"ok guys! I need you to bare with me for the first couple chapters. They are the first I've ever written and not done very well. I will be going back through to rewrite. They're pretty short so pleeeease give it a shot. Thank you!
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Stephanie Meyer. I just decided to send them to Boot Camp
"I can't believe I let you talk me into this Jakey!" I love the boy more than life itself, but I'm seriously regretting my decision to help him get his life back on track. No I'm not heartless; you just don't understand the situation yet.
I should have known he'd take me up on the offer and then make me regret it later. That's just the way our lives work. Jake pouts, I make him feel better because I'm a pushover, Jake takes advantage and makes me do something that's so far out of my comfort zone it's like sleeping on nail beds, and then I plot my revenge. This usually involves an insane amount of hours watching Friends reruns and playing card games.
The circle that is my life.
Jacob and I have been tighter than spandex since we were wee little lads. Our dads have been best friends since the Dark Ages and both of our moms were sluts. Together. Yes, you read that correctly. Apparently they had been butchin' it up behind our fathers' backs for years until they decided they didn't want to hide in their 'closets with too many flannels' anymore. They left together when I was 6 and Jake was 4. Last I heard they moved to Florida where Jakey's mom was signed on as a professional Softball player for The Beavers. No Joke.
"Oh come on Bellspalsy, it's just one week and it's going to be so worth it just you wait and see! We are going to be some sexy ass bitches. We should go to the club afterwards! Oh could I borrow that green…" I smacked him in the titty before he could finish that sentence.
"GOD DAMMIT!" I shrieked, "If you call me that one more time Jake I swear to all that is NSYNC that I will turn this car around and burn all of your Cher memorabilia!"
Ever since a fucking Pineapple decided to allergically attack me, which resulted in paralysis of the right side of my face for a full day last week, the Dickwad started calling me Bellspalsy aka Bell's Palsy.
What the fuck ever, I'm sure you caught that.
Actually, he started calling me that after he doped me up on Benadryl and convinced me to go Go-Cart riding with him stating that "All the other Bitches wouldn't dare pass me because I looked like Rocky" and "No one would try and pass up Motha' Fuckin' Rocky."I ended up in last place but was rewarded with pictures that looked like I was doing a permanent left turn at 100 mph. I secretly like them. They make me look like Sandra Bullock from Speed.
"Jake put his hands up in surrender. "I'm just trying to make you feel better Bella. I really appreciate you doing this for me. You're the bestest bitch a guy like me could ask for."
He looked my way and gave me his patented cheesy smile and wink. Only it was a little different than it used to be considering the extra chin that was involved. I bit back my smile because he was so damned cute, even with his extra baggage. Now don't get me wrong, Jakey isn't extremely overweight or anything, but after walking in on his main squeeze, Paul, dropping anchor in someone else's anal bay he got really depressed. Which ended up with him eating way too much and moving around way too little. It happens, no judgment. Coincidentally I do the same thing every fucking day, I've just been blessed with a metabolism that's faster than a Kenyan.
Jake had gained around 20lbs, a second chin, a beer belly, and has lost a ridiculous amount of self-esteem. It has hurt to see him go through this. When he first told me what happened I wanted nothing more than to bitch slap that big ass douche like I did to Seth Clearwater the time he told Jake he caught 'Butt-to-Nutt-Syndrome' from his mom when he was born. That resulted in me getting my ass handed to me by Seth's older and much larger sister, Leah. I tried to run away from the She-Man, but I've always been vertically challenged and had weak ankles. Needless to say I've learn to choose my battles wisely.
"Aw Jakey, you're my bestest bitch too." I was starting to feel all sentimental and shit until a sign on the road reminded me where the fuck I was heading.
"You know I'd do anything for you, but come the fuck on! You don't even need to lose that much weight. You have a shit load of muscle beneath that chocolaty comforter you've been hiding under the last month. Let's turn around and go eat some salads and do jumping jacks in the privacy of our own homes. I'll even join a gym! Treadmills are safer for me Jakey, much, much safer! I'm going to make an ass out of myself. I can't even do a push-up!" I'm very aware I sound like a petulant child, but I don't like making a fool out of myself, and I know that's exactly what will happen this week.
I caught Jake's hand midair when he was about to dish out his own titty smack. "I'm not having a panic attack this time Jacob, I'm just trying to talk you out of this death sentence."
"Oh quit being such a drama queen. That's my job." He said with another chubby wink. This time I couldn't hold back my grin. Luckily he thought it was for his lame ass comment.
"Look I know you avoid exercise like the plague and can't walk more than twenty feet without endangering yours or someone else's life, but this will be good for us. Alice told me she lost 15lbs in one week! Guys usually lose weight faster than women, which means, in exactly one week I can drop all this weight I gained and be me again!" And that is the why I agreed to attend this Boot Camp with him. I suddenly felt bad for giving him such a hard time.
"Listen Jakey," I grabbed his hand tightly. "I'm sorry for trying to talk you out of this. I'm just nervous. I'm also sorry for letting my inner fat girl encourage your outer one by ordering take-out every night the last few weeks and parading Ben and Jerry's Schweady Balls in your face. I know you can't resist Schweady Balls.
I reach over to try and squeeze his cheeks together. "And since I have played a part in adding to your baggage I shall help you unpack it!" He grabbed my hand and put it back on the wheel.
"Jesus your cheesy as fuck. Keep both hands on the wheel, I don't want to have a double chin in an open casket if we die."
Five minutes later another sign told me to pull into a creepy as fuck gravel driveway. The trees on either side of us were so thick it made it look ten o'clock at night when really it was only a quarter till 5. Almost dinner time in fact. Mmmm dinner time. I just realized I'm hungry as hell.
I had been driving for what felt like ages at the suggested speed of 10mph. With no signs of life besides a squirrel I tried to run over with Jake cheering me on and threatening the damn thing, Jakey started to get worried.
"Bellsy I feel like we're in that movie Wrong Turn. Maybe we should pull over and I'll call Ali to make sure we're going the right way." I looked over and noticed his chin was jiggling from the nervous clenching of his jaw. "Jake we're fine. You know this camp is out in the middle of the sticks, I'm sure it's not too much farther ahead." Truth is I'm starting to get freaked the fuck out myself. I can almost feel the crossed-eyes of deformed hillbilly's watching us and waiting for me to run right over that spiked strip they have laid out somewhere ahead. They're probably discussing who was going to get the white or dark meat after they skin us alive. There is no way in hell I'm telling Jakey that though. You don't want to encourage a drama queen right?
Finally there was a break in the trees and I could see a huge ass sign hanging across the drive that lead up to the scariest looking lodge I've ever seen in all my youth. Simultaneously, we read it aloud. "Welcome to Cullen Boot Camp."
How the fuck am I going to survive this week?
Soooo what do you guys think?! Let me know. First I'd like to say that I am in no way shape or form against homosexuality. My bestest friend is gay which is where I get my inspiration for Jakey here. It is not my intention to make fun of people who are overweight either considering I use to be 70 lbs overweight. Now I'm only 20lbs overweight ;) So I think this helps me kind of make fun of myself in parts. Anyways, This is strictly for comedy and is not meant to offend anyone. I'm not sure how often I will be posting or how many chapters the story will be. I think we should just sit back and enjoy the ride yes? I've read that reviews are like cookies, and my inner/outer fat girl loves cookies. Help a girl out! Thanks!