Don't Own A Thing.
"If I Fall"
When I Get Close To Something Beautiful
Then I Feel Low Because I Know
I'll Never Have It For Too Long
Jackson Teller hadn't had what one might call a normal life, but to him... it was all he knew. Growing up in Charming, losing his father and having Clay step in, always being around the MC and just moving up the ladder to get to where he was now. The life was what he knew. The girls, the guns, the shop, the boys, everything. That was his life.
It had kept him from a lot of things in his life, he knew that. He knew it always would on some things. Sometimes it didn't matter, other times it cut a little deeper.
Now that Tara was back in town... and that he had a child on the way... it seemed to strike more than usual.
Tara was the love of his life, he knew that. Hell, most anyone knew that. Maybe not Tara herself or if she did she probably wanted to ignore it, but it was still the truth. He'd been a teenager at their brightest time and she'd been his everything. She almost got him out of this life even, if he hadn't been so stupid back then. There's no telling who or what he would be if he'd gone. Look at Tara, she'd done pretty damn well for herself.
He'd always known his life would have been different if he had taken off with her. As the years went on it'd kind of become more of a distant memory and set of thoughts but they always remained. In the earlier days, the first few years he lived with it always on his mind in any free time he got... but since then it'd all tapered off but every once in awhile they'd still come slamming into him.
He thought about them together when they were younger, how happy she had made him, how different he wanted to be for her. He thought about all the what if's of if he had gone. What their life would be like, how he'd have made her dreams come true with him, the family he knew they'd have to have by now. He thought of all the things he'd be doing instead of living the life of a member of SAMCRO.
Then, she had to show back up. And throw him the fuck off balance.
Not only that, but then you tangle her up with her being a huge part of his son's medical team.
His son, his very ill son. That thanks to his junkie bitch of an ex-wife.
He was already scared to death about becoming a father. He was scared but excited, he was happy he was going to have a son, that he was going to be a father for the first time. He was scared for all the first time daddy reasons, but then throw in the life he led and how every good thing he'd had in his life got majorly fucked up... he was shaking in his boots at it all.
Then the shit happened with Wendy and he got to the hospital and Tara told him the grave news of his son's problems with his heart and tear and having 20% chance to live and he felt his heart breaking into a million pieces.
This was his kid for fuck's sake. It was her child too so how could Wendy be so Goddamn stupid? He was no perfect angel, he was well aware of that, but this was just bullshit.
Jax didn't know how to take it. He didn't know how to deal with a sick kid, with hearing this news. He didn't know how to handle Wendy's bitch ass just a few feet away. He didn't know how to handle his mother, Clay and the boys. He didn't know how to handle it being Tara in front of him and telling him. He didn't know how to handle having the thought repeat in his head of how this shit wouldn't have happened if he'd just gone with her all those years ago.
Overwhelmed, he just had to get out of there and go punch someone in the face. And he had an idea of who. That's something he knew to do. That was something he would have a handle on.
20% survival was the odds at best. Jax had no idea what he would do if that little boy didn't make it.
Even later, when he and Tara had a moment... when he got a little hope when hearing Able was doing good and they hugged in the hallway... even that was ruined by the bloody mess that he was from the life.
How the hell was he going to be a good father?