THE MUPPET SHOW:

CYNICISM & VIOLENCE

(Open on a dressing room door. We hear a knock and Scooter pokes his head in.)

SCOOTER: Daria Morgendorffer? Jane Lane? Fifteen seconds to curtain, ladies.

(Cut to Jane who is sketching in her skechbook.)

JANE: Thanks Scooter, we'll be ready.

SCOOTER: Hey, Jane, where's Daria?

JANE: Well, you know how I wanted to surprise her with our appearance on the show?

SCOOTER: Yeah?

JANE: I had to make sure she stuck around to enjoy the surprise.

(She pulls open the closet door and we see Daria bound and gagged, glaring at Jane with murder in her eyes.)

(Cut to the Muppet Show title placard. The door in the "O" opens and Kermit appears.)

KERMIT: It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guests, the stars of MTV's  Daria! Yaaaaaaaaay!

(The placard rises and the orchestra starts to play. C'mon kids! Sing along! You know the words! Make all those people around you in the computer lab look at you funny!)

MUPPET WOMEN: It's time to play the music

It's time to light the lights

It's time to meet the Muppets

On the Muppet Show tonight!

MUPPET MEN: It's time to put on makeup

It's time to dress up right

It's time to raise the curtain

On the Muppet Show tonight!

(Cut to Statler and Waldorf in their box)

WALDORF: Why do we always come here?

STATLER: I guess we'll never know.

WALDORF: It's like a kind of torture.

BOTH: To have to watch the show!

(Bridge)

MUPPETS: And now let's get things started…

AUDIENCE: Why don't you get things started?

(Cut to Kermit)

KERMIT: It's time to get things started…

MUPPETS: On the most sensational

Inspirational…

Celebrational…

Muppetational…

This is what we call

The Muppet Shoooooooooow!

((The Muppet Show Sign drops, now with Gonzo in the "O." He blows his trumpet and we hear a familiar "la la LA la la." Appropriate perplexed look from Gonzo.)

(Cut to the front curtians. Kermit enters to applause.)

KERMIT: Thank you! Thank you! And welcome again to The Muppet Show! We have an interesting show for you tonight because our guests are the stars of the hit MTV animated series Daria. So, let's start things off—

(Scooter rushes in.)

SCOOTER: Hey! Hey, Kermit!

KERMIT: Scooter! I'm in the middle of the first introduction.

SCOOTER: Yeah, sorry. But we've got a big problem!

KERMIT: The Flying Zucchinis haven't gotten back into the building, have they?

SCOOTER: No, but Daria says she won't go on!

KERMIT: What?!

SCOOTER: She says she was shanghaied into doing the show.

KERMIT: Teriffic. What about everybody else?

SCOOTER: They're all for it. Daria's the only holdout.

KERMIT: All right, let me get the first act on, then I'll deal with this.

SCOOTER: Right, Chief.

KERMIT: (to audience) Well, even though our main guest star seems to have come down with a case of stage fright, that hasn't stopped us from putting together a tribute for her. And now, the new hit rock pastry group, Cake(s)! Yaaaaay!

(The curtains open and sure enough, we see five members of the rock group Cake(s)…an all singing, all dancing, all cake band. That is to say, the band is made up of singing cakes with candles and fruit garnish and everything.)

DRUMMER CAKE: One, two, three, four…

LEAD CAKE: When you tried to kiss me
I only bit your tongue.
When you tried to get me together
I only came undone.
When you tried to tell me
The one for me was you,
I was in your mattress back in 1982.

ALL CAKES: Daria, I won't be soothed.
Daria, I won't be soothed over like,
Smoothed over like milk,
Silk, a bedspread, or a quilt,
Icing on a cake,
Or a serene translucent lake.
Daria, Daria, Daria,
I won't be soothed.
I won't be soothed.

(At this point we see Animal enter and looking over at the Drummer Cake)


LEAD CAKE: When you tried to tell me
Of all the love you had,
I was cleaning oil from beaches
Seeing only what was bad.
When you tried to feed me
I only shut my mouth.
Food got on your apron
And you told me to get out.

ANIMAL: CAAAAAKE! (He begins eating the Drummer Cake. The other cakes scream and vacate the stage in a panic. Animal pursues them.)

ANIMAL: CAKE! CAKE! CAAAAAKE!

(Cut to backstage. Kermit is at his desk, looking over paperwork. The cakes run by for their lives.)

CAKES: RUN! RUN! GET OUT OF THE WAY!

(Animal runs past Kermit.)

ANIMAL: CAAAAAAAKE!

(Kermit looks offscreen at the direction the cakes and Animal have gone.)

KERMIT: Well, I guess that's one way to get dessert to go.

(He goes back to the paperwork on his desk)

KERMIT: Now, lessee here, if I move the yodeling squid to the fifth slot, then call the paramedics a half hour earlier for Gonzo…

(Jane comes down the stairs from the dressing rooms.)

JANE: Hey, Kermit!

(Applause)

KERMIT: (coming over) Oh, hey, Jane! Everything all right with the dressing rooms?

JANE: Everything's great. Listen, about Daria…

KERMIT: Don't worry. We've handled last minute stage fright from guests before.

JANE: Uh…yeah. I know. But…well, Daria kinda didn't know that I booked us on the show tonight.

KERMIT: Pardon?

JANE: I thought she'd get a kick out of it. I figured she could read some poetry or something. I was going to surprise her. (beat) She didn't take it too well.

KERMIT: Oh boy…so where is she now?

JANE: Last I saw, she was hiding in the dressing room at the end of the hall.

KERMIT: (gasps) The one with the silver star?

JANE: Yeah…is that a problem?

KERMIT: (hesitantly) Well..uh…*ahem*…it's just, that's where Gonzo keeps his giant yodeling squid—

(Right on cue, there's an offscreen yodel, a crash, and Daria staggers in from the upstairs hallway and down the stairs. A squid wearing her glasses and an alpine hat is draped over her head.)

DARIA: (glaring at Jane) I hate you.

KERMIT: I better—uh—go introduce the next act. (Exits)

(Gonzo enters and starts at Daria's appearance.)

GONZO: Phil! How could you?! (to Daria) You stole my act!

(Daria frowns, recovers her glasses, then hurls the squid at Gonzo. It connects with a squishy thud, knocking Gonzo over.)

(Cut to Muppet Newsroom)

NEWSMAN: Here is a Muppet News flash! (Enters) A severe storm warning has been issued for this area. Details are sketchy at this time, but officials state that it could rain like rats and squid. (beat) Rats and squid? That's ridiculous. Whoever heard of it raining—OH NO!

(He is pummeled senseless by a very localized rain of rats and squid.)

(Cut to backstage. The Newsman is coming offstage covered in squid. Kermit and Daria are watching.)

KERMIT: Sorry about the squid.

NEWSMAN: It's okay. At least it isn't yodeling.

SQUID: Yodel-ody-olo-ody-odel-a-hee-hoooo!

(Exit Newsman with squid)

KERMIT: Yeah. (turns to Daria) Look, Daria, I know Jane didn't tell you you guys were booked on the show, but couldn't I talk you into doing something onstage tonight?

DARIA: Kermit, don't let this get around, but I love the show. However, I also know the kind of craziness that goes on around here. Besides which, I'm not much of a performer. I'm not about to go out there and humiliate myself.

KERMIT: Oh, come on, you're not going to humiliate yourself…

(Enter Scooter.)

SCOOTER: Kermit! The tap dancing chickens can't go on!

KERMIT: Why not?

SCOOTER: They slipped on some squid left back in the rehearsal hall!

KERMIT: So?

SCOOTER: Well, they were tapdancing on a plank over a vat of hot grease that the Swedish Chef was planning to use.

(Half a dozen fried chickens go walking by, followed by the Swedish Chef.)

CHICKENS: Bawk bawk bawk-bawk bawwwwwk.

SWEDISH CHEF: Yeesh voor hurndeen skoorden friden chickies!

KERMIT: Oh boy…

DARIA: Should I put in a call to Colonel Sanders?

KERMIT: No thanks. (to Scooter) All right, go get Piggy, Rowlf, and Janice. Vet's Hospital is up next.

SCOOTER: But we don't have anyone to play the paitent.

KERMIT: Let me worry about that. Go get 'em.

SCOOTER: Check. (exits)

KERMIT: (into the squawkbox) Veternarian's Hospital next! (to Daria) You sure I can't change your mind? I have a hole in the schedule.

DARIA: Not a chance. It's dangerous out there.

(The cast of Vet's Hospital charges in, knocking Daria to the ground and trampling her.)

DARIA: GAH!

(She starts to get back up but is knocked down again as Beauregard wheels the hospital gurney onstage.)

KERMIT: (looking down at her) Uh…Daria? Are you all right?

(Daria's hand comes into shot, pointing at Kermit.)

DARIA: I'm going to get you for this, frog.

(Cut to the Vet's Hospital set. Piggy is playing with a cup and ball toy. She notices the audience, hides the toy, and goes over to join the rest of the cast. During this: )

ANNOUNCER: Time once again for Veternarian's Hospital. The continuing stooooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs…

(When Piggy gets to the table, we see Rowlf, as Dr. Bob, wearing tartan golfing gear.)

PIGGY: Dr. Bob, whay are you dressed like that?

DR. BOB: I had some free time this morning so I shot a few rounds.

JANICE: Of golf?

DR. BOB: No, buckshot. The freeway was jammed again.

(groans)

PIGGY: Are you a tempermental driver, Dr. Bob?

DR. BOB: Tempermental? Certainly not. Why, just last week I gave a ride to a little old lady who was stranded by the side of the road.

JANICE: That was nice of you.

DR. BOB: Well, I figured it was the least I could do after running over her cat.

PIGGY: You ran over that poor woman's cat?

DR. BOB: Yes, purely by accident. Sadly, the lady was walking home with her grocery shopping and I ended up crushing her breakfast cereal too.

PIGGY: What kind of cereal was it?

DR. BOB: What else? Meow-slix.

(Groans from under the sheet on the gurney.)

DR. BOB: What was that?

JANICE: It's the paitent, Dr. Bob.

(Dr. Bob pulls back the sheet, revealing Daria.)

DARIA: Uhhhhh…

DR.  BOB: Good greif! What's she doing here? This is a veternary hospital!

JANICE: According to her chart, this is all her employer's insurance will pay for.

DR. BOB: Outrageous! Who does she work for?

JANICE: MTV.

PIGGY: Well that explains it. She's a mule.

DR. BOB: A mule?  Why do you say that?

PIGGY: Because anyone who would work for that network must be a jackass.

(Laughs)

DARIA: (to audience) Pay attention, folks, this show is about to be pre empted by Celebrity Deathmatch.

JANICE: Not with Dr. Bob on the show.

DARIA: Oh? Why?

JANICE: Then you'll have to change the title to Celebrity Deathmuch.

(Laughs and groans)

DARIA: Oh, god.

ANNOUNCER: And so we come to the end of another painfully unfunny episode of Veternarian's Hospital. Tune in again next week when we hear Dr. Bob say…

DR. BOB: (picking up a clipboard) Aha! Here's the problem! Increased pedermal pressure on her extreme upper spinal column.

JANICE: But what does that mean, Dr. Bob?

DR. BOB: It means we should stop standing on her neck!

(more groans. Music swells. Fade out. Commercial break.)

(Fade in on the curtains. Kermit enters.)

KERMIT: Many of you are familiar with Jane Lane's reputation as an artist. But how many of you knew she also models for other artists as well? So here, with our own resident artist Gonzo the Great, is Jane Lane spending "Sunday in the Park with George."

(The curtains open, revealing Jane in a victorian era gown, holding an uncomfortable pose, while Gonzo paints at an easel. The set is a city park on a warm summer day.)


JANE: George. (no response) Why is it you always get to sit in the shade while I have to stand in the sun? (still no response) Hello, George? There is someone in this dress! And I don't think it's just me! (twitches slightly, sighs, mutters to herself)

A trickle of sweat.
The back of the head.
He always does this.
(hisses)
Now the foot is dead.
Sunday in the park with George.
One more Su-

The collar is damp,
Beginning to pinch.
The bustle's slipping-

I won't budge one inch.

Who was at the zoo. George?
The monkeys and who George.
The monkeys and who?


GONZO: Don't move. (He goes off for a moment.)


JANE: Artists are bizarre. Fixed. Cold.
That's you, George, you're bizarre. Fixed. Cold.
I like that in a man. Fixed. Cold.
God, it's hot up here.

Well, there are worse things
Than staring at the water on a Sunday.
There are worse things
Then staring at the water
As you're posing for a picture
Being painted by your lover
In the middle of the summer
On an island in the river on a Sunday.

(Gonzo reenters, leading a group of monkeys dressed like sheiks on the backs of camels. He hands the reins to Jane, who takes them looking perplexed.)


The petticoat's wet,
Which adds to the weight.
The sun is blinding.
All right, concentrate. .

(She closes her eyes) Ommmmmmmmm…


GONZO: Eyes open, Please.
 

(Jane opens her eyes and sighs.)

JANE: Sunday in the Park with George...

GONZO: Look out at the water. Not at me.

(She does so. A longboat full of pigs in Viking gear sail by in a bizarre interlude…)

PIGS: In the Navy.

            You can sail the seven seas

            In the Navy

            You can put your mind at ease…

(They sail off. Gonzo puts down his brush and goes off again. Jane looks back at the audience, shrugs and continues.)


JANE: Sunday in the park with George...
Well, if you want breed
And respect
And attention,
Not to say connection,
Modelling's no profession.
(does mock poses)
If you went instead,
When you're deed,
Some more public and more permanent expression
(poses)

Of affection,
(poses)
You want a painter,
Poet,
Sculptor, preferably:
Marble, granite, bronze.
Durable.
Something nice with swans
That's durable
Forever.
All it has to be is good.
And George, you're good,
You're really good.

George's stroke is tender,
George's touch is pure.
Your eyes, George.
I love your eyes, George.
I love your beard George.
I love your size--

(Jane blinks and stops singing. She reaches into a pocket, pulls out the lyrics and reviews them. She frowns.)

JANE: Uh, no…I don't think so. Let's try this again…

(sings)

Your eyes, George.
I love your eyes, George.
I love your beard George

I love your…nose, George.

George?

George?

(The music stops. Jane frowns and yells offstage)

JANE: Yo! George! I'm starting to chafe out here!

GONZO: (offstage)  Just a minute! Keep going!

JANE: Oh, for crying out--

(sings)

But most, George,
Of all,
But most of all,
I love your painting...
(looking up at the sun)
I think I'm fainting.
The tip of a stay.
Right under the tit.
No don't give in. Just
Lift the arm bit...

(Gonzo comes rushing in, pulling on a long rope.)

GONZO: Don't lift the arm, please.

JANE: (spoken) Why not?

GONZO: Oh, it spooks the elephant.

JANE: Elephant? What elephant?

GONZO: This one. (He pulls on the rope for a moment, then looks up at Jane.) Uh, do you mind?

JANE: Oh right.

(She grabs the rope and starts pulling with Gonzo, bringing in a huge Muppet elephant. It wraps it's trunk around Jane and hoists her up. Jane blinks in surprise but keeps singing.)


JANE: Sunday in the park with George...

GONZO: The bustle high, please.

JANE: Hey! No comments about my bustle!

(We hear Daria from offstage.)

DARIA: (O/S) Yeah, don't force her to show it on national TV. This is allegedly a family show.

JANE: Don't make me come over there, Morgendorffer!

(Cut to Daria in the wings.)

DARIA: Anything you say, O Queen of the Jungle.

(Cut back to Jane, who is now on the back of the elephant and still singing.)


JANE: Not even a nod
As if I were trees.
The ground could open,
He would still say "please."
Never know with you, George,
Who could know with you?
The others I knew, George.
Before we get through,
I'll get to you, too.

God, I am so hot!

(At this point a group of English hunters arrive on the scene.)

1ST HUNTER: I say, chaps! Look at that specimen!

2ND HUNTER: The girl?

1ST HUNTER: No, the elephant.

2ND HUNTER: Oh.

1ST HUNTER: Right chaps, lock and load.

JANE: (looking uneasily at the hunters) Uh, Gonzo…little help here?

GONZO: Right away. 

(He rushes off, the hunters take aim and are about to fire in Jane's direction, when Gonzo rushes back in with the Viking pigs, who proceed to duke it out with the hunters. Then the monkeys on the camels pull scimitars from somewhere and jump into the fray. This, naturally, riles the elephant who begins stomping people into oblivion. Then French Legionaires arrive with a cannon and rifles and soon the entire set is one big war. Through all this, Jane holds onto the elephant for dear life and continues with the song, as Gonzo paints.)


JANE: (unsteadily) Well, there are worse things
Than staring at the water on a Sunday.
There are worse things
Than staring at the water

(At this point she gets down off the elephant and proceeds to lay down seven types of hell, aided by her boots, which we now see she has on under the dress.)


JANE: As you're posing for a picture (wham)
After sleeping on the ferry (wham)
After getting up at seven (wham)
To came over to an island (wham)
In the middle of a river (wham)
Half an hour from the city (wham)
On a Sunday. (wham)
On a Sunday in the park with-

GONZO: Hold it!

(Everybody freezes in mid action. The Pigs are fighting with the Leigionares, the Hunters have formed a kickline with the elephant, the monkeys are riding the cannon, and Jane has one of the camels in a headlock. The park set is now a blackened smoking mess.)


GONZO: Don't move the mouth.

(Jane rolls her eyes in frustration.)


JANE: -George.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERS)

(Cut to Statler and Waldorf)

STATLER: What do you think?

WALDORF: I think Seraut to be a law against acts like that. (Both laugh.)

(Cut to backstage. Jane enters along with the other members of the "George" number.)

JANE: Kermit! Any luck getting Daria onstage?

KERMIT: No, not yet, Jane.

JANE: Well, don't worry. I'll get her…for those cracks if nothing else.

(Trent enters, looking lost.)

TRENT: Hey, Janey.

JANE: Trent! (applause) Where the hell have you been?

TRENT: The Tank ran out of gas, then Nick and Max got into a fight over who got to ride shotgun, then there was this squid…

JANE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, great. Look, Daria's being stubborn and won't go out on stage. Can you guys still do your song?

TRENT: Well, yeah. But we need a drummer.

KERMIT: What happened to your drummer?

TRENT: Like I said, there was this squid…

(Max dashes in, the yodeling squid has a deathgrip on his head.)

MAX: AIIIIIIIGH! GET IT OFFFA MEEEEEEE!

SQUID: Yodel-o-la-dee-hoooooo!

(Rapid exit offscreen. Crash. Trent, Jane and Kermit stare offscreen.)

KERMIT: Uh…yeah. I'll talk to Animal. I'm sure he'll want to sit in.

(Scooter passes by.)

KERMIT: Scooter! Where's Animal?

SCOOTER: Last I saw, he was down in the canteen. (exits)

KERMIT: The canteen?!

TRENT: What's wrong with the canteen?

KERMIT That's where Daria went to hide!

(And, if you haven't guessed where this is going by now, Daria comes screaming in from the basement stairwell, corners sharply and dashes up towards the dressing rooms. Animal is in hot pursuit.)

DARIA: GAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

ANIMAL: WO-MAN! WO-MAN! WO-MAN! (pauses, looks at Jane, Trent, and Kermit.) Brainy woman!

(He continues on his merry way.)

JANE: (with an evil grin) Oh, I just GOTTA see how this turns out.(she follows)

TRENT: (to Kermit) Whoa…busy day around here, huh?

KERMIT: Actually, it's been pretty quiet.

(Max runs by in the opposite direction he entered, the squid still on his head.)

SQUID: Yodelodeolodeoloodeeee!

(Kermit shakes his head.)

(Cut to Muppet Labs. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew is standing between Beaker, who is wearing a hard hat, and Kevin Thompson, who is wearing his usual vapid grin.)

BUNSEN: Welcome once again to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today.We're proud to unveil our latest invention, the Dur-O-Plas Spray-On Shield. (He holds up a spray bottle.) Yes, just a few squirts of this on any object will render it virtually indestructible. To demonstrate, my assistant Beaker will be wearing this hard hat which has been treated with Dur-O-Plas. We will then test the Dur-O-Plas helmet by dropping two 16-ton weights. One onto Beaker's head—

BEAKER: MEEP?!

BUNSEN: …and one onto one of the hardest substances known to mankind: the skull of the average high school football quarterback.

KEVIN: Hi, Mom! Look, I'm on TV!

(Beaker tries to escape, but Bunsen grabs him and puts him back in place.)

BEAKER: Meep! Meep-meep MEEP meep!

BUNSEN: Oh nonsense, Beaker. It's perfectly safe. Now, just stand right here.

KEVIN: Dude, where should I stand?

BUNSEN: Right where you are will be fine, Kevin. Ready, Beaker?

BEAKER: (visibly trembles)

BUNSEN: Good! (he steps back to a lever) Now stand still, please!

KEVIN: (looking offscreen) Hey! A quarter!

(He walks off, right as Bunsen pulls the lever. The two weights crash down, missing Kevin and crushing Beaker. Bunsen comes forward.)

BUNSEN: (looking down) Oh my…Beaker? (looks up) Um…it appears that the hard hat had not yet been coated with Dur-O-Plas. Um…we will be attempting this experiment at a future date…oh dear…

BEAKER: meeeeeeep…

(Wipe to the curtains. Kermit appears.)

KERMIT: Ladies and gentlemen, in an effort to raise the cultural value of the Muppet Show, we had invited the entire Boston Pops orchestra here to perform selections from Richard Wagner's Ring of the Nibelung, however it appears that their bus lost three wheels just outside of Tulsa. So, we were forced to present a cover of a Doors song. Ladies and gentlemen, Mystik Spiral and the Electric Mayhem!

(The curtains open, revealing Mystik Spiral set up on the usual empty stage for musical numbers. Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem are in their bandstand behind them.)

TRENT: People are strange when you're a stranger
Faces look ugly when you're alone
Women seem wicked when you're unwanted
Streets are uneven when you're down
 
When you're strange
Faces come out of the rain
When you're strange
No one remembers your name
When you're strange
When you're strange
When you're strange
 
TRENT: Hey, Floyd. Take a verse.
 
(Cut to Floyd.)
 
FLOYD: People are strange when you're a stranger
Faces look ugly when you're alone
Women seem wicked when you're unwanted
Streets are uneven when you're down
 
(At this point, Janice joins him in a duet)
 
FLOYD & JANICE: When you're strange
Faces come out of the rain
When you're strange
No one remembers your name
When you're strange
When you're strange
When you're strange
 
(Both bands kick in for the bridge and the final chorus)
 
SPIRAL & MAYHEM: When you're strange
Faces come out of the rain
When you're strange
No one remembers your name
When you're strange
When you're strange
When you're strange

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERS)

(Cut to Statler and Waldorf)

WALDORF: Do you like the Doors?

STATLER: Yes…especially the ones that lead out of this theatre!

(Both laugh)

(Cut to the Swedish Chef's kitchen. He's fooling around with a pair of ladles.)

SWEDISH CHEF: (singing) Ye boorsh neer

                                    Verooue ari skidoo

                                    Yay boor ner ver de

                                    Mm bork bork bork!

(He tosses the ladles over his head. He then places a bucket on the counter. Three or four lobsters peer anxiously over the side of the bucket.)

SWEDISH CHEF: Flemm der yoor, ye berden der Loobsteer Kerboom.

(He grabs one of the lobsters and shows it to the audience.)

SWEDISH CHEF: Ne kervuten der loobsteer…

(He reaches down with his other hand, and brings up a huge musket.)

SWEDISH CHEF: …und verden neer, der kerboom. (tosses lobster into the air.) Eend…POOL!

(He fires the musket. There a huge explosion. The Chef puts down the musket and comes to the center of the table.)

SWEDISH CHEF: Eend ne verdun nik…(a platter of perfectly cooked lobster, complete with sides lands in his hands) der Loobsteer Kerboom. Kern verdun drawn booter?

(Cut to the Muppets' wardrobe room. Daria is sitting at a table, reading. There's a chair wedge under the doorknob. We hear a knock at the door.)

DARIA: Go away, if you value your life and/or your stuffing.

(the knock comes again)

DARIA: Forget it, Kermit. I'm not coming out until the show is over!

(We hear the voice of Robin, Kermit's nephew, from behind the door.)

 ROBIN: (v/o) um, it's not my uncle, Miss Morgendorffer. It's me, Robin. Can I come in?

(Daria sighs, puts down her book and moves the chair, letting the young frog in.)

DARIA: What do you want?

ROBIN: I just wanted to talk to you.

DARIA: Uh-huh. Your uncle didn't send you down here, did he?

ROBIN: He's busy dealing with the Termites.

DARIA: Kermit does the exterminating around here, too?

ROBIN: No, the Termites. They're an acoustic rock group.

DARIA: They any good?

ROBIN: No one knows, they keep eating their guitars before they get onstage.

DARIA: Okay, now that we've gotten the obligatory bad joke out of the way, why are you down here?

ROBIN: Well, when I heard you were on the show, I wanted to make sure I got a chance to meet you.

DARIA: Uh..huh.

ROBIN: I loved your show when it was on MTV. I've seen every episode at least three times.

DARIA: Um, Robin…no offense, but you really ought to consider getting a life.

ROBIN: (dejected) Oh…sorry. I guess you get that all the time.

DARIA: (guilt mode now firmly activated) Well, not as often as I'd like.

ROBIN: You know what I really liked about your show?

DARIA: What?

ROBIN: The way you always found a way to turn everything around on people…especially when you got forced into doing something stupid.

DARIA: Oh yeah?

ROBIN: (enthusiastically) Yeah. I always cheered whenever those kind of episodes were on. I couldn't wait to see how you'd turn things to your advantage. It was great. It made me believe I could do anything I wanted if I just figured out the right way to go about it.

(Daria blinks. She clearly wasn't expecting this kind of reaction to her show.)

DARIA: Well that's…I didn't know that.

ROBIN: Yeah. Anyway, I just wanted to meet you and let you know I'm a big fan. I better get going before Uncle Kermit wonders where I am.

DARIA: Okay.

(Robin goes to leave then…)

DARIA: Hey, Robin…

ROBIN: Yeah?

DARIA: (heistates for a minute then sighs) Tell Kermit I'll be up for the final number in a minute.

ROBIN: Really?

DARIA: Yeah.

ROBIN: You bet! (he dashes out)

DARIA: (muttering) Damn my conscience and all cute frogs to Hell.

(Cut to the backstage. A group of dejected termites are marching offstage, holding guitar necks.)

KERMIT: Sorry, guys, but I warned you about snacking in between acts.

 (Robin enters from the basement stairs. Jane and Kermit go over to meet him.)

KERMIT: Well, did it work?

ROBIN: She bought it. She'll be up for the final number in a few minutes. (rushes off)

JANE: (smirking) Told you. Get a cute kid to guilt trip her and you'll have her eating out of your hand.

(During this, Daria has appeared at the top of the stairs, clearly having heard Jane's last statement.)

DARIA: Or biting it off.

KERMIT: Daria! I..I—er—sheesh.

DARIA: Relax, Kermit, you're off the hook. I'll do the number.

JANE: Great! I knew you'd come around.

DARIA: Don't relax yet, Lane. I said the frog was off the hook.

JANE: Oh boy…

DARIA: Exactly. (to Kermit) I'll do the last act, but I want to do this song.

(She hands him a slip of paper. Kermit reads it, starts, and then looks up at Daria.)

KERMIT: Are you sure you want to do this song?

DARIA: Positive. You got a problem with it?

KERMIT: Well, it's not exactly the kind of song I would have associated with you.

DARIA: Tough. I either do this song or…

KERMIT: Or?

DARIA: (evil smirk) You'll be hearing from my mother in the morning about the incident with the Giant Yodeling Squid.

(Kermit starts again and would in fact pale were he able to do so)

KERMIT: I'll go make the introduction.

DARIA: I thought you might.

(Cut to the curtains. Kermit enters)

KERMIT: Well, it took some doing and compromise on both sides, but she's finally agreed to come out on stage voluntarily. Ladies and gentlemen, performing a song that will most likely change your perceptions of her forever, Daria Morgendorffer! Yaaaaay!

(The curtains open. The Electric Mayhem is visible in silohuette providing the music. We also see a femal figure, supposedly Daria, also in silohuette. We hear the opening bars of Jim Steinman's "Ravishing." When the song proper starts, a spotlight comes up on Daria, who turns and faces the camera, giving everybody watching a shock.

She is dressed in a much sexier version of her usual outfit. Knee high black leather high heeled boots, black leather miniskirt, a more flatteringly cut jacket and a low necked shirt. Her hair is slightly tousled, and she wears her usual sarcastic smirk, as well as er usual glasses.)

DARIA: When the sun is burning out
And the night is pouring in
Now is the time to run, run boy
Now is the time to hide

There's nobody out on the beach
There's nobody down in the woods
We're gonna do it alone
We're gonna do it outside-

And I can feel the air it's sticking to our skin so tight
And I can feel there's something special in this air tonight-
-I really got it bad
Tonight I really got it bad
But it's still so good, so good
That I got it at all and it was

Ravishing, ravishing
And I love to see the moonlight
See it shimmer down my dress
It's so ravishing, ravishing
And the wind is like a finger
Tracing patterns on your chest
You're so ravishing

And I know
This is the season that we make our move
This is the season we've got something to prove
And this is the season I've got something to lose
Oh, it's now or it's never
So now and forever, we're

Ravishing, ravishing
Oh-oh-oh
Ravishing, ravishing
Oh-oh-oh
Ravishing, ravishing oh-oh-oh

It's all right
We'll be ravishing each other till the end of this endless night
It's all right, so right, it's all right, so right

(Daria takes the mike off the stand and begins, surprisingly, to dance in a manner that will most likely give her father another heart attack once he sees this show.)


DARIA: And if an angel broke his wings
Would he come to you for parts
I need a couple of wings boy, boy
I need a reason to soar

And if the devil lost his fire
Could he count on you for sparks?
There's something we ought to try now
We ought to try it some more-

-Than anything I ever wanted was to see the light
And there's a chance that we'll be glowing in the dark tonight-

I really got it bad
Tonight I really got it bad
Tonight I really got it bad
But it still felt good-so good-
-Just to get it at all, and it's so

Ravishing, ravishing
And I can't believe the way the stars are shooting through your hair
You're so ravishing, ravishing
And it's just my luck tonight I don't have anything to wear
We're so ravishing

This is the season that we make our move
This is the season we've got something to prove
This is the season I've got something to lose
All we ever really needed was

Ravishing, ravishing
Oh-oh-oh
Ravishing, ravishing
Oh-oh-oh
Ravishing, ravishing oh-oh-oh

It's all right
We'll be ravishing each other till the end of this endless night
It's all right, so right, it's all right, so right

ALLLLLL RIIIIIIIIIGHHHHHT!

(The music fades and the audience goes bananas. Daria smirks again, and bows. Fade out. Commercial break.)

(Fade in on the curtains. Kermit appears.)

KERMIT: Well, it's definitely been one for the record books around here, and it's time to send it to the printers. But before we go, let's bring out the guests who will also set a record as our most difficult guest stars since Gene Kelly, Daria Morgendorffer and Jane Lane!

(Daria, still in the "Ravishing" ensemble, comes out.)

DARIA: Thank you, Kermit. And, don't worry, I've burned the restraining order.

KERMIT: (laughs) That's good. Hey, where's Jane? I thought she'd be out here with you?

DARIA: (looking off stage) Well, let's just say that she's found a new fan of her singing talents.

(Jane enters, the Yodeling Squid attached to her head.)

JANE: Oh, very funny, Morgendorffer.

SQUID: Yodel-oooo—(Jane bites into one of it's tentacles) YEEEEEOUCH!

JANE: Knock it off, or I'm turning you over to the Chef.

(Enter the Swedish Chef with the musket)

SWEDISH CHEF: Ya, ya, sher doorn der Squid du Kerboom.

KERMIT: Oh, boy. I think we better quit before there's calimari over the stage. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

(Muppets crowd Daria and Jane. Roll credits.)

THE MUPPET SHOW:

CYNICISM AND VIOLENCE

A FANFIC BY ERIN MILLS

PRODUCED WITHOUT THE KNOWLEDGE OR CONSENT OF

THE JIM HENSON COMPANY

MTV NETWORKS

VIACOM INTERNATIONAL

GUEST STARS

TRACY GRANDSTAFF AS DARIA MORGENDORFFER

WENDY HOOPES AS JANE LANE

ALVARO J. GONZALES AS TRENT LANE

MARC THOMPSON AS KEVIN THOMPSON

FEATURING (WE WISH) THE MUPPET PERFORMERS

FRANK OZ

WITH

DAVE GOELZ

JERRY NELSON

BILL BARETTA

STEVE WHITMIRE

KEVIN CLASH

SONGS:

"RAVISHING" COPYRIGHT © 2002 JIM STEINMAN

"PEOPLE ARE STRANGE" COPYRIGHT © 2002 THE DOORS

"DARIA" COPYRIGHT ©2002 CAKE

SPECIAL THANKS TO

JILL FRIEDMAN

KEN TREMBERTH

BRETT QUANEY

AND EXTRA SPECIAL THANKS TO

THE MEMBERS OF THE PAPERPUSHER'S SITE MESSAGE BOARD

WITHOUT WHOM THIS PROJECT WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN NECESSARY.

"DARIA" AND RELATED CHARACTERS ARE COPYRIGHT © 2002 MTV NETWORKS AND VIACOM INTERNATIONAL

"THE MUPPET SHOW," MUPPETS, KERMIT THE FROG, AND ALL RELATED CHARACTERS ARE TM AND © 2002 BY THE JIM HENSON COMPANY

THE AUTHOR APOLOGIZES PROFUSELY TO THE ENTIRE HENSON FAMILY (BIOLOGICAL AND OTHERWISE)  AND ESPECIALLY TO THE GHOST OF JIM HENSON FOR THIS CHEAP KNOCKOFF OF HIS WORK. BUT IT WAS ALL IN GOOD FUN…WE HOPE…AT LEAST IT GOT THIS DAMN IDEA OUT OF OUR HEADS.

(Cut to Statler and Waldorf's box. Daria and Jane are there in their place.)

JANE: You know, those two old geezers were right. It IS much safer out here.

(The giant yodeling squid drops on her. Daria surpresses her laughter)

ba-da-da-da-DUM

HONK

THIS HAS BEEN A POORLY CONCEIVED SHALLOW 15 PRODUCTION