Author's Note: Okay, I don't know where this came from. I was just sitting at the computer, playing solitaire, when all of a sudden this idea popped into my head. Before you, the brave reader, jump into this…thing, I'd like to warn you: I've just been watching Super S on Cartoon Network, so I haven't seen the whole season, nor have I seen the original. But I did know enough that Fisheye is really a man, so I corrected that little American censoring. Anyway, if you like it, I'll do some more, even go into other animes! Wow! Oh, and for more of Jess and Lauren, check out my other story, Perils of the Pokemon World. It's a fun little parody (at least I think so). Anyway, enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon, the Amazon Trio, or anything else except a bed and a chair, so don't sue. Jess is me, so she's mine, and Lauren belongs to my best friend of the same name.
Past Your Bedtime!
With Hosts Jess and Lauren
Special Guests: The Amazon Trio
[Lights go up on the set and the audience cheers. From the set, Jess, seated behind a desk, waves to the cameras. Sitting on a large couch next to the desk is Lauren, who is waving also.]
Jess: Hello, loyal viewers, and welcome to my new talk show host gig! I, of course, am Jess, and this (points to Lauren) is my faithful sidekick, Lauren!
Jess: Tonight, for our premiere edition, we rounded up everyone's favorite group of Sailor Moon villains!
Audience Member: The Negaverse generals?
Audience Member: The Negamoon family?
Jess: No, not them…
Audience Member: Dr. Tomoe and Witches 5?
Jess: Not quite…
Audience Member: Melvin?
Lauren: He's not even a villain.
Jess: (To someone offstage) That guy. Row three, seat five. I want him disappeared, post-haste.
[The audience member is suddenly hauled off, kicking and screaming, by several burly men.]
Jess: Well, now that that's finished, I'd like everyone to welcome The Amazon Trio!
[Audience cheers as Tiger's Eye, Hawkeye, and Fisheye all walk onto the stage, bow gracefully, then take their seats.]
Jess: Hello, you three, and welcome to my new show.
Hawkeye: It's nice to be here.
Tiger's Eye: (Inching closer to Lauren) Believe me, the pleasure is all mine!
[Lauren looks mildly frightened by Tiger's Eye's advances and turns to Jess for assistance. However, Jess is blissfully unaware of the situation.]
Jess: First question. Hawkeye, I think we all want to know, what's with the outfit?
Hawkeye: (Looking confused) What do you mean?
Jess: Oh, come on! You've got a little skirty-thing on and a scary halter-top! You dress like a girl!
Hawkeye: I do not! I wear normal clothes all the time. This is just my circus outfit.
Lauren: Yeah, about that circus thing. How can you possibly consider yourselves threatening? You're all a bunch of freakin' carnies, for cryin' out loud!
Fisheye: We are not carnies! We're members of the Dead Moon circus!
Lauren: Yeah, right. Listen, putting the word "dead" in there does not automatically make you evil!
Jess: (Looking pointedly at Hawkeye) Neither does crossdressing.
[Off in Pokemon World, James of Team Rocket begins bawling his eyes out at this revelation.]
Tiger's Eye: (Winking at Lauren) You know, I never crossdress, unless, of course, that thing is your kind of bag, baby.
[Lauren whimpers a little and tries to move away from Tiger's Eye, but her progress is impeded by the arm of the sofa.]
Lauren: Jess, can I switch seats with you?
Jess: I'm the host, so I get to sit behind the desk, okay? Now, on to the next question, which just happens to be for Fisheye.
Fisheye: (Squeals like a little girl) Oh, goody! A question for me!
Jess: Oh…kay. Well, I was just wondering—
Jess: Um…You are of the…er…the, uh…male persuasion?
Fisheye: Of course! Don't I look manly?
[Jess starts to say something, but Lauren slaps a hand over her mouth.]
Lauren: What Jess meant to say is, are you aware of the fact that you're a chick in the dub?
Fisheye: WHAT?! How can they make me a girl?! How dare they! I'm practically the personification of testosterone! It's anime sacrilege!!!
Jess: (Removing Lauren's hand from her mouth) Well, you do have very prominent eyelashes, longish hair, and a tendency to wear dresses. Oh, and there is that whole hitting-on-guys thing. I'm afraid that American TV is just not ready for a fruit like you.
Lauren: Um, those opinions were Jess's and do not reflect that of this program's or those of sane people.
Jess: Right. But I've got another question for Fisheye.
Fisheye: (Completely forgetting the insult) Yippee!
Tiger's Eye: I'm feeling a little neglected here.
Jess: We'll get to you in a second. Keep your tights on.
Tiger's Eye: (To Lauren) I bet you won't be saying that later on tonight. Heh heh heh…
Lauren: (Now obviously terrified) Jess!
Jess: In a minute, buddy. Okay, Fisheye, do you get dressed in the dark in the dark or something? Dude, you look like the Michelin Man in that thing.
Fisheye: Now, just a second!
Jess: And the fish skeleton on the crotch? I never claimed to be a fashion expert, but damn! It's just gross!
Hawkeye: You know, she's got a point, Fish.
Fisheye: You, too?! (Looking down at her outfit) Actually, maybe you guys are right. Jess, would you mind if I went and changed really quickly?
Jess: Go ahead. We'll be right here when you get back.
[Fisheye giggles and runs offstage to changer her attire.]
Jess: Now, on to the interrogation of Tiger's Eye.
Tiger's Eye: Great! I just love women.
Lauren: (Mutters) Well, that makes one of you guys.
Hawkeye: I heard that!
Jess: Shh, Hawkeye! I'm trying to humiliate Tiger's Eye right now.
Hawkeye. Oh. Well, carry on.
Jess: Thanks. Alrighty, Tiger, I hear you fancy yourself as a ladies man.
Tiger's Eye: (Smiling directly at Lauren) Well, I suppose I do have a way with the chicks.
Jess: And you probably think that you're a smooth operator, too.
Tiger's Eye: Oh, I don't like to brag…
[Tiger's Eye does an extremely fake yawn and stretches his arms above his head, then lowers one around Lauren's shoulders. At this point, Lauren has gone into a near-comatose state, trying to pretend that this is not really happening.]
Jess: Because I was wondering…
Tiger's Eye: Yes?
Jess: You know, just wondering…
Tiger's Eye: Yes…?
Jess: If you would GET YOU FILTHY ARM OFF MY FRIEND!!!
[Tiger's Eye shrieks and jerks his arm away. The sudden movement breaks Lauren out of her trance and she jumps up from her seat and runs, screaming, offstage.]
Hawkeye: Whoa. Is she gonna be okay?
Jess: I imagine so. But just in case, I should go make sure she doesn't try to kill the stage manager again.
[Jess walks off the stage after Lauren, then reappears a few seconds later.]
Jess: And by the way, Tiger, I'm free Saturday night. Here's my number. (Tosses Tiger's Eye a business card.) Call me!
[Jess dashes off again. Tiger's Eye flashes the card at Hawkeye, grinning proudly.]
Tiger's Eye: Told you I was still the Grandmaster Pimp! Pay up, sucker!
[Hawkeye grumbles and forks over the cash. Then he and Tiger's Eye walk off the stage. The lights go down and the audience leaves as well. Suddenly, one last person comes rushing onstage, almost impossible to make out in the dark.]
Fisheye: I did it! I got a better outfit! Guys! Guys? Hey, where'd everyone go?
Author's End Note: So, too weird? If you liked it, leave a review. If I get enough, I'll write some more of these interviews.