offensive," replied the maid, sincerely smiling.
Gintoki ran to a door, and opened it. However, he saw in the next room Marisa and the maid. He turned around, and saw Marisa and the maid to still be in the same room as him.
"I have under my control all the space in this mansion. There is no escape from your destiny."
Gintoki blanched. He quickly calculated his odds. His hitbox versus thousands of knives. His hitbox would come out ahead, but only just...
"You're thinking something unreasonable, aren't you?" asked the maid.
"Hey, I'm getting antze being left out, here," said Marisa, suddenly. She raised the Mini-Hakkero, and then fired off an explosion.
The blast caught Gintoki, knocking him through another wall.
Perhaps that had been one wall too many.
Gintoki struggled to remain awake. He could literally feel nothingness enveloping his conscious mind. However, he fought to remain cognisant. He rolled over off his back onto his side, and his body seemed to scream in pain. That was enough to fully wake him.
It took a long moment before he remembered he, nay, his loin, was in danger... Actually, he seemed to be out of danger because he was now the only person in the room. He was in a different hall, now. Wait. No, it was the same room as before, but he was alone.
Scratch that. His sight was a bit affected by his dazed state. He was now seeing a little girl sitting in a chair at the room's opposite side. She was observing him, appearing both a bit bored and unimpressed.
Gintoki pushed himself up off the floor, so he was standing. He briefly noted there was no rubble around him, and no dust on his clothes. Perhaps that meant he hadn't really been thrown by an explosion through a wall, and it had all been some weird fantasy?
He tried to walk toward the girl, and his legs nearly buckled underneath him. Nope. He had been forced unwillingly through a wall, and his body was the only broken thing out of the whole event.
Didn't that violent maid say something about being able to control space? Maybe that was why there wasn't a damaged wall behind him.
Strength was returning to his legs, which was good, considering he'd need to run if anything attacked. He slowly made his way over to the little girl, his each step growing stronger.
He stood before her, and he looked down upon her, seeing on the little girl's face annoyance and dissatisfaction.
She remained sitting in her chair, barely acknowledging Gintoki. "Ah, I'd been waiting for that gap yokai to send in her pieces at last, but one of them turns out to be worth less than a pawn?" The girl spat on the floor, just missing Gintoki's feet.
Nope. Gintoki didn't have a clue what the girl meant, but he didn't really care anyway about whatever she was griping. He had his own questions, such as, "Uh, little Miss, do you know the way out of this house? Or at least to a restroom?" He could stand to clean up a little, and dress his wounds.
The girl stared up at Gintoki. Really stared, as though she was trying to read his thoughts. She seemed strained, within, as though she was constipated, she was concentrating so hard...
She kicked Gintoki in the shins.
"Ow. Jeeze! Do the girls in this world start out violent and just grow worse as they age?" he asked.
"I sensed you thought something stupid about me, and deserved to be kicked," said the girl. "Besides, just my first impression tells me you're the sort who deserves every tsukkomi you receive." The little girl stood up. She was less than half Gintoki's height, so she climbed onto her chair, standing on the seat so she could almost look Gintoki eye to eye.
Gintoki noticed wings on the girl's back. Were they real...?
The girl said, haughtily, "Welcome to my home, human. I'd usually state it to be a pleasure to meet you, but I must decline this usual courtesy, as it really isn't such." She puffed out her chest, and smiled in a sinister manner. "My name is Remilia Scarlet, and again, welcome to my home, the Scarlet Manor."
Well, it seemed to be a sinister smile. Or not. Gintoki considered, within, perhaps it really was a constipated expression.
The wall on the far side of the room exploded, and through the rubble stepped Reimu. She sighed upon seeing Gintoki and Remilia. She was holding up a young girl, carrying her by the back of the girl's collar like she was a kitten.
The girl was unconscious. Gintoki noted the girl had strange wings, like Christmas decorations.
Gintoki noted Remilia was... cowering? She was sitting on the floor, protecting her head with her hands, trying curl up into a ball.
He poked Remilia on her head.
"Did you just wipe a booger on her head?" asked Reimu.
"I was just trying to get her attention," said Gintoki. "That I had my finger in my nose a moment before doing that is merely a coincidence."
"You're a booger producing machine," said Reimu. "And that wasn't a compliment."
"Heh, heh, so you brought this thing here?" asked Remilia, standing. She smiled a sinister smile. It might've been sinister, if not for her embarrassed expression. She tried to discreetly remove her hat so she could check for anything that might've been wiped on it, but found nothing.
"Ugh, it's still on my finger," said Gintoki, looking at his digit. He blew it away.
Remilia seemed to shake with anger. She glared at Gintoki, and opened her mouth to speak, but was interrupted by another wall exploding.
"Would you all please stop destroying my home?" Remilia asked, pleadingly. She turned to Reimu, and said to her, "And give me back my sister, already!"
Marisa flew through the new opening, followed by the maid. Both seemed a bit beat up. Both were still engaged in combat.
Reimu tossed her captive at Remilia, and then attacked the distracted maid with an uppercut.
Marisa leapt behind the maid, and using both her hands together as club smashed her back down to the floor, knocking her out.
"Reimu is such a cheater," said the girl in Remilia's arms, waking up.
One of the doors opened, and entering through it was a girl pushing a gurney. The girl was Sanae, and she was dressed in a nurse outfit. On the gurney was a girl Gintoki had never seen before, but he recognized the sick expression on the girl's face. It was the comedic on-the-brink-of-death expression.
"I'm so glad a door finally opened. I was duelling this girl, and then she collapsed, coughing up blood! I didn't know what to do..." Sanae was crying.
"Okay, this is getting ridiculous," said Reimu.
"It's his fault!" said Remilia, pointing accusingly at Gintoki. "He wrecks fate. Like how a computer virus ruins your computer when you visit a porn site." There were tears in her eyes. "I don't want the ability to manipulate fate anymore! Not if he has one!" She cried. "Sakuya! Patchy! Do something about him! Get rid of him, and these other intruders!"
The unconscious maid woke up. She eerily stood up, somehow without bending any joints. She flashed a malicious glare at Gintoki.
Sakuya waved her hand. The floor disappeared. Only Gintoki fell down into the newly formed abyss.
The girl on the gurney coughed, and then sat up a little. She chanted something, and then a magic spell hit Reimu, Marisa, and Sanae. All three started to fall.
Remilia and her sister each started to glow, and then after a few seconds, they tossed down after Gintoki and the girls magical bombs.
Gintoki flailed away with Lake Touya, trying to protect himself, somehow.
The three girls, as best they could under the circumstances, created a magic barrier, but they were still unable to fly.
The two bombs exploded. There was an infernoish fire for a short moment, and a huge blast, which forced Gintoki to black out. He fought to remain awake, but succumbed to the darkness.
And he dreamed a nightmare of a long, long fall.
Well, next chapter, this might finally become a real Touhou fanfiction.