Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
A/N: I think I may surprise you all with this one, especially considering how much I've made it clear that I can't stand Edward in pretty much every story I've written.
This is incredibly A/U (you'll see why in the end) and you're free to fill in the blanks for their back story as you please.
P.S- For the sake of certain events, I've messed slightly with the vamps physiology. While they still have all the perks (can't decide if sparkling is included in that) and most of the drawbacks, they aren't so tough that you'd break your hand (or whatever) hitting them. They're more pliable for lack of a better word.
"Hey baby, didn't I see you in a porn movie?"
From her shadowy booth in the corner, Bella watched as Edward's three hundred dollar shirt was saturated in what had once been in the woman's glass. Judging by the earthy scent that tickled her sensitive nose, she was going to guess it was wine.
That's never going to come out, she thought blandly as he frantically scrubbed at the soiled gray fabric with a napkin from the bar.
Turning to her mate, she smiled at the boyish grin that lit up his handsome features and finally let a laugh escape her lips at Edward's misfortune, though it was more out of pity than humor.
"Tell me again why he let Peter give him some pointers on how to pick up women."
"Damned if I know," Jasper replied, swirling around an untouched glass of whiskey. "Peter's managed to convince him that he's some sort of Lothario with the ladies."
Bella snorted. "Oh yes, with lines like that, I can see how they'd fall at Peter's feet."
"Got him Char, didn't it?"
"I'm pretty sure persistence got him Char. Nothing says I love you quite like wearing a woman down."
Jasper smirked, bringing the glass up to his nose and inhaling the scent of the amber liquid, which was as close as he'd ever get to drinking it again. "I think him and Emmett have some sort of bet going on for how many terrible lines they can get Edward to willingly say."
"Is this how we're going to spend the rest of our visit? Sitting in bars and watching Edward try to hit on women?"
This isn't exactly what she had in mind when she agreed to come visit Jasper's second pseudo family. Though she supposed it was better than sitting around all night and sharing decorating tips with Esme. As nice as she was, there was only so many times you could hear the name 'Martha Stewart' mentioned in a conversation before you wanted to rip your own ears off. It was made even more tempting by the fact that she now that she had the strength to do so.
She eyed Emmett and Rose who were lost in their own little world, dancing as close as their bodies would allow and completely ignoring their brother by proxy. At least those two were great.
"Oh, that's definitely what we'll be doing." Peter sliding into the booth beside her drew her back into the conversation. "You'll come to learn that messing with Eddie boy is the highlight of these visits."
Bella rolled her eyes. She supposed it could be worse.
After all, they all couldn't be as bad as that line...
"Are you a witch? Cause I want you to ride my broomstick."
The, what he thought was probably suave (but was really borderline date rapist), look on Edward's face turned into pain as he was kneed firmly in the crotch by the disgusted looking woman he had just tried that line on.
"There's what I think of your broomstick, you perv," she spat, turning on her heel and stalking away.
"What would possess him to even use that line?" Bella wondered out loud, cringing in sympathy as Edward made a brave effort not to grab his crotch and scream like a banshee. Even from this distance she could see the venom welling up in his eyes and had to grudgingly admire him for how utterly poised he remained despite the situation.
"Oh," Peter replied nonchalantly, "I told him that little gem helped Jasper land you."
Bella's golden eyes sparkled wickedly. "I think Jas would have ended up in the same state if he tried that line on me."
"Don't be so sure," Peter countered, smirking. "I was there the night he met you. You were ready to go home with him the second he opened his mouth."
"We-el, it is a pretty mouth," she agreed, giggling when Jasper began nibbling on her earlobe.
"So, what do you say, Bella?" Jasper breathed against her ear. "Wanna ride my broomstick?"
"Are you a virus baby? Cause you're giving me a fever."
"Excuse me? Who told you I was diseased? I bet it was that prick, Johnny. For the record he gave me crabs, not the other way around." A sultry look suddenly stole over her face. "But if you're still interested handsome, I ... hey! Where are you going!"
"Are you trash? Cause I wanna take you out."
Tears welled up in the baby blue eyes of the woman across from him as her lower lip wobbled. "You think I look trashy?!" she wailed, rushing off in the direction of the ladies room.
Her pissed off friend got right up in Edward's shocked face and poked his shoulder roughly. "Thanks a lot asswipe! Her boyfriend just dumped her and this is the first time in a month that I could convince her to come out," she spat. "Go eat a dick!" she yelled over her shoulder as she took off after her friend, sneering at a group of laughing people as she ran by their table.
Why do only the assholes have such pretty gold eyes?
"I hope you have good balance, cause you'll be riding bareback all night."
Bella's eyes narrowed. "My, does that ever sound like a cowboy pickup line if I've ever heard one." She turned to her innocent looking mate. "You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you cowboy?"
"You know what they say, darlin'," he said as he watched Edward's latest attempt flounce away. "Save a horse, ride a cowboy."
"Hey sweetheart, there's a little chapel around the corner and a marriage certificate with our names on it. What do you say?"
All seven vampires winced when the girl let out an ear piercing shriek.
"OMIGOD! Yes, yes! I will marry you!" She threw herself at Edward and latched onto him like those weird creatures in that Zelda video game Peter was always playing. "I'm getting married everyone!" she hollered, drawing the attention of every single other patron in the bar who, instead of offering congratulations, stared like they were watching two warthogs mating. "My sister always said I'd be the last to get married, but who's laughing now, Carol!" she cackled.
Peter and Jasper pounded the table, howling with laughter (and putting it in serious danger of cracking right down the middle – which had already happened once since this debacle started) while Emmett stealthily made his way towards the jukebox in the corner.
As Edward unsuccessfully attempted to peel the girl off, the beginning chords of 'White Wedding' sliced through the air causing those who hadn't gone back to their drinks to titter loudly.
"Help me," Edward moaned pitifully, his cry for salvation muffled in the enormously enhanced mounds of flesh that were shoved in his face.
Was it possible for a vampire to suffocate?
Bella watched as Edward geared himself up to deliver the latest line, running a shaky hand through his hair. She could tell he was petrified and probably second guessing himself (finally!) and could easily understand why. So far he had been slapped, punched, kicked, kneed in the crotch, spit on, pepper sprayed, had a bottle broken over his head, a gun pulled on him (that was a fun night), the windshield of his 80,000 dollar car completely destroyed and his pants set on fire by a woman who decided that alcohol and a lighter were a good date deterrent.
He had been kicked out of and banned from every bar he went to, and by association them as well, in the last two weeks (five in total) and now this was the only bar they hadn't hit, not to mention the only bar in town he was still allowed in. Bella had the feeling his reputation preceded him though, because the bouncer gave him the stink eye before letting him in.
Though the two hadn't seen eye to eye since she got here (he thought she was a little too outspoken for her own good and she thought he was uptight) and he managed to annoy the ever loving piss out of her whenever he opened his mouth, she was starting to feel sorry for the poor guy.
Pushing out of the booth and ignoring Jasper's questioning stare and Peter's protests, she intercepted Edward before he got to the agreed upon target for the night (who was chosen specifically when, to their shock, they realized that she was a vampire – and a vegetarian to boot), grabbing his arm and pulling him roughly towards a dimly lit corner.
The five vampires crowded in the booth watched as Bella whispered something to Edward, her face stern and her body tense, but were unable to make out exactly what she was saying over the booming bass of the music on the dance floor behind them.
"What did you say to him?" Jasper asked first as she slid back in beside him.
She smiled slightly. "I taught him a real pick up line. One that has almost a hundred percent success rate."
The five turned back to the corner where Edward still stood, no doubt giving himself a little pep talk. He shot Bella an unsure look, which she returned with a little thumbs up causing the barest hint of a smile to grace his thin lips.
"Which one is that? And why have I never heard of it?" Peter asked without turning to face her, his gaze still on Edward as he slowly made his way towards the bar and the petite female sitting at the end nearest to their table.
Bella turned to Jasper and gave him a lopsided smile. "The same one you used on me. The real one that grabbed my attention and never let it go."
Jasper's dark brows furrowed. "But that wasn't –"
Bella brought one slender finger up to her lips in a shushing motion and then used that same one to push on Jasper's chin until he was facing the bar again. "Just watch."
The five leaned forward in anticipation. Bella had been the only one who hadn't participated in their little game thus far and they were eager to see what ridiculous line she had fed him.
"Hi, I'm Edward."
The five of them, minus Bella, frowned in disappointment, but continued watching as she looked up at Edward, a a slow beaming smile curling the young woman's lips and he felt his own answering in return.
"You kept me waiting long enough."
"That's all it takes?!"
A/N2: I know... I can't believe it either. Not only did I write Edward in a sympathetic light, but I threw Alice in there at the end too. And she wasn't a bitch! For those who have bomb shelters, I suggest you head to them now, because it clearly is the end of the world.
I'll be honest, a part of me has been itching to write them nice-ish (baby steps people) for a while and this is just me testing the water. The Alice reveal was added as a last minute decision and I decided to stick with it. I'm actually kinda happy I did, I rather like the shock at the end there, however cheesy it may be.