I'm not sure if you guys realized/got a notification but I replaced my chapter 55 author's note with a real chapter so please read that before you read this one cause else you'll miss a chapter and an (important) author's note (:
Chapter 56 iDon't know
~ * Sam * ~
I walk down the street after talking with Brad in the elevator. He's right. There's no one else who can fix this than me and Freddie. Well, me especially…I'm the one giving him a hard time, but he deserves it, he gave me a way harder time.
I really don't understand what is going on with me. I wanna stop being so pissed and angry at Freddie but I can't. It's like someone inside me is trying to fight against our relationship, like no matter how happy we are there always has to be something that ruins it.
I don't even know where I'm going right now. I just needed to get out of the apartment for a bit. I might as well actually get some chicken like I told Brad. I actually just made that up cause I knew he would tell Freddie and I don't want them to be worried about me.
I walk towards the center of Seattle and look through the window of the Groovie Smoothie as I walk past it. I smile slightly as I think back of all the times Carly, Freddie, me and sometimes Gibby, Spencer and Brad sat there at a table together. Before Carly moved to Italy a while ago we would spend time together there almost every day. We were so carefree back then, literally the biggest problem we had was when I got detention or got stuck in jail and if we would make it to do iCarly. I can't believe how much problems growing up and being hopelessly in love brings, is it all even worth it?
Is Freddie worth all this pain? Of course he is… I sigh. Freddie is the best thing that ever happened to me. I don't wanna lose him, I guess I just wanna give him the same pain as he put me in, and not physically this time. I mean the same emotional pain as he put me in, cause God, that pain is so much worse than physical pain. I just want him to realize what he put me through, I want him to not only realize but also really feel and experience it, so that he will never put me through that again. Does that make me a bad wife?
Every married couple will feel like this once in a while right? I know that I still love him more than anything or anyone, I just want to make sure he will never hurt me like that again. I know it wasn't completely his own fault, it was the PTSD and his meds but still, he was conscious of it all, so he could have stopped it.
I continue to walk down the street till I reach the center and walk over to my favorite fried chicken takeaway. It's been ages since I came here. I'm actually craving some of their chicken wings. I walk inside and over to the counter, ordering some.
I wait till they're ready and then take the bucket of chicken wings I ordered over to a table before sitting down. I'm only now realizing that it's been a while since I actually went somewhere without Freddie. We do everything together…
I start to eat the chicken and sigh to myself. I miss him already. What the fuck, I can't even go somewhere alone without missing him anymore? Guess that really shows how much I love him.
So in this state of mind, I can't be with him but I also can't be without him? My heart and mind are playing tricks on me, damn it.
I sit there for a couple minutes, just staring and stuffing chicken wings in my mouth, I'm not even enjoying them properly, all I can think of is Freddie.
I stand up after sitting at the table for about an hour and throw the empty bucket in the bin before walking back outside. I guess I'll go back home, cause apparently neither the chicken or fresh air help me get rid of these sad and angry feelings.
I sigh and walk out of the center, back down the street to Bushwell Plaza. I bump into a few people along the way and they yell at me, I can hear them but everything basically goes past me, my thoughts are far, far away from the traffic.
After a few minutes I get back to Bushwell. I walk inside and roll my eyes as I hear Lubert yell something to me about walking on his just cleaned floor.
''I live here I need to walk here!'' I yell back at him and roll my eyes again before walking up the stairs, I don't feel like taking the elevator alone, it reminds me of when Freddie and me broke up…
I walk upstairs to our apartment and bite my lip slightly. I'm kind of hoping Freddie isn't home yet, I don't want him to start asking me questions about where I've been and stuff. I get my key out and unlock the door, walking inside quietly before closing the door behind me.
I look up and smile slightly as Freddie's not here and I only see Marissa sitting in the kitchen. ''Hey..'' I say and walk over to her.
''Hey.'' She says and she smiles as she looks up at me. ''Have you eaten? I wanted to just make an easy dinner cause I thought I would be by myself but since you're here now I can make something else?''
I shake my head. ''No it's okay I just got some food.''
Marissa nods. "Okay…are you feeling alright?'' She bites her lip slightly.
I nod. ''Yeah I'm fine…''
''Are you sure? Cause you look like you're quite upset. You can talk to me y'know?''
I sigh quietly. ''I'm just…feeling mad, but I don't want to feel like that so I'm really sorry.''
''Sam, don't feel sorry for your feelings, you can't help them, it's okay.''
I shrug. ''I guess so.''
I kind of don't wanna talk about my feelings but at the same time I do. Maybe Marissa will understand me, even though I'm about to tell her I'm purposely hurting her son just to teach him a lesson… wow that sounds fucked up.
''You're mad at Freddie right?''
Is she reading my mind or something?
''You can't fool me Sam, I've noticed how distant you are towards him.''
I bite my lip. ''Yeah… I really don't want to be…I just feel so angry and pissed at him for the way he treated me…I just can't seem to forgive him even though I want to, because I know that it wasn't all on him. I know that he wasn't himself and that he was under influence of meds and his PTSD but it just hurt… so much.''
I look down and try to hold back tears. Oh shit, I'm feeling a breakdown coming up…
I'm expecting Marissa to defend Freddie and I understand if she will, he's her son after all and I just have a fucked up emotion system, I wish I was like a normal person with them. Why do I have to be so complicated?
Marissa nods. ''I understand sweetie…I do. What he did was wrong, and we can't just blame it all on the meds and PTSD.''
I look up at her surprised. ''Yeah I guess so… But I really don't want to feel this way Marissa, I really don't. I don't wanna push him away, I just want him to realize how much pain he put me through, and I know how mean that sounds, I don't understand why I want this either. My heart and mind have always been each other's enemies.'' I sigh.
''Sam, don't worry you don't have to defend yourself. We all have our own difficulties in our personalities, yours happens to be that you don't know how to handle your emotions, and that's okay. We all have our flaws.'' She smiles as she looks at me.
I smile slightly as I look up at her. ''Thank you…why are you being so nice?''
''Because you make my son happy. And his happiness means everything to me. And whenever you're upset, he's upset, and whenever you're happy, he's happy. Get the circle?'' She smirks slightly.
I chuckle slightly and nod. ''Yeah I get it.''
''But besides that, you're also my daughter-in-law. And you live in my house, we've created a special bond Sam. I know that it has always seemed like I envied you, but that was before I realized who the real you is. You're a beautiful girl with a good heart, and I really care about you. You've become kind of like the daughter I've never had to me.''
I look up at her and get tears in my eyes when she says that. ''You mean that?''
For the first time in my life I feel loved and cared for by an adult. Who would have ever thought that Marissa Benson would be kind of a mother figure for me.
''Yes I do. You've been through so much in your young life already, and you didn't deserve any of that. You're such a strong girl. I know you are a strong independent person but I still feel like I need to take care of you a little bit like a mother would. I want to make sure you're happy and safe, for you and for Freddie.''
I smile when she says that. That's the sweetest thing anyone except for Freddie and Carly has ever said to me. I let a few tears roll down my cheek as I look up at her. ''Thank you so much, that's so sweet Marissa.''
Marissa smiles. ''Don't worry about it sweetie, it's okay.'' She leans down and hugs me.
I hug her back and sniff, trying to stop the tears from coming.
''Look, I won't tell you to just forgive Freddie right away, but don't push him away. Cause that way you might lose him. And I know that both of you don't want that. Just give him some time, don't ignore him and don't be short off, just show him less affection, that will make him feel what you felt already, trust me.''
I nod. ''Okay…I will. Thank you.''
''You two will work this out. Just talk to him. Maybe after a few days tell him how you feel. I know you both can't be without each other for too long.''
I shake my head and sigh. ''We really can't… you know us to well.'' I smirk slightly and wipe my tears away.
Marissa chuckles slightly and nods. ''I know.''
''Hey, it's okay to make him feel what you felt, just don't be too hard on him okay? I know that you love him so much and that you wouldn't wish as much pain to him as you went through.'' Marissa says.
I smile slightly and nod. ''I'll try to let my mind handle it like that. I do love him, more than anything or anyone.''
Marissa smirks slightly and nods. ''Good.''
I smile. ''Thank you… for everything. You deserve way more appreciation than me and Freddie give you.''
Marissa shakes her head and smiles. ''It's alright. I just like caring for you two.''
I smirk slightly and nod. ''Alright. Well… As a thank you I'll make you that easy dinner.''
Marissa chuckles and nods. ''Okay, thank you.''
I smile and walk to the kitchen. Wow…this talk with Marissa made me feel so much better. She's right, I love Freddie way too much to purposely hurt him a lot. I just want to hurt him a little, so it will keep him from hurting me.
I really hope the angry feelings will stay away, I don't want them anymore. How great would it be to just be able to throw certain emotions away in the bin.