Darthemius (Lying on his bed): Shit it's boring…
Darthemius' cell phone: I have voices in my head…
Darthemius (Picking up): Who the hell is this?
Unknown voice: Seven days…
Unknown voice: You will die in seven days…
Unknown voice: I said you will die in seven days, you idiot!
Darthemius: I don't play that stupid game…
Unknown voice: No dammit! You have seven days to live!
Darthemius: I don't work in that stupid company. And I hate their croissants.
Unknown voice: Fucking shit! You stupid imbecille! In seven days I will come and kill you! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!
Darthemisu: Oh… (Boringly) Well I think you'll be happy to know that I'm already shitting my pants from fear… (Picking his ear) But just for the record, what is your problem with me?
Unknown voice: Because you watched that tape yesterday.
Darthemius: You mean the Smurfs? But it was Diana! And I had no choice but to watch since the TV was behind her back while she was riding my dick.
Unknown voice: Well, not my problem. You watched it, so I will come and kill you.
Darthemius (Boringly): Yeah, as I said, I'm scared shitless…
Unknown voice: You don't believe me?!
Darthemius: Of course not. Now stop bullshitting me and get a life.
Unknown voice: I can't get a life… (Crawling out of Darthemius' TV) Because I'm dead.
Darthemius (Boringly): Ah, another dead… Well, come get me then.
Ugly blue girl with messy black hair (Raising her hands): I will strangle you!
Darthemius (Picking up a shotgun from the floor and pointing at girl's face): Strangle this.
Diana (Barging into the room, wearing nothing but apron): What the fuck is… FUCKING SHIT! (Pointing at the floor) What the fuck is that, Darth?!
Darthemius (Shrugging): It's a dead undead girl with her brains splattered all over your new carpet.
Diana: EXACTLY! Why the hell did you do that for?! My carpet! Do you have any idea how much it costs?! Couldn't you throw her out of the window?! Hang her on a bra?! Or at least just smash her head against the wall! (Falling on her knees) My carpet… Wait, where did you get a shotgun?
Darthemius: This one? Oh, I always sleep with it… since you moved in.
Diana: So… it wasn't yoru dick pocking me in the leg yesterday?
Darthemius: No. For if you would've tried to rape me one more time yesterday, I would've fired it.
Diana (Looking at the shotgun skeptically): It can't hurt me.
Darthemius: Well, you can't blame me for dreaming. As for your carpet, dry cleaning is just down the road.
Diana: Oh, okay. I'll go there. (Taking a carpet and flying off the window)
Darthemius: Wait! At least… Put some more clothes on… Sigh. Okay, guys. While Diana's out I can finally do a proper AN.
Well hello there people. I apologize for the lack of recent updates, it's just my best friend had a very huge birthday party recently and I got drunk as shit. Even by my standards.
Okay, let's not beat around the bush any longer. I have several things I want to discuss.
And the first is… People, please stop sending me messages with some SOPA law. If it's a law, then I can't do shit against it. And if it's just a project, then I can only pray that it fails. However in these messages people send to me, I'm always asked to 'spread the word'. Please, guys. I'm not exactly known for 'spreading the word'. You got the wrong guy, contact someone who actually likes spending time in twitter and facebook.
Okay, point number two. I've been asked many times recently, what do I think about latest Naruto manga progress. What I have to say is… WHAT FUCKING PROGRESS?! I don't see shit! 20 flashbacks! 30 throwbacks! 50 lame jokes! And 100 acts of idiotism! Who gives a crap what 1st Hokage did 100 years ago?! Yeah, maybe someone does… But it doesn't mean you have to put it in the MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING FINAL BATTLE! And I wanted to wait until this shit is over… Yeah well, it's good that I didn't.
Still, I have to say that Kishimoto has exceeded every barrier of stupidity I even thought possible. Why?! Let me ask you a question, kiddies. Did you know that the great demon Juubi… IS ACTUALLY A MOTHERFUCKING TREE?! Yeah, I expected many outcomes… But not that one. I have to give credits where credits due though. It's hard to surprise me. Well, Kishimoto did that again and again. Shit… And it started so well.
No matter. In fact, I will give you guys a little interest pique. I have decided to cut that Juubi/World tree crap completely out of EHD 2. That's right. Maybe only mention it once or twice. Instead… I'm going to spit in Kishimoto's face. Not literally of course, he's in Japan. But in his work, in his story, in his very idea of Naruto. In this story I'm going to spit on all that.
Okay, enough, or I'll never shut up. Lastly I would like to remind all of you, that if you are a great appreciator of family values, a member of Greenpeace organization, an CIA agent, Hinata fan, fluff lover, Werewolf or Massassi Kishimoto, then you should really stop reading this story. I mean it! Especially if you're Hinata fan, or Kishimoto…
Enough, let's get this show on the road…
Chapter three: Meet again.
"Hell yeah!" – talks.
'Art is a blast!' – thoughts.
"Know your role!" – Demon blades.
Konohagakure no sato. Mikoto's house…
"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!" Naruto laughed hard. "Of all possible days I just had to return in this one!"
"Huh?" Mikoto looked at him in confusion. "What do you mean 'return'?"
Naruto smirked. "Nothing, just a manner of speaking…"
"Right…" The woman nodded. She knew when not to press Naruto for answers. "So, what should we do at the moment?"
"Well you should probably go upstairs and change your outfit since I did such a good job at destroying your last one."
Mikoto looked down at herself. "Oh yeah, that…"
"Yeah, that." Naruto suddenly got closer and lifted Mikoto's chin slightly with his hand. "Now look here, once this piece of trash…" He pointed at Fugaku. "…Wakes up, tell him that he simply fell asleep and dreamt all this crap about Minato look-alike RKOing him through a table. And if anyone else from Konoha asks you any questions about me or our relationship, deny everything."
"Okay, but what if they'll use Yamanaka's mind techniques?" The woman asked.
Naruto gritted his teeth. "Damn, I didn't consider this… Okay, if they'll try to do this crap then you'll have to take them out."
Mikoto's eyebrows rose. "But their techniques are impossible to beat if you let them hit you. And if I try to resist they will know I'm trying to hide something."
The blond grinned at this. "Don't worry, babe. I devised a plan for things like these a long time ago." He took out a single scroll. "This scroll contains my personal records on just about everything. There are many things I want you to learn from this, but among them there is this one seal I devised. You see, a long time ago a member of Yamanaka Clan tried to destroy my mind… and ended up as a meal for the Kyuubi."
Mikoto chuckled at this.
"Exactly. But the entire situation made me think. Their techniques are supposed to be unbeatable, right? Then how could I do that? The reason is my jinchuriki status. You see, a jinchuriki, in order to contain demons, must have some sort of inner world to actually stuff them there. That's how I managed to survive. I lured that Yamanaka imbecile towards Kyuubi's cage and pushed him inside."
"Hmm…" Mikoto folded her hands. "But I don't have a demon inside of me."
Naruto's grin widened. "Yes, that may be true. But you won't need one."
"The Yamanaka who scanned my mind died, yet his body was untouched. So how did he die? The answer is his mind died and the body followed. So what you need to do is simply kill his mind inside of your own."
"But how can I do that?" Mikoto asked.
"Ah! That is where my seal comes in! And while it doesn't 'bless' you with a demon inside of you, it perfectly imitates jinchuriki's inner world in your mind."
The woman grinned back. "I see. So I can simply fry his ass with Mangekyo and be done with it, brilliant! But what should I say when they ask me about Yamanaka's death?"
Naruto shrugged. "What can you possibly say, you were unconscious."
"Hahaha, indeed." Mikoto turned around and started to walk up the stairs. "Say, can you do something about this mess?" She pointed at the wreck in her house.
"Sure I can. Oh, and one last thing…"
Naruto's grin became a malicious one. "Do refrain yourself from coming to the festival today."
Konohagakure. Random street…
"Guh." Sasuke stumbled once again, clutching his head.
"Hey, man!" Ryuga immediately grabbed Sasuke for support. "You said you were alright!"
"Gh! My head hurts…" Sasuke grunted.
"Is it stinging pain, or constant pain?" Sakura asked, walking over.
"I… Stinging pain."
The pink haired girl nodded. "Alright, I got it." She suddenly placed both of her hands on Sasuke's head and they started to emanate green chakra.
"Wh-What are you doing?" Ryuga asked worriedly.
"It's okay, I feel better." Sasuke said and stood up. "Thank you, Sakura."
"It's nothing." Sakura stood up and smiled at him. "I'm just glad you're okay."
"Wait, you mean that was a healing jutsu?!" Ryuga asked in shock. "Damn! Where did you learn it? I heard they only teach it to high genins or chuunins!"
Sakura's eyebrows rose. "I… I don't know. It felt so natural…"
"Natural?!" Ryuga exclaimed. "You just produced healing chakra like it was nothing!"
"Enough!" Sasuke shouted. "Let's find Hokage-sama, she'll have to know something."
"She?!" Ryuga asked incredulously. "Since when did Hokage-sama change gender?!"
Sasuke tilted his head to the side. "Huh? What do you mean?"
"Umm… I hate to disappoint you, man. But all Hokages were men." Ryuga stated. "And if you don't believe me, just look there."
The Uchiha turned his head to where Ryuga was pointing… and his eyes widened.
"Sasuke-kun…?" Sakura asked worriedly. "Is everything alright?"
'Four heads…' Sasuke thought, ignoring everything around him. 'Four… all men… But I saw five just about…' He looked at the mountain again and… yep, still four heads. "Gh!" He clutched his head in pain once again.
"Shit!" Ryuga exclaimed. "Oi, Sakura! Do that healing again!"
"No, wait!" Sasuke pushed Ryuga away and looked at the mountain one more time.
There were four heads on it. And yet a picture from Sasuke's brain was showing him the fifth one.
'Have I lost my mind…?' He asked himself, trying to separate reality from imagination. Suddenly he turned around to find himself in a completely different world. It was still Konoha, yes, but something terrible has happened to it. Sasuke couldn't spot even a single undamaged building. Some were destroyed, some were burning… most were destroyed and burning.
'What happened here…?' Sasuke thought. 'Who could've done this?'
And then he got his answer.
"…For denying me my prize you only managed to do one thing… and that is to check yourself directly into THE SMACKDOWN HOTEL!"
Sasuke turned around sharply and his breathing stopped.
There stood Naruto… Yet it was not Naruto he remembered. This one looked older and… darker. There was also the thing about the place Naruto was standing on. For he was actually standing on the head of a massive blazing creature with a sword.
'The hell?!' Sasuke tilted his head in confusion.
Meanwhile Naruto grinned and continued. "Oh yeah, you checked in, you checked out… but you won't checkout without a little departing gift from Naruto, which is his fist in your mouth and his foot in your ass!" With that, he outstretched his arm, created a fireball in it and threw it right into…
Sasuke watched the fireball sharply until it slammed right into the Hokage monument.
Sasuke felt like his head exploded along with the mountain. "Ah… AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" He screamed in pain, clutching his head. The pain was so bad that he couldn't even remain on his feet. The Uchiha shut his eyes tight in desperate attempt to… stop those images from flashing in his mind.
"Foolish little brother. If you want to kill me…"
"I just gave Sasuke-kun a little present…"
"Uchiha Sasuke! You are my prey!"
"Fight me, Naruto!"
"Finally Naruto has come back…!"
"We have found you guilty…"
"It doesn't matter what you think!"
"I KILLED YOUR CLAN!"
"Does that feel like hate?"
"Remember to do it in your next life…"
"Sasuke-kun!" Sakura rushed to his side once again, touched his head and… gasped.
"This time you will watch my back."
"Naruto, I beg you. Bring Sasuke-kun back…"
"Know your role and shut your mouth!"
"No, it certainly doesn't feel like hate…"
"Never ask me anything again…"
The flashing stopped for both teens almost at the same time.
"Ah…" Sakura turned her head slowly. "S-Sasuke-k-kun? Do you…?"
"Yes…" The Uchiha nodded at her. "I remember everything."
"And so does Naruto." Sakura added.
"What do you guys remember?! And what about Naruto?"
"No time to explain." Sasuke turned to Ryuga and paused. This boy has been his friend for years… yet for some reason he felt like he just met him. He remembered perfectly that there was no boy named Ryuga among his friends before… hell, he never actually had friends before. 'Am I just confused, or…'
"That moment!" He suddenly exclaimed.
"What moment?" Ryuga asked.
"When Naruto lifted me up by the throat. Remember that?"
"He also looked genuinely surprised to see you, Ryuga... just like I am." Sakura finished.
"What?!" The brown haired boy asked. "What are you guys talking about?"
Sasuke opened his mouth to speak again, but paused. 'Wait, it's not just Ryuga! My parents are alive as well! As is my Clan! All except for… Itachi…'
"Itachi was the closest thing to a rival if I ever had one." Naruto's voice echoed in his head.
'The Clan is alive, but Itachi is dead… Who could reverse the events to such an extent?!'
"Wha…? Oh, sorry, I was just thinking. What were you saying?"
"I was asking if we should find Naruto…" Sakura repeated.
The Uchiha looked down.
"Remember to do that in your next life…"
"No, we really shouldn't." He finally said.
"But…" The girl tried to protest when Sasuke cut her off.
"You saw what happened at the academy." He said. "He might not be a demon, but he's still a jinchuriki. And right now we are in no condition to stop him. All we can do is find the Hokage and hope that he can do something before it's too late."
"Hai, let's hurry then!"
Another part of the village… (Starting song: "Name of the game" by Crystal Method)
"Wow, that's a shitload of ninjas running around." Naruto muttered, walking down the street. "I bet a six pack of cola they're looking for me."
"No way I'm betting against you!" Yamato stated. "But still, there are about twenty thousand jabronies here. How come they are still searching for you if there are so many of them?"
The demon rolled his eyes. 'Because these morons are searching for Uzumaki Naruto. The stupid kid in a hideous orange jumpsuit. I swear their lack of brain is starting to annoy me…'
Suddenly a group of civilians went past him…
"Hey daddy! Can we go look for that demon after the festival?" Some kid asked. "Older guys didn't let me hit him last year, so I thought I could finally do it today."
Naruto stopped dead in his tracks after hearing that. 'Did he say what I think he just said?'
"You mean about beating a demon?!"
'No, did he just say finally?!'
"Uhh… I think he did."
Naruto turned around and followed the group. That was not hard, they were only civilians after all. He quickly made his way into the middle of it and touched small boy's shoulder. Then he leaned closer and whispered in his ear.
"You want an ice-cream."
"Daddy, I want an ice-cream!" The boy exclaimed happily.
"Sure, I'll buy you one…" The man said, glancing at his son… only to gasp in shock. "YOU!"
"Wha…?" The boy stared at his father in fear as other civilians formed a circle around them.
"YOU DEMON!" The father shouted. "Where is my son?! WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY SON!"
"Father, I don't understand…" The boy raised his hands in defense… and noticed something different about himself.
He was dressed in an orange jumpsuit.
"No!" He screamed. "Father! It's me, Tenushi!"
"Don't you dare lie to me, you demon!" The man picked up a steel pipe. "What have you done to my son?!"
"I didn't do anything, I swear!" The boy screamed.
"Yeah, kill that demon, Mizuhi!" The crowd cheered while the man hit the boy repeatedly with a steel pipe.
"Hmhmhmhahahaha…" Naruto chuckled quietly. 'Well if this isn't fun…' He paused. 'But you know what; it's not fun enough for me. After all, I'm a demon with standards!'
"Don't say that line! I hate it!" Yamato shouted.
'Oh, sorry… Anyway…' Naruto smirked and became half-transparent. Slowly he walked behind some random guy's back and whispered. "Hey, your best friend is fucking your wife behind your back."
Man's eyes widened in shock. "W-What?!"
Naruto's smirk widened as he disappeared again and started whispering to random people.
"He stole your money…"
"He burned down your house…"
"She's pregnant from another man…"
"He falsified the documents to get promoted instead of you…"
"She wants to clean your bank account and run away…"
"These are not the droids you are looking for…"
Twenty seconds later there was already a huge crowd of people beating one another. No difference, everyone was hitting everyone.
"Hmhmhmhmhmhmhm!" Naruto chuckled from the shadows. "How sad, people are so easily controlled…"
"Are you really saddened by that?!" Yamato asked.
"Are you insane?! Of course not, it just makes my work that much easier!" The blond said, pushing himself off the wall. "Nice to know that I still got it. Now where is the Central Square…?"
"ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?"
Naruto grinned at hearing that. "Ah, there it is…"
"What do you mean we haven't found him yet?!" Sandaime Hokage shouted in rage.
"I apologize, Hokage-sama." Morino Ibiki replied. "We will double our efforts."
"Damn it! How hard can it be to find one kid?!"
Enma's eyebrows rose. "What did you just say?"
"Uh…" Hiruzen paused. "I said how hard can it be to find one kid…?"
"A kid?!" The monkey elder yelled, punching a hole through the wall. "Damn my forgetfulness!"
"What are you talking about?" The Hokage asked.
"I'm saying that you are looking for the wrong person! If Naruto has drained Kyuubi's power, then he probably returned to his old body." Enma stated. "So what we should look out for is an eighteen year old young man, dressed in all black and possibly with a pair of sunglasses on his face."
Ibiki nodded. "Hai, I will send the word."
"Wait a moment, Ibiki." Hiruzen stopped him. "Did they cancel the festival as I instructed?"
The ANBU commander sighed. "I'm sorry, Hokage-sama. Despite all our efforts the civilian council just keeps insisting on going through with the event."
Old man's eyes narrowed. "I see. What about the security personal?"
"Hai, fifty four jounins are currently patrolling the event sector."
Sarutobi nodded. "Alright, that will do."
"No, it won't." Enma commented. "Come, Sarutobi. We must go to that sector this instant."
"Do you think he will strike there?" The old man asked.
"I know he will…"
The event sector…
"I'm gonna do it! I was waiting for this chance my entire life!" A man dressed like Yondaime Hokage exclaimed in excitement. "Playing Yondaime-sama… this is my ticket to the grand stage! I will…"
He stopped in midsentence when a hand suddenly landed on his shoulder.
"Hey, how are you doing?" A stranger asked.
"Thank you, I'm…"
"It doesn't matter how you're doing!" Naruto shouted, pointing at man's face. "Hadou #54 Haien!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" The actor screamed as purple flames burned his body to a crisp in a matter of seconds.
"Damn, what did he ever do to you?" Yamato asked.
'Shut your mouth, he was dressed like that imbecile. That was enough for me.' Naruto responded, taking up a single piece of paper – the only thing that remained from the man he just killed. "What in the blue hell is… oh…"
"What's the matter?"
"Haha! Can you believe?! This moron was supposed to play my dear daddy in this year's event!" The blond exclaimed. "Check this out. I'm the great Yondaime Hokage… blah, blah, blah… I'm Konohagakure's biggest hero…"
"He sounds like your good friend Sasuke…"
"Shut up. Blah, blah, blah… you bad evil demon…" Naruto raised an eyebrow. "Bad evil demon?! Damn that's lame. Besides, have you ever seen a good demon?!"
Naruto waved his hand. "Nah, that doesn't count."
"Why the fuck not?!"
"He's too ugly."
"Right… Then how about Sparda?"
Naruto's smile fell. "Son of a… Alright, you got me here. Anyway, this shit won't do at all." He crumbled the piece of paper in his hand and threw it over his shoulder. "Thankfully Uzumaki Naruto is here to save the da…" He stopped and looked over his shoulder sharply. "Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me."
Naruto had the urge to slap his forehead. There stood Hyuga Hinata, desperately looking for something.
"Six pack of cola she's looking for you!"
The blond rolled his eyes and turned into his 'orange jumpsuit' version. Of course Hinata noticed him quickly and hid behind a corner, taking short glances at him.
Naruto sighed. 'Now what should I do with her? Come to think of it, there are not many things I haven't done to her. RKO – check. Stunner – check… Shit, I even mind-raped her! Now what is left? Is there… yes, of course!'
"What are you going to do?" Yamato asked.
The demon grinned evilly. 'I'm gonna give that girl what she always wanted.' He thought, blurring out of view.
Hinata came out of the corner completely. "Naruto-kun disappeared…"
"Hello, Hinata." Suddenly came from behind.
"KYAAA!" The girl jumped in surprise and backed away until her back hit the wall. "N-Naruto-kun?"
"Yes. I've been looking for you, Hinata." He said, slowly walking towards her with a confident smile on his face.
Hinata's heart skipped a beat. "You've been looking… for me?"
"Indeed." Naruto nodded, leaning close and placing his right hand on the wall near Hinata's head. "I wanted to tell you something… Actually, I wanted to say this for a while."
"Hinata, I love you."
The girl stopped breathing. 'Naruto-kun… He… He just… He just confessed that he…'
Naruto meanwhile bit hard on his lip. 'Don't laugh. Don't laugh! DON'T LAUGH! Damn, I can't hold it! Yamato, electrocute me!'
"Kh… Kh… KHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" The demon blade laughed. "That expression on her face! OH MY GOD! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!"
'SHUT UP!' Naruto shouted in his head. "Hinata, I must know if you feel the same. I…"
"Of course I do!" She yelled in Naruto's face, startling him a little. "I had feelings for you since we started the academy!"
"Oh, that's good." Naruto smiled brightly. "Because you see, I've been holding my feelings back for a while and they need a… a release." He then took her waist and turned her around. "Yeah, a release will do just fine."
Hinata's eyes widened. "W-What are you doing, Naruto-kun?" She asked in slight fear.
"Oh Hinata! Nothing can stop my burning love and passion for you now!" Naruto exclaimed, pulling Hinata's pants down. "I need to become one with you as soon as possible!"
"Wha…?" She stuttered. "But I… We can't…! It shouldn't be like this!"
"I'm sorry, my love, but I can't wait anymore!" The blond stated, undoing his belt. "Now let us spread flames of youth! Pffffft! HAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!" He laughed hard, slapping his face several times. "Shit, I couldn't hold myself any longer. Sorry, girl, but… the hell?!"
Hinata was currently lying on her face… with her naked ass facing the sky.
"She fainted…" Naruto concluded. "Damn, that girl is completely unfuckable. And she wanted to marry me! Imagine how that would go…"
Naruto's daydream. A night from Naruto and Hinata's married life…
"Hinata, darling, let's do this." Naruto whispered, smiling kindly.
"Hai, Naruto-kun, I'm ready."
They both leaned in for a kiss and then… Hinata fell on her back, losing consciousness.
"Motherfucking shit! Three hundred and thirty eight nights in a row! Why in the blue hell did I ever marry that useless bitch?!"
Back to the real world…
"Indeed, what could possibly make you do that?" Yamato asked.
Back in the dream world…
"So, are you finally going to admit defeat?" Hanabi asked, standing in the doorframe. "Or you need a whole year for that?"
Naruto sighed. "Nah, you were right, she's completely unfuckable."
Hanabi smirked. "Took you long enough. Now come on, I've prepared your favorite in jakuzzi."
"Hell yeah!" The blond grinned, standing up. "At least one good thing I got from this useless marriage!"
Back in the real world…
"Shit, only you could do something like that." Yamato commented.
Surprisingly Naruto said nothing.
"Hey, something's wrong?"
Naruto sighed. "Hanabi… I liked that girl, you know. She had personality… and attitude."
"Yeah, I kind of liked her as well. What's your point?"
The demon rolled his eyes. "Don't you get it? She was a simple human at this point in time. So she's probably lost to me forever… A really sad thought."
"Yeah, well… When you're sad, just kill some people to get in the mood!" The demon blade suggested. "Works all the time!"
Naruto smirked. "Yeah, I guess you're right…"
"I AM THE GREAT KYUUBI! AND I HAVE COME TO CRUSH AND DESTROY THIS VILLAGE! BWAHAHAHAHA!"
"…And I even know where to start." He said as his smirk widened. "It's time to play the game…" The demon muttered, disappearing in a flash of… yellow.
With Sasuke and Sakura…
"Come on, the Hokage tower is nearby!" Sasuke and his friends rushed to a high building when…
"FINALLY, THE GREAT ONE HAS COME BACK TO KONOHA!"
Sakura and Sasuke stopped dead in their tracks.
"W-What?" Ryuga asked, stopping as well. "What happened?"
"Naruto…" Sasuke muttered, narrowing his eyes.
"Naruto? Where?" Ryuga asked, looking around. "I don't see…"
"Be quiet, please!" Sasuke interrupted, hesitating about what to do next.
"Sasuke-kun…" Sakura began. "You said it yourself; we are not ready for him yet."
The Uchiha gritted his teeth in anger. "I know that, dammit! But I just can't stand and do nothing while Naruto…" Sasuke's eyes widened in fear.
"What's wrong?" Sakura asked immediately.
"Don't you realize it? It was a dynamic enhanced voice!" Sasuke stated. "And today is the festival. Can you guess what's going to happen?!"
Sakura gasped, covering her mouth with her hands. "He's going to kill the attendants! We can't let this happen!"
"Exactly." Sasuke nodded. "Come on!"
"Hey, wait!" Ryuga shouted, rushing after his friends. "There should be guards! Let them handle it!"
"They don't know it's him." Sasuke spat through gritted teeth. "They don't know what he can do."
"Dammit! At least say where we are going!"
"Ryuga, I…" Sakura hesitated. "I really think you should go home now."
"What?!" The boy in question shouted. "If you think for one second that I will leave my friend to deal with… whatever it is he's gonna deal with alone, then you are sadly…"
"She's right." Sasuke suddenly said. "You are not ready for this."
"Ready for what?"
Sasuke and Sakura fell silent for some moments. Then Sasuke finally spoke.
"I won't lie to you, Ryuga. If you'll come with us, you will probably see so much death that you will never be the same again."
"I…" The brown haired boy paused. "I'm going." He said confidently.
Sasuke nodded. "Alright then. Let's move up." He said, jumping onto the roof, quickly followed by others. "There he is."
"Yes, I see him." Sakura confirmed.
"What? Where is he?" Ryuga asked, scanning the crowd.
"You are looking the wrong way." Sakura stated. "He's right there on the stage."
Ryuga's eyebrows rose. "Wha…? But how do you know?"
Sasuke's eyes narrowed. "Because he said that damn line…"
Meanwhile on the stage…
"FINALLY, THE GREAT ONE HAS COME BACK TO KONOHA!" Naruto shouted, appearing in a flash of yellow dressed like the Fourth Hokage.
The crowd responded with a loud cheer.
"Please help us!"
"Kill the demon!"
The blond grinned at this. 'Look at these people, they love me!'
"I bet they won't love you for long." Yamato commented.
Naruto's grin turned into a malicious one. 'Oh, indeed.' He thought, turning to 'the Kyuubi'. "How dare you, little jabroni?! How dare you to come into Minato's village, the people's village, Konoha, and run your mouth about how you're the great demon and how you're gonna kick all our asses?! Did you actually think that Minato is just going let that go?! Did you for one second think that Minato is gonna let it slide, is that what you think?!"
Of course 'the Kyuubi' looked startled. "I-I…"
"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!" 'Minato' shouted right into 'Kyuubi's' face. "The fact of the matter is this, jabroni. By coming here into the people's village, you managed to do one thing only… and that is to check your red furry ass right into the SMACKDOWN HOTEL!"
"Do you people want to see Yondaime Hokage beat the shit out of this piece of trash?!" Minato asked, pointing at 'the Kyuubi'.
"Then let me put it like this! If you wanna see Yondaime kicking the shit out of Kyuubi, give me a hell yeah!"
"B-But that was not in the script…" 'The Kyuubi' stuttered.
'Minato' turned to him in irritation. "Seeing as Yondaime was not done speaking you should KNOW YOUR ROLE AND SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
'The Kyuubi' started to back down. "W-Wait, what are you doing?"
Back on one of the rooftops Ryuga looked at his friends in confusion.
"Umm… Guys? If you wanted to stop Naruto that badly, then why are we watching this damn show?"
"Quiet." Sasuke hushed him. "I know exactly when to strike."
"How are we going to do this?" Sakura asked.
"I'll try to sneak in and use a Chidori on him." The Uchiha stated. "You try to provide a backup if necessary."
"H-Hai, but…" She paused. "Wait, at this point in time your body was not yet ready for…"
"I know!" Sasuke interrupted again. "I know… but there is nothing else I can do right now."
Ryuga stared at Sasuke, wondering. 'What the hell is he talking about? Chidori? What Chidori?! And what about time?! Damn, my head is gonna expode!'
"NOW!" Sasuke exclaimed and rushed down, rapidly forming handseals…
Back on the stage 'Minato' raised 'the Kyuubi' by the throat.
"Well, according to Minato's Rolex it's time to wrap this shit up, so let me give you a little parting gift. Ahem… here goes…
The Great Kyuubi wants to be bad,
But he got his ass whooped instead.
So say good night and prepare for the crooking
IF YOU SMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLALALALALALAAAAAAW WHAT MINATO IS…!"
"Wha…" 'Minato' looked down on his pierced chest. "The hell?"
The crowd gasped.
'Minato' looked over his shoulder. "Uke-chan?! Damn, you just had to ruin one of my favorite catchphrases!"
Sasuke's eyes narrowed. "You're not dead. That means you have already drained Kyuubi's power… Naruto."
Naruto smirked. "Oh? And you never knew Chidori at this point, which means you have regained your memory, what a shame…" He then clenched his left fist tighter, breaking actor's neck, and then he threw the already dead body away.
"Tch." Sasuke quickly withdrew his hand and jumped away, creating some distance. "What were you going to do to these people?"
"Hmhmhmhahahaha!" The blond laughed, threw the microphone away and pointed his right hand at the crowd. "What people?!"
Sasuke's eyes widened when a red orb appeared on his nemesis's hand. "NO! RUN AWAY! QUICK!" He tried to shout but civilians just looked dumbfound until…
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Humans screamed as their bodies were immolated by a large beam of red energy.
"Damn you!" The Uchiha shouted, trying to run forward and grab Naruto's right hand… but got caught by the throat instead.
"Got ya!" Naruto exclaimed happily, cancelling his technique. "Let's see you try to escape out of this one, Uke-chan!" He outstretched his right hand and was about to ram it right through Sasuke's chest when…
Sakura suddenly blurred into view right in front of him.
"What the…?" The blond could only mutter before receiving a crushing kick to the ribs.
"SHANNARO!" Sakura shouted, launching Naruto high into the sky. "Now, Sasuke-kun!"
"Got it!" The Uchiha quickly recovered and jumped after Naruto. "Shishi Rendan!"
Naruto's body landed on some building, crushing it in the process.
"Holy shit!" Ryuga exclaimed rushing up to Sasuke and Sakura. "You guys were incredible! No way he survived this!"
Both teens turned to him with 'are you an idiot' look.
"No, he's not done by a long shot." Sasuke stated, turning back to the place where Naruto had landed.
"Ho, such praise!" Said blond exclaimed, getting out from the rubble. He was no longer taking Yondaime's look and now looked like Sasuke and Sakura remembered.
Ryuga's eyes widened. "Naruto?! What the hell has happened to you?!"
The demon tilted his head in confusion. "I probably asked already, but who in the blue hell are you?"
"What, are you high, man?! It's me, Ryuga, your frie…"
"He doesn't know you, Ryuga." Sakura interrupted. "This is not Naruto you remember."
"What do you mean? Is there another Naruto? And what is…"
"Enough!" Naruto shouted, with smile fading from his face. "I've had just about enough with you two pieces of trash ruining my fun all the time. But it seems like you have forgotten one small detail… Back then you both were nothing but insects to me. And now…" He quickly teleported between the three teens, kicking both Sasuke and Ryuga and backhanding Sakura across the face.
"Gah!" Three academy students gasped as they were sent flying.
"Now you're not even fun to mess around with. Such a shame…" The smirk returned to Naruto's face. "But since you were so annoying in the past… the future… whatever. Anyway, since you annoyed me so much I can't just let such an opportunity pass by." He created a fireball in his hand. "I'm gonna miss you, guys…"
Sasuke got to one knee and glared at Naruto in defiance.
"Oh, scary." The blond mocked. "Well, farewell, Uke-chan." He was about to throw the fireball when suddenly ninjas started to appear around him in puffs of smoke. In a matter of seconds he got completely surrounded.
"Ho? Looks like the cavalry has arrived!"
The smirk fell once more. Naruto knew this voice all too well.
"Now what have we here?" He turned around slowly. "The biggest piece of Konoha's trailer park trash walking god's green Earth!"
Well, that's it for the chapter. However, since you liked it so much last time…
Here Darthemius presents to you…
THE NARUTO VERSUS OMAKES!
Omake: Naruto versus Son Goku…
Darthemius: And then she crawled right out of TV! Can you believe it?
Naruto: No shit?!
Darthemius: Yeah… I'm telling you, man. Smurfs are evil!
Naruto: You damn right! If this is their idea of good time…
Darthemius's cell phone: I have voices in my head…
Darthemius (Picking up): Let me guess, I will die in seven days?
Another unknown voice: No, I believe it will be much sooner.
Darthemius (Rolling his eyes): Okay, what's your deal then?
Unknown voice: It's a game. There are twelve rounds. You win more than you lose, and I will turn myself in. You lose… and something will happen to your girlfriend.
Darthemius: Which one?
Unknown voice: Her name is Diana I believe…
Darthemius: Pfffffffffft! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!
Naruto: What? What?!
Darthemius: Some guy says that if I don't play his game, then he will kill Diana!
Unknown voice: You think it's funny?!
Naruto and Darthemius: YES! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!
Unknown voice: So you refuse to play then?
Darthemius: Got that right. Go kill that bitch.
Unknown voice: So be it.
(Sound of a door being kicked open)
Diana's voice in the phone: Who the fuck are you?
Unknown voice: Your boyfriend refused to comply. Sorry it has to be this way…
Diana's voice in the phone: …Are you fucking stupid or fucking what?
Unknown voice: W-What?! Impossible.
BANG. BANG. BANG.
Diana's voice in the phone: Okay, I hope you wrote your will.
SMACK. SMACK. SMACK.
Darthemius (Moving the cell phone away from his ear and flinching): Ouch…
Naruto: Hang it, man. I can't even hear it.
Darthemius: Well, it actually sounds kind of fun…
Unknown voice: Please, just let me die…
Diana: Not so fast, buddy! You haven't even met my sword yet!
Darthemius (Hanging the phone): I take it back…
Naruto: Man, this woman is evil… More evil than I am! Than we are! Than telletubies!
Naruto: Okay, maybe not telletubies. But she's evil.
Darthemius: Yeah, and it was us who made her that way.
Naruto: Yeah… Well anyway, I don't see the target coming back… Who were we supposed to kill anyway?
Darthemius: Vinny the Pooh…
Darthemius: Don't look at me like that! You know we need money.
Naruto: We're not that desperate…
Darthemius: Well, it's Diana's birthday soon…
Naruto: Shit… Okay, I don't blame you then. But, no target, no job. Let's go home.
?: Hey there. You look strong, let's fight!
Naruto (Turning around): Huh? Who in the blue hell are you?
?: I am Son Goku. And I… AM A SUPER SAYAN!
Naruto and Darthemius: …
Naruto: Let me put it like this, man… What in the blue hell is a super saiyan?!
Goku: Oh, you're going to love this. Trust me. What you see now is my normal state.
Goku: This is a super saiyan. This…
Goku: This is known as a super saiyan that ascended past a super saiyan. Or, you can just call it a super saiyan two.
Naruto: Hey Darth, why don't I have a cool transformation like this?
Darthemius: Duh, man. You do.
Naruto: But my hair doesn't change…
Darthemius: Oh, stuff it…
Goku: And this… is to go even further beyond! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Naruto: Well, at least he can fit as a light bulb… (Taking out his gun) Maybe I should just blow his brains up and…
Darthemius: Oh, wait-wait-wait! I want to see what's gonna happen!
Naruto: Really? And how long are we going to wait?
One hour later…
Naruto: I spy something… loud and shining.
Darthemius: That screaming idiot.
Naruto: That ain't fair, man. I can't see anything else because of him.
Darthemius: Not my problem…
Two hours later…
Darthemius: Suck on this! Flush!
Naruto: Suck yourself, full house.
Darthemius: Fucking shit!
Five hours later…
Naruto: Puff… Nice shit. Where did you get it…?
Darthemius: Puff… Wesker… He knows… how to make some good… puff… shit…
Naruto: Puff… Damn right…
Eight hours later…
Ten hours later…
Pilot: Base command, this is Eagle 1-oh-1 approaching unknown flying object. Over.
Base command: Eagle, do you have a visual on the target? Over.
Pilot: I have the visual. I repeat, have the visual. This is some… guy?
Base command: What do you mean?
Pilot: Some blond man is floating in the air, sir. Looks like he emits a huge amount of energy.
Base command: Is he doing anything else?
Pilot: He's screaming and crouching… If not for his energy output I would've thought he just have some serious stomach problems.
Base command: Maybe it is the reason. Anyway, we have our orders. Shoot it down, Eagle.
Pilot: Affirmative. Missile launched…
Twelve hours later…
Darthemius: Owww shit… Remind me not to take stuff from Wesker again…
Naruto: I will man… oh fuck, my head…
Darthemius: Sht, I can't walk, man… Can you teleport us home, man?
Naruto: I'll try… Wait… What were we doing here anyway?
Darthemius: I can barely remember my name, pal. Don't ask useless questions.
Naruto: Okay, man… Let's hope we won't end in Timbuktu…
KO! Winner: Uzumaki Naruto.
Somewhere in Tibet…
Darthemius: Shit, man… How am I gonna explain this to Diana…?
Naruto: Look on the brighter side… At least it's not Timbuktu…
And that is it. Be sure to send me some cola, and of course don't forget to…
FUCK LIKE HELL AND SLEEP WELL!