A/N Hey! So this is chapter 1 of the rebooted version as it is saved in my files as, LOL. Thank you again to Silque for doing this for me. I will be keeping my original A/N's, I think. I kind of liked them. What to do you think? You want new ones? So, happy reading!
For a really long time this idea has been stuck in my head and tonight I just had to get it out. When I read the Saga one thing always annoyed me… Well, aside from the kiss in Eclipse, and that was that in New Moon, the only way Bella could function after Edward left was with another guy. I don't know about you, but when I'm down and depressed I go to my friends, not find another man to cling to.
So, in my head, Bella didn't lie down on that forest floor after begging him to stay, she got angry and walked her ass out of that forest and it was her friends who helped her move on.
In this story Bella will finally have some back bone, some fun and some freakin' attitude. No I guess you won't always like her, but I hope you'll understand why she'll build those walls and I hope you'll like my version of who Bella could be with a little help from her friends.
"Come and take a walk with me," Edward murmured as I closed my truck door behind me.
A walk? I thought with trepidation. While I knew we needed to clear the air, I was nervous about getting everything out in the open.
Three days had passed since my birthday party at the Cullen's house. Three long days since I had sliced my fingertip on the present that Carlisle and Esme had given me, causing Jasper's instincts to override him and attack me. Three days since Edward had knocked me into the table whilst trying to protect me. And three days since anything had been right between us.
Edward was... different. Cold. Did he yell or ignore me? No. He was just distant, and not himself. He didn't come over when he said he would, something he'd never done before. When he was over he seemed to crave Charlie's company more than ever, and when we were at school he was like a ghost; there, but not a part of anything.
Yes, talking would be good. I had wanted to talk to Alice but she hadn't been in school and I guessed that she was spending time with Jasper. I just hoped that they weren't too angry with me over what had happened.
Why did I have to be so damn clumsy? I thought as we made our way into the woods, Edward walking slightly in front of me and avoiding my gaze. If it were anyone else the party would have gone off without a hitch, but no, not me. I seemed to curse everything.
Why couldn't I just be perfect like him? Like Alice and Rosalie? I only hoped that if Edward ever changed his mind about changing me then I would finally stop being such a mess, and finally be the girl I wanted to be for him; beautiful and graceful and not such a pain.
We had only just reached the trail when Edward came to a stop. Some walk, I thought as the nerves threatened to get the better of me. No, I shook myself mentally; we had to have this talk. We needed this talk and then we could try and get things back to normal between us.
"So let's talk," I breathed knowing he would hear me.
His gaze seemed glued to the trees behind me as he spoke. "Bella, we have to leave Forks."
I felt my heart sink at his words as I made plans in my mind. What was I going to say to Charlie? How could I convince him to let me go? Maybe if I said that I was missing Renee and then take it from there. Maybe the Cullen's already had a plan in place; one that Alice would approve of and knew would go well. I didn't want the Cullen's getting in trouble with the F.B.I because of me.
"Okay," I nodded shakily. "I just need to think of something to say to Charlie. He won't take it well," I shrugged as I bit my lip. He remained silent, and it occurred to me that maybe some of the others wouldn't be joining us, and it was upsetting him. Before I put my foot in it, I decided to be sure. "When you say we?" I asked carefully.
"I mean my family and myself."
My heart stopped. What was he saying? He couldn't mean... No. I was being silly; of course he didn't mean that.
"What are you saying, Edward?" I asked quietly.
"I am leaving, Bella."
I felt my head spin as his words, words I had always feared, hit me. He was leaving. He was leaving me.
"You promised," I breathed. "You promised you would never leave me."
"As long as it was what was best for you," he pointed out.
"So this is about what happened with Jasper? It was an accident, Edward! It won't happen again, we just have to be more careful." I tried to keep the desperation out of my voice but it slipped in regardless.
"Bella, it will happen again," he argued quietly. "It's what I always expected would happen. I'm not good for you, Bella."
His words hit me and I remembered my conversation with Carlisle about how Edward felt about his soul, or the lack of one in his opinion.
"Is this about my soul, Edward?" I demanded in disbelief. "You know I don't believe that. Besides, you already have mine. It's yours," I added, trying to get him to see what he meant to me. That a man like him who was so lovely and so kind could never have lost his soul.
"This isn't about your soul, Bella," he said forcefully and I flinched. How could a voice that was so harsh still sound like velvet?
"Then what is it about?" I demanded.
"I just don't want you to come," he gritted out.
The words could have been spoken in Latin and I would have had a better chance in understanding them. He didn't want me to come? He didn't want me with him? He just didn't want me?
"You don't want me?" I asked, speaking the question aloud, and ruling it out already as stupid. Edward loved me.
It was then that he looked into my eyes. The once warm, loving topaz that haunted my dreams were cold and distant and I didn't recognize them. I remembered the look in his eyes three days ago as we watched Romeo and Juliet; they were so warm and so full of love and life. What had happened to change that?
His answer told me everything.
"No," he replied coolly, firmly and whatever confidence I had, whatever hope I had, vanished.
This is why he had been so distant. This is why he hadn't come to me in the night, why he wasn't even really there with me in the day. He didn't want me. Whatever had once pulled Edward towards me had gone in the moment when he had fought his own brother for me. He didn't want me, a human, around his family anymore, causing tension and rifts to build.
He just didn't want me.
"That changes things," I muttered feeling a lump in my throat and my eyes burn. I was surprised that the tears I felt in my heart, my soul, didn't appear, but I was in too much shock. Nothing felt right or real and all I wanted was to wake up and feel cold arms around me and feel Edward's cool breath on my hair as he chuckled and told me it was just a dream. That something like this would never really happen. "That changes things a lot," I added when I didn't wake up.
His gaze returned to the trees. He couldn't even look at me, then? Is that why he hadn't been able to meet my eyes? Or was it just a mercy on his part to keep me from seeing the ice I would see in them?
"Of course I'll always love you. In a way," he added, breaking my heart and my hopes, once more. "You'll get over this, forget in time. Human memories fade," he frowned slightly.
"What about your memories?" I whispered as I felt the sting of tears worsen. "What of those?"
"I'll always remember you," he cut himself off quickly. "But my kind are easily distracted," he shrugged. "I would like to ask you for one thing, though."
I felt my eyes dart up to his, not even realising they had fallen to the ground. Like my hopes and dreams, I thought miserably.
For the first time in days I saw him. I saw the Edward I loved so much. His eyes were molten, full of warmth and an intensity that I didn't understand. One that went completely against his cold, polite tone and frigid manner.
"Promise me that you won't do anything reckless? Do you understand?" He asked intently.
"Yes," I whispered trying to make sense of what he was saying. It clicked then, when he had told me of his plans if I had died all those months ago in the ballet studio. He was worried I would hurt myself because I had lost him. That must mean he cared somewhat, right? I thought desperately.
"For Charlie's sake, of course," he added, destroying my fresh hopes as the cold returned to his eyes. "And I'll promise you something in return; I won't come back. I won't disrupt your life again. It will be as if I never existed."
I felt my heart shatter at his words. He wouldn't return? I would never see him again?
As my heart broke, shattered beyond repair and my soul cried out in pain and begged him to change his mind, I felt another part of me rise. A part of me I didn't even know existed; fury.
How could he do this? How could he take back every word, every promise, and on a technicality at that? Didn't I mean anything to him? Didn't the time we shared mean anything to him? Didn't he care even that much?
I felt myself chuckle darkly though I felt no humor whatsoever.
"Don't worry, Edward. I won't be throwing myself off a cliff because you don't want me anymore," I said dryly.
If my words shocked him, he didn't show it.
That only made it worse. How could he not even care? How could the fact that I said that not even affect him?
"What about Alice?" I whispered. When he remained silent I knew. The reason Alice hadn't been at school, the reason she hadn't called was because she wasn't here suddenly clicked in my mind. "She's gone."
"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that it would be better this way."
"You did?" I chuckled. "How could you do this?" I muttered aloud without realising it. "After everything that we've been through together how could you? After everything that I've gone through for you, how could you do this? Just throw me away and the past six months because you're bored?"
His careful eyes met mine, but he didn't speak as I continued.
"I risked everything for you. My family, my life, I risked it all and I would have given it all to you because I loved you. As foolish and as dangerous as I knew it was, I loved you. When you sat there talking about your need to end my life, I tried to understand. When you seemed hot one minute and cold the next, I tried to look at it from your point of view, from the fact that you were confused and conflicted about what was happening between us. I tried so hard to be supportive despite everything that I knew could go wrong. When James tortured and nearly killed me, all I thought of was you, and how you would carry this guilt around with you, and I worried for you. How stupid was that?" I demanded.
"Bella," he began.
"No!" I snapped. "I gave you everything. I would have given you everything that I was or had because I loved you, and you loved me, and now you're standing there telling me that you're bored?" I yelled. "After everything I've done, all the risks, all the hurt, everything! How could you do this? Do I mean so little to you?"
"Bella," he whispered, but I was in no state to listen to his apologies for hurting me, for breaking his promises. I was too hurt, too angry and too damn betrayed to listen to his excuses and lies.
"No," I repeated. "I gave you everything I had, Edward and if you had said you needed more, I would have found a way to give you that. I would have found a way because you were worth it. No one could love me like you, right? No one would ever look at me, or look out for me like you."
I looked into his eyes not hiding a single thing in mine. I let him see my heartbreak, my anger, the betrayal I felt. I know most women tried to hide it as a point of pride, something I would have done five minutes ago, but why shouldn't he see exactly what his callous actions had caused? Why shouldn't he know that he had broken every promise, tainted every word he had spoken to me of love? Why shouldn't he know how pissed that made me?
"Well, that's obviously bullshit."
For the first time I saw true shock chase away the ice in his eyes. I forgot that manners boy didn't believe in swearing in front of women and didn't believe women should ever curse. Well, forget that.
"You want to know something funny, Edward? I have spent every second that we've been together trying to be good enough for you. I have tried to be funnier, smarter, and prettier and I never even resented you for it. Until now that is. You didn't even notice, did you?" I demanded. "You never noticed just how little I thought of myself around you. I didn't blame you; you were perfect and I wanted to be perfect for you. You were wonderful and loving and, though I was a mess, you loved me. Another thing that is bullshit," I spat in a spurt of fury.
"Bella," he began.
"Oh no, you had your chance earlier. You know, when you were crushing my heart and soul? Now it's my turn. I love you. I wanted forever and if not then I wanted every promise that you ever made me. And now you not only stand here telling me that that beautiful promise of forever is void, but you tell me to be careful and not try to hurt myself after you leave. Seriously, is your ego that big?"
He just stood there. No yelling back, no arguing. It was as if he just wanted it over with.
Asshole. How could he?
One thing Edward didn't actually know about me is that when I was hurt, truly, deeply hurt, a part of me came to my protection. It wasn't pretty or classy and I wasn't proud of it, but it kept me safe.
"Don't worry about it, Edward. I'll move on," I shrugged. "I mean, how hard can it be to replace a guy who has to fight the urge to rip my throat out and drink my blood every second? How hard can it really be to replace a guy whose first instinct was to hurt me? I mean, come on, as a boyfriend you kind of sucked. You were always moody and distant, always in that freaky little head of yours. You were always fighting the urge to kill me."
I saw his eyes, there was nothing to show that my words had even chipped the surface, and it made me even angrier. I could feel it like a weight in my chest that battled the pain.
"Like I said it's not that hard. Maybe this time I'll find a man who can hold me without the need for a blanket between us. Who can kiss me without holding back because another part of him wants to sink his fangs into my neck as he drains away my life. A guy who I can hold and kiss and make love to without him breaking me in half. A man who I'll grow old with. I can marry and have a family and do everything that I would have sacrificed if I were with you."
The part of me that loved him screamed at me to shut up, that hurting him wouldn't help ease my own pain. That hurting him at all was abhorrent to me. Only the hurt and angry side of me was stronger, and was the only thing that kept me from dropping to my knees and begging him to stay.
As I stood there, I took in every last bit of him. The strange shade of bronze hair that I loved so much and amber eyes that had always warmed me despite his ice cold skin. The lips that used to wear that crooked smile that stole my heart.
I took in my last glance of my Edward. Of the Edward he used to be, of the one I wished were here. Not the one standing in front of me. The one I was strangely grateful for at this moment because I knew I had to walk away.
I would never have been able to walk away from my Edward.
For one second, I felt my anger drain, my hurt and betrayal, and I let him see the love that I felt for him. The love I would always feel for him. No matter that his had obviously long gone.
"Goodbye, Edward," I whispered before I turned and walked away.
I didn't allow myself to turn around to see if he watched me leave, or if he had left the moment that I had. I couldn't allow myself because I didn't know which one would hurt me more.
Instead I kept my head high and didn't stop walking until I got to the house, reached into my back pocket for my keys, and opened the door with trembling fingers. Charlie wasn't home yet and I was unbelievably grateful for that right now. I needed time to breathe and think without having to worry about upsetting him.
Breathing heavily I let myself slide down the front door. I sat there for hours, until my legs cramped and the sky darkened and I knew that if Charlie found me like this he would track down the Cullen's and try and kill Edward.
That actually sounded pretty good to me right now.
Slowly, I got to my feet and decided to go upstairs and change into something that wasn't wrinkled to hell and wash my face before Charlie arrived.
In my bedroom I realised that something was different. The photographs of Edward and I that I had taken over the last six months were gone. They no longer sat with pride on my dresser. The jacket that he had loaned me a week ago that had been draped over my rocking chair was no longer there.
Heart in my throat, I walked over to my bedside table and opened my CD player to feel the slice of a fresh cut when I found it to be empty.
I stood there breathing deeply, as for the second time within hours; fury rose up and overtook me. How could he do this? I screamed inside as I sent the inexpensive CD player flying across the room. How could he take my things? How could he just take my tokens of our time together? How could he steal my freakin' birthday present? I growled as I sent my alarm into the far wall.
I raged for what seemed forever, ripping my room to shreds, needing to take my anger and my pain out on something.
It wasn't until I heard a car pull up and Charlie's voice call out in the darkness that every feeling, every ounce of energy drained from me and I felt nothing. It was like I was numb. It was as if a wall had wrapped itself around me, protecting me from every ounce of emotion that threatened to rip me apart.
Calmly, methodically, I bent down and picked up my empty CD player and placed it back on the bedside table before I walked downstairs to greet Charlie.
One week later.
I knew Charlie was worried, I thought as I sat in my rocking chair, staring out at the night sky.
It had been one of those rare sunny days in Forks, leaving the sky clear and the stars free to shine. It was a beautiful sight, I knew, but I couldn't appreciate it. I hadn't appreciated anything this last week.
After trashing my room, I had gone downstairs to a concerned Charlie. Forks being a small town meant that the Chief of Police had already heard about the Cullen's departure and he had demanded to know what that meant for me.
Unable to summon any emotion, I had calmly told Charlie that Edward and I had spoken, and he had decided not to try and pursue a long distance relationship. If I could have felt anything at the time, I would have laughed about the fact that even after everything; I was still protecting their secret.
Charlie had looked at me with those brown eyes that were the mirror image of my own and nodded his head. He asked if I wanted to talk about it, I said no of course, and he accepted my answer. Since then no mention of the Cullen's or my break up had been spoken of and I didn't know whether I was happy about it or not.
To be honest I didn't know much about my emotions this last week. I knew that if Jasper were here he'd probably have a grand old time trying to figure me out.
After the bout of fury, of pain, I had felt nothing since. Not one single thing.
Anyone would think that after six months in a very intense relationship that I would be a mess. I would cry, scream, and rock myself to sleep every night, pretending I was still in his arms.
I had done none of that. I got up, I went to school, I came home and I went to sleep. I only really spoke when I was spoken to and never offered anything of my own. My friends shared glances every now and then, and even the teachers asked me almost daily if I was okay. I would nod and try to give them my best imitation of a smile.
I didn't see what the big deal was. I was okay. I was functioning, which was more than I ever thought I could do if he were to leave me. I was doing well in school, I was up to date on my chores and my bedroom had never been so organized. I didn't see why everyone stared and whispered about me.
I was fine.
When my door burst open, I didn't jolt; I turned slowly around to see Jessica and Angela standing in my bedroom. Something that had never happened in almost a year of me living here, I thought as they came to a stand in front of me.
Jessica stood there with her hands on her hips, glaring down at me whilst Angela stood there trying to look stern. It would have worked but her eyes were too soft, too much filled with compassion for it to be believable.
"What are you guys doing here?" I asked quietly.
Jessica smiled. "We have come to kidnap you. Well, not really kidnap," she added with a shrug. "Your dad let us in the door and even told us to come on up. So, get your ass up, put your shoes on and get yourself downstairs."
I felt myself frown in confusion. "Why?"
When Jessica went to open her mouth, no doubt to order me to move my ass again, Angela spoke up. "Just come with us, Bella. We'll explain soon."
Shrugging my shoulders, I reached for my shoes and slipped them on before following the girls downstairs where Charlie stood at the front door looking anxious.
"How long will you girls be?" he asked, never taking his eyes from me. His eyes were filled with concern, something I was used to as of late. Charlie seemed to be concerned a lot about me lately, though I didn't understand why. I was fine.
"We won't be gone long, Mr. Swan," Angela promised as she pushed me out the door.
I could feel Charlie's eyes on me as Jessica pulled away from my house. I gave him a small wave as she sped out of sight.
"Now can you tell me where we're going?"
"All will be revealed, Bella. All will be revealed," Jessica promised.
It turned out that we were going to Fork's High football field. It was rarely used thanks to the constant rainy weather, but tonight it was dry, and you could see every star in the sky.
With a firm hand on my back, Jessica marched me out into the middle of the football field, where Angela dropped her back pack onto the grass that was most likely damp despite the good weather. Angela pulled out a blanket, placing it gently on the ground before turning back to me.
I glanced between the two of them. "What are we going here?"
For the first time since I had met her, Jessica's eyes gentled and she offered me a kind smile that made my heart race uncomfortably.
"No one can see you here, Bella." She whispered softly.
I took a deep breath. "I don't understand."
Angela tangled her fingers together. "We're worried about you, Bella. It's like you're not really there. You smile, you talk when we speak to you, but it's like you're on auto pilot. We know you're hurting and we know you're trying to put a brave face on, but we want you to know that you don't have to do that with us."
I shook my head. "I'm not hurting. I really am fine."
"Bella," Jessica whispered. "I know that we've not always been close and I know part of that's on me. I was jealous of you when you first arrived and I was petty. I hated that Mike liked you because I had liked him for a really long time. Then I had him and he didn't want me," she added sounding so vulnerable, I felt a sharp pain in my chest. A pain I recognized but one that I didn't want to feel.
"I had him. Mike. I had him and he walked away from me and he broke my heart. I blamed you. I blamed you for everything. I blamed you right up until I saw you at school the day after Edward left."
I couldn't help the involuntary wince at the mention of his name.
"I saw that look in your eyes… Only it was a thousand times worse. I know how you feel, Bella. I know what it feels like to be betrayed and to have your heart ripped in two and be left there bleeding."
I couldn't believe my ears. Jessica, who I had always thought was about as deep as a puddle, seemed to be able to empathize with what it had felt like when Edward had stood there and told me he no longer wanted me.
As much as I wanted to talk to them, to tell them what I thought, I couldn't. I couldn't let myself go there.
Jessica seemed to understand. "It's okay to let it out, Bella. Like we said, no one's here. No one will see, no one will judge. We're your friend's and we want to help."
I literally took a step back from what they were offering, shaking my head. I could feel the wall being to crumble under their soft, sympathetic gazes and it terrified me. The wall had kept me safe.
"I can't," I told them, my voice breaking.
Angela smiled softly. "Yes, you can. We're here for you. I know that a lot of people roll their eyes. Shrug and say that you're young and you'll get over it, but that doesn't mean you're not hurting and that your emotions are lessened because of your age. You can talk to us."
I huffed. "You don't understand. I can't. I don't know what will happen if I do. I can't feel that and survive. No one can."
"Bella, you don't have to do this alone," Jessica insisted. "We're here."
I shook my head, my eyes filling with tears. "You don't understand," I all but whimpered. "I can't go there. I can't feel that again."
Angela's eyes filled with her own tears. "It's the only way to move on. As much as you hurt, you can't stay this way. You have to feel, Bella. You have to move on."
"What if I don't want to?" I demanded desperately. "What if I want to stay where I am?"
"Why? Because if you stay there it doesn't make it real, right?" Jessica asked knowingly. At my look of surprise she smiled. "I know Mike may not be Prince Charming, but I loved him as much as I knew how. I know that this is your protection, Bella. I know your smile hides your tears. I know that when you say you're fine, that you're not. I know that you're broken and hurt, but I also know that you're strong and you can pick yourself up again."
"And you won't have to be alone," Angela added.
My wall was no match for them; for the girls who I barely considered friends, who had dragged me out here to help me because they knew I was hurting.
"It hurts so badly," I whispered brokenly.
Neither of them spoke, neither of them attempted to come to me. They just listened as I finally let my tears fall and let the pain out.
"He just stood there and it was like I meant nothing. That I was nothing to him. He didn't want me. He didn't want me," I repeated, sounding lost even to myself. "And I wasn't much better. I was so angry, so hurt that I thought of everything I knew would hurt him and tossed it in his face. I didn't even mean any of it," I shrugged. "I just wanted to hurt him like he hurt me."
"It's okay, honey," Jessica whispered, finally pulling me into her arms and lowering us down onto the blanket where Angela joined us, rubbing my back soothingly. "You were hurt and you just wanted him to feel the same."
I nodded. I was ashamed of what I had said that day, but I knew I couldn't change it. I knew it was out there, and that Edward would forever think that those things had mattered. Why I thought that it would bother him, I'll never know.
"Why did he leave me? Why didn't he want me? What did I do wrong?" I hiccupped.
"Nothing," Jessica soothed, brushing my tears away from my face. "You did nothing wrong."
"I want to scream, and I want to cry, and it was so much easier to just block it all off. Shut it all away. I don't know what I'm going to do," I admitted honestly.
Ever since I had come to Forks Edward and the Cullen's had been my life, my future. What would I do now that they were gone? Now that the future I had planned was no longer a possibility?
Jessica leaned back and looked into my eyes. "You are going to carry on. You're going to live your life, and find yourself, and realize that guys are not as important as we think they are now. That a guy, one who would leave you, never really loved you in the first place and is not worth hurting over. That's what my mom say's anyway," she added with a laugh, and for the first time in an over a week, I felt like smiling.
"Is it really that easy?" I asked.
Jessica grinned. "No, but that's what friends are for. We're here to make it easier. And that's what we are, Bella, your friends."
"If you'll have us," Angela added.
I looked into their eyes. These girls were offering me the friendship I had kind of shunned when I had arrived. They were offering me another chance in a way and I knew what my answer would me.
"I'd like that."
A/N So, what do you think? It was my first time writing in canon… I think that's what you call it, lol! I'd really like thought's. Music inspirations were Dixie Chicks, First cut is the deepest and Just a dream.
Oh and to MadameBeast, for some reason it won't let me reply to your review, but I am really glad that my rant made you laugh ;)