What Would You Do?
He's been angry before but this is different. Drew knows he'll never be the same, that a part of him will forever be gone and missing. He knows that no one will ever be able to fill that void that he's felt for days on end now. He doesn't know how, but he just realizes that things will never be the same. Nothing from the moment he saw his parents and the look in their eyes and the moment he knew his baby brother was gone, just like that. He'd never thought Adam wouldn't make it. The kid was a fighter, a warrior, one of the bravest of the brave. He'd been through so much and Drew never stopped to think that there would come a time he would have to go through life without Adam. It'd always been him and Adam, the two of them against the world; even if they were fighting. Drew assumed he would make it out of surgery and everything would be fine. He doesn't know why this happened or why it was Adam of all people. Adam, the one guy who was actually good to the core and willing to give up his own happiness for somebody else. Adam, who smiled through every ounce of pain he ever felt. Adam, who always took care of him. Adam, his rock.
He's mad at himself. Mad that he didn't talk more with Adam. Mad that he didn't go with Adam. Mad that he couldn't get Adam to let the Becky issue go. He's mad at Adam. Mad at him, the boy who was usually telling others not to text and drive. How could Adam do such a thing? His heart sinks every time he feels that anger at his baby brother build up because he knows Adam's gone and he feels guilty. He misses him and wants him back, he wants to hold him and scream at him and cry with him and make him see reason. But Adam's gone from the body that was nothing but a cage and the anger doubles. Adam had such a hard life and it makes him so incredibly angry that he ends up picking a chair up and throwing it across the basement. It smacks into the wall and he breathes out heavily. His fists ball up and he wants to scream so he does. He wants to hit something, so he does. He hits anything close enough. Himself, the wall, the coffee table that has all of Adam's comics on it.
Drew's never felt rage like this in his life before. He's sure of it. Nothing has compared to this. Nothing has hurt this badly. He waits and he waits. Waits for Adam to come and clean up his mess. Waits for Adam's voice telling him off, to stop being dumb. He waits to hear the footsteps and the sigh, the calm string of DrewDrewDrew that Adam always had when he knew his older brother just needed to be reminded that it was all okay.
But it doesn't come and it's not all okay.
It's never going to be okay again.
Adam's footsteps don't come. His voice doesn't soothe Drew. He doesn't hear someone telling him to stop being dumb.
There is nothing, nothing but silence and this ache in his chest that he just wants to go away.
It won't go away. It somehow gets worse as he stands there, breathing in and out and counting to ten but nothing stops it and he kicks the coffee table over, feeling foolish and every bit dumb that Adam would tell him he was being but he doesn't care. He doesn't care anymore because he lost his best friend and he doesn't know how or why this had to happen. He doesn't understand how this is fair because it was Adam, the greatest person he'd ever known and he screams again, unable to stop it ripping from his throat. They were going to graduate together. Get matching tuxedo's and Adam was going to be his best man. Adam was the best man.
He loses it now. His screams turning to sobs and he drops down to the ground, his eyes taking in the scattered comics, the game controllers but it's all blurred and he wants to stop it all. Instead he lays there and he cries. He cries until he can no longer breathe and he hopes that if there's a God, that he takes him, too because he doesn't see how he's going to make it out of this without Adam.
He wants his baby brother. He wants to hear him laugh again. He wants to see Adam roll his eyes and tell him a silly joke. He wishes over and over that this is just a very bad dream. He'll wake up, step out of his tent and Adam will be there with Colton or one of the other campers but he knows this is reality and it's shitty. He knows he'll never see his brother like that again and he sobs again, the tears streaming down his cheeks before he can care to wipe them away.
It's not Adam's voice but his mom and he feels like he should be stronger for her but right now he can't. He just can't. He's went days without crying and making sure everybody had what they needed and he's tired. He's tired of faking smiles, tired of pretending he's okay because he isn't. He is not okay.
"Drew, it's going to be okay." Her voice is closer now and he feels her reach for him as she sits next to him on the floor and he's eight again, scooting into her lap, his legs on the floor, his head against her chest and when her arms wrap around his shoulders, he tries to hear Adam making fun of him for being such a wuss but nothing helps. Adam is gone and he's not coming back. He isn't sure what to say or what to do, but her fingers smooth his hair down and her hand rubs his back and he cries into her shoulder, his fists balled up with the anger coursing through him but this is as safe as he'll ever feel again.
She talks, her voice quiet and soothing and he doesn't know what she says but he knows that it helps. Not much, because nothing will make losing Adam okay but when he can breathe again, he's thankful for his mother and knows this won't be the last break down for either of them. That he'll walk in on her crying for the rest of their lives or that he'll hear his dad hiding sniffles in the laundry room when he thinks nobody's around. But he knows Adam would want him to get up and try again. He knows Adam would want him to graduate. Get the tux they talked about. To pick a new best man despite the fact that in his heart, it will always be Adam. He knows his baby brother will always be there, even if he can't see him or hug him like he wants to.
He knows and it brings little comfort but enough for him to sit up, wipe his tears away and take a deep breath. He knows deep down he has to finish all the things they said they'd do together. Not for him, but for Adam.
Because he has to live for both of them now and he doesn't intend to let the guy down, not now. Not ever again. Maybe it's too late, but maybe Adam, wherever he's at, will appreciate it.
I just keep thinking about Drew and how he broke apart when he saw his parents. I don't know, let me know how you feel about this! As always, sorry for the pretty crappy ending.