Notes at end...


There's no word in the English language that can describe what I'm feeling right now, but there is one in another. I whisper it quietly as I slide the door to his apartment shut.

"Tenho saudades de vocĂȘ..."

Part of me hopes he hears the softly spoken words, part of me doesn't... even if he does, he might not catch the meaning. It's only been seconds but I'm already missing him. I feel the absence of his presence deeply. Honestly, I knew it would come to this from the moment she forced me to acknowledge that I couldn't have everything.

I will allow myself this night... this night to mourn what cannot be, at least for now. I can't bring myself to lose hope completely. As I walk to my car, I turn back to stare up at his dark window, once again words escaping that I didn't intend to say.

"Your body has become not yours only, nor left my body mine only," the truth laid bare in another's words.

I have left a part of myself in his safekeeping and a splinter of who he is has lodged deep in my heart, a painful reminder of what can't be. I love him, but sometimes, love isn't enough.


The last line of dialogue belongs to my favorite poem and poet, To A Stranger by Walt Whitman. The characters belong to Covert Affairs et al. Saudade is a Portuguese word. Look it up - fits tonight's ep perfectly.