A/N: Here is something I wrote based on some memories I cannot get out of my head. It will be slightly similar to my story "Regret" as it is also based on my situation, but this one is much more accurate. And I mean much more accurate, I basically just changed the names to protect the identities of all involved.
I will try to write some fluffy Ling x Tianyi oneshots if I have the time and inspiration, since I cannot find many Ling x Tianyi stories and I wish to fix that:)
I never really noticed when it began, when I finally realized it, I had been watching you for months, maybe even years on end. Honestly, I have no idea what it was that drew me to you initially, there most likely is no single reason for my attraction. Your shyness, your beauty, your adorability, your elegance, your fragility… you were like a beautiful flower blooming in someone else's garden that I longed to keep and protect. How could I, when I only knew you by name and you most probably did not know me?
I longed to get closer to you, but I was also afraid to for I feared you would someday say goodbye if I grew too attached to you. I had been hurt enough; I no longer wanted to take the risk of being abandoned like some commonplace, replaceable dog. I wondered, should I approach you, or should I be content watching you from afar? That bothered me, for I had no idea what I should do and I lacked the courage to just take that risk.
Exactly how we became friends I cannot recall, we just did, we somehow managed to hit off pretty well from the start. We were both in the same Co-Curricular Activity (CCA), Chinese Orchestra, which was how I met you in the first place, and it was also how I managed to first approach you. Though we were from different sections, I still managed to see you at practice. I loved watching you, seeing you smile shyly and laugh with embarrassment, it was cute and it took my mind off my troubles.
One day, I was visiting a friend in your section, and I took the chance and approached you. I cannot recall what I said or did exactly; I guess that I probably teased you. It was all that I did in the beginning, it was constant casual teasing, I loved to pull your long dark hair, poke your sides and generally disturb you whenever I could. Occasionally, you would attempt revenge, reversing our roles for a while, you learned that I was extremely ticklish. When we were both made Sectional Leaders, I teased you that you were too shy and told you that you needed to command respect. I bullied you that day and told you that you should try to get my respect, you told me that since I was a Sectional Leader too, we were equals and I did not have to respect you the way your juniors should. You gained my respect anyway, Ling, I never imagined there could be people like you in the world. Sweet and lovely like a beautiful flower; you had no thorns hidden up your sleeves.
During combined practices, the Dizi section sat behind the Zhongruan, so I could freely disturb you to my heart's content. I poked you with my Dizi whenever I could (since my section was rarely called upon to play at times) and you would make a face in response in the midst of laughter; laughing myself, I would simply do it again when you turned around. Your juniors and mine were all greatly amused, laughing along with us, I loved the warm feeling that it gave me. In a dark and cold time for me, your smile gave me the light and heat to thaw a little and move forward.
Sometimes, you would edge your chair forward discreetly, frightened of attracting attention to yourself, much to my amusement. I would teasingly and cheerfully inform you, "Move all you like. Wo you gen chang de Dizi!" (I have Dizi that are even longer!) You would immediately laugh and looked annoyed, sometimes stomping your feet like a child as I showed you the array of Dizi at my disposal. My junior had the longest one, it was too wide and the holes too spaced out for my small hands to grip properly, but it would serve well for catching you if you escaped too far. Your juniors were exceptionally amused by that, one of the twins in your section started greeting me outside of practices simple because she remembered me for teasing you. Laughing, you would protest, especially when my juniors joined in the fun and started poking their friends in your section or helping me poke you.
I will always remember you doing that, laughing. Even when you were embarrassed, angry, annoyed, nervous, you were always laughing. When I teased you, you laughed as you told me to stop, covering your mouth with one hand like a refined, elegant lady would. It was hard to take you seriously when you were always laughing and I always feared pushing you too far, but since I loved hearing your laughter, I always doubled my efforts each time you protested.
I remember that, once, you tried to organize an outing for the cold and quiet Tanbo to bond, but no one wanted to show up so you decided to include the Erhu and Guanyue sections. No one in Erhu wanted to come, not that I was surprised, and my juniors did not either, so I told you that Guanyue would step out as well. I was not interested in going alone and standing there awkwardly amongst your sectionmates, so I wanted to leave you to it. You panicked, telling me that barely anyone wanted to attend, and you asked me to show up. I said no at first, but I eventually gave in to you (honestly, I had intended to do that from the start, I just wanted to play with you), and I will never regret that decision.
We went ice skating in the fairly new ice skating rink nearby, there were only five of us, and I was the only one from my section. Of the group, only you and your close friend lacked the ability to ice skate, one of us was taking lessons while the other and I had roller-skated since we were young and could transform that skill to skill on the ice. I took your hand and guided you that day, teasing you and trying to pry you off the wall when we first started. You stuck to it like a barnacle to a rock, were you afraid?
I recall that you were in a rather skimpy outfit for ice skating that day, what you wore bared one of your shoulders, and I laughingly pointed out to you that your bra strap was showing multiple times. You blushed and laughed, shifting your singlet to hide it, but it was not willing to stay hidden at all and made multiple reappearances. I also managed to get you away from the wall in time and I stood between you and it, refusing to let you go back to it regardless. I offered you an arm as support when you needed it and held your hand, doing as much as I could to prevent you from latching yourself back. I helped your friend sometimes, not wanting to seem too clingy by sticking to you all day, but I always ended up seeking you again when I could as I simply lacked the willpower to resist you.
When the day had progressed and you seemed a little steadier on your skates, I teased you, "Wo ke yi fang shou le ma?" Can I let go? You refused to let me, panicking, I loved being so close to you and holding on to you. My chest was warm as I watched you slowly get the hang of ice skating, still relying on me; it made me happy that I was able to help you that day. It is a nice feeling, helping someone, and you gave me the chance to enjoy it.
I was reluctant to leave that night; I had had a great time with you and wanted to stay by your side. I gave you a hug on the train when I said goodbye, making your sectionmates laugh as I got off cheerfully, a warm fluttering in my otherwise hollow chest. You had made me happy and showed me that I had things left to live for, you saw the wounds on my wrist and worried for me; when I had bitterly stated I would simply die if I cut too deep, you told me "Bu yao,wo hui xiang ni de." (Don't, I'll miss you). Those words saved my life that day, Ling; you saved my life that day. I had desperately desired to hear such simple words for so long, and you let me hear them at last so easily and honestly. You told me you would be mine as long as I needed you, that I did not have to be alone any longer.
It was also that day that I realized my feelings for you were… not exactly only friendly. In denial, I suffered greatly inside, refusing to believe that I was in love with a girl. Coming from a Christian family, the thought of liking a girl was far more terrifying to me than it should have been. I told myself that I had loved a boy for so long, for four or five years, so I could not suddenly like girls! Then, I remembered all those little crushes I had on girls before, and I began warring with myself deep down. When I began to forget about him and no longer feel the pain of missing him, I realized that you had really taken his place in my heart completely. Little things about you intoxicated me; I absolutely adored your scent and your hair, your laugh and your smile, your eyes and your warmth, your adorable character and your sweet voice… I had fallen, hard, for a girl. A girl, which I was too.
I began hugging you more often and you always got flustered about it, were you afraid that people would get the wrong idea about us if I was holding you all the time? I spent breaks in your class hugging you, helping you with your work, talking to you… When you asked me for help in Biology, I told you, "You know you are asking a Literature student, don't you?" Looking at the paper, I smiled as I informed you, "By the way, this is the answer." I love Biology and have studied parts of it by myself, so I could help you on occasion. Sometimes, I tested you on the things you had to remember for a Biology test later; I guided you in Social Studies and was surprised to find out how innocent you were. You rarely thought of ulterior motives and when I began explaining them to you, you asked me if a person would ever be like that. I laughed, teasing you for it, though I honestly never wanted you to change and be corrupted by the outside world.
One night, I asked you what you thought about same-sex relationships, and I was relieved to find out that you were not against them. I wanted to confess to you, knowing that I had no chance with you, because I wanted you to acknowledge the existence of my feelings. I wanted you to know that I would be clingy at times, that I might be overprotective, I wanted you to understand why I would act that way before I did, hoping that once I did, you would forgive me and tell me to come off it if I went too far because you knew the reason. That way, we could stay friends as my weird behavior was already explained, so it could not come between us.
I took you out to watch a movie, "Life of Pi", a few weeks after the ice skating outing. It was just the two of us, and I was happy to be with you and talk to you about random things. I remember that you told me I had a personality like Erza Scarlet from Fairy Tail's, and that I should give cosplaying her a shot. I adore and admire Erza, she is my favorite character from Fairy Tail after all, so I was grateful and happy that you thought so. I asked you who your favorite character was, and you replied, "Happy." It is quite like you, Ling, to pick the flying blue cat over all the other characters, you are so cute that way.
Fully knowing I would be rejected and prepared for the pain, I confessed to you; everything went downhill from there. I wanted to give you gifts but you never accepted them, did you feel awkward or guilty about taking them? I just wanted to let you know I cared, I longed to make you feel loved, but I ended up scaring you instead. I am still very sorry for it, Ling; if I had gotten my friends gifts as well, would you have seen that present as one of those little tokens straight girls get for one another on Valentine's Day?
I continued holding you like before even as our friendship fell to pieces around me; I pretended I could not practically hear you thinking "please go away" whenever I touched you. Your juniors continued smiling and laughing at my antics, but you were no longer laughing with them. I continued teasing you, toying with your long, dark hair during breaks in practice, but it was a short-lived and tense period of time. Before we were supposed to interview the future Executive Committee (EXCO) of the Orchestra, we were no longer talking.
You had only been mine for three months, Ling, but those three months were enough for my love to grow from a puppy-like one into a fierce, blazing adult's love, affection and lust combined together to create an agonizing flame. I dreamed of you at night and longed for your touch, your warmth, your scent, your taste… I hated, despised, myself for feeling that way, for desiring something so unclean from a girl as innocent and pure as you. Again, I began sinking into a terrible darkness, pining for you.
I kept laughing and smiling, getting hot-and-cold reactions from you, but you still did not talk to me. You tolerated me holding you as if I were some bothersome insect, that was all. You did not look at me, did not speak to nor acknowledge me. It hurt, Ling… it tore me apart inside…
I made a decision to speak with you to gain an answer of some sort from you. I sent you messages and a handwritten letter you never responded to, probably never even looked at. When I waited like a dog for you on the floor outside the AVA Room where you were having Biology lessons, I hoped to be able to finally get an answer. You came out, saw me waiting there, and you fled. I quickly gave chase, and you tried to lose me by walking into the maze of apartment blocks. I was almost thrown off the scent but found you in the end as I decided to head to the bus stop that was your destination, and saw you hurriedly making your way to it.
Choked with emotion, I could not talk to you, and I chose that day to finish everything by myself. I asked for my hair to be cut short, picking a cool-looking male hairstyle from the many cosplay pictures I found. As my long gray hair was cut, layer by layer, I felt a flash of panic and regret, wanting to stop it before it went on any further.
However, I thought of you, gripped some of the fallen locks of my pale gray hair and whispered, "Goodbye, Ling". That gave me the strength I needed to continue watching all my hair litter the floor, a pile of pale gray. Jokingly, the hairdresser asked me if I had been dumped, I gave her a smile and said nothing save to assure her that I would not regret the change in hairstyle.
The next day was Sports' Day, and then we would have a break for the holidays. When I showed up in that hot stadium, no one could believe that I had made such a drastic hairstyle change overnight. Some of my friends reacted dramatically, crying "Your hair, your beautiful hair!", while others asked "Did you cut your hair?" With a smile, I had told them, "No, I ate it." One of your other closer friends just took one look at me, widened her eyes and asked, "Tianyi? Seriously?" I had nodded, what else was I to say with you right there next to her? I fled.
From that day onward, I began to slowly drift away from my friends. When the holidays came to an end, I was still capable of talking to them without feeling awkward, but a few weeks later I no longer could. My "daddy" no longer talked to me or looked at me, my "mommy" seemed to have forgotten my existence, my two cosplay buddies no longer bugged me, and I did not bother going over to them. Staying alone, I wondered what in the world had changed. Why did I not feel comfortable around them anymore? Had they changed, or did I?
I lost sleep nearly every night thinking of you, Ling; at one or two in the morning, I gazed up at the ceiling as the lights from the streets and buildings invaded my room, missing you. My health took a turn for the worse, and I fell prey to various illnesses that left symptoms which ravaged me for weeks. Nausea, headaches and dizziness plagued me, and no matter how much sleep I managed to get, I still felt exhausted when I woke up. It was a soul-deep exhaustion, as if I was tired of living in itself. Dreaming of you… it broke me at night as your actions broke me in the mornings; even in my dreams, the tension and awkwardness was still palpable between us. I, who loves you, cannot even gaze upon your sweet beauty in a dream, how cruel can the world be?
I sob my heart out at night, crying out your name as I curl up in a tight ball on my bed, pressing my knees to my chest in a frantic attempt to fill the terrible hole that exists there. It feels as if my heart has been replaced by a black hole that causes me agony as long as it is present; my heartache plagues me every single second of every day no matter how cheerful I look and sound. I am desperate for the warmth of a body against my own, desperate for your warmth, Ling, but I know that I cannot have it.
For the sake of your happiness, I have to leave you alone. You are smiling without me, happily spending time with your friends like Qingxian, teasing and being teased, joking and talking. It pains me to see that once again, I have been abandoned and replaced; once again, I am the dog that is thrown in the shelter as a new puppy is taking my place. However, you are happy, and I cannot bring myself to affect the happiness that you have found, that you deserve. Hence, I will try my best to disappear from your life, no matter how much it kills me to continue living without you.
My dark haired beauty, I still feel warm and happy when I see you laughing with your friends, though the jealousy, loneliness and heartache I feel is much worse. Strangely, though, the loneliness that I had loathed and feared most is not as painful as it was before; am I growing numb to this emotion? Have I finally decided that for a weak human such as myself, it is best to be alone? Is my heart turning to stone? I have no warmth left in me, the cold has chilled me to the bone, it is no wonder that my heart is growing unfeeling, is it not?
Yuezheng Ling, I love you. You are the most beautiful and amazing person in the world, kind and innocent, though you are admittedly rather naïve. You may find it and your shyness a shortcoming, but it makes you unique and it makes you so much more beautiful than any other girl. In this corrupted world, it is easy to become tainted with darkness just like me, but it is nearly impossible to stay as pure and as white as you are, Ling. You are absolutely dazzling just the way you are, your character is endearing, and I am sure you will find someone you will be happy together with, someone you can share your life with in the future.
Now, I keep pushing forward, but there's nothing to fight for. In my hands is no future, behind me there are no bygones I can salvage, around me there is no today. Yet, I still keep forging onward with wounds all over my body and a hole deep in my chest, how stupid can I get? I keep getting up again; ready to fight one more round, but my strength is slowly ebbing away. Injured and alone in my shattered world, nothing remains in this dank, dark hole but my fervent love for you, Ling… But I will never let you know this; I will continuously hide this in whatever remains of my heart, watching you move forward.
If I do not wake again by my own hand, I hope that you will not mourn me. It is not your fault but my own, for it is my own selfish decision to finish everything. You will have no reason to mourn me, will you, Ling? For it is hard to grieve for a stranger, is it not? And that is who we are now, strangers who only know one another's names. If I do pass on by my own hand, please move strongly forward, Ling. Goodbyes have been said long ago, there are no regrets to be had, so release my memory to the wind and live your life to the fullest. Everything that I remember, everything that we have done together, burn it all along with my body and set yourself free, my sweet beauty. You do not need me; you do not need me…
All those smiles and hugs and laughs we shared, they are nothing to you now, aren't they? I watch you smile in school whenever I can, I watch the sunlight dance in your dark hair, it seems that you are even happier than you were before without me in your life… It pains me to see that you are perfectly fine without me when I can barely survive without you, but I suppose that is part of life. Now, I shall just pretend to be okay and keep everyone at arm's length, I shall be the dog who refuses to trust in humankind any longer, the dog that will spend the rest of its pathetic life alone.
Shall I say farewell, my sweet Ling? Shall I tell you "Goodbye, we will never meet again" and descend into Hell where sinful souls like my own belong? It will be a great relief to me, leaving this terrible world, so I should just do it, shouldn't I? I have been told to think about my own happiness for once, so I should let this be the first and the last time that I be selfish and end my own life, no?
A/N: Thank you for reading. Please leave a review if you have any comments, and for those waiting for New Life's update, worry not, it is in progress. I am just trying to fill it out and add more fun to it.