Done for a writing challenge, edited and posted here for the lolz.
Stuff Valzy Does
Sir Death Emizel sighed. He drummed his fingers on his presidential desk, but wasn't careful and accidentally flame broiled it with a burst of magic. "Oh damn... father said that was the last one, too... Well, good thing we're extorting the senators again today."
In the Netherworld, Sir Death Emizel, the ex-bratty demon kid, spell-casting extraordinaire had taken over the Corrupterment and had become the new president. He had forced ex-President Axel out running after a fourth assassination attempt and cheesecake war incident. Emizel personally made sure all the records of Axel's presidency were fed to alpacas.
Either way, Emizel, at the age of but a boy, had become the Netherworld President. Dood was stoked.
"This means we can finally turn the Netherworld back into what it used to be... and start scaring humans into believing in us demons again! Joyful day it be-"
The doors to the office burst open. The bodyguards, who were standing at the sides of the room, having failed to tune out Emizel's ramblings, dashed to the door.
"Hey, you can't come in here without an appointment and a plate of cheesecake you smelly bastard-" The bodyguard was promptly backhanded across the room, and out of a window... where he fell screaming a good 500 feet.
Emizel gaped. "NO! I was going to cut him out of the payroll legally! Now I'll have to pay condolences to the family..."
The person who had done the backhanding was a tall man with long, wild silver hair. He had intimidating amber eyes and a bad scowl, and tail that matched his hair. Well, technically he wasn't a man so much as he was an untransformed werewolf. Emizel frowned at the arrival.
"Fenrich! What the hell, man? Ever heard of knocking!? I'm your President now, for pete's sake! Would it kill you to show a little respect!?" Emizel shouted and pointed accusingly.
Fenrich grinned deviously, "Oh yes, sorry Mr. President. Would you like some ass-kissing with your non-existent respect as well? Yes? Well, too bad."
The other guard was incinerated shortly after in a blaze of flame. A red skull boy bounced in the room. "YEZ! I did it Mr. Fenrich! Do I get that raise now-"
Fenrich backhanded the mage out another window as well.
"Agh... my windows..." Emizel mumbled, "I had just gotten the Axel stained glass versions replaced, too..."
It wasn't long before another person entered the office. He was shorter, but wore black, had a black cape, black spikey hair, and was as pale as the papers on Emizel's desk. There was no mistaking this vampire. The most powerful demon in the Netherworld...
"Valvatorez?! You too? Aw man... are you guys here for the Presidential seat? Not cool, I just took it yesterday!"
Fenrich moved aside and placed a hand over his chest as Valvatorez entered the room, "Actually, if it were the seat we were after, I would have had a sniper take you out quickly and quietly the other day. No need, though, since my Lord simply wishes to stay a Prinny Instructor. However far below him it may be..."
Valvatorez nodded at Fenrich's statement, "Indeed, I have no desire to become President. My true calling is to beat the sense into Prinnies everywhere and train them to become upright individuals! But enough of what you already know, I'm here for another reason."
Emizel relaxed. Though they were comrades, Valvatorez and Fenrich were... unorthodox. Like... rebel against the government, reform the world, defy God unorthodox.
"You are? What is it, then? WAIT! How'd you get past all my guards without them sounding the alarm!? Someone is getting SO fired..."
"Ah, well Fuka and Desco are handling the guards. We walked right in during the carnage." Valvatorez explained simply.
Emizel tilted his head then turned around to look out the broken window. There was his staff... Hiding behind a barricade, AWAY from the Blight House, mind you, and shouting threats at the invaders.
"If you surrender now, we'll only kill you painfully! That's our final offer!" shouted a lady with pointed ears.
"Can it! We've got orders from Valzy!" Yelled Fuka. The dead school girl was pointing an ax at them. "So, you should pack up and go home so we don't have to hurt you. Since I'm dreaming, I can make it hurt A LOT."
"That's right!" Cried Desco. She had just gotten finished throttling a nearby Prinny guard, and tossed him at an approaching guard.
"NO, DOOD-" Naturally, the Prinny exploded on his face.
Desco continued, "Despite Big Sis's delusion that this all a dream, Desco will kill any one who doesn't listen to big sis and makes this any more annoying!"
"Valvatorez...? Oh damn..." the agent lowered her megaphone for a second, rethinking her current line of work and overall life in general. But only a moment later had she pulled it back up and yelled, "Be that as it may, our paychecks are still in that damned house, so-"
Fuka's ax came flying out of the Blight House and hit the agent in the head. A giant laser beam from Desco followed soon after and promptly incinerated the agent. Most of the other staff members ran after that.
"Aw, shoot!"Emizel groaned, "That was Tyler! She cooked the best pies..."
Fenrich tapped his chin, "So now, what had you asked...? Oh right, why we're here. Well, seeing as how you're the President now," Fenrich began unveiling the truth on his master's behalf, "you'd make the perfect political puppet-figurehead for us to pass a few bills to help further my Lord's cause."
"Wait... wait, isn't that illegal?" Emizel asked.
Valvatorez shook his head. "Not at all. No one else will know, therefore it can't be illegal. Besides, I wouldn't care if it was anyway."
"Makes sense. Fenrich... this was your idea, wasn't it?"
Fenrich smirked and did a small bow, "Of course. What better way to get political nonsense done than to force someone in power to do it? All is for my Lord..." Next, he pulled out some papers. "Now, let's get straight to business then, shall we? First, we will-"
Valvatorez threw out his cape for dramatic flair. "First, we shall establish every other Thursday as Sardine Appreciation Day!"
Emizel face-palmed. Fenrich grimaced.
"Yes, my Lord... but wouldn't you find it more appealing and beneficial to enact stricter demons-scaring-human policies? If I may-"
"Nope. This is far more important." Valvatorez shook his head, "First... we must-"
"There they are! Kill both intruders!" More guards were running toward the office. One was a cat. Valvatorez promptly spun around, having pulled out a revolver as well, and shot the cat. The bullet exploded on impact and took out the hall the guards were in.
One of the guards was coughing when the explosion died down, "Oh... what the hell... oh my God... Jim... JIM! JIM STAY WITH ME! Why... WHY DOES THE ASH SMELL LIKE SPAHGETTI!?"
"It's amazing what the Item World can do..." Valvatorez turned back to Emizel, who had climbed as far back on his chair as he could out of fear. "Now first we must enact this holiday." Valvatorez continued, "Only once the demons of the Netherworld learn of the power that sardines can grant them can they effectively re-educate the humans into behaving properly! It's a process of evolution!"
"...Despite the sardines, strengthening the demons before enacting a stricter policy would probably do a lot of good..." Emizel admitted, turning thoughtful.
Fenrich looked surprised as well, but immediately regained his composer, "...Of course! As expected of you, my Lord; always thinking a step ahead."
"So, how do you plan on doing this, Valvatorez?" Emizel asked as a dazed and singed Zombie staggered in, having endured the exploding bullet blast. "Oh, hey Buttsworth! Cancel my two 'o clock meeting. We're talkin' business, yo!"
"Ugh... will do... sir... have... have you seen my arm?"
Buttsworth was ignored. "My plan is simple, rascal..." Valvatorez stated. He pulled out a remote with a big red button and pressed it, "To demonstrate the power of sardines, I planted a time bomb in the castle's generator room. It will go off in 15 seconds and completely the destroy the Blight House."
Emizel and Fenrich both blank faced out for a second before they both eventually shouted, "YOU WHAT?!"
"Yep! Around ten seconds now. Or did I set it to ten...? Hm. Either way, better get through that window!" Val made a dash for it.
Fenrich muttered a curse and followed, "MY LORD! PLEASE TELL ME WHEN YOU PLAN THINGS LIKE THIS! HOW DOES THIS STRENGTHEN THE DEMONS, ANYWAY?!" Fenrich grabbed Emizel by the face and took him out the window with them.
Emizel shouted, "NOOOO! I HAD A PUMPKIN FLAVORED CHEESECAKE IN THE FRIDGE!"
They all leapt out the window only a mere three seconds before the remaining window exploded in a burst of flame, having followed the whole building in detonating in a fiery blaze. Valvatorez used his bat like cape to glide away from the explosion, invoking fear in the demons watching the explosion from below.
"IT'S THE BATMAN!"
They all screamed and some ran. Some just stood there and screamed.
The three landed safely, too, despite the 500 foot drop. Fenrich had used a nearby pole to swing off a lot of the momentum and land near Valvatorez before promptly dropping Emizel face first on the ground. Blood pooled around the kid's head and he groaned. "That's gonna leave a mark..."
Valvatorez got everyone to stop their screaming by shooting his exploding bullets into the air, "Listen up, Netherworld!" Desco had come up to Val's side and passed him a megaphone, "Starting tomorrow, we will begin a Sardine Appreciation Holiday! So that all you may learn the wonders of these magnificent fish and gain power! Then one day, you too will be able to destroy the Evil Office and Blight House! Now everyone! Let's work hard, and reeducate the humans in living decent, modest lives... through strong will, fortitude and SARDINE POWEEEER!"
Silence. It was followed by a single skele-dragon starting a slow clap as a single tear rolled down his joyous, skeletal face. It slowly built momentum too, and soon the assembled Netherword demons were all applauding and cheering wildly. Panties flew from the air and landed in front of Valvatorez. He ignored them, but Fenrich immediately picked up Emizel, and extended the kid's hand toward them, causing a fireball to consume the undergarments.
"The next one to throw their wretched, unworthy panties at my Lord's feet get's an axe to the face!" the warewolf spat furiously. A Nekocat girl shrank further below the crowd.
"Oh yeah! Can I throw it the ax, Fenfen?!" Fuka exclaimed excitedly. "I've gotten REAAALLY good at it!"
Emizel only groaned, turning his tired head to look at the remains of the burning Blight House, "...Father's gonna kill me."