Hi there :) Finally I was able to write something for the Leia/Alvin-fandom.
I have to thank Ryuchu for the inspriring story that lead me to write this one. It contains a lot of spoilers so be prepared.
Well I hope you like it.
What I need the most
Night had fallen in Xian Du. After they had returned with Isla from the Royal Hunting Grounds. It had been an eventful day and it was no surprise that Alvin was not able to find any sleep. In his hand he held the last letter from his mother. He knew it by heart by now. In his other hand he held a bottle of wine he had bought just a few hours ago. It was nothing much but it would ease the pain a little, or so he hoped. Until now, he could still feel the burning sensation of loss. It was not going away, no matter how many gulps he took. While leaning on the small balustrade and gazing over the few lights that shone in the dark, he let his mind wander off. With every breath he could smell the wyverns that were up in their cages. His friends were staying at the inn and even though they didn't want to let him alone right now, he had begged them to leave him be. He needed some time to sort things out and to finally let his mask fall, if just for a few hours.
Closing his eyes he saw his mother's face for a last time and how she had talked about their old home she had wanted to return to. He had received her last letter far too late and it angered him that he had never noticed Islas doing. Maybe her mother had forgiven her but he was still far away from it, even if he had told Isla that he would not bear her a grudge. It was easier said than done. Elise had been right: Isla had killed his mother after all.
Talking another gulp of the wine bottle, he heaved a sigh. He had offered Jurgen to stay with the now bedridden Isla in his mother's room, the day they leave the hospital. The last few hours, Alvin had packed the things of his mother without even knowing what to do with it. Should he throw it away, burn it or hide it somewhere?
Gazing up at the stars he could do nothing about the sudden fear that embraced his 26-year old heart. His mother was the only relative (beside Gilland but he never liked him anyway, so he could barley be called his family) that had been with him after landing here in Rieze-Mexia after leaving Elympios. She had been ill since then and he had done many things, mostly betraying and lying to save himself. It was not always because he was only thinking about himself but also about his mother who was the only family he had left in this strange new world. He had to survive so she would not have been alone. With another gulp the pang of fear was gone and he sighed again.
"I didn't know you were someone to drown his sorrow in alcohol."
He knew that voice and did not bother to turn around. His mask was still not back in place and he didn't feel the urge to let her see his miserable self. The alcohol told her already everything she needed to know.
"You still think I am easy to read? You of all people should know how two-faced I am."
There was a sharp edge in his voice but he did not care. She remained quiet for a few seconds before coming closer and finally leaning next to him on the balustrade while gazing down on the sleeping city.
"I know that all too well."
Her voice was a whisper and he closed his eyes with a sigh. He was really an idiot. How could he have said something like that to her? He had shot her for god sake and now he was rubbing salt in this still open wound. But there was no point in apologizing for his bitter remark.
They remained silent for what felt like ages until it was his turn to speak up.
"Why are you here Leia?"
He took another sip of his drink while still not facing her. Everything was good to disrupt that awful silence between them. She did not answer right away and he still avoided looking into her eyes.
"I wanted to see if you are okay after what has happened today."
He could not deny that he was surprised by her answer, even though he shouldn't be. After all she was a meddlesome person with good intentions. Even when facing enemies like Agria or betrayers like himself. This was actually the first time they talked alone after the whole incident in Hamil. Time sure flew by or was it only his imagination?
A bitter laugh left his throat. It sounded hoarse from the alcohol and his aching heart.
"I think I should feel honoured then."
He wanted to grin but it was nothing more than a grimace he tried to wash away with another sip of that damn bottle. Why didn't it help?
"Why are you trying to act so tough, even now?"
He could hear that she was beginning to get angry and he could understand her. He was behaving like a bastard or wasn't that his normal self? He didn't know anymore.
"Tough? I am nothing but pathetic."
His voice was dropping until it was nothing more than a whisper. His eyes laid on the city beyond them and he wanted her to go away, to let him drown in despair and let him finish that bottle of wine in silence. But she was not leaving. Instead she was beginning to speak again.
"Pathetic? You mean you call it pathetic for you to mourn for your mother after all you have gone through? Are you serious?"
Why was she asking him all these questions? His head was aching and he no longer knew what time they had and how long they had been standing here in the cold night air. Anger was boiling inside him and he knew that was his only self-defence at the moment. His grip on his bottle tightened. There was no going back now. She had driven him in a corner and he was not willing to let her see his vulnerable self.
Finally he looked at her. He saw her flinch after seeing the anger in his eyes but he was not done yet. This had to be said.
"Why do you even care? I don't get it! Why do you care about me? I betrayed all of you so many times and could do it all again. I sold you out to Gilland, Exodus and Gaius but you still intend to believe in me. Are you guys stupid or something?"
His voice was no longer a whisper but a screamed rant. He felt the anger consume himself and it felt good to finally say all those words. He looked down at her but she avoided his eyes, after all, both of them knew that he was right with every word. Alvin would have stopped right there but now that he finally had the courage to tell her all this, he continued, without realizing that he was going too far.
"And you! Why do you even feel the need to look after me? After all, I was the one who s…"
He stopped. Again he had seen her flinch and he immediately looked to her shoulder she gripped tightly. Now he was not only a bastard but something far worse. Was there even a word for someone so cold-hearted and stupid like him?
The silence between them felt even heavier and he knew that no apology in the world would have made things better between them. Not now. He was in no state to apologize properly but he would try it anyway.
Taking another big gulp he closed his eyes while turning away from her shivering self.
"I am sorry Leia. You should probably get back to the others. I will sleep here tonight."
His voice sounded so hoarse and deep and he didn't know if it was because of his rant a few seconds ago or because of the continuous sips of alcohol. He expected her to leave but she still remained next to him.
What was she doing? Had he scared her so much that she was now unable to move her legs? Even though that thought sounded pretty stupid and farfetched, his slightly drunken mind was not able to find another reason for her stay. Should he bring her to the inn? No, than the others would ask all those stupid questions and he was in no mood to deal with all the worrying right now. Not after hurting his friend again.
Before he could ask her if she was okay, she was the one who beat him to it. Her voice sounded slightly broken and he hoped she was not crying, because it would make him feel worse than he already felt by now. She was looking at him and yelled.
"I know fully well that it is a dangerous game to trust you after all you did to our group, but you still came back to us no matter what happened. If you really wanted to betray us for good, you would never have gone after Elise that day when they had stolen Teepo and you would not have helped us fighting Presa and Agria. It took you so much courage to do all of this and now you are standing here with us to fight Gaius and Muzet tomorrow in order to save your world."
Alvin could only gape at her. She had to take another breath because what she was about to say was way more important. He was not able to say something, because he could only stare at her tears.
"Do you really want to know why I came here to check on you? Even though I still don't feel comfortable around you and I can't do anything about the nightmares and the upcoming fear when you are standing behind me, I know that you are suffering Alvin. I know that you are hurting because you could not protect your mother and that you had to forgive Isla because it was the last wish of your mother. I cannot imagine how much it hurts but I know that you should not deal with it alone. Maybe I am the wrong person to say this after all we had gone through, but…"
She sobbed loudly but took another deep breath to finish her sentence.
"I don't want you to be alone."
Alvin could only stare at her not able to say anything. He knew that she hated him and it was understandable but here she was, telling him, that she did not want him to be alone to wallow in his sadness. Was this all an illusion his drunken mind made him believe or was she really saying all this? How could she be this strong and standing here in front of him after all that had happened? How could she be so goddamn amazing?
And before he knew what to do, he had taken her in his arms. The bottle had fallen to the floor, shattering in million pieces but he did not care. His heart was aching and he needed warmth. Hugging her closely to his chest he could not help the tears that fell from his closed eyelids. He half expected her to push him away but nothing happened. She was just leaning on him, crying her heart out and he did not know if it was because of pity she felt for him or because she was finally able to relax around him.
He was relieved that she could not see him crying while she was hiding her sobbing face in his coat. This was what he needed: a person to hold him. Taking a deep breath of her hair he felt the tension between them finally leaving them and suddenly it felt easier to breathe again.
Even though things still would be a little complicated between both of them, he knew that he wanted to try to change. If only to hold her like this a lot more in the future.
So how was this one? I hope you liked it. Thanks for giving my story a try!
Seeya around with my other oneshots. If you have any suggestions, feel free to let me know.