Shinra Inc. And Diets
by: Jason Tandro
Rufus had never been too concerned about his health. Having the best health care plan in the known world put his mind at ease and his fast-paced lifestyle helped him stay in relatively good shape. But after a year of being practically unemployed he found himself having a bit more trouble than usual getting into his clothes. This all came to a head when one morning he was putting on his white trenchcoat and it ripped at the arms, turning his once favorite coat into something that one might wear if they were planning on making their money standing on a corner by a lamppost.
"It's getting ridiculous," Rufus said as he sat at his desk wearing a sweatshirt and track pants. "I didn't use to be fat."
"Well," Reeve said. "You were living on junk food for about a year and you didn't really do much."
"I know," Rufus grunted. "Well I guess I'll just have to do the responsible thing."
Reeve had too much experience with Rufus to guess that his answer would be diet and exercise and so simply asked. "And that is?"
"Liposuction," Rufus replied.
"Ah," Reeve nodded. "So rather than simply use our world-class gymnasium and cut back on your food portions, you want to get dangerous cosmetic surgery."
"I don't have time to be fat. I can't deal with a slow solution," Rufus explained. "I am a person who takes great pride in his appearance."
Reeve looked down at the sweatshirt, which ironically bore the logo for Bro's Gym in Sector 6. He then looked back into Rufus's eyes.
"You're the owner of the largest corporation in the world, and for all intents and purposes the world's executive leader. You are not in crisis," Reeve shrugged. "You're not that bad. You only need to lose around 20 pounds or so. That can be gone in a mere month with some work!"
"Listen to me Reeve, I haven't taken PT since I was in the army training program and I don't want to eat any of that hippie food."
"You don't have to eat 'hippie food', you should just do some portion control. What did you have for dinner last night?" Reeve asked
"Chicken nuggets," Rufus replied.
"You see what I mean? Why on earth would you need to eat that much?"
"Because the first 20 came back up."
"Charming," Reeve rubbed his head. "Look, liposuction will have you out of commission for four days while you recover and afterwards you'll be on a liquids diet for about another week. Do you really want to be stuck with that?"
"Well if the liquids are alcoholic-"
"Okay fine," Rufus sighed. "I don't know why I bother arguing with you. I always end up doing what you say anyways."
"That makes two of us," Reeve replied.
*~SI&~*Shinra Inc And.*~SI&~*
To say that Rufus was out of shape would be unfair. Despite years of leading a sedentary lifestyle he retained some of the vigor and strength of his youth, and still had the power to do many of the exercises performed in the gym on the 64th floor. What he lacked was the willpower.
"Look, I just don't think this is very fun," Rufus whined as he set back a 20 pound weight. "Is this really necessary?"
"Workouts aren't designed to be fun. They're meant to help keep you in shape. Once you do them more and more you might find yourself liking them," Reeve said as he benched a modest 120 pound bar.
Reno was spotting for Reeve and Tseng was spotting for Elena who sat nearby working a 150 pound bar.
"I don't know man. It's not like your job requires you to be in great shape. If you're that worried about it, why not just get liposuction?" Reno asked.
"That's what we're trying to prevent!" Reeve barked.
"I still don't get why," Rufus sighed. "I'm sure it's not that bad. I'll just pay to have them knock me out until I'm all better."
"You have a plan for everything don't you?" Reeve asked.
"If it involves avoiding things that are painful and difficult," Elena grunted, setting her bar down and helping Tseng load fifty more pounds onto the bar.
"Exactly, thank you Elena!" Rufus smirked.
"That wasn't a compliment," Elena groaned as she began pressing the bar again.
"You're pretty strong for such a petite thing," Reno said, nodding impressed at Elena.
"I was about to say the same thing about you," Elena said. "I see you're up to, what is it, 140 pounds?"
Reno rubbed the back of his neck. "I'm... I'm just going for tone, not for bulk."
"Sure thing," said Cissnei as she entered the gym and lifted a 60 pound hand-weight and began lifting.
"Okay then," Reno said, setting down his bar. "I'll show you girls what I'm really made of."
Reno walked over to the weights and began adding several to his bar.
"I still don't like the idea of working out. Can't we just do that other thing? With the less food?" Rufus asked.
"A diet?" Reeve asked.
"Yeah, that thing," Rufus said.
"Well that's a good place to start. Let's go talk portion control," Reeve said, standing up and toweling himself off.
There was a loud clanging and Reno lay pinned to the bench by a massive bar which had more than 300 pounds of weight on it.
"Little help," he whined weakly.
*~SI&~*Shinra Inc And.*~SI&~*
"This is lunch?" Rufus asked staring at his plate.
"That is a tuna sandwich with light mayo on wheat bread and a cup of tomato soup. It's got plenty of vitamins and tastes great," Reeve explained.
"What are these things?" Rufus asked holding up a baby carrot.
"Those are called vegetables. You've had a disturbingly low amount of those in your diet," Reeve said.
He took an experimental bite and grimaced as he swallowed. "They taste like disappointment."
"They're good for you," Reeve groaned. "Here, try this."
Reeve passed Rufus an apple. Rufus took a bite out of it. "Well this definitely tastes better."
"It's fruit. There's nothing wrong with fruit," Reeve grunted.
"You know what tastes better than this apple? Apple pie, with frosting and whipped cream." Rufus said. "Baked apples in caramel and brown sugar topped with a strips of fried dough. Oh man, we should go get one of those!"
"This is our lunch," Reeve insisted. "It tastes perfectly fine."
"It's bland and uninteresting, like you!" Rufus shouted.
"You know what fine, I can't take it anymore. You go get your stupid liposuction and we won't bother you anymore about this!"
*~SI&~*Shinra Inc And.*~SI&~*
Two weeks later Rufus returned to work. Aside from a small scar in his midsection he looked much better and much thinner.
"How are you feeling boss man?" Reno asked.
"Miserable," Rufus groaned. "Reeve, you should have told me what a liquid diet meant!"
"I explained it just fine," Reeve replied.
"Well you know what, I'm ordering a whole turkey for dinner, and I'm going to eat it all in one sitting. That'll teach you to try and get me to diet!"
Rufus stormed out of the office and went downstairs to the cafe.
"He's just a bundle of contradictions isn't he?" Reno sighed.
"I think I should just tell his doctors to put a zipper in his stomach. He'll be back," Reeve sighed.