Rated for blood and gore.


Jack and Jill went up the hill

To tumble in the bedsheets;

Or so Jill thought 'til Jack turned 'round

And slashed her throat in the streets.

He stole her heart and fled the scene,

Long gone when the bobbies came,

Scratched their noggins, shrugged and left,

'Til Mary was found the same.

Mary had a little dress,

Whose skirt was white as snow.

But when they found Mary that night,

The dress was red as Bordeaux.

Now the bobbies were on edge

And had trouble falling asleep.

All of them were drinking coffee

When they heard about Bo Peep.

Little Bo Peep had lost her keys,

And a nice young man offered to help.

Quick as a flash he cut her chest,

All before she could even yelp.

The bobbies knew they had a serial,

Put the case number one on their plate.

They worked on it all night and day,

But for Miss Muffet it was too late.

Little Miss Muffet

Was at a buffet

When she had a bit much to drink.

Along came a cabbie,

Whose blade went snicker-snee,

Then vanished before you could blink.

Those harried bobbies

Were facing lobbies

From the protesting, indignant press.

But they had no reply,

The trail had run dry,

Next victim was anyone's guess.

The Queen of Hearts,

She had some smarts

And knew that next was she.

Her heart was the best,

Of course she'd be next;

So she sat down to have tea.

When the Jack of Hearts

Came for her parts,

She didn't bother to plead.

"At last you've come,

To visit dear old mum.

My poor boy, do it quickly."

So for the last time

Did Jack do this crime,

Did his blade go snicker-snee.

Jack the Ripper,

Jack be quick,

The bobbies were waiting

In the brick.

"Run, after him!

We've got him in sight!"

But Jack was too fast

And vanished in the night.

Little Jack Ripper

Sat by a skipper

In a dingy old pub.

The sailor finished his ale,

Said, "I gotta sail,"

And left him alone in the club.

Someone else took his place,

Another unfamiliar face,

Who put Jack on guard.

"Your work got me in a lather.

Let's work together.

Here's my card."

Then he, too, was gone,

Jack's interest was on,

So he gave the card a read.

His eyebrows flew up,

He suppressed a hiccup,

And swigged his mug of mead.

He slapped down a bill,

Re-entered the London chill,

With a grin all too sweet.

If the address was real,

Then he would make a deal

With Mr. Todd of Fleet Street.

The End?

Inspired by the story of Jack the Ripper and by the nursery rhymes "Jack and Jill," "Mary Had a Little Lamb," "Little Bo Peep," "Little Miss Muffet," "The Queen of Hearts," "Jack Be Nimble," and "Little Jack Horner," with a cameo by the Demon Barber of Fleet Street.