A/N: Kamen Rider Kivala is the most powerful rider of all! She managed to kill a main character Rider while he was in his most powerful form with one stab! More powerful than a Pluton Rocket! Tsukasa certainly wasn't enjoying himself in Tahiti looking for his helmet…
The Decade Intervention
by Shadow Crystal Mage
Disclaimer: Kamen Rider and most of the shows mentioned belongs to Toei, except for the Ultra-series, which belongs to…someone else.
Tsukusa checked his hair in the mirror one more time, nodding approvingly at how the overall effect made it look like he had villainous horns. He stared at his reflection, them posed, trying to decide which he'd use this time. The stare of manly resolve? The slightly sideways turn of heroic attitude? The Blue Steel? Steal something from Kaitou for once and do the two-finger gun? Decisions, decisions...
"Great Leader-sama, perhaps we should get going?" Shadow Moon said diplomatically, once more back from the dead. He really wished he knew how they did that. Would have made getting killed by Natsumi easier to handle. It was probably a union thing. "Our enemies won't destroy themselves..."
Tsukasa listened without really paying attention. The man was his underling, after all. Besides, he had a reputation to keep. He'd go with 'Sexy Beast' this time. "Yes, yes," he said in a manner so lackadaisical it would instantly cause offense in anyone with a shred of work ethic... and say what you will about evil organizations, but they knew the value of hard work. you couldn't take over the world by bumming around like some lazy biker, after all. "Fine, whatever. Let's go before my hair gel goes bad and lets me down."
Shadow Moon bowed as Tsukasa left the bathroom of the Hikari Studio, handing him the damp towel he'd been using. The evil Rider wondered what to do with the towel he'd been given before deciding to just throw it on the floor. He was evil, after all.
Eijiro had broken out the Doctor Shinigami white tuxedo and cape again, and was folding a large fried squid on a stick and a can of beer in case he needed to transform. He bowed deeply to Tsukasa, his long white hair swaying with the movement. Tsukasa had never been sure if those were extensions or if he actually somehow grew them out for these occasions. For some reason he was still wearing his woven cap on his head.
The three entered the main studio-slash-living room and Tsukasa paused, causing the two following him to do the same, lest they walk over their at-the-moment nominal boss.
"Tsukasa," Natsumi said sternly, arms folded and flanked at either side by Yuusuke, Kiva-la (though to be more precise the little white bat was on her head) and Daiki. "This is an intervention."
Yuusuke gave a sheepish smile, though he glared at Shadow Moon and looked uncomfortably as Shinigami, who now had a look of haughty loftiness as posed with his cane. How he held that while still carry the fried squid and beer was a mystery. Daiki, as usual, looked utterly unconcerned, rolling his eyes as if the say "This is the melon's idea, don't blame me". Above them was a banner that read 'Tsukasa's Intervention 6'.
"Natsumi, is this really the time?" Tsukasa said with evil arrogance and more than the usual level of Decadely aloofness.
"It's way past time," Natsumi asserted, one foot tapping rhythmically.
If Shadow Moon's eyes could narrow, they would have. "Watch your mouth, human," he said threateningly, some green electricity crackling around one hand. "You stand before the Great Leader of―"
Natsumi rolled her eyes, held out a thumb and jabbed it to the side of Shadow Moon's neck.
As the Metal Villain-esque Rider collapsed in helpless laughter, Natsumi turned her glare back towards Tsukasa.
Tsukasa gave an impatient sigh. "Look, I've stopped practicing speeches in front of the mirror like you've asked, okay?"
"It's not about that," Natsumi said.
"Can't we talk about this later?" he said. "I have important things to do."
Daiki snickered. Tsukasa gave him a glare.
"Ah..." Natsumi said. "Important things. What is it this time?"
"The Pretty Cures are hunting down all Riders," Tsukasa said promptly. "Therefore, we must hunt down all Pretty Cures to survive. Pretty Cures are Riders' enemies. Riders cannot live with Pretty Cures, and Pretty Cures cannot live with Riders. Only one can stand. Unless the Pretty Cures are destroyed… all Riders will be destroyed. I shall not rest until all Pretty Cures are vanquished! I will defeat all Pretty Cures!"
Yuusuke nodded. "You're right, it's worse than usual. He managed to say al that with a straight face without being embarrassed at all."
"What's left of his shame is usually the first to go when this happens," Daiki agreed, smiling brightly.
Natsumi ignored the peanut gallery. They were only there in case Tsukasa went nuts and henshined on her, after all. Sure, she could take care of him herself, but she might end up killing him again. She had to be careful as the most powerful Kamen Rider.
What? She was! She actually managed to kill a main character Rider in his most powerful form! That made her more powerful than a Pluton Rocket! "Tsukasa, this is an intervention." She took a deep breath. "Tsukasa, you've been joining as Great Leader and going on wars of extermination too much."
Silence, except for Shadow Moon clanking as he slowly got to his feet, his laughter fading away ominously.
Natsumi jabbed him with her thumb again.
As Shadow Moon fell back on the floor, Tsukasa said, "I've been Great Leader and going on extermination wars too much?"
The other three Riders nodded. "It was pretty cool at first, you going against those Super Sentai guys until Daiki went nuts and tried to kill everyone with a giant robot―"
"Marvelous was sea cucumber poaching," Daiki said cheerfully.
Yuusuke frowned. "When did this happen?"
"When we were saving my world from Dark Kiva as Kamen Rider Kivala and her sidekcik Kuuga."
"Oh. Wait, sidekick?-!"
"Everything turned out okay," Tsukasa said breezily as doctor Shinigami-Eijiro came back tapping his cane regally while carrying a tray of coffee. How he managed to hold on to the fried squid and beer while he did was anyone's guess. "Kaitou even managed to get that the Ultimate Treasure In The Universe was friendship between the Super Sentai and Riders. He and that Joe guy are penpals now."
"How come I don't know about this?" Yuusuke cried.
"I do have a private life after all," Daiki said haughtily. "Sometimes it's nice to talk to people who share your interests and have things in common with you."
"Eh? But… we're both Kamen Riders…"
"What's that got to do with anything?" Daiki said. "Joe at least is a pirate. We work in the same field, sort of thing. Some weekends we go out and break into museums for fun…"
Yuusuke drooped as Tsukasa stealthily tried to sneak out thanks to this distraction. There was no such luck as Natsumi blocked the front door.
"We're in the middle of an intervention!" she snapped. "You don't get to run away! Anyway, okay, that thing with the Super Sentai I heard was pretty cool… but then you went on that vendetta against those Metal Heroes…"
"The Metal Heroes were hunting down all Riders," Tsukasa said promptly, raising a fist. "Therefore, we had to hunt down all Metal Heroes to survive. Metal Heroes were Riders' enemies. Riders could not live with Metal Heroes, and Metal Heroes could not live with Riders. Only one could stand. Unless the Metal Heroes were destroyed… all Riders would have been destroyed. I could not rest until all Metal Heroes were vanquished! I set out to defeat all Metal Heroes!"
"And in the end, Space Shocker and the Space Mafia betrayed you to create their biggest, meanest Huge Machine," Natsumi said, rolling her eyes at the naming sense. "At least you remembered to tell Daiki that time so he wouldn't fall into a jealous rage. Again."
"And then after a few weeks you became Great Leader to hunt down Power Rangers…" Natsumi said.
"The Power Rangers were hunting down all Riders," Tsukasa said promptly, raising a fist. "Therefore, we had to hunt down all Power Rangers to survive. Power Rangers were Riders' enemies. Riders could not live with Power Rangers, and Power Rangers could not live with Riders. Only one could stand. Unless the Power Rangers were destroyed… all Riders would have been destroyed. I could not rest until all Power Rangers were vanquished! I set out to defeat all Power Rangers!"
"Though the way things turned out, it was a lot like the time he tried to hunt down all Super Sentai," Daiki mused. "Except there were no Dairanger or Kakuranger… and for some reason instead of Big Machine they called it Ultra Supreme Negazord…"
"Then there was that time you had it in for Great Detectives and Phantom Thieves…" Natsumi continued, her eyebrow twitching.
Kiva-la was shaking her head. "Those poor Milky Holmes had no idea why you were being so mean… the poor things were living in a leaky attic and eating mushrooms they grew under their bed!"
"Though I've got to admit, the enemy organization had an awesome name," Daiki said, spreading his arms expansively. "'Great Kaito'… has a majestic ring to it…"
"The Great Detectives and Phantom Thieves were–" Tsukasa began.
"– hunting down all Riders, yes yes," Natsumi said, waving a hand in irritated dismissal. "Has anyone found out why that actually started?"
Daiki looked away, whistling innocently.
"And then you targeted those Sailor Senshi girls…" Kivala said.
"The Sailor Senshi were hunting down all Riders," Tsukasa said promptly, raising a fist
"No, just Sailor Neptune, Sailor Uranus and Sailor Pluto, and only because you annoyed them," Daiki said. "And their leader seemed quite taken with Yuusuke, though I can't fathom why."
Yuusuke twirled a rose, looking smug. "Oh, you know… we used to date… in a past life…"
"And then you put together Ultra-Shocker…" Natsumi said.
"The Ultramen were hunting down all Riders," Tsukasa said promptly, raising a fist. "Therefore, we had to hunt down all Ultramen to survive. Ultramen were Riders' enemies. Riders could not live with Ultramen, and Ultramen could not live with Riders. Only one could stand. Unless the Ultramen were destroyed… all Riders would have been destroyed. I could not rest until all Ultramen were vanquished! I set out to defeat all Ultramen!"
"They were huge Tsukasa!" Natsumi snapped. "Poor J got beat up all alone."
"I never thought it was possible to feel sorry for King Dark," Daiki said, shaking his head.
"Then you seemed to go over the deep end and started vendettas against those innocent little Pokemon and Digimon…" Yuusuke said, having actually been round for that.
"The Pokemon and Digimon–"
"– were hunting down all Riders, yes we get it!" Daiki, Natsumi, Yuusuke and even Shadow Moon, still technically a Rider, all chorused in annoyance.
"I blame Narutaki," Tsukasa said seriously.
"It doesn't matter!" Natsumi said. "All these crazy extermination wars have to stop! We're getting a bad reputation! The Americans already don't like us since RX's weird space-billy cousin, do you have to make things worse?"
"I HAVE to do this Natsumikan," Tsukasa said. "It's a matter of honor."
The three exchanged glances. Then Natsumi raised her thumb.
"Yeah, Tsukasa's been stopped, so now we can skip to where all the Pretty Cures and Riders beat up the resurrected bad guys," Natsumi said over the phone as Daiki and Yuusuke tied up Tsukasa in the background, next to the smoking charred stain where Shadow Moon had fallen after he'd been stabbed in the belt buckle area (Most powerful Rider! If the Final Attack Ride works, don't fix it!). Eijiro was sulking over having his cape and wig confiscated. "Ah, Black and Cure Black are leading? That seems unorthodox… oh, they know each other from way back? How'd that happen? Oh, is that so… that's weird. Anyway, you promised to call me if they ever have a seasons-themed Pretty Cure team…"
The Bad End:
"The Servants are hunting down all Riders," Tsukasa said, fist clenched. "Therefore, we must hunt down all Servants to survive. Servants are Riders' enemies. Riders cannot live with Servants, and Servants cannot live with Riders. Only one can stand. Unless the Servants are destroyed… all Riders will be destroyed. I shall not rest until all Servants are vanquished! I will defeat all Servants!"
And thus, Matou Shinji won the Holy Grail War and doomed the world…
The REALLY Bad End:GARO
"The Makai Knights are hunting down all Riders," Tsukasa said, fist clenched. "Therefore, we must hunt down all Makai Knights to survive. Makai Knights are Riders' enemies. Riders cannot live with Makai Knights, and Makai Knights cannot live with Riders. Only one can stand. Unless the Makai Knights are destroyed… all Riders will be destroyed. I shall not rest until all Makai Knights are vanquished! I will defeat all Makai Knights!"
Decade was never seen or heard from again, and was sneakily replaced with Kamen Rider G, who became the Official 10th Heisei Main Rider. Curiously, Kaijin from the Showa Era also stopped resurrecting
The Whut-Duh-Fuq End
"The Akibarangers are hunting down all Riders," Tsukasa said, fist clenched. "Therefore, we must hunt down all Akibarangers to survive. Akibarangers are Riders' enemies. Riders cannot live with Akibarangers, and Akibarangers cannot live with Riders. Only one can stand. Unless the Akibarangers are destroyed… all Riders will be destroyed. I shall not rest until all Akibarangers are vanquished! I will defeat all Akibarangers!"
Akibared raised a finger politely. "Can you and AkibaShocker step over here to the left please?"
"Yes, that's fine. And can you please read what this note says?"
"Uh, okay… 'when all this is over, I intend to go visit my remaining relative, who I love and are eagerly looking forward to seeing, and I will be very happy…'"
The defeat was so embarrassing the Kaijin concluded they broke even just to see a Kamen Rider so utterly humiliated.
The True End
"The Sparkly Vampires are hunting down all Riders," Tsukasa said, fist clenched. "Therefore, we must hunt down all Sparkly Vampires to survive. Sparkly Vampires are Riders' enemies. Riders cannot live with Sparkly Vampires, and Sparkly Vampires cannot live with Riders. Only one can stand. Unless the Sparkly Vampires are destroyed… all Riders will be destroyed. I shall not rest until all Sparkly Vampires are vanquished! I will defeat Sparkly Vampires!"
"WE will defeat the Sparkly Vampires," Captain Marvelous declared. "For killing them will bring about the Supreme Omega Really The Best Treasure In All Creation! THEM NOT BEING THERE!"
"Amen!" Tommy Oliver said, discreetly trying to scrape off the silver stripes on his helmet.
"They give vampires a bad name!" Duckula, Grandpa Munster, The Count from Sesame Street, Cedric Diggory and Yumizuka Satsuki cried.
And thus, were all Heroes and Evil Organizations united under one cause, and they worked together to create peace across all creation…
A/N: Yeah, Daiki's gay for Tsukasa. It's canon, deal with it.
How many meta references can you spot?
Tsukasa's other 5 interventions were for:
1) Using the studio to take pictures of himself posing in his underwear;
2) the bird being the word;
3) Ordering embarrassing ero stuff online and having it delivered to him in Yuusuke's name;
4) Leaving the toilet seat up;
5) practicing speeches that sought to teach moral Aesops in front of the mirror, complete with transforming.
Please review, C&C welcome.
Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.