December 16, 2013. I must apologize for this. It is completely Tumblr's fault, you know exactly who you are, Cobranian. I wouldn't normally write Cobra characters, because I don't know them very well, but this would not leave me alone. Ever since then, it has been sitting in the back of my mind with several reminders popping up randomly. So, what I do know of these characters is taken pretty much from twitter, Tumblr, and Wikipedia, and some basic knowledge all around - comics, cartoons, movies. It seems to me that in the cartoons, Cobra Commander is a bit bat-shit crazy. In the comics, he's still crazy, but also genius. I would say the same mostly applies to the movies (RoC and Retaliation). I mostly base my Cobra Commander on bat-shit crazy. Kind of allows me to give reasons to some of the off the wall ideas I come up with. Why would anyone do this? Because the Commander is crazy enough to not need a reason. If these characters seem ooc, please let me know along with why. I find it difficult to keep in character sometimes, so feedback is helpful!

Disclaimer: As per the usual, I do not own any of these characters, the world of G.I. Joe, nor do I own Starbucks. Otherwise, I would be writing this from a bigger house, preferably located farther north...


She stood on the tip of one toe, balancing herself with her hand on one shelf while she reached with the other for the book she wanted. She was so close! She tried hopping a little to get that last inch, but was still short. "Come on!"

A shadow passed over her and she looked up to see an arm reaching for the book she wanted. She stopped reaching for it, standing back down on both feet. The arm's owner took the book off the shelf and handed it to her before taking another book off the shelf.

"Thank you!" she said, smiling up at him.

He smiled back at her. "You're welcome," he said, adding a mental 'This I command' in his head. He turned around and walked towards the computers, sitting down next to a man who glared at the woman. She hastily turned around and left to go check out her book.

Serpentor sat down with the tactical book he had gotten off the shelf, opening it up to a random section. He noticed Cobra Commander scowling. "Stop looking so unhappy. This I command!" he whispered to him.

"What wasss that about? Sssince when do we help get booksss off the ssshelf? And ssstop sssaying 'Thisss I command.' You are going to blow our cover!"

Serpentor snorted. "I doubt acting the opposite of normal is going to 'blow our cover.' If anything is going to blow our cover, it's going to be your constant hissing," he said, turning the page. He started reading in earnest, ignoring Cobra Commander as he browsed the internet.

A few feet away, sitting with his back to the computers in one of the cushiony chairs, a man rustled his newspaper, turning the page as he rolled his eyes. They had blown their cover the minute they walked in the door. 'Amateurs,' he thought, snorting softly.

A shadow appeared over him, but he ignored it in favor of his reading. Cobra Commander finally ended up poking him in the arm with his elbow. He looked up from his book, one eyebrow raised in annoyance, as he gave the evil eye to Cobra Commander. "What?" he snapped.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you, but I was wondering if maybe you'd like to go out for coffee? There is a Starbucks right around the corner," the woman from before asked Serpentor.

"As delightful as that sounds, I'm here with my boyfriend, sorry," Serpentor said, nodding towards Cobra Commander. The man in question sputtered, eyes nearly bulging out of their sockets, unable to get anything coherent out.

"Oh, well, thank you for getting the book for me and sorry for disturbing you," she said. She turned and left quickly, clearly embarrassed.

Cobra Commander stood up, gathering his coat and moving quickly to the printer. Serpentor sighed, and got up to put the book away. He caught up with Cobra Commander near the exit and laughed when Cobra Commander scowled at him and increased his pace. He had no trouble keeping up.

"Something the matter, dear?"

"I am not your boyfriend! The very idea is ludicrousss!"

"You are correct. As much time as I spend with you, we might as well be married."

Cobra Commander stopped short. "No one forcesss you to be around me all the time. Go bother sssomeone elssse. I'm sure Dessstro would love sssomeone to talk to besssidesss the Baronessssss. Or you could go help Zartan babysssit the Dreadnoksss!"

Serpentor snorted. "If I didn't watch you like a hawk, your incompetence would destroy MY organization. This I must stop!"

"YOUR organization?! Look here you upssstart puppy. I have been running MY organization just fine for longer then you have been alive."

"Barely. And look at the sorry state it would be in if I didn't stop you on a regular basis? You couldn't keep your employees from starting a civil war, you lost your beloved ninja guard, who now would like nothing more than to paint the walls with your blood, and you spend insane amounts of money on investments that rarely pay off. Cobra isn't your personal bank! This I command!"

"My plansss would work if not for the foolsss I have for underlingsss! I fail to sssee how any of thisss isss your businessssss! Cobra isss MINE! And for the millionth time, ssstop sssaying that!"

"Whatever you say, dear," Serpentor said, patting Cobra Commander on the head. He started walking again, leaving Cobra Commander to sputter and hiss in anger.

Nearby, the newspaper reading man, one Storm Shadow, was hiding behind some bushes, using all of his ninja training to keep from snickering or outright laughing. He knew both he and his brother had some of the weirdest reports, but this one was definitely going to be one of the more entertaining.