D is for Date
(and/or dude looks like a lady, and/or dearly beloved)

disclaimer: i do not own ouran high school host club

warnings: gay romance, gender-bending, if you haven't got that from the title ehe (though it just takes up a small amount), suggestions of TamakixKyouya and MorixHoney

a/n: sorry i was a bit late on this one, guys! it wasn't lack of motivation at all, i was just in a lazy phase. uh you can decide if that's the same thing or no: it isn't to me. great big thanks to 743, guest, don't-even-ask1 and EternalFalsity –swoons-

"Let's just get this over with," Kaoru sighed fondly, staring at his fuming twin with slight exasperation in his eyes. It was their idiot tono's fault this time that his brother was so upset, and for once not the naivety of a certain commoner named Haruhi. Feeling privileged and somewhat smug to be the group's leader, as always, Tamaki had hosted another ball yet again, this time with a numerous amount of prizes. Including "a date with your chosen host!" Oh yes, many girls have been ecstatic about that one. The host club guys...not so much.

Tamaki had pity on the runner up that wanted him so bad, so they were currently on a date as of now. The first winner was a girl called Ninata and she had chosen Kyouya. From the club's intelligence and Honey's skills of observing, they had concluded (avoiding Kyouya's supernatural ears) together that Kyouya had been under a severe amount of stress. That of which he was more crabby than usual, and left his mask on the table many times. He had yet to lose it in front of a customer.

Quite suddenly, Ninata had completely ditched the idea of the host date. Hikaru and Kaoru had turned their suspicious eyes into the innocence that was Kyouya, who must have backed the girl into the corner with sufficient blackmail and regulations to make a decision against her consent. No doubt he had driven the girl against the wall with the insanity of the real face of Kyouya. It was almost amusing. And cunning, not to mention; Tamaki, at that time, was too thick to notice anything, so Kyouya had yet to get a scolding. A scolding that would have been worthless.

Nevertheless, the second prize winner had received the first. Yes, the annoying miss Arisa. Despite her being a regular customer for the twins, and gained them transparent profit of words, she wasn't a big fan of the twin theme. She had shared her views with anyone who'd listen. Instead, she had a mighty infatuation with Hikaru, and not with the both of them together, like the rest of their fanbase.

Now guess who she chose?

Hikaru had his head in the cushion of his two arms overlaying each other as he sulked. In any other situation, Kaoru would have obtained great amusement from this; Hikaru never usually sulked, he was more on the temper side. Sulking was when one accepted miserably of the future outcome they had to receive. However, Tamaki was very strict about the rules, and no witty input from the twins could change it.

"Come on, Hikaru." Kaoru whined.

There was no answer.

"Hikaru?"

The younger poked at said person's head.

"Don't tell me you're crying."

SLAP!

"Am not!" Hikaru protested cockily.

Kaoru yelped, quickly retracting his hand as Hikaru slapped it in retaliation, leaning back on the chair with a grumpy pout, and his arms crossed in a pure appearance of annoyance. The younger rolled his eyes, rubbing at his abused hand with his free one.

"Hikaru," Kaoru scolded, sighing with hot air. "It's all red and numb now. You really didn't have to slap hard - you could have just thrown your five second tantrum without any slapping at all."

Hikaru flushed with slight guilt and anger, before reaching for his brother's hand and replaced the one rubbing it with his own.

"Yeah, I know, sorry." Hikaru grumbled. "Not my fault you're such a weakling."

"Not my fault you don't know how dates work." Kaoru said lightly, smiling at how tender the touches were when comforting his reddened hand.

"That's not true!" Hikaru protested. "It's not like I don't know how it works. I had one with Haruhi, don't you remember, and Christ, how hard did I slap you? I'm sorry." His rubbing continued, and Kaoru felt like purring at the extra attention.

"So what did you need me for again?" Kaoru teased.

"Just shut up, damnit." Hikaru gritted his teeth. "You know exactly why. It's just 'cause it wasn't a real date with a real girl."

"What?" Kaoru snorted with laughter. "Didn't we establish already that Haruhi is a girl? Idiot."

"I know!" Hikaru snapped. "She's just – she's not – she's!"

"She's tolerant?" Kaoru piped up with a grin. "I know what you're saying. A real girl wouldn't put up with your sour face and bitter mood when I'm not there with you."

Hikaru blushed. "You don't have to say it like that!"

"And you want me to guide you through one, correct?"

"..."

"Correct?"

"Yes! Damnit, yes, okay!?" Hikaru groaned.

"Alright, so we've been through that. Stop slouching in your seat; only about 1 in 20 girls like it when it looks like you don't give a damn about the date." Kaoru chided easily, patting Hikaru's hand in a small thanks as he took his own back and raising an eyebrow at the aforementioned slouching posture. It took a few seconds, but Hikaru relented, gradually rising from the seat with a pout, his arms still crossed.

"Really?" Kaoru deadpanned. "You're going to give a girl that face when you go on an actual date?"

Hikaru narrowed his eyes.

"That's just scary." Kaoru tutted. "Just relax, won't you? Now I want the face you pull when Tono is on the receiving end of our pranks." After contemplating a little, Kaoru shook his head. "No, that is more one of a look someone gets after a predetermined murder."

Hikaru sighed impatiently.

"Well, definitely don't make that noise unless you want her to slap you." Kaoru put his finger to his lips absentmindedly. Then suddenly, the finger was dropped and he beamed. "I got it! That face when you're planning the pranks. When we're together. Can you manage that for me?"

Hikaru made a disagreeing noise. "...fine." Casting the younger an annoyed look, Hikaru proceeded to ease the muscles in his face with a shaky smile. One that he undoubtedly won't manage in the presence of that girl. Or any girl, for that matter.

Seconds past, then minutes. Three minutes before Hikaru hurriedly snapped out, "what?"

"Make conversation!" Kaoru snapped his fingers. "Ask me something that might interest me. actually, pretend I'm that 'witch', Arisa. What's she most interested in?"

"Me." Hikaru replied with slack.

Kaoru shut his eyes with difficulty. "That's true..."

Hikaru sighed.

"Stop that," Kaoru rebutted. "At least compliment me on my clothing choice, or how pretty my hair looks."

"Your hair looks...soft." Hikaru complied, still slightly agitated nonetheless.

"...Good," Kaoru nodded with satisfaction. "Then after we order our food, ask something personal. Something like...do you have any pets or siblings? Are you enjoying school...what she wants to do in the future?

"Or maybe you can start with something you both like. Ask her what games she plays. What hair products she uses? The newest pop release?" Kaoru counted them all off his fingers, unknowingly acknowledging Hikaru's growing irritation.

"It's really not that hard," Kaoru said comfortingly. "Talk like you're talking to me."

"I am talking to you." Hikaru snapped, and then recoiled at the stern look Kaoru gave him. "How...was school today?"

"Oh, school was just fine, thank you." Kaoru batted his eyelashes. "I spent my day thinking about you, anyway, sempai."

Hikaru suddenly burst out laughing, on and on for a long time period. Gradually, they turned into guffaws, and the hysteric boy was shaking his head while holding his sides out of his permission. "It's – it's always you who makes my stomach hurt so bad," He gasped between breaths. "What the hell, was that?"

"I was playing the part," Kaoru pouted, accusing. "You made me lose character. I'm doing this to help you too! What kind of bastard laughs at a person that's trying to help them?"

"Geez, sorry." Hikaru stifled his grins with complexity. "You make an excellent actor."

"You've seen me as a submissive partner a number of times. You never laugh then," Kaoru pointed out.

"Man, I don't know." Hikaru grinned. "This is different."

"How?"

Hikaru stared at him for a moment's silence. "Because you actually sound gay."

"As opposed to our 'gay' acts?" Kaoru answered with disbelief. "Whatever, this is definitely not the thing a girl and a guy shouldn't be talking about on a date. What do girls talk about anyway?"

"Gossip?" Hikaru supplied helpfully. "Have you noticed the way Tamaki keeps looking at Kyouya?"

Kaoru snorted. "That's only because he's worried about him, stupid."

"I know, but," Hikaru gestured helplessly with his hands. "He's like a freaking puppy dog, following him around, asking him if he's okay. You know, I thought that he'd have snapped into the 'serious' Tamaki by now, but he's really not helping him."

"Hey, now that I think about it, our Kyouya-sempai only raises his voice with him." Kaoru pointed out thoughtfully, calculating something mentally.

"What do you mean?" Hikaru asked with a puzzled face. "Then that really must mean that he annoys him instead."

"You're not thinking," Kaoru flicked his brother on the side of his head. "Kyouya shows most of his actual human emotions with Tono."

"-because no one knows how to push his buttons that quickly but Tamaki."

"Yes, but-"

"And shouldn't that mean that he has a soft spot for everyone else, because he doesn't get angry with them?"

"Nngh," The younger leaned closer, a strand of hair escaping the tuck of his ears and hanging over the side of his face. "You're not getting it. Have you noticed that while Tamaki is the one to 'push' Kyouya's buttons, he's also the one to cheer him up as quickly too?"

A pregnant silence passed by.

"What have we turned into?" Kaoru whined, sighing as his head ducked down.

"Well that's not what really matters." Hikaru nodded, gesturing him to lean in closer. "What seriously matters is that Honey-sempai and Mori-sempai are going to get married. And next thing you know, Kyouya-sempai and idiot tono are going to get married."

"That's horrible," Kaoru countered with a mock concerned face.

"And the bastards might not even invite us."

"Well then, you and I will have our own wedding. Won't we? Darling?"

"Of course honey-buns. Anything for you," Hikaru replied in a sweet voice. "I can just imagine it now – you in our Mother's precious wedding dress, me waiting at the altar with skanks decorating me, and you will never be as proud as you are that moment, because you married king-like material,"

"Wait, why do I have to be the girl?" Kaoru asked in an incredulous voice.

Hikaru just stared at him. "Are you serious?"

"Yeah, we know about the submissive acts in the host club, but that's only for show. Besides, you don't even snore in your sleep! You just roll on your side and sleep like a log, retard."

"Yeah – but," Hikaru spluttered. "You – you don't know if you snore in your sleep either!"

"I do," Kaoru stated smugly. "I recorded myself."

"How do you know it wasn't me?"

"Because I told you, you roll on your side, and you're dead for eight hours."

"...you record yourself?"

Kaoru's smile faltered. "Whatever. You dyed your hair pink first, I dyed mine blue."

"Who cooks for me sometimes?"

"That's only because you suck at it-"

"Who cleans up my mess?"

"Because you have your crap lying everywhere, and the maids don't even want to go near-"

"Who massages me after school?"

"Hey – do you want me to stop them? Because you're seriously asking for it-"

"Who got mistaken for a girl once?" Hikaru rebutted with smugness.

"We agreed to never talk about that, ever again." Kaoru warned. "Are you done now?"

"Kinda."

"Good, because you just accomplished the impossible. You, Hikaru Hitachiin, have survived a thirty good minutes of a date. Although to be honest, I'm not sure if any of this will help anyway." Kaoru shrugged.

Hikaru sighed, the side of his face planted on the table. "Maaaan. I'd much rather go on a date with you."

"Nah, just go kiss her while I'm at home playing game station." Kaoru stuck out his tongue as Hikaru pouted. "I can't keep you all to myself. Not if she had anything to say about it."

"She doesn't." Hikaru huffed. "Alright, so what happens now?"

"Well, you pay for the food."

"I am."

"And then you think, 'was the date good or bad, is she hot or plain ugly, was she cute or downright maddening?' If it's all the former, you've got yourself a great bargain. That's when you either kiss her or dump her. But I'm not saying that you have to kiss anybody on the first-"

Hikaru groaned loudly. "Damnit, fine."

"Hikaru – what – you're not -!" Kaoru made a surprised sound which would have been coherent had it not been for those lips initiated on his own. His stomach felt like lurching, but not kind of lurching – the lurching of something cross-roads between surprise, disbelief, swooning, and the freaking butterflies. His hands twitched helplessly at the side as he panicked. Oh hell...should...should he grab his shoulders or – or hold his hands – what –

The kiss suddenly ended. Both of them stared wide-eyed at each other. After a few seconds, Hikaru broke the silence.

"I'm not doing this date with her." Hikaru rambled quickly.

"I'll call Kyouya," Kaoru grinned triumphantly.

After successfully coaxing the shadow king under submission (don't ask. Let's just say it took lots of brain work, the promise of a brand new sparkling clipboard and a shiny new train set) the annoying Arisa was so scared, she very nearly pooped her pants at just the mention of going on a date with Hikaru. Though it didn't mean that they could really escape the trials. After all, Hikaru could never go on any dates without the surveillance of Tamaki who was following him just as he did on the date with said twin and Haruhi.

The twins could see him now, at the corner of their eyes as he hid behind a post lamp, probably smug about his transparent subtleness. Tamaki was probably ecstatic too, about Hikaru finding a new love interest to distract him from Haruhi. Now if one wonders why he hadn't expected someone else other than Arisa...

"I freaking hate you so much." Kaoru grunted out as he loosened his feminine hold on Hikaru's arm, his extended hair swishing elegantly behind his back.

"Look," Hikaru gasped out in a small, unnoticeable laugh. "That guy just checked you out. Better make your voice higher or you'll start to scare people."

Kaoru glared through the bangs of his wig, his lips still in a cooling sensation from the light pink lipstick. His bra settled uncomfortably on his slate flat chest and the blouse was a bit tight on him. Not to mention the length of the skirt that rendered him dumbstruck, as he unconsciously shifted in discomfort.

Hikaru stifled a loud shout with a painful face as Kaoru pinched him wickedly on his arm.

Kaoru would do just about anything to prove he wouldn't be the wife of the relationship. But he does make a very dashing young lass.

a/n: kill me. i hoped you guys liked that, it was damn fun to write it! anyone got suggestions for E? the more bizarre the idea, the more likely that i am to pick it! ;D