Disclaimer: All the characters belong to DC Comics
Rated T for sexual circumstances
Bruce looked up briefly to study the man in front of him, "What is it Barry?" It wasn't often that Barry Allen aka the Flash requested to visit Bruce at the Manor instead of the Justice League HQ, so since this was such a rarity Bruce felt an obligation to allow the speedster to come over.
"Uhh, can we talk alone?" Barry asked, looking over at the eight year old Dick who was busy finishing his math homework.
Bruce looked over at his young ward and shook his head. "No, I'm not leaving that kid unsupervised again. Ever since Alfred went on vacation, Dick feels like he can get away with everything. Just yesterday he decided to practice throwing Batarangs at my collection of 19th century Italian plates," he briefly shook his head at the memory.
"Granted they're ugly as hell, but that's no excuse. I put him in time out while I cleaned up his mess, only to return to find him swinging on the moving fan." A giggle erupted at the opposite side of the room.
"That was fun," Dick said cheerfully as his face shot up to smile at the two adults.
"Damn kid, you're just a troublemaker aren't you?" Barry laughed while rustling the boys hair. A sigh escaped Bruce while he pinched the bridge of his nose.
"He respects Alfred just fine, but when it comes to me," he gave the boy a half-hearted batglare that only brought out more giggles.
"I respect you Bruce, it's just funny when you're mad!" Barry looked wide-eyed at the child.
"It's funny when THE Batman's mad at you? Are you kidding me?" If the kid seriously thought the batglare was a laughing matter, he must have some sort of secret superpower.
"When Batman gets mad at you," Dick clarified, "You run to China, fast. When Bruce gets mad at you," he said motioning to his guardian, "it's just funny." Bruce let out another heavy sigh while leaning back in his chair.
"I guess I'm a softie when it comes to you," he smirked. "I'll make sure Batman gives you a visit every so often so you'll stay good" Dick frantically shook his head.
"Uhh, no, I'll be good! See I'm finishing my homework like you asked," he exclaimed holding up the single piece of paper.
"Good," Bruce chuckled before focusing his attention back to Barry. "So, what did you want to talk about?"
Barry looked hesitantly at the young boy who was concentrating on his multiplication tables before refocusing on Bruce.
"Well, you see, uh, how should I put this," he muttered. "Well, last night me and Iris were at a party. Had a good time, downed a couple of drinks, and when we got back we…hugged."
"…Hugged?" Forwarding his brow, Bruce stared questionably at the speedster.
"Yes…hugged." Wishing he had telepathic abilities, Barry motioned to Dick with his head hoping his friend would understand what he meant.
"Oh…hugged." Bruce said while eyeing his boy. "And so what? Did she not enjoy it?" Feeling like that was some sort of insult, Barry sneered.
"Of course she enjoyed it! I give really good hugs alright? What makes you say that?" Bruce smirked at his frantic friend.
"Well, they do call you the fastest man alive."
"…You totally did not just go there." In all other occasions, hearing Bruce tell a joke would have made Barry's day. But since it was at his expense, it fell flat.
"Let me clarify, before you come to any other conclusions," Barry stated. "Iris and I…we hugged without, um, protection."
"So you're worried that Iris got your shirt dirty or-"
"No!" Barry gasped. "We're worried that, umm, that she might be pregnant." Bruce's eyebrows rose slightly, looking into the distraught man's pitiful expression.
"And you think I could help, how exactly?"
"Well you're Mr. Playboy Billionaire, you've had to have a scare or two in your line of work."
"I'm a professional," he said dryly. "My hugs are top notch, we're always extremely safe and cautious. I don't make a mistake like that,"
Barry rolled his eyes at his enlarged friends ego.
"Sorry man, but no one's perfect. With the amount of hugs you get, I say the chances are a bit higher then 0 that a Wayne Jr. is walking around somewhere. Man," Barry laughed, "If the day comes when you find out you have a kid, I have to be there to see the look on your face! I'll go back in time and watch it over and over, hahaha-" Bruce slapped his hand on the hardwood table, the loud noise interrupting the speedster.
"No more talk about this, do you want my help or not?" Bruce said with a low growl.
Barry nodded, "Yeah…sorry man guess I got carried away," he sat there awkwardly, awaiting a possible batglare. To his relief Bruce shifted his gaze back to a neutral uninterested look, and huffed.
"So then, you're afraid of having a kid?" Barry gave a slow nod.
"They're not easy," Bruce said motioning to Dick. "But they're worth it. My life wouldn't be quite right without the rugrat." He let a small smile show while looking at his boy.
"But I'm not ready! Iris and I didn't even really want any kids of our own. I love being an Uncle," he clarified. "To both Wally and your protégé. I just don't know if I can change diapers, wake up at 3AM to sooth a screaming baby, clean up their messes-"
"ENOUGH!" A startled Barry and Bruce stared at Dick who had leapt from his chair and was storming towards the two men.
"Look, Barry, I don't know how to tell you this but giving out hugs won't make someone pregnant! I can't believe two superheroes, the Flash and Batman, don't even understand the basic's of biology. I'm mostly disappointed by you Barry," he said while crossing his arms. "You're a scientist! Bruce isn't married so I can sorta understand if he doesn't know yet, but come on!" The child let out an angry huff.
Bruce and Barry looked at one another, unsure on how to proceed.
Awkwardly, Barry stood up and walked to the door. "Uh, thank you Dick that's a big relief! Bruce, I'll see you at the meeting tomorrow. Wish I could stay longerbutIriswantsmehomebye!" Barry zipped out the door, leaving a very satisfied Dick behind.
"I probably just blew him mind," Dick said triumphantly. "He's probably at home finally catching up on some biology lessons. Speaking of which," Dick's face turned serious while he sat down at the table alongside Bruce. He let out a deep breath before placing a hand on his guardians shoulder.
"I think we need to have a talk."
The next day after the weekly Justice League meeting, Barry zipped over enthusiastically to the giant bat.
"I've never been so happy to go to the store for chocolate ice cream, chocolate candy bars, chocolate cookies, anything even resembling chocolate!" He let out a sigh in delight.
"I take it she's not pregnant then?" Batman asked as he glanced away from a packet of files that he was studying.
"Nope! Ol' Aunt Flo finally made her monthly visit. There's still stress, but this type of chaos I can handle." Batman let out snort before shaking his head.
"Hey speaking of which, how was that little talk with Robin? That kid really threw me for a loop that's for sure!" Flash started to laugh but was immediately stopped by the batglare.
"Yeah, thanks for running out on me like that. I really appreciate it." He said sarcastically. "Apparently I learned that his parent's were really blunt. I asked what he knew and he told me some very…detailed explanations." Batman grimaced while remembering the awkwardness.
"Hah, well I guess you can't live in a circus with a bunch of humping animals without asking a question or two," Barry said while walking Batman to the exit.
"Oh by the way," Batman said while opening the door. "Robin requests that you bring over your high school diploma next time you see him. For some reason, he doesn't believe that you ever graduated."
"Great, now the kid thinks I'm an idiot," Barry groaned.
"He's not wrong," the door quickly shut, leaving Barry alone to rage over the insult.