A/N: No reviews but imma write this anyways. Come on guys, give me some love! I know you're lurking, give me a sign! Little summary – Loki doesn't get human food. Especially not the main food of New York Midgardians - takeaway. Enter stage right, Dee-Dee, who's going to give him a lesson on eating like a normal person. This should probably come after 'The Name Game' (a new one that I've written already) but I'll put this one up first and have fun watching you guys trying to work out the time line (hint: Loki's been there for two months).
Please review, I'm dying over here. Have mercy darlings. And have fun reading!
Dee-Dee rolled over and grabbed her phone from the dresser. The screen lit up the darkness and showed her obligingly that it was 3.45 in the morning. So why the actual fuck was Loki up and in the kitchen!?
Blearily rubbing her eyes, Dee-Dee sat up and stumbled out of her room, hitting her knees on everything and stubbing her toe. Growling, she switched the light on to find Loki sitting on the kitchen counter, rooting through the food cupboard. Guiltily, he put the pot of Nutella, the marmalade and the oat cakes back on the shelf and turned his fuming, sleep-deprived room mate.
"What..." said Dee-Dee slowly, gritting her teeth, "Are you doing?"
"I was hungry."
"Well, if you're hungry, why didn't you eat when I did?"
"You were eating...that horrible flat bread thing..."
Dee-Dee took a deep breath. "Pizza?"
Loki shuddered. "Yes. Pizza. How do you eat that?"
"Because it's nice. Cheesy, warm, salty, full of fat. That's why."
"It's disgusting. Why can't you eat real food?"
"Like chicken. Or...what was it? Beef."
"Well, that would be because I can't afford five star Asgardian style meals, Prince Loki," spat Dee-Dee. Loki gave her a sour look. "Oh...shut up."
Dee-Dee snickered. "Great come back. Now go the fuck to sleep, asshat. We'll talk about feeding you in the morning."
She turned away and heard the faint scraping of something being taken from the cupboard and the cutlery draw being opened. Then the clatter of metal on metal. She glanced over her shoulder; "And if I catch you eating the Nutella from the jar, I will castrate you."
The jar was gingerly put back.
The next morning, Loki was sulking. Dee-Dee rolled her eyes and flounced past him as he sat in her spot on the couch, knees drawn up to his chin, scowling as he watched the television.
"Do you want to come out with me? Go get some fresh air when I'm in class and have lunch with me or something?"
"OK. You go right on ahead and act like a child, o mighty God of Mischief, rightful King of Asgard. There's Sunny D and bagels in the fridge if you get hungry. Bye!"
The door slammed behind her, but Loki could still hear her singing some ghastly Midgardian show tune as she bounced down the stairs. His scowl deepened.
When she came back at 4.25, Loki was climbing up the walls with boredom and hunger, full of remorse for his behaviour. He practically begged her for food and entertainment and was pleased when she waved the new DVD she'd bought triumphantly in the air. And then produced tonight's meal: Chinese. Loki groaned loudly and slumped face down into the couch with despair.
Dee-Dee cackled with laughter. "Haha! Come on, you, it's not that bad. Sit up and eat. Or you know, just starve for another night..."
Loki sat up slowly, dark curls sticking up everywhere. "I hate you," he pouted, "I hate this place, I hate every pathetic human being on this pitiful rock, and if I had my powers back I would raze it to the ground."
"Aw, come on, you don't mean that. Just try it, you might like it."
She unpacked the noodles, the chopsticks, the sauce and, to Loki, what looked like every damn ounce of strange, disgusting material on this forsaken planet.
He pulled a face as she sat down beside him on the couch and passed him his portion and a pair of chopsticks. Then she got the DVD set up – that sci-fi film she'd been promising to show him for ages – and settled, cross-legged, on her favourite spot.
After fumbling with the chopsticks for five minutes as Loki watched her with a sour expression, she mumbled, "Ah, fuck it," and got up to find a fork. Loki set down the food firmly and turned his attention to the screen, where some form of space-ship was getting blown to bits. A woman was giving birth and there was a great black squid-like thing hanging in the sky. It all looked very hectic.
"Oi, twatmobile." A fork hit him on the back of the head.
Dee-Dee bounced back down on the couch with a wide, dumb, intensely irritating grin. Loki counted slowly to ten and reminded himself just why he shouldn't strangle this girl.
They watched the film in silence for a few minutes, Dee-Dee eating, Loki tapping his fingers on his knee and praying she wouldn't notice that he hadn't touched the noodles.
"Hey, come on, dude. Play ball with me here." She grabbed the noodles and Loki's fork. "I've had enough of this fuckery. You're gonna eat this."
"Yes. Open wide."
"I spent good money on this you arrogant prick. Either you open wide or you starve forever."
And that was the story of how Loki ended up being spoon-fed cold sesame noodles by his room mate.