"Look at What I've Done" - written by CeCeDanielle
Author's Note: This is my first attempt at writing on this site, so please be gentle. I must confess: I am not an English teacher, nor am I an English major. So, my punctuation might be a little rusty. I heard this song on the radio, and it inspired me to write about my favorite couple, Ana and Christian. I have decided this story will be set in the first book right after Ana receives her extreme spanking from Christian that causes her to leave him. Lyrics belong to Chris Cagle and characters and some scenes in the story belong to E.L. James. The plot is all mine. This is more of a song fic than anything, but if I get enough positive reviews I may decide to keep going :) Thanks for reading!
I felt dirty. I felt ashamed. I gave into my cravings and spanked Ana with a belt, upon her request. I should have known she couldn't handle it. After I drop the belt to the floor and lean down to rub her sweet cheeks to ease the pain, she turns her head to look at me. Her eyes, beautiful shades of blue, staring into my tired, gray eyes. She tried to look strong for me. I could see her beautiful blue eyes were holding back hot tears, knowing she wouldn't let them fall in front of me.
Just earlier tonight, she asked me to spank her to show her how extreme my lifestyle is. To see if she could tolerate the pain. Looking at her right now, I know my Ana cannot handle this. She doesn't deserve this. She doesn't deserve to be with a man who thrives on beating her. I'm fifty shades of fucked up, and Ana is the definition of perfect. That's when I decided to leave and end my relationship with Anastasia Steele, my Ana.
"Are you okay?" I ask Ana as I look down at her with nothing but concern in my eyes. I already know the answer to the question, I feel like an idiot for asking. I just don't know what to say.
"Yes." she replies quietly trying to shake off the soft sobs that want to escape her body.
I know I have damaged her and our relationship.
"Why didn't you use the safe word, Ana?" I ask angrily, "I have told you time and time again that if I hurt you, use the safe word and I'll stop."
Ana just looks down at her feet, wringing her hands and shakes her head repeatedly. Finally, she looks up at me, "It didn't hurt Christian, there was no need to use the safe word if I wasn't in pain."
"That's bullshit!" I practically scream at her, "I know you're in pain. I don't like it when you lie to me, Anastasia."
She rolls her eyes at me and screams back, "What would you even know about the pain you just put me through, Christian? If you knew I were in pain, you would have stopped immediately. But you didn't. I have come to accept this, Christian. I have come to accept you for who you are and your needs. I love you Christian. I can deal with this part of your life, I have no choice."
I look at her and take in her beauty. Even with the red rimmed, puffy eyes she looks more radiant than ever. She is my Ana, my angel. I can't let her live through life putting up with my fifty shades of fucked up. She deserves better than this. She deserves better than me.
So I speak, "You're right, Ana. I have made you give up so much of your life just to be with me. I never let you make a decision. Not about your car, the blackberry, the computer, nothing. I forced everything on you at once. I haven't let you breathe since you met me. You're too good for me, Anastasia."
Ana looks at me with wide eyes, she knows what's coming. She speaks, "That's not what I meant, Christian. I have no choice but to accept it, because I love you. Don't you understand? I accept you because I love you. I would endure all the pain in the world to be with you."
I silently shake my head at her. I cannot accept her words of love after I just hurt her. She's too good for me. I realize now to protect her from myself, I must be cruel to her. I must lie and look straight into her eyes to make her see she deserves better than me.
"Ana, I cannot do this anymore. You're so young, so naive and innocent. I should have known better than to be getting into any kind of relationship with you."
She looks at me, fresh tears threatening to spill from her eyes, "You don't mean that Christian. You love me, I know you do!"
"I don't love, Ana. I don't even love myself. You deserve to be with someone who will love and cherish you. I cannot give you that, so I don't want to give your heart false hope."
She is crying when she speaks again, "You do love me, Christian. You made love to me just the other night."
I saw it in her eyes
When I was sayin' goodbye
That girl, she ain't gonna be alright
'Cause I could tell
She'd be goin' through a livin' hell
And I wouldn't be there by her side
And lord I felt so bad as I sat and watched her cry
Thinkin' I was movin' on and she was barely gettin' by
Look at what I've done to her
Look at how I made her feel
I gave back her heart, the broken part
She got the wrong end of the deal
And look at what it's done to me
You gotta know it tears me up
I gave it everything I had, and
Lord, it just wasn't enough
And hurtin' her like this seems so wrong
Yeah, look at what I've done to her
Now she's alone
I have to keep reminding myself that I must be cruel to her so I can get my point across and she'll move on. "As I told you before, Ana, I don't make love. I fuck. I'm sorry, but you are sadly mistaken. We have never made love, it was just pure fucking to me."
Ana looked flabbergasted. "I cannot believe you just said that to me. Am I not enough for you, Christian? Is this what it all boils down to?"
I look up at her, but cannot meet her eyes, I cannot lie to them. What I feel with Ana is real. Its the most exhilarating thing I have ever experienced in my life, but I know that I, Christian Grey, am not worthy of such love. Like I said before, she deserves better than me.
I take a deep breath and reply, "No, Ana, you're not enough."
She closes her eyes as sobs start to escape from her body. I wanted so badly to take her into my arms and never let her go. But I had to be realistic. and keep repeating that I'm not the one for her as much as it pained me to think it.
She doesn't say anything as she stands up to retrieve her clothing. She dresses quietly and reaches for the door. She opens it and takes one last look at me. I can see what's behind her eyes. She's begging me to come to her, to apologize. She doesn't want to walk out on me no matter how cruel I had been.
All I can do is shake my head at her, I cannot bring myself to say the words again, but she understands the message clear. She takes a deep breath and says to me, barely above a whisper, "You'll regret this one day, Christian Grey."
I look down at my feet knowing that she is indeed, correct. I already regret it that moment, but I cannot let her know that. She'll stay and I'll end up ruining her life. I look back up as I hear the door clicking shut and hear her footsteps leaving me, growing fainter as she walks down the hallway.
Sooo, what'd ya think? Love it? Hate it? Please tell me! :) I will update the next chapters a few song verses at a time. Then after the song is finished, I will continue if you guys like it enough.