Gon couldn't really understand what was happening in his head. He feared the man named Hisoka. One look from him could make the young hunter fall to his knees and shake like a leaf. On the other hand, the same gaze could make his heart hammer a mile a minute and his cheeks to flush with color.
Even now with Hisoka deep inside him, using his body as he saw fit, Gon didn't know how to feel. The pain that blossomed inside him was enough to make him hate the man but the pleasure he received from the small gestures of gentleness and affection helped to briefly drown out the pain before it returned. Hisoka rolled off of him and sat at the edge of the bed, his back turned towards the boy. He left Gon starved but full at the same time. Gon sat up carefully and slowly inched towards Hisoka.
"Hisoka?" Gon said softly when he laid a hand on the man's shoulder. He turned to the boy, large hands covering his eyes and fisting his hair. Tears streamed through his fingers and down his arms. Gon's eyes softened and he removed Hisoka's hands from his eyes, kissing away salty tears when tears of his own spilled from his eyes. "Please don't cry Hisoka."
Despite the pain he had endured only a few minutes before Gon felt he needed to provide some sort of comfort. He could never just watch someone suffer alone. Even though Gon himself is suffering physically and emotionally he couldn't help but wrap his small, shaking arms around broad, muscular shoulders. He laid his head on Hisoka's shoulder and stroked his hair.
Hisoka did calm down enough to go to sleep in Gon's arms, his breathing evening out. Gon didn't remove his arms or stop stroking his hair. All he could do while he watched Hisoka sleep was think.
Did he love Hisoka with all his heart and soul or did he hate him with his very being?
Whichever it was Gon knew one thing for sure. He would never let Hisoka go ever again no matter how much it hurt to keep him in his arms.