Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
A/N: The fact that both this, and the other drabble I posted both start with song lyrics is completely coincidental. This is not some sort of IPod shuffle (because even if it were, neither of those songs are on my IPod) this is just me going where my mind takes me.
My mind is weird.
Just a quick FYI... I'm going to continue to post most of these as Jasper/Bella, though they could easily be considered more like ensemble pieces, mainly because, at heart they ARE Jasper/Bella stories and I'm concerned I'm going to be misleading people if I list them as anything but.
"Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me, don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me..."
Peter and Jasper stared in wide-eyed horror at the atrocity that was currently taking place in the living room.
"What the hell is going on here?!" Peter said in a tone of voice that definitely did not sound like he was shrieking, (he totally was) as Jasper blinked slowly, unsure if he wanted to laugh or cry at the sight of Emmett in full drag complete with a dress, heels and a wig.
How does that even fit? he marveled as he eyed the hot pink spandex stretched over Emmett's massive shoulders. He was tempted to ask Peter to spit in his eyes in hope that it would render him blind.
"Cut!" Rose yelled impatiently, signalling to Charlotte to turn of the music.
"You ruined our shot," Bella groused, lowering the small handheld camera she had pointed at Emmett.
"Why are you doing this?" Peter managed to ask calmly before turning to Emmett and practically caterwauling, "Why are you doing this?!"
"Ask them," Emmett huffed angrily, flicking a piece of long strawberry blonde hair out of his eyes. Jasper felt the beginnings of hysterical laughter bubbling up his throat as he caught sight of Emmett's painted face.
Despite having three beautiful women with a hundred plus years of beauty tips between them, his makeup wasn't expertly done, but garish, like a clown instead. He looked like a five dollar hooker... and not a very attractive one at that.
He saw Peter give him a once over.
"Dude, no offense, but even I wouldn't do you."
"As if I'd touch you," Emmett sniffed, turning his nose up with what Jasper could easily sense was very real indignation. Which meant he actually thought he looked good.
I've officially gone crazy, Jasper decided. A hundred and seventy years of living has finally caught up with me. A relieved smile spread across his face as he firmly convinced himself that this was nothing more than a hallucination formed by his fractured psyche.
"So how'd this come about exactly?" he said distantly, the same stupid smile on his face unnerving the living room occupants.
"Is he okay?" he heard Rose whisper.
"I think he thinks he's dreaming," Bella replied bemusedly. "Well, sorry to disappoint you Jas, but you aren't dreaming and simply put, he's being punished. I think we all know what for."
"Wait... does this have to do with..."
"The prank that almost cost the three of us our hair?" Rose finished sharply, patting her (thankfully) still intact blond hair self-consciously.
"I'm sure that's not what he was aiming for," Peter said, laughing uneasily.
"We probably should give him credit," Bella mused. "That prank was pretty impressive."
"Epic," Charlotte agreed.
"I always knew my man was a criminal mastermind," Rose chimed in, her anger over her near miss seemingly forgotten. "Because, seriously, it would have taken a genius to execute it as perfectly as he did."
"You're lucky," Charlotte sighed wistfully. "Peter completely lacks imagination. Sadly it translates to the bedroom as well."
"What!?" Peter exploded. "I rock your goddamn world in the bedroom, while this ugly bitch," he sneered, pointing at Emmett, "thinks the Kama Sutra is a freaking Starbucks coffee. He only wishes he could pull off a prank that awesome."
"You mean like you did?" Charlotte asked, blinking her eyelashes innocently.
Don't do it, Peter, Jasper mentally screamed.
"You bet your ass," Peter boasted arrogantly, puffing his chest with pride.
Jasper groaned as he splayed his hand over his face. "You're a dumbass, Pete."
Peter's proud look melted into confusion. "What do you mean?"
"It means, my sweet sucker of a mate," Charlotte said, smirking wickedly, "that you've just been hoisted with your own Peter-d." She laughed gaily at her own little twist to that quote.
"I told you I didn't do it!" Emmett bleated, snatching the blond wig off his head and tossing it at his feet.
"I'm sorry," Rose cooed, going to her mate's side and running a hand down his face, giggling when it smeared his makeup. "But we had to be sure."
Emmett frowned. "You set me up?" When Rose nodded guiltily, his stoic features broke into a wide smile (which, with the smeared red lipstick made him look like the joker). "You got me good, babe. I knew there was a reason I loved you." He paused. "I do look good in a dress though, right?"
"Of course you do," Rose lied, patting his cheek. Emmett shot Peter a triumphant 'I told you so' look as she bent down and picked up the wig at his feet and wiggled it at Charlotte.
"What do you think, Char? Think Peter can pull this off?"
"I have always wondered what he'd look like as a blonde," Charlotte admitted, grinning widely.
Peter began backing away, fear etched into his face as Jasper inched towards the exit.
I am invisible, he chanted mentally, drawing closer and closer to freedom. Nobody here but us paintings, he thought, clinging tightly to the wall.
"He was in on it too," Peter whined, pointing an accusing finger at Jasper.
So close, Jasper thought morosely, gazing longingly at the foyer just inches away. He turned his head to glare at Peter. "Et tu, Brute?" he spat, cowering away from the three vindictive sets of eyes that swiveled towards him, the sparkling golds and ruby each promising their own form of pain.
"I was coerced unwilling?" he protested weakly.
"My own mate," Bella sniffled. She bent down to riffle through a large cardboard box at her feet, her lips curling into an evil grin as she found what she was looking for and stood.
"Oh, Jas," she cooed, holding up the sparkling emerald cocktail dress. "I always told you green was your color."
A/N2: So, what was the prank exactly? I'm not really sure, but I'm guessing it involved flame throwers.