The Art of Getting By
iParty AU | Jade/Tori | PG-13
"Why are you so bent out of shape about this, Vega? You got your revenge – kudos on that, by the way – and now it's time to move on."
"I'm trying, Jade."
"Gee, thanks. Your sympathy is greatly appreciated."
"Your sarcasm is not."
"Why not? You don't even like me!"
"That could not be more true."
"Could you be any more of a gank?"
"Keep whining and I guarantee you'll find out."
"Why I'm Tori Vega, and I know prissy pointy words and I'm not afraid to use them!"
"I DON'T TALK LIKE THAT!"
"Geez, Vega. Don't get your panties in a pretzel. No wonder loverboy was having all kinds of web-celeb cake and eating it too."
"Shut up about Steven, Jade! AND MY PANTIES ARE NOT IN A PRETZEL!"
"Like hell they aren't. You should have let the pretty-boy player untangle them for you. There's nothing quite like sexual favours to hold a guy's interest."
"Fuck you, Jade."
"Well. Who knew little-miss-pretzel-panties even knew such big bad words?"
"Seriously, Jade, I mean it. Fuck off and leave me alone."
"Struck a nerve, huh, Vega? Relax, I was kidding. We all know what a paradigm of chastity and virtue you are, it's not like – shit, are you crying?"
"You always were a terrible actress."
"… something I said?"
"Just go away! Please!"
"No. I'm supposed to cheer you up."
"Well, you're doing a bang up job. Thank you so much for your kind words of wisdom."
"Hey, the guys bullied me into this, okay? It's not like I want to hold your hand and look at your pathetic face as you make it shine with wholeheartedly unattractive my-boyfriend-is-a-cheating-bastard tears."
"Why would the guys think that you would cheer me up? Are they retarded? And since when can you be bullied into doing anything?"
"When that cupcake and unicorn mural Cat scrawled across your wall failed to soothe your tortured soul they called me in as a last resort. And since they took my favourite scissors hostage and Beck threatened to withhold sex."
"They're not gonna live to regret that, are they?"
"I'm perplexed as to why you fashioned that statement into a question."
"Look, Vega, just tell me what's got you all teary-eyed so I can get the fuck outta here and put on my assassin face. As quick and painless as possible, if you please."
"Oh, I don't know, Jade. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that you've spent the last ten minutes being the world's biggest gank and won't stop rubbing the fact that I was humiliated by the guy I gave everything to in my face!"
"ALL I DID was suggest that prying apart those dimpled knees of yours might help keep whatever idiot you date next from slipping it to some – oh. Shit."
"Yeah. 'Oh shit' is right."
"Oh, Tori… I wasn't – I was joking. Just fucking around – I didn't mean – "
"Whatever, Jade. It's fine."
"No, it's not. You – you really slept with him?"
"Yeah. I feel like such an idiot."
"That's pretty much impossible right now, Jade."
"You're not, like, pregnant, right?"
"No, thank God. Just a big old heaping dose of humiliation making me nauseous."
"It was your first time."
"That's… fucked up. He shouldn't have done that to you, Tori – any of it. But especially that."
"Yeah, well. He did."
"Not your fault."
"It's not yours, either. You know that right? Tori? Hey – don't cry. I mean it. I hate crying. Tori – ugh. Move over."
"What… what are you doing?"
"Being comforting. There there."
"You're hugging me."
"Don't remind me."
"Shut up. Do NOT turn this into a thing, because it is NOT a thing, okay? Good."
"I didn't agree to – "
"Okay, jeez! It's not a thing and I'm shutting up."
"Damn right you are."
"It is though."
"IT'S NOT A THING – "
"I meant it's my fault Steven cheated!"
"Oh. How'd you figure that then?"
"I drew a conclusion from the experiment that is my love life."
"Based on what exactly?"
"The data I've collected over the years."
"Are you trying to irritate me by taking forever to get to the point?"
"Alright, put your scissors away. The point is that every guy I've ever dated has cheated on or used me. Ergo: we have a positive correlation between the two variables. And the independent variable, the one that stays the same throughout the experiment? Is me. The guys are always different."
"You are such a nerd. Joke! I was joking! Don't you dare start crying again. Look, it's not you, okay? It's the guys that are the same, Vega. Maybe not literally or whatever but when you get down to it they're all assholes. No arguing that."
"Science doesn't lie."
"That's not science, it's you being an idiot."
"And true. Shit happens. That's life. You don't need a guy anyway. You've got… you know. Other stuff."
"I'm just curious, Jade. Tell me. Tell me what other stuff I've got."
"You're really starting to push your luck."
"You know, I'm starting to feel some more tears coming on – "
"Okay, Jesus! You've got… singing and… acting, at a stretch. And – Christ. You have your friends."
"Yes. You know who they are."
"Vega – "
"You mean Andre and Cat? Robbie and Beck?"
"Yep, that about sums 'em up."
"What about you?"
"What about me?"
"Do I have you, Jade?"
"You sure about that?"
"Yep, still hate you."